MammaMia Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am new here. Glad to have found this site. My story happened almost 2 years ago and I am still hurting. He has severed contact with her but sees her once in a while due to circumstances I will explain in another post. I do see her occasionally,too, but I ignore her. She, on the other hand, has badmouthed me to whoever will listen and portrays herself as a victim. Once she realized he does not want to be around her any more and does not defend her, she started badmouthing him, too. Well, he subscribed to whatever she wants to do concerning him. I, did not subscribe to anything. I would like to serve her with a gag order but these people she has talked to, won't probably come forward on the grounds that they not be involved. Thank you for having me here. Looking forward to reading your posts.
Spark1111 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I am so sorry you are going through this. Welcome to LS. How did you find out? Did your H confess? Or did you discover it on your own? How long was the affair? Did they work together? What do you know about it? My H had a 1.5yr affair with a co-worker. If you factor in the probably emotiional affair in the beginning, it was more like 2 years. I was as dumb about it as a mud fence until I accidentally discovered a text on his work phone. I never contacted her until two years after the fact when she brazenly broke no contact to see if he was interested in re-kindling. Then I called. Yes, she hates me, him, the world and today...honestly? I feel sorry for her.
Author MammaMia Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Thank you for your kind response. Here is my story in a nutshell. My H has known this woman for 10 years but that was that. They both belong to the same social circles. ThIn 08 a new club was created and they both joined. H liked her from day one - I gather from the way he pointed her out to me- and seeing her once a month and interacting with her at very close proximity, he started having feelings for her. In 09 she sent him something to look over which he did, and then they started emailing. From March 09 to October 09 there was nothing in their emails to raise an eyebrow ecxept the frequency. In October, H announced to me that he was going to mentor her. She has a reputation in the club and I should have put my foot down but I thought that H knew better. Boy was I ever wrong. NYears 09 he invited her along with other people to come over to our place to celebrate with us. From then on Jan 10 to Feb 10 the emails changed in nature. They started complimenting each other and used some subtle sexual inuendo, like hot steaming outfit, beautiful as Aphrodite ( boy did he ever need glasses) etc. Then he gave her a Valrntines gift. H could have given her that gift any day he wanted, but he picked to give it to her on Vday. I guess there was a message there. The very next day is H's bday. I was out running errands and I came back at around 11am to find her sitting on my family room couch talking to him. H was not expecting her and I know that for a fact because he would have showered and shaved and he had done none of either. I was upset and did not hide it. She drove 25miles to give him his bday card and a gift certificate. I will never forget H's look when he was looking at her. That bothered me more than her visit. He looked like a 15-year-old looking at his first love. You could have melted chocolate on his face, that's how sweet he looked. I guess he got the subtle message from her, that she was also interestedt. Because from then on, all hell broke loose. This is when they started seeing each other officially : From Feb 15,2010 to April 16,2010 when I finally confronted him. So the official affair lasted 2 months. Since his bday she started calling our home 5-6 times a day. At first I said nothing because he was helping her with a few projects and I thought that was the reason. Then, since I was working 4 times a week, all I could is chek caller ID. H never deleted the calls. I wonder why he did not. But no project requires calls as late as 10:30pm. The bimbo knew that many nights I was at our son's place heling with the dog and those were the nights she called. She never called when I was home. Then Easter 2010 he invited her - along with others- to celebrate with us. I should mention here, I that i had been ticked with all the calls and had voiced my concerns but he knew I trusted him and he gave me the excuse of the mentoring and i decided to lie low and observe. Then at the end of our celebration on Easter, all the guests had left except her. I had to go help with the god and for about 30 minutes I must have been telling her that I had to leave and she never made an effort to leave. Finally i had to go and I left, leaving her and H at my home. The moment I closed the door behind me, I knew. I gathered my info and finally talked to him. Of course he claimed they were friends... yeah... right. I do know it was still an EA, but my gut feeling tells me it would not have been long before it would have turned to a PA. I confronted the bimbo the very same day; I called her and talked to her. H got angry at me for that. Then a week later i confronted her at our home - we had a club gathering- and told her who i think she is and what she does best. Then, a month later, I confronted her again. Unbeknownst to me, every time I talked to her, she was pulling people from the club aside badmouthing me and playing the victim. Soon after the first time I confronted H i read his emails. He saves everything and I mean everything. H and I had a few more confrotations because he kept accepting calls from her and he would also call her himself. He claimed he had to talk to her about the projects. i say that no project takes precedence to the marriage. Then, he and I had the worst fight of our life one night. We argued for 3 straight hours. But, by then I had hired a PI and he was after H for a few weeks. He had observed him that night and the PI told me that somehting would have happened that night. ( They had a big function for the club and they had planned to spend time together when it would have been over. That's why the PI was there) He called me telling me he'd be late and I told him to get right back or he should stay with her for good. He came running back and yippee!!! I ruined their plans. A lot happened since that night, mostly H got out of the fog slowly but surely, the bimbo got a rope and hung herself ( i did not even have to give her one) and showed H who she really was. Then they met -with my approval- and he put an end to it. Again the PI was there and confirmed it was the end. Soon after that, because of things she was doing, we issued a tresspassing warrant against her. H sees her at the meetings occasionally but they do not communicare anymore. I do feel , though, that someday she will do exactly what your bimbo did: she will try to reconcile. I am watching her like a hawk now. I am now in the process of putting my foot down and demanding that H quit that club and move over to a neighboring club where she is not a member of. We'll see what happens. Sorry this was so long.
fooled once Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 I am new here. Glad to have found this site. My story happened almost 2 years ago and I am still hurting. He has severed contact with her but sees her once in a while due to circumstances I will explain in another post. I do see her occasionally,too, but I ignore her. She, on the other hand, has badmouthed me to whoever will listen and portrays herself as a victim. Once she realized he does not want to be around her any more and does not defend her, she started badmouthing him, too. Well, he subscribed to whatever she wants to do concerning him. I, did not subscribe to anything. I would like to serve her with a gag order but these people she has talked to, won't probably come forward on the grounds that they not be involved. Thank you for having me here. Looking forward to reading your posts. I am sure people realize she is not a victim. Please do not worry about what these "others" think. She is showing her butt to them and making herself look stupid. I mean seriously, does she think anyone is going to say "oh you poor thing; I can't believe his wife had the nerve to tell you to get the heck away from her husband". While I do agree in your situation with mistress has a lot of culpability, the majority of the blame goes to your H for allowing and inviting the situation. I am sure he was just gobsmacked about her obvious interest in him. I am sure his ego was as inflated as the blimp. But that does NOT make it okay for him to flirt with and continue 'mentoring' her when he knows it is upsetting you and when he knows it is inappropriate. Remember tho, she is obviously desperate ~ her life must be very sad for her to chase after a married man. She can't catch the interest of a single guy so she will do what she can to insert herself into someone's marriage. Some women have no problem with behaving that way. I was stunned that she didn't take the hint to get out of your house at Easter when she was there. The nerve and audacity. Unfortunately, you didn't say to her "You need to leave now". I am hoping this experience has helped you to see that some women have no scruples and no morals and think they can hit on/flirt with anyone they want. I am glad you got a no trespassing order on her. Let her blab her baloney to whoever she wants. Make it clear to your H that you are not in agreement with him continuing to interact with her. Don't 'forbid' him or tell him he must quit; but quietly let him know how much it feels disrespectful to you that he isn't considering how this is hurting you. You are trying to fully trust him again; and as a show of faith, he should respect your feelings and possibly honor joining a different club (of the same hobby). He still owes you for his past behavior and he needs to make sure his actions are above board. It is natural for you to have trust issues. Have you two gone to marriage counseling? Is he going to individual counseling? He needs to get to the root of what caused him to enter into an EA with this woman. Good luck to you!!
Author MammaMia Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Thank you both for your response. FooledOnce: The bimbo's life is pathetic; she's been married twice, her second marriage only lasted one day ( she told me that once) , she has no children, she is 55,many times she looks like a bag lady, her car is full of trash ( which surprised the PI) and her only meaning in life is this social club which she also uses as a hunting ground for men. I have a feeling that she may live out of her car at times. Yes, I did not tell her to leave along with me. I was raised not to kick people out of my home, not to mention even though I thought about telling her to leave, I did not want to embarass H in front of a friend. Unbeknownst to me then, H had been embarassing me to her over and over again. Will I ever do that again? He$$ NO!!!!! I will be polite but firm as to what I want from people from now on. Sad inTexas: You are very right my friend. My H is totally responsible for all this mess and I have told him more than once. I told him on many occasions that he had total control over the situation and opted not to exercise it. He should have never allowed the frequent emailing, but he could have also stopped it any time he wanted. He did not want to. After the first stupid thing she did, H figured out who she is and saw her as a liability. He admitted that he was an idiot and fell for her flattery. He also said the very same thing to another member of the club in my presence. It takes a brave person to admit to a friend that he was an idiot and I will give him that much. As for the PA that you are implying, I do know there was no sex. The PI confirmed it and my gut feeling tells me there has been no sex. The PI also confirmed that he has never seen any kind of display of affection between them even at times when there should have been some touching or kissing or both. That's baffling. H claims he has never touched or kissed her but he has hugged her many times. ( Hugging is very common between the members and I know what he is talking about.) Yes, she was in my house for about 30 min. Our son lives close by, and when I arrived at his place, I fed the dog, called home obviously upset,the bimbo was still there, so I turned away and went back home. By then the bimbo had left. I wish I had not left the house, but instead i wish I had spied on them from the front window. When inside, you cannot tell someone is standing there. I also wish I had not called and gone back without calling. H probably guessed i was headed back and told her to leave or she figured out she better leave. Well, either or, she was not there. I let H know that night that what happened was very wrong but I was still gathering info so neither of them could deny anything. H has been doing the right thing for over a year now. Seeing this woman every so often bugs me and i want to discredit her to all the people she has badmouthed me to. Even though H has no contact with her now, seeing her at meetings bothers me as well because I have a feeling that at some point she will may try again playing the innocent victim. BTW H has confronted her three times about what she has been saying and has done and she always tells him that it is not true. She even denied to him that I had told her about the trespassing warrant. So he knows that she does not know the truth even if the truth hit her in the face.
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