I'm a new member who is wondering "is it worth the chance to stay or walk away?"

[amourseeker]

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I met this guy online about 6 months ago....come to find out we know some of the same people and he lives in the same condos as I do. I left my live-in boyfriend of 6 years about a year ago and haven't really dated that much since. I know what I want in a partner and refuse to settle...I guess it's why I left! When this guy, we will call him Joe started emailing me we just became good friends and then he told me he had a girlfriend....we met up a few times and would talk for hours, sometimes until 4 am...we just had so much in common with our deep conversations and dreams. He would always complain about his girlfriend saying they have nothing in common and she has no ambitions in life. After about 4 months he told me he lied and that he is engaged. I told him if he feels that way about her that he can't marry her! He said he will go through with it even if he is not happy, just so he doesn't look like a failure............(his 2nd marriage). I'm at an age (31) where I want to find someone and live happily ever after......as much as that is possible......there is something weird though...after dating my ex for 6 years I never had this feeling as I do with this "Joe"..(is this the "feeling" people say that you will just know when it hits you?) What do I do? I ask my friends and I get two replies......go for it and make him want to be with you (which he always says..I wish I met you a year ago and I wouldn't be in this mess)....and then I get: you need to think of the girlfriend, would you want that to happen to you? Of course I wouldn't!!!! But I'm so sick of doing things for other people and not thinking of myself.........I don't ever want to think "he is the one that got away".

 

Where do I go from here? Are we just great friends who share so much in common...or a last minute fling before his big day.......or the girl he has always been looking for and will not be with? I never had the conversation with him about me or her and I don't want him to be put in that position...but waiting to hear him say I left her is killing me. I know where he belongs and I know he does too...I can read it on his face, but will he actually act on it? I need some outside looking in advice of where to go from here......

 

 

I don't know if I believe in signs, but there are so many popping up around me in this past week that it is actually scaring me.....anyone have some good advice for a poor soul looking for her other half, found him, and thinks I'm gonna lose him?

[moimeme]

But I'm so sick of doing things for other people and not thinking of myself.........I don't ever want to think "he is the one that got away".

 

I'd let him get away, if I were you, and I wouldn't look back. He's had no problem cheating on both of you for months so you know he's unfaithful and a liar. Really, these are not good qualities in a man and don't make for good mate material. So if you can't be bothered to think about the other woman for her sake, think of yourself in the same situation. Because I guarantee you will be if you stick with this guy.

[bluechocolate]

What's that country & western song.........?

 

"Why has he left the one he left me for?".

 

So he decides not to get married & now he's with you. Could you trust him? You know he's lied to you already and he's certainly lying to his fiance.

 

'nough said.

[capitald]

He did not technically lie, what is being engaged but the status of having a gf that you are planning on marrying at some point. He did not lie but was withholding pertinent information for a time where he felt safe enough to come clean. I mean for you you are #1 so you sure can't hate him for looking out for number one (himself) and anyway maybe he thinks whats best for you is him, so he is looking out for #1 in a way, namely you. What I am saying is be cautious about getting involved with an involved man and at the same time don't be too cynical, perhaps you and him do make the better match.

[amourseeker]

thanks everyone so far for your responses......but again I'm getting two different ideals on what to do.....I do like what some of you said...especially about the engagement is tech. just a gf that you might or might not marry.........but I also see all of your other view points as well. He did say that he didn't tell me right away because he thought I would just never talk to him again and he just wanted someone to talk to and trust(when we were doing the email thing). We really only met up a few times and mostly just talked for hours, but now it seems like a connection has occured and I don't know if I'm willing to give that up.....I never met someone who wanted to know about me and my dreams...usually the men I have ever met were at bars and well you know they basically just ask questions hoping you don't want to answer them so they may or may not get lucky! This"joe" is different...he wants to hear all about me, my dreams, my childhood........everything. I totally feel like myself with him. There was that one night he left at 3:00 and then came back and kissed me to just kiss me and then left again. so I guess what I'm saying is I"M STILL CONFUSED!!!!!

 

Love is it really all worth this drama?

[Kat]

After being in a 'dramatic' relationship and a 'simple' one, I can say that the simple one is how love is suppose to be.

 

I met my ex when he had a girlfriend, he lied to me an her, he cheated on her with me, and then I was silly enough to bealive him when he said he wouldn't cheat on me.

 

This man has been stringing you along 'just in case'. If he truely cared for either one of you he would not have needed the other to converse with.

 

I know it is hard to let this one slip, but you have too. He is no good and while he might be the 'one who gets away' he will most likely be the one 'who let YOU get away' by not being truthful and actioned his wants and comments.

 

I mean all the 'lies' aside.

 

If you two ever got togeather and got married, how could you marry someone who is happy to marry someone who they don't love and who isn't happy in their relationship????

[moimeme]

I never met someone who wanted to know about me and my dreams..

 

He is not the only man on the planet who will be interested in you as a person.

 

usually the men I have ever met were at bars

 

How's about meeting men other places? There is a whole world out there with a zillion other places you can meet people.

 

There was that one night he left at 3:00 and then came back and kissed me to just kiss me

 

So before he went back to his girlfriend, he decided to get a little more sugar from you. Yep, that is SO commendable.

Love is it really all worth this drama?

 

It doesn't have to be drama if you pick an honest man who isn't some lech from a bar and who isn't already in a committed relationship, capitald's handy little 'out' for this notwithstanding.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by capitald

He did not technically lie, what is being engaged but the status of having a gf that you are planning on marrying at some point. He did not lie but was withholding pertinent information for a time where he felt safe enough to come clean. I mean for you you are #1 so you sure can't hate him for looking out for number one (himself) and anyway maybe he thinks whats best for you is him, so he is looking out for #1 in a way, namely you. What I am saying is be cautious about getting involved with an involved man and at the same time don't be too cynical, perhaps you and him do make the better match.

 

Oh well that's very different then.

 

I've promised someone that I'll marry them. Then I go and get emotionally attached to someone else. I don't TELL them that I'm already engaged, I just continue for a while until they feel they have a chance with me, until they feel that they have an emotional attachement to me, THEN I tell them "I was withholding pertinent information for a time where I felt safe enough to come clean.".

 

How very charming. Ever heard about lies of omission?

 

I never met someone who wanted to know about me and my dreams

 

I wonder if his fiance ever felt that way?

 

He did say that he didn't tell me right away because he thought I would just never talk to him again

 

and because he knew that what he was doing was wrong

 

It is entirely possible that you two are the "perfect" match. It is entirely possible that he and his fiance were once the "perfect" match also.

 

If he was at all serious he would break out his engagement immediately. Has he done that? He would confess to his fiance why he was breaking off with her? Has he done that? If he loves you he would want to scream it to the world. Has he done that?

[Bobbie]

I know what I want in a partner and refuse to settle...

 

so don't.

 

He's perfected his technique of treating women like they're soooo special...shame he wants to spread his charms around.

 

If it was me I'd tell him I'm a one and only or no deal at the least. But I wouldn't expect much having seen his brand of committment...

 

Sorry.

[amourseeker]

did i mention that we only hung out a few times?? I can't even say that things are serious with us, but I do know that this feeling is serious. We mostly talk on the phone and online.....he has never told me that he loved me, but I know what I am feeling and it is too real. I am definately not a girl that falls hard and fast this is why this scares me so much. What if what I am feeling is real and it's not a serious relationship...what would it be like if it was serious??? I don't know if it's friends or more.

 

Is it worth just dropping or is fate much stronger? I guess I came on here because I never felt like this before for someone who I haven't been involved with,. My ex boyfriend never put me even remotely close to his top priority list and when I finally realized it I left.......I was doing just fine until I met "Joe"...and we were just 2 people helping out each other in our troubling times...me moving on and him not happy in his relationship/soon to be marriage. Things just progressed from there and now I'm in a deeper mess I guess. What went from trading advice to one another moved to sharing dreams and an ideal relationship....what we found out was that we have so much in common.

 

I know most of us are probably on here because we have been that other person who got hurt and I understand that point of view now of how the other girl must feel......so thank you for your opinions...and I am def. not the type of person to hurt someone like I know I am doing unintentionally. Maybe I am being selfish, but when is it time to think of me 1st? You advice is very helpful and making my wheels in my head turn more then before but it is very helpful still the same. So again for the 50th time thank you for taking the time to share your insights on my situation.

[amourseeker]

one more thought on this:

 

What or How would I confront him in leaving what is obviously not a happy situation for him to be with me? Is there any easy way? Or do you think me walking away (in whatever this is) would leave a much more impression for him to choose...without giving him a"it's either her or me" conversation...which by the way is a conversation I swore to myself I would never put a man in. ( I guess that would be feeling selfish----go figure)

 

College never prepared us for this did it! Here I am with all my dreams right where they were suppose to be career wise.....2 master's degrees, the job I always wanted, own my own place...........all that is missing the the one thing I can't control on my own because it takes two to make it one LOVE

 

OH GOD WHAT A MESS!!!!!!