analystfromhell Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My wife was having an EA which she has only sort of admitted and discussed (see other posts) and there was no texts or phone calls after a couple of appointments with the marriage counselor. I'm sure they are still talking at work and he called her again yesterday though it was a missed call just before lunchtime. She also unblocked him from her phone contacts and added his personal cell phone back in today. So, the guy's wife is back from Turkey and I've printed out the texts of their messages back and forth and am considering mailing them to her. I have not planned to tell my SO as she would of course tell him and he would of course tell her. I hadn't planned to include a letter or any explanation, just send the texts some of which I've posted elsewhere here. I realize this is not a NC letter (which my SO has not sent) but rather just letting this other woman know what's going on. My rationale is that I would like to know if this happened behind my back when I was out the country with my kids and of course if it caused him to have to explain his actions so much the better. Does this sound like the right way to handle things?
Owl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I'd send it to his wife....and DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU'RE DOING SO. Don't give anyone any warning to do damage control...and send it in a way that ensures that SHE gets it, and not him. Once that's sent...I don't know if I'd wait to confront your wife or not in telling her that you know she's resumed communication...because that could be enough warning for her to tell him and start some damage control. But I also wouldn't want to wait more than a few days at most to confront your wife and push to end that communication from her side as well.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I agree 100%. Whose feelings are you sparing by not sending it? His wife deserves to know anyway.
Disillusioned_Wife Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I did it to H with his OW. I sent everything to the OW husband's parents because I knew she would intercept everything because she watches the mail (what does that say about her) for anything out of the ordinary apparently. Never did find out if it really got there BUT a mutual "friend" (I use that term loosely) insinuated about it in a big blow up months later between her and us about the "lives were ruined" bit about the whole EA thing. No ***** woman lives were ruined but I don't give a damn about hers I give a damn about mine and ours (kids, us, etc).
mv6458 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I would recommend sending it to his wife. The biggest regret I have about my H's EA with a coworker is thatI chose not to involve her husband and let him discover (or not) things on his own. Now I feel like he has just as much right to know what was going on as I did. And what he chose from that point on is his decision. I still struggle as to whether or not I should contact him and tell him about their EA. But my H and I are trying to reconcile and I feel like it would cause more harm to our marriage at this point because we are trying to move forward. I really just wish I would have done it initially! I also personally feel if the OW was having as many problems with her H as I was having over the EA she may wake up and realize it needs to stop. I don't feel like in my situation the OW has had any consequences for her actions ( I'm not sure that her H has ever discovered the EA.) And I fear she may persue my husband in the future because of that. Good luck and sorry you are dealing with an EA. I know exactly what you are going through unfortunately!
Author analystfromhell Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Well, I put a bit of their communication (just 22 pages of it) into an envelope and sent it off to his wife from her local USPO so it should get there tomorrow while he's at work. She stays at home and so she should be the one to get the mail and have a few hours to read it over before he comes home. She's a Turkish national and was away in Turkey with their two young girls while this was going on. While I have no desire for revenge and wish her only the best I do hope she takes the mail in the spirit in which it was meant and that her second set of eyes will keep these two wayward spouses on the straight and narrow. I'm not so naive that I believe either of them will alter their feelings towards one another in the short term as others have pointed out most EAs wither in the light of day. Let me say it again, LS and all of you are a fantastic community. It would have been way tougher so far without you.
Turtles Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I must admit I don't understand the mindset. You are trying to enroll her as another jailer? Or what is the deal? If they really want to be together that bad why not just let them go? What is the point of keeping them in line with a stick? What is the value if they don't do it of their own accord? I am not trying to be sarcastic or anything, I really don't get it?
Severely Unamused Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) You are trying to enroll her as another jailer?What are you talking about? Nobody is stopping the happy couple from eloping but themselves. OP is just giving the BW information so she can decide what she wants to do next, instead of having her husband play on her trust and leave her in the dark. Evening up the playing field. What's so wrong with doing that? Edited August 18, 2011 by Severely Unamused Comma.
robf1971 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Well, I put a bit of their communication (just 22 pages of it) into an envelope and sent it off to his wife from her local USPO so it should get there tomorrow while he's at work. She stays at home and so she should be the one to get the mail and have a few hours to read it over before he comes home. She's a Turkish national and was away in Turkey with their two young girls while this was going on. While I have no desire for revenge and wish her only the best I do hope she takes the mail in the spirit in which it was meant and that her second set of eyes will keep these two wayward spouses on the straight and narrow. I'm not so naive that I believe either of them will alter their feelings towards one another in the short term as others have pointed out most EAs wither in the light of day. Let me say it again, LS and all of you are a fantastic community. It would have been way tougher so far without you. Good on you, I wouldn't have hesitated a microsecond to do what you did. Hopefully that'll stop their little tea party pretty quick.
PegNosePete Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 She also unblocked him from her phone contacts and added his personal cell phone back in today. I would file for divorce and then send the printouts to his wife. Number 1 rule of reconciliation after an affair is NO CONTACT with the AP. Breach of this rule is a deal-breaker.
John Michael Kane Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I would file for divorce and then send the printouts to his wife. This 100% and send copies to everyone.
reboot Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I must admit I don't understand the mindset. You are trying to enroll her as another jailer? Or what is the deal? If they really want to be together that bad why not just let them go? What is the point of keeping them in line with a stick? What is the value if they don't do it of their own accord? I am not trying to be sarcastic or anything, I really don't get it? No one is trying to be a jailer. He just took a big stick and knocked them off the fence they were straddling. i.e. s*** or get off the pot.
Turtles Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Good on you, I wouldn't have hesitated a microsecond to do what you did. Hopefully that'll stop their little tea party pretty quick. That's the part I don't get. Why would you WANT to stop the tea party. Granted I have not been in your shoes but it seems to me I would say, Honey, you want your tea party, take those tea bags, shove them up your ass, and get out of my life so I can find someone who is genuinely interested in sharing it. It aint like she was having a "momentary lapse of judgement" or "didn't realize she was doing anything wrong" - she went BACK in contact with the guy, even after she knew what you thought of that. I would file for divorce and then send the printouts to his wife. Number 1 rule of reconciliation after an affair is NO CONTACT with the AP. Breach of this rule is a deal-breaker. Now that I agree with.
Turtles Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 No one is trying to be a jailer. He just took a big stick and knocked them off the fence they were straddling. i.e. s*** or get off the pot. They aint straddling no fence - they're in each other's yard already. They just aint been plowing it yet.
reboot Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 They aint straddling no fence - they're in each other's yard already. They just aint been plowing it yet. What is your question then? Why tell the other man's wife?
John Michael Kane Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 What is your question then? Why tell the other man's wife? Because she deserves to know.
reboot Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Because she deserves to know. ummm... thanks, but I already know how you feel. I was asking him what he was confused about, not you. However, I do realize you don't understand that anyone else exists but you on this planet.
Turtles Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 What is your question then? Why tell the other man's wife? Oh yeah, you bet I'd tell her, but only after I kick mine out.
Owl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Oh yeah, you bet I'd tell her, but only after I kick mine out. Fair enough...but kicking his wife out doesn't seem to be his intent at this point...so telling the other BS (who does indeed deserve to know) and potentially "enlisting them as another jailor" makes sense if you think about it. Nothing wrong with that from either perspective in my book. Why NOT enlist the aid of the other spouse if possible, given that they deserve to know anyway? If he intends to reconcile his marriage...the primary goal is to put an end to the affair first. Enlisting the other spouse is an excellent step towards reaching that goal. But even if his goal were divorce...the other spouse would still deserve to know, even if he didn't intend to "enlist" them. So it was the right move from either goal.
Author analystfromhell Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 I get the part where this reconciliation won't work if she's not into it- I have no desire to be with someone who isn't 100% into the relationship either. That said, it's a lot of work to develop a relationship with someone and if this can be reconstituted into something as good or better why not? I'd be the first to say there have been lapses in my veneer of perfection so it's unrealistic to expect anything different from my wife or anyone else. That said, I'm increasing the level of monitoring and the first sign of meeting up or deceit and the deal is completely off and I'm off to the court clerk.
LifesontheUp Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I get the part where this reconciliation won't work if she's not into it- I have no desire to be with someone who isn't 100% into the relationship either. That said, it's a lot of work to develop a relationship with someone and if this can be reconstituted into something as good or better why not? I'd be the first to say there have been lapses in my veneer of perfection so it's unrealistic to expect anything different from my wife or anyone else. That said, I'm increasing the level of monitoring and the first sign of meeting up or deceit and the deal is completely off and I'm off to the court clerk. Very sound and sensible reasoning. Well done under the circumstances.
Owl Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Very sound and sensible reasoning. Well done under the circumstances. Agreed! Makes good sense to me.
Author analystfromhell Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 I get the part where this reconciliation won't work if she's not into it- I have no desire to be with someone who isn't 100% into the relationship either. That said, it's a lot of work to develop a relationship with someone and if this can be reconstituted into something as good or better why not? I'd be the first to say there have been lapses in my veneer of perfection so it's unrealistic to expect anything different from my wife or anyone else. I do expect a LOT of backlash- meaning his wife will either not care and he'll be pissed and yell at my wife who will either side with him or me (and I'll go from there) or his wife will be pissed and he won't say anything to my wife overtly but it'll come out sooner or later (again, I'd take this as a sign of allegiance to him on her behalf and proceed accordingly. If I received such a letter I'd be pissed because my husband was causing concern in another marriage even if I didn't care myself (which is hard to imagine but I don't know her so I can only surmise how a young immigrant wife who was out of the country with two kids might react). That said, I'm increasing the level of monitoring and the first sign of meeting up or deceit and the deal is completely off and I'm off to the court clerk.
PegNosePete Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 That said, I'm increasing the level of monitoring and the first sign of meeting up or deceit and the deal is completely off and I'm off to the court clerk. Any contact whatsoever is deceit, isn't it?
John Michael Kane Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 ummm... thanks, but I already know how you feel. I was asking him what he was confused about, not you. However, I do realize you don't understand that anyone else exists but you on this planet. Uh that was completely unnecessary and off-topic. It's called responding to a post, that's all.
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