Desperately want to start feeling better - but feel weak.

[JaimeLynn1980]

I am a 23 yr. old woman who wouldn't even begin to explain what I am going through. I have been off/on with this man (26) for 4 yrs., that I met through a very good mutual friend. We have a very odd relationship. He has been off/on with this very sadistic woman for almost 5 yrs. She has beaten him several times, cheated on him over 60, tried sleeping with his best friend while he was passed out in the other room; got pregnant, told him the kid was his for 6 mths. only to find out that it wasn't his. You get the point. She has also harassed me on several occassions in the past, which led to a physical fight, & her calling my house in the early hours harassing me, & saying awful things. She has also watched me through my window at night for 4 hrs. at a time.

 

I have been in love with Bryan for 4 yrs. He is a really bad alcoholic; very bad. At times, he has been extremely heartless, & hurtful with the things he has said to me - & he won't even remember him saying the things he did half the time. It doesn't appear to shake him when I cry, but he appears to care about everyone else's feelings but mine. Sometimes, he has his times when he can be compassionate, & outside of myself, he is a very sensitive person, but extremely selfish.

I have done everything for this man - been there for him, stood by him while he's ****ed me over countless times. He has committed to me but once, & that was right before he went back to this other woman. Even though he was staying over at my place every night; sleeping in my bed, & getting jealous about other guys, & we're together 24/7; including me going on trips with him & his parents, to staying over there, & having holidays over there, he still claims that we are just friends.

I know that he cares, for I have family problems, & when he hears my mom yelling at me, he even cries. He cried when he said good-bye to me. He shows emotion, & can be so sensitive, & caring, but he can be horrible as well. We've been through a lot together though. We know each other better than anyone else.

After the last time he had hurt me, I was bitter, & jaded. I told myself that when things go wrong with his ex, I wouldn't be able to take him back. I'm the only person that has ever been there for him. I had myself angry enough at him to move on, only for it to fall back into this cycle. (It always appears to go in 6 month intervals - him & his ex break up, he's with me for this amount of time, she calls him, & he jumps, & goes back to her, leaving me to deal wih everything.) I had agreed to be his friend, but I never told him that I cared about him - I was just jaded, & protecting myself from getting hurt. I would even rub in his face that I'd never wanted to be with him, & when he'd say hurtful things, I began to actually start saying hurtful things back to him. Then when I get mad at him for talking about other girls, he would get pissed - telling me how I always emhpasize on how I never want to be with him again, & so forth, & that i didn't make any sense.

We would have good times, but we would have bad. He was emotionally abusive, & he has made me feel badly sexually. I have no confidence whatsoever. He ended up going back to this other woman again. (She lives in a different town now) But this come around, he was better - he didn't just up & leave like he did the last times, he went out of his way to come say good-bye to me. He made it out to be before, like I really had no right to be mad really, because we weren't together, & he had never led me on. 24/7 together. Spending it with each other. Sleeping together every night. So forth. He practically lived with me; he was over so much. He didn't contemplated on going back to her, but according to so much, she has changed; so she says. He just didn't want me to hate him with any decision that he chose to make. So, we parted on good terms so to speak.

 

But I am literally in shambles. I had put so much into this person, only for him to do this to me again, & it's my own damn fault. Now, I'm left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I feel so badly about myself, & I am so terribly scared that I won't find someone else that I love, & have as much common with as I did him. He was like my best friend, but at times, he could be really bad, & everyone had seen this. A loser. A drunk. 26 yrs. old, & keeps going back to this abusive relationship. I am trying so hard to think on the positive, & see him for what he really is, & I know that I am better off without him; but for some really sick reason, I'm obsessed with him - I feel like I can't live without him. His ex says that she wants to get married to him. Not sure if she was just saying that to get him down there or what, but it rips me in two. He tells me nice things when it's only convenient for him.

 

I feel that maybe I latch on because I have nothing else going on in my life, & my pretty much non-existant self-esteem contributes. I am going to counseling once a week, setting goals in my life, but it's just been really hard. I get to hurting so badly sometimes, that I think really bad thoughts. I just feel really alone, & he has done this to me so many times, & has a clear conscience so to speak; because we're not together. So. This brain washes me in a way; leading me to believe that maybe I don't have the right to be mad. I have been there for him in every way possible. I love his parents- they love me. They're like family. Everyone tells me how much of a loser Bryan is, & how I really need to get rid of him, & I know this, & I've been trying to get through this hard time; letting go of him, so when he comes back, I won't go back into this viscious cycle. I just don't know how to go about it. I am having a hard time understanding how I can love this person, when they can be so bad to me at times. I don't know the first step to getting out of this, for I want out, but for some sick reason, my heart doesn't. He will be back as he always is, & my friends & family can't stand him; they think he's a drunk, & a loser, & it doesn't reflect very good on me either. It's just countless years of brain-washing, & striking at the self-esteem.

 

It always gets to the point that I feel as though I won't be able to fall in love again. It scares me. I am such a hurting individual, & I want to be free of Bryan permanently. I have been doing things to better myself, & I keep thinking positively, & concentrating on the bad things he has done, but then the good pop in my head, & it really upsets me. I'm just used to him being there. I do love him for many reasons, for at times, he is wonderful; but the alcohol, & his issues, just make him one sick person. He has been abused by this woman for 5 yrs., & he keeps running back to her. I don't want to be with Bryan anymore - this is for sure. I want to really get on with my life, & feel good about myself, & I don't even know how to start. I just hurt so much from him, & the sick situation, has made me kind of sick as well. My perception on relationships has been screwed up, & I just feel hopeless. Can anyone tell me what I can do here?

I want to be able to face him, & tell him that I can't do this anymore, but I feel really weak. He has made me feel like less of a person; as though I'm nothing. But he goes in spurts of being nice, to being an ass. I just want to know some steps to get the Hell out of this....

[moimeme]

but for some really sick reason, I'm obsessed with him - I feel like I can't live without him.

 

 

You are in the midst of an addiction. Here are some books - all found on amazon. You can probably find at least some in your local library.

 

Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte S. Kasl (Author) (Paperback)

 

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person : When and Why Love Doesn't Work, and What to Do About It by Howard Halpern (Author) (Mass Market Paperback)

 

Love, Infidelity, and Sexual Addiction : A Codependent's Perspective by Christine A Adams (Author) (Paperback)

 

Love Is A Choice Breaking The Cycle Of Addictive Relationships by Robert Hemfelt (Author), et al (Paperback)

 

Stage II Relationships : Love Beyond Addiction by Earnie Larsen (Author) (Paperback)

 

Love and Addiction by Stanton, Ph.D Peele, Archie Brodsky

 

Escape from Intimacy : Untangling the ``Love'' Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships by Anne Wilson Schaef (Author) (Paperback)

[Red Flag Rick]

but you are definitely a commodity.

 

and you have value, just like silver or gold. and you are right when you say that your problems have to do with your own value, or in other words, self-esteem and self worth. your choices led you to this nightmare, and your future choices can lead you right out of it and into a world you know you deserve. and i know how you feel, because, while not quite as Jerry Springerish, i allowed my rock bottom self-esteem to lead me to make choices that screwed up my world... so you are not alone and your post is a signal that you want to change. and if you have been going through all of this, you know you need to change. you also know you deserve more.

 

with all you have been through, your feelings of despair are normal. so don't beat yourself up over how you feel. you have been through enough and it is time to head in a new direction. and there is a new direction and i lived it, so i know it works. and i think it can work for you. do a search on this board with my screen name and read the posts i have responded to - start with the one from advicegirl - it is the blueprint for how i gained the self-esteem, or value, that i needed to make the correct choices in my search for my Prince Charming...

 

this process has to do with finding your value, setting your expectations, sharpening your powerful intuition skills, spotting red flags, and managing your man-search and your life by making the right choices. and it can be done, and you deserve this knowledge.

 

so many women sell themselves short, and there are reasons for this - all of which i delve into in my posts to others... so stay on this board and read the posts of others - it can be your life line if you let it. and let me know if i can help.

 

our ultimate competition in life is with ourselves. once we become masters of our own selves, we can face every future competition and challenge with the power that we all deserve to have. you know you deserve better, and you are looking for the path... i may not have the definitive path, but i know my path worked for me, and i think it will work for others... so stay on this board and learn from the experience and the mistakes of others - it can change your life.

[JaimeLynn1980]

Thank you very much! I was just looking on the Internet about books maybe I could buy. Thanks.

[shamen]

JamieLynn, I too can sympathize with both your situation and Red Flag Rick's. I have recently broken up with an alcoholic that I dated for 3 and 1/2 years. We lived together for 2 1/2. I look back in my journal and I see that I was writing about leaving him 9 months into it... I've told him on many occasions that it was over, but only now is it truly over. It took a long time to mean it, but I had had enough. It sounds like you have to. That's probably why you found this site; you're at that point.

 

It was very hard to do, but you too can do it. Suggest to him that he needs to go into rehab, or Alcoholics Anonymous and walk away from it, him and that goes with being with him. You're already in counseling, good step to actually doing the walking away. There's also Al-Anon for you(there is a god aspect to it, but they say it can be whatever you believe god to be, so for some people this isn't the answer). There are lots of people out there who have gone what you have gone through for various reasons and you can find them there, or here for that matter if you don't want to go that route.

 

You will feel better about yourself after you break it off with him completely. Find people that you can go out with, do something with, and talk to to help take away the grief that you feel from the end of the relationship. It will hurt, but in the end you will be better off. It's been 4 weeks for me now and I am already starting to feel like a different person. I'm happier. It's going slowly, but it is happening.

 

You can walk away! But if you are going to do it, do it and stick to it. That's the hardest part. He'll need your help or something and try to talk you back into it. Men like this tend to be good at manipulating when you are trying to end it. If you feel weak, write back here or call or friend and talk about how you are feeling. Don't give in to the manipulation (my ex is still trying to do that after 4 weeks) because you can stay strong. Mind you, it will be work, but totally worth it and you will feel more self confident later on because you were able to walk away.

 

I'm not saying that it's not going to hurt and that you aren't going to cry, because you will anway. Even though you know that it's for the best. You've just got to hold on to the light that you see in the distance of being removed from the whole situation and the thought of what that will feel like.

 

The counseling may help you find out why you got into a relationship with a man like this in the first place. If this is a repeat pattern of dating men who are alcoholics or addicts, then it's time to be really concerned and discuss that with your counselor. You didn't really talk about this in your post, but just a thought.

 

Stay strong! You can do it!

[capitald]

I think that sometimes humans are plagued with too much drama and the thread starter here is no exception. Although no drama can be boring, too much drama can have devastating consequences. I think alot of drama as another poster hinted on another post (I don't exactly remember which one at this point) is linked to or is caused by fear of or lack of commitment. Thereby I propose another one of capitald's relationship rules: if he hasn't proposed after two years and if you not married by the third year, get rid of him and start anew.

[moimeme]

I think, capitald, that nobody but nobody should marry any man who has as many issues as this one has whether he proposes within five minutes or makes the move at one year and 364 days. As for your 'drama', well, I fear you really haven't the first clue.

[capitald]

Yes but I win alot (I like winning) and that tends to keep me happy. Yours is not the only point of view there is.

[shamen]

Capitald:

It's not like people get into relationships expecting them to have a lot of drama. It's just something that happens over time. If I would've known that my relationship was going to have so much of it, I would not have walked into it willingly. I'd love my next relationship to have little of it! I'm sure that anyone who gets involved with an addict feels the same way; you don't know that that person is who they are when it starts.

 

2 years is barely enough time to get to know someone in my opinion...

[capitald]

There are good boys and bad boys who become good men or bad men. Don't tell me that you are that slow that you cannot tell the difference at all because I don't believe it.

 

Anyway, two years is barely enough time, fine get strung along your whole life, what can I do, I tried to help you (added: actually I mean I tried to help the starter thread person).

[Dixiecron]

Capitald,

 

Are you seriously saying that drama is good? From a guy's point of view, no drama is good drama. In fact, any guy that has it together and has been through the wringer with a drama queen will run far away when his girl starts trouble just because she is bored. Who needs it? Isn't life these days too complicated as it is?

 

You don't have to win all the time. It might even make things easier with your next guy.

[capitald]

I am a guy. Anyway, did you ever think about what no drama means? I know Mary J. Blyge the R&B singer has that song No More Drama where she sings "(I want) no more drama in my life..." but a poet is not neccesarily a thinker. There is no such thing as a life without drama, a life without drama is a life without life. Sometimes drama is the only way things can come to a climax and resolution. People don't always have the same interests in life and/or do not always think clearly (i.e. look at that movie The House of Sound and Fog) and so there is bound to be conflict and conflict is by definition an aspect of drama. You mean to tell me that people that are with each other very frequently are never going to get into any conflicts? How boring would that be? Its like only getting chocolate cake on your birthday without also getting a nice Corona with lemon and some bar peanuts. Life is all kinds, its just how you deal with it that matters.

 

P.S believe me I don't win all the time.

[Dixiecron]

Mea culpa,

 

I'm getting too used to women referring to men as "boys" so naturally I jumped to conclusions. One of my pet peeves I suppose. The drama I'm referring to is not the sort of usual issues in life that everyone has to deal with at one point or another, and that can help build relationships if dealt with in a good way. The sort I'm talking about is where a woman acts as if she needs to create drama in a relationship to find out if "her man really loves her". Sounds like we're on the same page.

[capitald]

Women have many, many tests, and they don't end with marriage. I think if you score an 80% or more most of the time you are doing alright.

[shamen]

Capitald:

 

Hate to disagree with you. I certainly am not slow (I have a master's degree and speak 2 languages, yes I'll qualify my intelligence). He, and I'm sure most addicts, was good at the beginning of the relationship to get me (and whomever else falls into this sort of relationship) into it. Yes, I probably wasn't reading all of the signs, but I didn't know that the man was an alcoholic until about 8 months into it when he moved into my apartment... At that point, yes, I'll agree with you, I turned into an idiot.

 

I don't get strung along as 4 men have asked me to marry them and I have said no to all 4 of them. Yes, some of them were really good guys. I'm really not that interested in getting married. Not every person out there is connected to the idea that we are put on this earth to marry and procreate.

 

I'm sure that JamieLynn didn't expect to be in the situation that she is in either!

 

Drama? Some is definitely expected in life. One can not walk away from that fact. Nor do I think that women are the only people in a relationship that create drama either, by the way.

 

JamieLynn:

 

Sorry that this post has become a bit off track!

[capitald]

ughh...alright.

[uriel]

JamieLynn,

 

I just wanted to say that I've been through a similar situation. It wasn't quite as chaotic or as longterm, but it was intense and painful -- the most pain I've ever felt.

 

The first step is to decide you're better off without him. That's tough to accept because of those good memories and good times. But, you've got to face reality. If he loved you, he'd be with you. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like crap.

 

He might not be capable of loving any woman the way we all need and deserve to be loved. He sounds like a commitmentphobe. They usually have both active and passive phases -- active when he's using a passive (you) and passive when he's pursuing an active (the other woman). Read Steven Carter's Men Who Can't Love. That will open your eyes. But don't get caught in the endless trap of trying to understand him. You understand all you need to about him -- he uses you; he hurts you; and if he really cared, he'd control himself for your sake. The fact is, he cares more about himself.

 

The second step is to cut off all contact with him. You do this by deciding that what's important isn't that you love him but that he doesn't love you. You decide that your own wellbeing is more important to you than his. You decide that you've got to fight for your life. If you've thought about suicide, or done other self-destructive things to get through the pain of his constant rejection, then this is literally the case. Even if you haven't, you've described a killer emotional existence. What would you say to a daughter or sister you loved who was in this same situation and hurting as only you know you do, when you drop down into that private, tear-filled, heartbreaking hell he leaves behind?

 

You don't explain no contact to him. You don't hash out old business. You tell him, "Stay away from me. I mean it." You change your phone number. You move. You alter your email address. You don't keep his things or return them -- you throw everything out. You clean house. You start over. You get the idea. You mourn him as if he'd died, and in doing so make him dead to you. That's the only way to let go of the power his partial attachment and partial abandonment has over you.

 

The third step is to stay in therapy, and continue to work the healing process when you're not in session. You need to find out why you yearn so much for the love of a man who has gained power over you through the process of coming close and moving away -- who dangles the prize of love, but won't award it. Why do you want and need him to complete you, to heal you, to accept you? For me, it was a messed up childhood and a crazy father. What's your reason? Knowing it is just part of the work. The rest is deep feeling therapy and exploration. That takes time, lots of time to heal.

 

The fourth step is working on self-forgiveness and self-trust. I think finally the hardest thing for me to deal with is that I betrayed myself. I let him do everything he was doing to me. At some level, I felt a masochistic thrill from it. I was giving myself to him entirely. There was hardly anything of myself left. I didn't have to face anything else -- this dance of knives became the center of my universe. I was afraid to move forward in my career, commit myself to other relationships, deal with my past, face my present -- and as long as the drama with him was ongoing I didn't have to. I wasn't in charge of my life; he was.

 

Understanding all that still leaves me angry with myself. I'm a strong woman. I would have cut off or crushed most people who even came close to what he did to me. I understand how it happened, little by little. He'd test to see how much abuse I'd take, how little affection I'd accept. He'd threaten to leave. He'd leave. In between these episodes, he'd give me such tantalizing sweetness, such attention, such pleasure when I didn't expect it, at random. Partial reinforcement -- it's the basis of addiction. I can't believe it myself when I look back. My therapist called it "grooming" -- she said he groomed me just like a pedophile grooms a little kid he's going to violate.

 

Makes me so damn angry at myself -- me, so smart. But, this isn't about the mind; it's about the heart, often a hidden heart, the kind that betrays. Promise yourself you won't let it betray you again. Begin to trust yourself -- slowly. That will help you to trust again. It's going to be a very long time before you want to -- or can. This will come at the end of a long healing process.

 

Moving on without him will be the hardest thing you might ever do -- but do it. You aren't really living while you're trapped in this relationship. Get out, get safe, and get on with really living. I did it, and you can too.

 

-- uriel