Milsch Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I've been dating a girl (Emily) for almost exactly one year and it's been tricky to say the least. A bit of history... Emily and I started dating days after I broke up with a long-term gf (of three years). The break-up was my decision and I had been thinking about it for a few months, so it wasn't a total shock - but it still messed me up a bit. I told Emily I only wanted something casual - and she agreed. A couple of times I had doubts about whether I'd done the right thing in ending my LTR and therefore stopped seeing Emily for a couple of weeks at a time. At the time she said she understood, but she recently told me that she was pretty distraught when it happened. My ex and I also shared a close-knit friendship group, so Emily didn't (and largely still hasn't) met a lot of my friends. This was largely because I felt bad about my ex and didn't want to rub her nose in it by parading Emily in front of her (and our mutual friends). Emily was super-patient with all this crap, even though I am sure it (justifiably) pissed her off. And now... Now I have realised that actually I really love Emily. While we don't have that much in common on paper, but she is beautiful and funny and we always have a great time together. So you're thinking, what's the problem? Well, about a month ago Emily says she became convinced that I was about to break up with her (through no real fault of my own I don't think). Because of this she says she decided to withdraw emotionally from me and now feels slightly ambivalent about the relationship. Meanwhile I have gone the other way, realising that I actually love her greatly. A few weeks ago she effectively broke up with me, although we've still been seeing each other. Do I go NC? I know the received wisdom here would be to give her space and go NC. However, I'm not sure this would work in this situation. She told me that when we're apart she has doubts, but then when we're together she has a great time and wants to be with me. We've been out the last two nights. Each time she started by being quite cold, not holding hands, kissing, etc but then by the end of the evening she opened up and was a lot more affectionate. But it always goes back to square one it seems. I feel if I go NC she will just deliberately forget about me, whereas if I keep seeing her I can try to win her over by showing her the new side to me - a bit more romantic, etc. I've told her I loved her. I think she was pleased, but obviously hasn't said it back. Not to sound arrogant, but this is an unusual situation for me - I've never been broken up with... but this girl is really special and I want to hang onto her if I can. Welcome any thoughts!
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want to get back together and that you don't want ot be just friends. If she accepts it then good. If not then tell her you can't just be friends so goodbye - and then go NC.
Author Milsch Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you want to get back together and that you don't want ot be just friends. If she accepts it then good. If not then tell her you can't just be friends so goodbye - and then go NC. Thanks for the reply! I've told her how I feel. And we still see each other, but it's as something in between friends and relationship. We sometimes hold hands, have sex, cuddle, etc... but she keeps saying things like 'I haven't changed my mind' or 'I still stand by what I said'. She says she ended it because she didn't want to string me along while she was unsure...
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 OK so basically you're FWB. If you're happy to stay like that then carry on. It's unlikely to get any better on its own. She's using you as a sex toy but will drop you like a hot potato as soon as she meets someone she likes. If you want a proper relationship then tell her that. If she is not prepared to commit then tell her that it is too painful for you to just be friends or FWB and that you will need to be away from her (NC) to heal.
katie.x Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 She says she ended it because she didn't want to string me along while she was unsure... OK, so as I see it, if you haven't already clearly explained it's a relationship or nothing then do that first. You need to be thinking of you too, if she's stringing you along for company then you'll feel worse in the long run. Or if she's unsure of what she wants as least she knows exactly where you stand. Also, have you tried a big romantic gesture? I'm a girl, if i was iffy about someone and they did something really special for me, i'd know exactly how i felt then and there. Not saying Emily will too but it'll most likely help. Then I think you need to go NC. This will give her time to think of what she feels and wants. If you wants you, she'll miss you and come back to you. Otherwise she'll probably figure her heart isn't really in it and you'll be able to move past everything.
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Also, have you tried a big romantic gesture? This only works in Hugh Grant movies.
idntknow Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) I don't know if I'm in any position to give great advice, but I guess what the old saying says stands true: It's easier to give advice then to take your own.. So with that, these things screamed out at me: 1) She told me that when we're apart she has doubts 2) Each time she started by being quite cold, not holding hands,kissing 3) I've told her I loved her...but obviously hasn't said it back. I don't know why Emily feels the way she does. I could easily speculate but it could be a number of things. No contact is funny to me because while I see others using it as a tool to win back their ex, it's really a tool to win back yourself, and in this case, allow her to figure out what it is she really wants... But I can easily understand why you're hesitant. With no contact comes the fear of losing that person, making the wrong decisions, and that in itself can be stressful. But when another person is unsure of you and willing to take a chance that they could lose you forever.. it's out of your hands because that person is already gone. My boyfriend is using a form of no contact on me, except for selfish purposes, I suppose.. and I can tell you.. it's painful and downright maddening.. but I'm sure I love him.. and this makes all the difference.. if Emily is unsure that she loves you.. then all no contact will do is prompt her to move on without you as a crutch to something she might have done anyhow. And maybe once alone and out there she will finally see what life without you is like and whether that is how she would like to continue. She has to miss you and what you had.. Does that make sense? When you're weighing your options on what decision to make here.. listen to both your head and your heart.. Consider her feelings but don't forget your own. I'm sorry you're hurting tho.. Edited August 17, 2011 by idntknow
danceallday Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 NC is the only way to go. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
just_scott Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 i think if you want to contact her and tell her how you feel then go for it hopefully she'll give you the responce you want sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder , sometimes it could be out of sight out of mind ,depends on both your feelings towards each other i guess
LovelyDaze Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am usually pro-NC but I am unsure of this one. Sounds like you got into a relationship with Emily quickly after you ended another. The baggage from the last spilled over into this one making things confusing for both parties. Both of you are afraid of getting hurt understandably. It may be needed that you two should stop being FWB(as aforementioned) and decide if you need a recommended break altogether or actually work on the issues that keeps one another from fulling investing head first into a relationship. If understanding can't be met, I'd say go NC then and move on. You guys are in a relationship limbo and need to go one way or the other.
Author Milsch Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 I am usually pro-NC but I am unsure of this one. Sounds like you got into a relationship with Emily quickly after you ended another. The baggage from the last spilled over into this one making things confusing for both parties. Both of you are afraid of getting hurt understandably. It may be needed that you two should stop being FWB(as aforementioned) and decide if you need a recommended break altogether or actually work on the issues that keeps one another from fulling investing head first into a relationship. If understanding can't be met, I'd say go NC then and move on. You guys are in a relationship limbo and need to go one way or the other. Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm trying to find a way out of the limbo! I'm just being super-nice to her; lots of little gestures to show her I care, etc. Thanks for all the advice so far. If anyone else has any, please hit me with it!
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