k100danny Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Ive been in a relationship for a couple of months with someone who was a close friend before this for a long time, we spoke everyday for around 6 months and had feelings for each other for a long time. anyway we started a relationship together and everything was great, we were both so into each other. we had an argument at the beginning of the relationship and she put it behind her and we carried on, i am very anxious and i was always doubting our relationship and getting in small disagreements. i see now i was basically wanting reassurance and the things i argued about wasnt really important to me. anyway we get into an argument and for the last week i have been very scared of losing her which has made me een worse. being anxious in relationships you end up doing things to stop this happeneing that only make it worse. So she texts after her shift and says that she loves me and cares about me but doesnt think she can give me what i need. Now i think i appeared to need more than i did because of the naxious thing but thats another story. so i say i understand why ect and not to feel bad, we were close before and i dont hate her ect. then she wouldnt reply of answer the phone for the day. the next day she says she went out to her sisters and purposely left her phone home because she needed time to think, fair enough, but she says she will call me later and she does feel bad we havent spoke. no call later. I text her on the night and say i understand why it has gone wrong but i think we need to talk about it and just say our piece as kind of closure. i tell her that im dissapointed that it ended via a message and i think we have enough respect for each other just to say what we think. i said it should be easier for you as you are the one who ended it and she shouldnt feel guilty. Then i get a reply, Im sorry i havent called, i needed some time to think. she had gone over to her best friends house with the girls. she said it wasnt easier for her but we would speak tomorrow. then she ends the message with she misses me and lots of kisses? WTF!!!! Now i miss her too but i think saying that at this time especially when she is the one who broke up with me is not a nice thing to do. i want the closure, i am hurt but i undertand the problems we had and i still value her feelings. So i leave it at that until the next day, i send her a message saying whats going on? i understand you not wanting to talk but this seems weird that we havent talked this over. i say i dont know how to take her comment of her saying she misses me and i just want to have some resolve. she messages back with im sorry i am still in bed, i had some wine yesterday with the girls, i didnt have a good night just because i was drinking and i do miss you should i not say that? she said she will call later? anyone have any idea whats going on here? it seems to me like she is frieghtened to either talk or put an end to it once and for all. i have been nothing but respectful and given her no reason to think that our conversation will not be anything other than just a final goodbye ect. I like to think i would give someone that. our relationship wasnt really long but we were very close friends before and she also said in the text when she said she couldnt give me what she thinks i need that we should still see each other this week. I really dont know what to do, just as i think im getting better and more over it something pops into my head and i kind of want to end it now but feel i cant until we have both said our piece to each other. i dont want hard feelings but i do still have feelings for her and i care about is being friends at some point in the future obviously a long way away.
danceallday Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 This is a tough one. Maybe the next time she texts you should text her back saying you really appreciate her texting, but that you would prefer a phone call or to meet in person. You can say something about the texts being impersonal or something like that. She is conflicted right now, you are conflicted right now. You need time to heal from what is going on and she is just yanking off your band-aids over and over. Another suggestion is to establish nc and ask her if she would like to as well. Maybe give each other a month or 3 months and then meet and talk, not text.
SugarLily Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Let me tell you something that my best friend told me: You are NEVER going to get 'closure'. Never. You will only be left with more questions. Here is what you need to do: Cut all contact with this girl. You are NEVER going to move forwards the way things are right now. You need to initiate no contact now. No texts, no e-mails, no calls, no NOTHING. You don't need to speak to this girl. Nothing she says is going to help you move on. She left you. Now its time to move forwards. You can't start the healing process without initiating no contact. You need to start to focus on YOU. What do YOU want out of life? How can you achieve it? It doesn't matter where she is or what she does anymore. She doesn't matter. x
Dig0923 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Let me tell you something that my best friend told me: You are NEVER going to get 'closure'. Never. You will only be left with more questions. Here is what you need to do: Cut all contact with this girl. You are NEVER going to move forwards the way things are right now. You need to initiate no contact now. No texts, no e-mails, no calls, no NOTHING. You don't need to speak to this girl. Nothing she says is going to help you move on. She left you. Now its time to move forwards. You can't start the healing process without initiating no contact. You need to start to focus on YOU. What do YOU want out of life? How can you achieve it? It doesn't matter where she is or what she does anymore. She doesn't matter. x I am going to have to agree with this here, she left you, that is the main thing. Saying that she misses you is not uncommon, she probably does miss you but she didn't say anything about getting back together with you. You should tell her that you and her should just go NC for a little while and then maybe in a month or two she can call you to set up a meeting if she wants, to talk or to talk. During that time you might get over the hurt feelings enough that when/if she does call you might say no or just ignore the call because you are getting better. Who knows, doing this, she might not even call you which will hurt but will make things easier for you later on down the road to get over her...
giuliano-3 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 So she texts after her shift and says that she loves me and cares about me but doesnt think she can give me what i need. Now i think i appeared to need more than i did because of the naxious thing but thats another story. so i say i understand why ect and not to feel bad, we were close before and i dont hate her ect. then she wouldnt reply of answer the phone for the day. anyone have any idea whats going on here? it seems to me like she is frieghtened to either talk or put an end to it once and for all. i have been nothing but respectful and given her no reason to think that our conversation will not be anything other than just a final goodbye ect. I like to think i would give someone that. our relationship wasnt really long but we were very close friends before and she also said in the text when she said she couldnt give me what she thinks i need that we should still see each other this week. I really dont know what to do, just as i think im getting better and more over it something pops into my head and i kind of want to end it now but feel i cant until we have both said our piece to each other. i dont want hard feelings but i do still have feelings for her and i care about is being friends at some point in the future obviously a long way away. I went through texting/calling after my ex left me high and dry. 6 months, LD conversations about how she regretted what she did, would want to start over with me, misses our cuddling, misses my advice, etc etc. It nearly killed me because the whole time she was writing similar things to her new LDR BF. I thought all I wanted was closure, to end things the right way, to leave an avenue open in case sometime in the future we could reconnect. But why? Because my self-esteem was so shattered I couldn't bear the thought of burning down that bridge. I thought no contact would mean there was no chance of ever seeing/hearing from her again. So I kept being strung along willingly, even though I knew it was not healthy for me to do so. It was an instinctual reaction. Passive, instead of taking action for myself. Don't do this. I can tell you personally the heartbreak/torture you'll be putting yourself through if you keep contact to try and get answers or closure. You won't get answers/closure. If anything you'll be more confused and it will add to your recovery time. Don't be afraid to burn that bridge in a respectful way, no need for showdown, no need to tell her exactly what you think she needs to hear. Go NC for awhile. If the natural course of things brings contact somewhere down the road, so be it. Right now you need to focus on your mindset, not hers.
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