filmbuffy Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 So my ex dumped me about 4 months ago, long story short, she said she does not love me anymore, there is no spark, no chemistry, had been feeling that way for a couple of months. These feelings also coincide with her meeting someone new. Anyway, she just quit us, no trying to sort things through. Game over, walked out the door and moved in with this new person. Why can't I accept this for what it is? I need answers and she can't give them to me. So I find myself going through the roller coaster of emotions. I go from trying to understand her to reaming her a new one.... just yesterday I told her off via email! Why can't I accept this.
ScienceGal Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 So my ex dumped me about 4 months ago, long story short, she said she does not love me anymore, there is no spark, no chemistry, had been feeling that way for a couple of months. These feelings also coincide with her meeting someone new. Anyway, she just quit us, no trying to sort things through. Game over, walked out the door and moved in with this new person. Why can't I accept this for what it is? I need answers and she can't give them to me. So I find myself going through the roller coaster of emotions. I go from trying to understand her to reaming her a new one.... just yesterday I told her off via email! Why can't I accept this. I am very sorry that you're going through this. Your story, as many on this forum can attest to, is all too familiar. Her leaving you for someone else is what we call "grass is greener' syndrome, or GIGS. Like I have said in previous posts, this is more to do with her than you. Using this other person was just her ticket out, there were likely other issues in the relationship that were on her mind, whether you're aware of then or not. I, of course, do not know the specific reasons, but often when someone leaves a relationship for another, it is emotional immaturity on their part. Will the grass really be greener for her? Maybe at first, but the honeymoon phase wears off for every couple. You need to maintain no contact with her. Sending angry messages will only set you back. She will either respond nastily, or not respond at all. Either of these are bad for you. She can't give you answers, it's likely she may not even know why. I have been in her shoes, and like I wrote above, it was emotional immaturity. I see the reason now, but it took me years to be honest with myself. So, don't wait around for any answers or comfort from her. You've got to do your best to keep it together. It is going to hurt for a long time due to the nature of the breakup. The thought of moving on probably turns your stomach right now because you are still in love with her, but try to get yourself to a place where you are at least feeling ok. This means getting rid of anything that reminds you of her, and absolutely no contact (no checking her facebook even). Cut her out 100%. Good luck. Forgiveness and understanding will come from within yourself.
Author filmbuffy Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 To a degree I understand what she is doing; she has a long history of GIGS... she has been jumping from one relationship to another for years. I am trying my best not to be angry with her. Not to hate her for being so immature, so selfish. I can see what she is doing, I just wish she could and get help with whatever issues she is struggling with internally. I just miss her so much, she is/was all I really have. She was my one and only friend. My family is around, but I can not continue to burden them, they have busy lifes, families to attend to. My life is so empty, the loneliness is overwhelming. If I cut her out, I think it will destroy me.
danceallday Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 flimbuffy - you need to realize that the GIG syndrome is something inside of her, not you. She has maturity and insecurity issues if she is jumping from relationship to relationship. If you go under my thread "you think your breakup was messed up", you will see that you cannot make someone feel differently about you no matter what. The only thing you can do is control your reactions to what people do/say. Sometimes there are no answers for the things people do. I felt much like you do "why" and "why me", but at some point you have to recognize you may never get those answers. You have to learn to pick yourself up, shake yourself off, and begin to move forward again. Easier said then done. I have good days and bad days and have used all the techniques that people have recommended to move on. My mantra for all of the stuff I am dealing with is: I have to go through it to get through it. I won't feel better until I allow myself to work through all of it. You need to take a breath, worry about yourself, and reach out to the people that love you.
antinko Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 You might find my journal useful. My g/f left me in such a way that I was asking too many questions and my journal shows a progression of gradual healing...but I do go 'back and forth' between grief phases still. You'll get better. I'm still recovering and I'm into my third month - it hasn't helped that I didn't maintain NC properly and I tried to get answers from her, but honestly, you never get them and if you do...they're just lies because they don't know the answers themselves.
superchiefs Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 filmbuffy, your story is almost the same as mine, only differences are my ex denied that there was someone else and I began the healing process after a couple of weeks of trying to get her back. After about 2 months of self reflection and self improvement, I re-entered the dating world and I ended up meeting someone that I connect with better than my ex. Just last week, my ex contacted me and ended up coming clean, there was another guy, he was married, he divorced his wife, she thought he did this for her, it turns out that he has been sleeping with multiple women and she got played. So even though she dumped me, it turns out that I was the one that benefited. I now have a girl that thanks me for taking her out for supper instead of expecting it. That is happy I have a job instead of always asking me when I am going to get a job that pays more. And the list can go on and on. I think if you are a good guy, you should accept that the relationship between you and your ex was not a good one and you should think about things you could do to make yourself feel better. Feeling good about yourself is noticed by others and when it is noticed, women will find you attractive. Once you attract them, the next key is to treat them with respect. Eventually you will find the right woman and you will have a better relationship than the one you just got out of.
giuliano-3 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I think if you are a good guy, you should accept that the relationship between you and your ex was not a good one and you should think about things you could do to make yourself feel better. Feeling good about yourself is noticed by others and when it is noticed, women will find you attractive. Once you attract them, the next key is to treat them with respect. Eventually you will find the right woman and you will have a better relationship than the one you just got out of. Bingo! Filmbuffy, don't be like me, don't take over a year to figure these things out. Don't beat yourself up while trashing her and thinking about what you could have done differently to stop the breakup from happening. Do you own a DeLorean which bends time when it reaches 88 mph? No? Then there's nothing you can do. These things don't help the healing process. When you start obsessing about what happened and what may or may not be going on in her mind, think to yourself "I don't want to be like Giuliano-3, I don't want to waste a year of my life whining/complaining to friends about how girls in our society have become trashy, lazy princesses." Not healthy. If you do follow my path, believe me you won't be proud of it.
Author filmbuffy Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I can not, I will not trash her, I love her and always will. She was my first love and will always have a special place in my heart. I actually am going to see a counselor to help me push through my grieve. I know she did not leave me because of something I did or said, she has issues of her own she needs to deal with. I just wish she would recognize she needs help as well, jumping from relationship to relationship is not healthy. She isn't going to find what she is looking for doing so. She needs to stop and think about someone other than herself for a minute.... before she hurts someone else.
superchiefs Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Filmbuffy, would you take her back if suddenly her and her new man broke up? And if so, how many times are you going to allow her to do this to you? With her sleeping with this new guy, how do you know that she doesnt have a STD now? These are just some things you need to think about.
wilsonx Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) So my ex dumped me about 4 months ago, long story short, she said she does not love me anymore, there is no spark, no chemistry, had been feeling that way for a couple of months. These feelings also coincide with her meeting someone new. Anyway, she just quit us, no trying to sort things through. Game over, walked out the door and moved in with this new person. Why can't I accept this for what it is? I need answers and she can't give them to me. So I find myself going through the roller coaster of emotions. I go from trying to understand her to reaming her a new one.... just yesterday I told her off via email! Why can't I accept this. What answers do you need? Read the "I am no longer attracted to you" thread in my signature. There's a lot of answers in there that I have found about people that do this. Mack05 supplemented it really well. You need to stick to NC. The more you contact her, the longer it will take you to heal. Take her off the pedestal in your head. Stop thinking positively about her. You may need to start trashing her. And guess what, you can not do anything about her jumping from relationship to relationship. You can tell her, scream at her, tie her down to a chair and tell her she needs help, but she has to do that on her own and of her own free will. Will it happen anytime soon, probably not Edited August 17, 2011 by wilsonx
Author filmbuffy Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Superchiefs, I would have taken her back, that is before she got too involved with this other person. I asked her to seriously think about what she was doing before getting in to deep. I asked her to see a counselor before making any final decisions. But she wouldn't do any of these things. So if she were to come back to me now, we would have to take things very slowly. Start over. And most importantly, she'd have to see a counselor to deal with her inner turmoil.
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