reesespieces Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hello, My S.O. and I have dated for nearly 5 years. We met in college. College has since finished for both of us. While we were long distance for the last year-year half of our relationship, we currently live 20 mi. away from one another. We've had troubles in the relationship since about January/February or so. Both on account of my stress due to my first year of graduate school, the long distance, and he also struggled with a lot of depression issues I felt unable to help/dealt with in a frustrated manner. This summer we've been very much off. It's been on an off, as in our communication has been on and off. We "got back together" very recently but we had another fight a short time after that and he got cold feet again. I very much want things to work out between us and believe now that 2 of the big issues that were troubling us (first year of grad school stress + long distance) are no longer issues. He has said he misses me and cares for me, and says I am sweet, but also says he is sick of the past, and he isn't sure how he feels about things. I want to know how to approach things. I've been distant but friendly. He knows how I feel about him and about us. He isn't dating anyone else either. He just feels very depressed and anxious about things (some of which unrelated to me) and I just want him to know how much I care and, at the same time, balance my desire for him to feel okay without pressure, with my desire to feel secure about our "status" together. Any advice much appreciated
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I know what he is going through. When I was in the navy with my brand new marriage and tons of stress weighing heavily on my mind. I wasn't sure if I wanted out or not. So I asked for a care package to know she cared. I got a stuffed bear, a movie, and a card. I fell head over heals again! He is stressing hard right now over situations he can't control. I'm betting all he really want from you is a small gesture to show you'll still appreciate him no matter what and some space. In all honesty, I reccomend you sleep together one weekend,maybe cook him breakfast, or let him sleep in late Saturday. After that give him space to call you when he isn't so stressed and let him know you're cool if he doesn't want to talk long.
Author reesespieces Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thank you very much for your response. I sent him a couple of text messages tonight...in the first I said I wanted to feel more connected to him, and what time did he usually go to sleep? In the second one I got kind of cheesy and I said i loved him like I loved (x), (y), (z). Do you think I went overboard with the text messages? I don't want to scare him but I want him to know he's loved and cared for (I have said this in other messages too). I have considered baking him something and mailing it to his house. But I don't know if this will go over well, or be something he sees as "weird" I haven't decided yet. Thank you again for replying, and your message did give me some hope in my situation
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Whoa missie, do not use the "L" word. At times like this you could push him away by "qualifying" too early. Also pull back on investing in his daily activities and let him tell you. It is kinda too much right now because it looks like you're chasing after him. The first wise advice Incan give you is to turn you cell phone off at night and hide it from yourself. Late at night serotonin levels plumit and this can cause some panicky feelings while you desperately seek for that feel good chemical,FYI. I would advise baking him and goodies right now, it may come off as stalking qualities or poisoned if he doesn't know you better. Give him the gift of space for 30 days and focus on yourself. I can tell you for future reference be very certain whenever you use the word "Love". Use phrases like "I really like you" or "I care for you" which will get the message across without opening your heart too wide. You can use words like cute which means attractive, interesting which means "drawn to something", and pet names for whenever he does something you like. Bodylanguage really helps too!
Author reesespieces Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thank you, that is good advice, and very interesting about the telephone at night. He replied to my texts with a smiley face...Trying not to overthink, and I haven't send any more in response.
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 No please, allow me. The smiley face doesn mean anything really. Most likely it's just an acknowledgment to your texts. What does matter is that he responded. He was thinking about you. What you don't want to do is pester him with pics or texts/phone calls which won't help you. Give him time to think about you and miss you. Don't try to make him jealous or bait him to contact you at all! My theory is that once you get into a comfort zone after the break up where they respond positively to your contact and expect it, NO CONTACT works even faster! You wouldn't miss someone that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy right?
Author reesespieces Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 He has been responding positively to my comments and messages, saying that I am very sweet and he is thinking of me as well, and that he just isn't sure what's wrong and doesn't know what he wants. What do you mean about NC working better? Do you think it's a better idea of diseappear for a few days and let him miss me, or send a message nearly every day that's sort of cute or sweet to let him know I am thinking about him? He already knows I am probably thinking of him and how I feel and everything, it isn't as though I need to remind him... What do you think? I haven't been caling or emailing excessively, today was the most messages I sent together in a while.
Treasa Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 He knows how you feel but he isn't reciprocating in kind. He's throwing you bread crumbs. I think you need to pull back now and give him all the space he wants. As hard as it is, because you want to feel secure about him being with you, he's really not. No matter how stressed I get, I want to show and receive love from someone if I really want to be with them. His behavior reminds me of my ex's, who had emotionally checked out of the relationship. I think you should pull back as much as possible, tell yourself it's over, and do other things in your life right now. Your absence will either be taken with a sigh of relief, in which case you have your answer, or you will be missed and he will contact you.
Sooner or Later Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 He does not want what you want. Sending a smiley face, texting that you are "sweet" (etc.), are clear indications that he is not invested in having a relationship. A man will clearly let you know if he is interested and, sorry, but, in my opinion, he is not and is just trying not to hurt you and/or is too cowardly to clearly spell it out of for you. If I was you, I would beat him to the punch and break it off completely with him.
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 No contact means "NO CONTACT!". He is behaving the way many of my exes have when theyveerent interested any longer. He used to send many texts and call you but now it's kit even a trickle, he drips little ":)" or "yes/no, idc, whatever" responses. He's just not that into you. Ignore him completely for atleast 30 days if not 6 months. If you two had anything good he MAY contact you later on, but don't hold out hopes. Go date others and has fun. You don't necessarily have to have sex with anyone else if you still have feelings for him, but dating others can be healthy. Go date people as friends and enjoy yourself.
Author reesespieces Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Wow. Seriously? You guys think he's emotionally closed off and broken up and I've been in denial over it? Wow. But I really have no right to be surprised. I guess I have been in denial. I've tried to let go, it took a lot for me to reach out to him again. But you are right it isn't being reciprocated in any way I had hoped. He has emotionally cut me off. It's so obvious now, why didn't I see it before? I guess there's no hope anymore and I should just move on.
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Now we didn't say to give up hope all together. Hope keeps us alive, hope keeps you working for the inevitable, hope keeps you happy. Right now you need hope that he will miss what he had. When he does it should be too late because someone else realizes what've wonderful person you are, or you do and aren't easily swayed by his pathetic actions to reconcile too quickly. After a breakup the relationship no longer becomes about sharing love and strengthening eachother but more about control. Right now he holds all the power because he know he can press a button and have you poin ing on him like a love-sick puppy. Take that away and he will start to wonder what he did wrong to push you away. He wi most likely fire back with anger after you continue to ignore him, and eventually he will reason with you. I would say wait it out until you get a sincere contact. Sometime you may need to wait until he calls you two or three times before you call back. Trust me the more unavailable you seem the better.
Author reesespieces Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Thank you, that is good advice. I will try not to panic and just maintain some distance and see what happens.
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