Last Chance, Maybe not?

[Nsweet]

I don't really feel like divulging into my whole married story tonight, so I'll keep this nice and short.

 

My wife of 2.5 years divorced me completely by surprise by mail after we had an argument April 15th. We've been LDR ever since last July when she left to support her parents and go back to school. At that time we were living together in a small apartment with my parents which didn't go well. I remember her complaining that I needed to get out and do something with my life, so much that I got so irate I told her, "If you don't like me then why don't you go find someone else!". Turned out that day she took a class on divorce and filed that very same day.

 

When I received the papers I was shrieking, crying, and begging her to take me back. She said yes so long as I made it to California quick. We actually visited her family over the weekend and cancelled the papers Monday but she wasn't happy. I kind of twisted her arm to cancel the divorce and she retaliated by pushin me away the entire time. Eventually we were kissing but that was it! Then I messed up bad, real bad. Right after a lobster,candle lit dinner,I was rubbing her legs after a hard day at pe class. When she passed out I tried to wake her up by being romantic and spontaneous and licking her which was something she used to love. She freaked for then next few days but eventually we were good again. She divorced me the morning of her college graduation and let me throw her a party without knowing.

 

When I got the papers I sat on them for almost four weeks before rushing them in. I made a few mistakes and couldn't afford to resubmit for the $400 court fee. She on the other hand never sent her final papers in so the case was thrown out. Yah-hoo!

 

I started NC after buying and reading through "the magic of making up"-which sucked. Then sent in the second chance letter after about a month. Weeks and weeks after that I called her on a Sunday,nervous and worried, we clicked again like before. I continued to call her every day after work, i even appologized for hurting her, and got a "thank you for telling me this" after. We continued to laugh and keep in touch until last Monday....

 

I had just registered with community college and was excited to tell her. I had also been thinking of how well we were doing and that I wanted to tell her to file for separation so we could have more time to think thing through. She acted like I broke her heart and started crying about how I didn't respect her decision and that we always do what I wanted to do.

 

That's the last time intalked to her.

I got this email Friday night when I was out.

 

"I just wanted to said that , I didn't mean to be rude but I did mean it about having a day to go down to California and sign the paper's. * I don't like be treated like you are treating me with about *the divorce.*

 

I want to do the things right with you about it.

 

Call me okay, so I can asked for the days"

 

She is Mexican btw.

 

What I have been working on in my spare time is researching "love and relationship psychology". What I get from this situation is that she needs to feel appreciated again by me. I know she has been and still is faithful, which I have honestly been too. I have been thinking about reinitiating a long term NC but only after breaking down her defended and displaying the capability to walk away forever. We all know how that SO would love to remain friends and stay in contact to receive validation and jerk us around.

 

Here is the break down letter I've composed.

 

"You weren't rude at all, I actually needed to hear the things you said to me(agree to her feelings). I know we wouldn't have had a good marriage because I'm just not a kindhearted guy, it's ok I realize that now(reverse psychology 2x there with a disqualification of her favorite character trait about me). I am sorry I tried to convince you other wise. (apology without defense)

 

I haven't given you enough of the appreciation you deserve so the least I do is can give you the freedom you want.(acknowledge what she wanted more of in the relationship with a willingness to let her go)

 

Good bye J(you can't have me anymore)"

 

I figure after this I just wait a few weeks for her to calm me. Complete NC! No emails or logging onto her FB or any source or communication. Then after that low investment,no chasing or bothering her,no begging or neediness. It's not like we won't see eachother again because of the divorce when I will have my say at mitigation.

 

I really want us to workout. Not because I could live without her, but because we made eachother happy. I saved her from herself and put her through school. She saved me from suicide and made me wantto be a better person.

[Nsweet]

I just got an email from my wife that said simply,

"Are you ok? Please let me know ok."

 

Now would not be a good time to contact because it will seem like I have been just waiting for her responses. I'm just going to throw my phone in a drawer and continue working on myself during NC. I've already lost 10lbs, increased my incline bench 30lbs, started college, and gotten help and therapy with the VA. I'm doing so much better since the divorce was started!

 

What do you guys think I should do from here?

[Nsweet]

I was out this afternoon at college buying school books, which took forever with the run around. To my surprise I got a phone call from her about ten minutes before I made it home. NC is working quite nicely!

 

I still want to wait things out a little longer until she just about gives up hope before I contact her. I'm thinking about leaving some form or aknowlegement a few days before though, but I haven't weight everything just yet so don't quote me.

 

You know spending time with my two rescue cats that were abused has really taught me volumes about NC. Give enough affection to peak interest followed by NC drives desire up three fold. Follow that with longer bouts of affection and you'll find the shield of discomfort has lowered. Just my $.02

[ja123]

My take on it is that you two have been through a lot together and have a really special bond. It almost seems like each of you have an "addiction" to the other. These on-again-off-again divorce proceedings are unbelievably damaging and if you both want to give marriage another shot for real, then you may need to see a marriage cousellor.

 

P.S. You use the acronym 'SO' - what does that stand for?

[Nsweet]

I think you nailed it there we were addicted to eachother non stop for nearly two years and have seen eachother through nearly everything. I saved her from poverty and helped put her through school and she saved me from death. I just didn't see until now what a jerk I had become after the navy. Now I am the same gentle guy she married and kind of glad I got this experience to improve myself and woo her all over again.

 

My goal would be to get us into counseling finally but right now she is confused to say the least. I do get some form of contact from her nearly every week atleast once a week but I'm enjoying my newfound ambitious streak and feel I should take a few more weeks to myself first. Later on I plan on calling her but this time around not nearly as much and with far less investment in her life. You know pull back and stop the chase.

 

If all else fails and I end up going to court with her like she wants. I can always fall back on knowing that I am still a giving and caring person and going far in life. Maybe show her this time that I could live without her, but I lived better with her.

[Nsweet]

Today I've been having conflicted feelings about when to contact her. This week possibly or maybe next, maybe not at all but then I started thinking about her last responses and the paradigm shift from one message to the next. I put two and two together and found SARA, the acronym for shock/surprise,anger/anxiety,rejection/rationalization, and finally acceptance.

 

S: shock or surprise

I believe this happened most on that phone call where I suggested reconciliation and she blew up and started crying and told me I didn't respect her decision to divorce like she wanted. Most other times this would be right at or just after the breakup.

 

A: anger or anxiety

This was most clearly represented in the email I got asking me to call so we could plan time to divorce in the future on her terms. I wasn't having it so NC continued atleast she could cool off.

 

R: rejection or rationalization

Now I know from experience when she feels rejected she calls or contact me to see if I'm ok or asking if I'm mad at her. Every other time I said no and continued to call her the responses got fewer and fewer until she decided to talk.

 

A: acceptance

This is the stage I'm waiting for when she is easiest to talk to without any shred of aggression shielding her from talking openly and calmy. Possibly this could be anywhere from a few days to a week or two from now.

 

Finally NC has a predictable plan I can understand! I know how to read her and can tell most of what her intentions are, but I made the mistake of acting on those positive signs too quickly and too early. I have a step bu step plan now and feel more confident. I've been doing fantastic with taking care of and improving myself, because let's face it I SUCKED. Now with the possibility of divorce and more separation I'm no longer afraid. I've served on a us submarine in dangerous waters, been in a few haunted houses, and been close to death numerous times. Nothing was ever as scary as divorce.

 

 

 

http://zengerfolkman.wordpress.com/2010/12/01/meet-sara-our-emotional-response-to-bad-news/

[EgoJoe]

I think you may very well benefit from reading the material here:

 

al.turtlecounseling and www.bettermen.org

[Nsweet]

I've seen you post these links about a dozen times on here. Are you making money off of this or something? You certainly aren't offering up valuable counseling yourself, but rather advice that makes absolutely no logical sense.

[EgoJoe]

Heh, no, I'm not making money off of those links. I would like to say that just because you don't see my sense yet it doesn't mean I'm not "making" any. I am being very logical, perhaps my system of logic contains more outliers, information and scope than you might be aware of right now.

 

I could not summarize the information found on those websites. I apply it. My logic is very sound and I have seen positive results from my practices in all of my relationships.

 

I am not a counselor and the "advice" I've given is usually very cautious expressing that the OP might benefit from waiting, thinking and making themself better. I think one exception was my example of an apology because I've seen how effective a short, simple, specific apology that exudes confidence in things can be. I am not here to preach my way of doing things, I do not have my own "way" (beyond how I apply things for me). Everything I do stems from information I've gathered and I had to do alot of healing before I was out of the denial and anger stages enough to apply it.

 

Take heart and keep learning.

 

Afterthought: I believe that the "Reliable Membership:Testicle Principle" "Know when to fold 'em" and "Pulling" articles on Al Turtle's site will help you heal and give you some of the answers you are scrambling for. I know that Bettermen.org has some products but the free information alone is enough to expand your mindset and the $10 book Hold on to your N.U.T.S was worth it.

Edited August 24, 2011 by EgoJoe

[Nsweet]

Been nearly a month since I posted here, so I thought I would share my good news and experiences.

 

After my wife and I had a fight over the phone a few weeks back where I ended up telling her how I didn't deserve to be treated so badly and just couldn't stay married to her. A feeling to which I was completely lying but just defending myself. She told me how she didn't like it when I was completely ignoring her and blocking her calls. So I set out to put another action into place.

Thanks to a lot of support I got from a few marriage counseling books I sniped from Barnes & Nobel for a killer deal, a few get her back ebooks, and some helpful advice from Michelle Weiner Davis. I had a better idea of what to do with the situation. I waited a few weeks for things to cool off and just stepped back from giving her so much value whenever we talked. I will admit attending college and studying all the time helped to occupy my time with more productive thoughts. On top of that I have been surrounded by attractive women that actualy want to share my time or date me, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of infadelity so I prefer to keep things professional.

 

When I finally started talking to her again I decided the best thing to do was to shut up and listen. That is to say, I don't try to impress her or tell her about things I am doing unless she asks. In only two weeks of talking to her once or twice a week she started giving me all those precious indicators again. She completely stopped mentioning the divorce in Cali and now hints at how badly she want to see me in Colorado, she says her family misses me, she compliments me instead or nit picking,and constantly brings up positive old memories. She even posted on her skype account something about how hard it is finding herself again. No surprise there as I could predict a girl raised on disney movies might have a young life crisis, but I would still be there to see her though this until things are officially over. Best yet, she bought a wedding band much like the old one and wears it daily because she is also uncomfortable with the idea of cheating.

 

I will still go to California because part of me does not trust her to finish this in secret, but I do not want to mess things up by mentioning anything until a week before even if she absolutely can not come. I have taken my time to heal up and work on myself and now have a much more positive and non needy attitude about things.

[Nsweet]

...A week or so ago I played it cool while talking to her when she mentioned how stressed she was after work. I casualy told her she ought to get out and enjoy herself, have dinner with friends, date someone nice. She responded with "DID YOU SAY DATA?! :(". That warmed my heart right away.

 

She even contacted me out of the blue on skype to talk for a few and told me how she had been looking at our old pictures.

 

At one point I was worried when she mentioned buying all this furnature for herself, getting a dog, wanting to get her first tattoo, but then I remembered how lonly she seemed so I wished her well on her dreams.

 

Tonight after about a week of not contacting her, simply because I know how bitchy and tired she gets from the child care center taking care of 80 babies a day. I decided to give her a call and see how she was doing. Like always she told me about herself with few questions about me, which works out even better. Then she confided in me how bad and ugly she feels for gaining weight. I know it's not the "let's get back together" statement I was looking for but I am never dissapointed now that I have regained the magic.

 

In case anyone actually reads my thread I would like to point out that the biggest advantage I ever made with my ex was to look at things from a beginning stage I already knew as friendship, instead of an alien stage I had no clue of.

 

In my case I just agreed and made sure each convorsation we had over the phone brought her excitement or made her feel better when she was having a crappy day. At the same time I made damn sure I was not kissing up to her and only complimented her when she really deserved the validation. There were times where I shared what I was up to which didn't get any emotional feedback, so I just threw the convorsation back at her. In no time she was complimenting me for no reasons and sharing private info she hadn't been telling me in a long long time. She is now getting a better view of the changes I have made and the general calming and accepting nature I have regained from the nightmare I was after leaving the Navy.

 

Now, I am just taking things very slowly with her and building up trust and comfort again. I believe now that she has been out there she sees what life is really like, she misses me. After we see eachother and spend a few days together I would like to gently suggest that we sit down and talk about the things we refused to discuss. Right now we both feel the same way but can't manage to tell eachother how we honestly feel. I have worked hard to improve myself both physically and emotionally. I have lost 15lbs and gained a lot more muscle, I went back to school, I delt with my cyclothymia condition, and several other quirks like insecurity and jealousy and feel ready for anything. I have dated and had many opportunitues to be with other women but not so much as kissed a single one. I still feel the way I did about my wife today as I did when I married her. Let's just see If I can get her to feel the same way about me six weeks from now.

[EgoJoe]

Keep up the good work and keep us posted.