AdventureLover Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hi, this is my first post so I am going to open up and tell my story while I am going through this tough situation. Writing it all out may help me feel better so I feel like I am not holding all these emotions inside. Apologies for it being so long! I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in April and we had been together for 5 and 1/2 years on and off. He was my first love and long-term relationship. We met in senior year of high school when he transferred to my school and he was on the same school bus. Then we attended the same university in a different city during undergraduate and graduate degrees. We lived together in an apartment for 2 years in the third and fourth year of the relationship. However, currently we are living in different cities (2 hours apart) due to my internships at various places every month and I do not plan on returning to the city where he lives besides graduation commencement. Initially, he didn't appear to by my type of guy I am usually interested in based on his looks. However, I did not have much luck with guys in the past because I always tend to want what I can't have so this may have played into it. He was friends of a friend too so this is how we first met. He pursued me and was very flirtatious on the bus, but more of an introverted quiet guy, had a sense of humor and very intelligent. He seemed like the type of person to go very far in life and I was attracted to that. He was from a different culture (Latin) than me (Caucasian). He did not make a good impression on my parents however, which may be culture related, and this persisted throughout the relationship. His family was very inviting and friendly toward me. However, I did have issues with them speaking another language with each other in front of me without the need for translation at all when they could also speak English fine. I noticed that throughout the relationship he always seemed to push it to the limit with flirting with other girls, trying to make me jealous. I am naturally a jealous person, so it was tough to deal with. He had several relationships previously, and some of his exes would communicate online with him. I did not really see the point of this, and it just seemed like they were trying to win him over again. In addition, this new intern at his work (a freshman) came into his life a year ago and I was having issues with him talking to her excessively (she comes into play later). He would also give her rides home from work, even though her dorm was not on the way to his condo. He also told me a week after the fact that they got a bite to eat after work one day. He told me when we were together that she was like a sister to him, he did not find her attractive, and was too short. He told me he talked to her about our relationship problems while we were together, which I thought was not appropriate but I did not know exactly what they talked about. We even went on a double date to a restaurant with her boyfriend at the time, he encouraged me to be friends with her and we talked on FB sometimes. He told me she cheated on her boyfriend with another guy at the time also and then they broke up eventually so I knew based on this I could not trust her with him. I would sometimes go through his phone (never finding anything major, but just little phrases in texts or FB wall postings), and I frequently accused him of cheating which of course is not healthy. Sometimes I thought I was being paranoid, but then I felt like I was very open about any relations I had with guys and wouldn't put myself in a compromising situation like he sometimes did. So during our relationship, we broke up several times, I would say at least five times including while we were living together which was tough. It was for various reasons and I can't really remember what they were exactly but some of the times it was due to having different interests/compatibility. We were compatible based on religion, politics, and morals which was nice. However, he is more of an introverted homebody that enjoyed going to bookstores or playing video games. I enjoy going out to explore outdoors activities, and especially water activities. He did not like the water, and neither did anyone in his family because of a fear of drowning. I enjoy going to the pool, beach, kayaking, boating, cruising, white water rafting, tubing, and fishing. He did not like any of this when we were together and refused to try many of these activities because he said he was not a good swimmer, even when I offered to teach him how to swim better. Ironically, he told me after we broke up he visited the beach and pool several times afterwards. We both liked traveling. I enjoy road trips and local travel, but he enjoyed traveling by air to faraway places. Being together for five and a half years we did not appear to travel very often together or to any faraway place, even though I brought it up often and would be willing to plan something (he was more of a spontaneous traveler). So going back to the time we broke up. I moved 2 hours away from where he was living, due to school internships and we planned to visit each other on weekends. At the time of the break up, I had visited him 3 times and he had only visited my place once. I originally wanted him to visit me that weekend so that we could enjoy the beach where I lived, but he would not so I visited him. The weekend started out okay, we were going to go hiking at a park we had never been to. The hiking trail wasn't anything amazing though and quite boring at times, however it was a good time for conversation, which I was trying to make light of, however he seemed to be in a more serious mood for some reason and not talkative. Then I wanted to go out somewhere that night and do something fun, but he wanted to stay home. We had a fight about this issue and I ended up leaving his apartment but did not tell him where I was going, and seeing a movie on my own. He did not even text or call me to see where I was going or if I was alright the whole time. At this time, I did not enjoy doing things alone and it was especially hard seeing other couples around. When I got back, I told him it was over, that I was tired of being off and on, and that I did not care if we were together or not. It was like I was indifferent to being in a relationship with him. He finally told me that he was indifferent as well. At this point of being in a relationship for so long, it was time to make a commitment to marriage soon if things were going to continue into the future (however he wasn't the type for big weddings and sometimes said he didn't want children, which it was hard to picture me with him for either of these things as well) or break it off. I was tired of not being able to trust him or not with other girls too. So after breaking up with him, it was tough at times. I felt like I lost my best friend and the person I could talk to anything about. I watched a lot of movies and did not contact him very much at all. I did spend a fabulous month in Boston, which allowed me to grow, experience all the sights there even do things by myself, and stay busy surrounded by positive people. I would like to return there after graduation if I can find work. I went on a date with one guy friend, and I thought it went well but he did not return any of my texts after, and then there was another guy I liked in Boston where we went out to bars together but nothing ever happened and we remained friends. I started to join some Meetup groups, and will be attending some events this weekend. I would like to focus on building friendships first and taking any new relationship slow, if I am even ready at this point. It has been four months now, and I did start to contact him more a week ago because I was curious to know what he was doing and was bored, and we talked several times this week unfortunately. After the break up, I was checking his Twitter account frequently when I was not busy. We are not friends on FB since the breakup but when we were together he did not really post pictures of us together on there and did not like it when I posted pictures of him on my FB, which I thought was odd. Through talking to him yesterday, I just found out he has been dating the intern from his work for a month. I was very upset and angered by this and felt betrayed in a way. I don’t understand why I feel like this if we are not together, I broke up with him, I was not completely happy with him when we were together, and he was not treating me right. I had felt as though he had cheated on me while we were together, although he denied it and kept questioning if I cheated on him, which I did not. I felt all the things he told me about this girl when we were together were lies and he did like her because they share the same profession. I am jealous that he is in a relationship, but it happened rather quickly, and she is 4 years younger than him as well. I am just puzzled because he said that he did not want to be a relationship right away when we were talking because in the past he has jumped from quickly to relationships. Then he also told me he was with other girls before going out with her. I just feel like this is a big joke that he is actually going out with her now and he is going to tell me tomorrow, fooled you. This past week, not much has been going on, so that is probably why I contacted him because I was bored. I blocked him at times today and he appeared to block me too at times, although I feel like I have a lot of unanswered questions especially why he is with her now. We both agree that we were not meant to be together. I am the type of person that likes to be busy and go places all the time, so I have planned to attend a bunch of Meetup groups that are coming up. This will help me meet new people, hopefully make friends, and keep busy to keep my mind off things. I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that I did the right thing by breaking up with him, and some encouragement to not contact him again because I get the urge to contact him when I am bored because I feel like he is the only one that understands me or even send him this entire note. Does it usually take this long to get over someone, and is it normal to be fine one day and feel like you are starting over the next when trying to move on? Because I feel like the past week has been very difficult, even though some months previously he did not really cross my mind. My biggest fear is being alone and not meeting someone else that is compatible, a best friend, and someone that enjoys spending time together and doing similar activities together. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Nohbody Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Sounds like things are more or less resolved, and I think you've done pretty well. Maybe contacting him because you were 'bored' was a good excuse to yourself, but it seems like you are on the right track in spite of slip ups. If you want reassurance, it's yours and if you want cheer leading to stay nc, you got it. keep up the good work.
Author AdventureLover Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I just wanted to share an update with how I have been doing: Two days after I posted this message, I attended several Meetup groups in the new city I was living in. My purpose was just to meet new friends, keep myself busy, and see the sights of the city. On the first meetup, I met a guy there, and we continued to go to several of the same events, and progressively get to know each other better. This led to developing a relationship that has lasted three months so far. He is a great guy that has career goals, intelligent, funny, friendly, much in common, and is close to his family. He treats me far better than any other guy I have been with and is very respectful. We have done so many great activities and trips together in such a short period of time and have grown very close. My family also enjoys his company and everything seems to be going right. I am truly very lucky to find someone like him and do not want to mess anything up. I have maintained no contact with my ex boyfriend (except once 2 months ago), but I do find myself thinking about how he is doing when I am not busy and when I am alone. I tend to keep checking his and his new girlfriend's FB/Twitter and it is difficult to stop. He appears to still be in a relationship with the same person. I still feel betrayed and hurt by how he treated me, even though I know it would never work out between us because we are completely different people and he treated me horribly when we were together. Am I wrong to harbor these feelings 8 months after we have broke up, and how can I stop having the urge to find out what is going on in his life? Moreover, I am worried and want to know how can you tell if you are in a rebound relationship? I have gone on a couple of dates with other guys before meeting my new boyfriend, and I care deeply about him, but I feel bad for having these secret thoughts. Thank you for your time.
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