Thehusband2 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My wife and I have had our ups and downs and we are currently working on strengthening our marriage, which is not currently at its best. This might sound stupid buts concerning me. More like I have negative feeling in my gut when thinking about this. Here goes.... My wife has a friend whose marriage is essentially over. Her and her husband don't talk, hang out anything... This women started an affair with a guy and I overheard this conversation (between her and my wife) a week ago. My wife didn't condone this or say anything encouraging her to stop ... she was just an ear I feel really bad for this guy because his wife cheated and he doesnt even have an idea now, i dont like my wife hanging out with this women now that I know this...they like to usually go out for drinks and what not...but remember my wife and I are not at our strongest and a cheating friend makes me, i guess, insecure am i crazy, should man up or what? Ideas???
Woggle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yes you should be very concerned. Women like her friend are poison to a marriage.
reboot Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Try to seek out some happily married couples to hang out with.
seibert253 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 The Bad will always influence the Good. Just some food for thought. I have a good friend whose wife was best friends with a woman who was actively cheating on her H. Guess what, my friend's W ended up cheating on him. I don't care what anyone says, my buddies W's friend had a DIRECT influence on her behavior. If you have some concerns regarding your W's relationship with her W friend, then you should express those. I would also express your concerns that in your eyes your W seems to be condoning this activity by her lack of concern about what her friend is doing. Have you thought about filling in her friend's H about what's going on? Even if their M is dead, he still deserves the right to know what his W is engaging in.
mysteriousbox Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Just go read Vanhandle's thread if you need to see proof of what bad influences can do...
jnj express Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Be careful----if your wife mentions, that there are problems with her(your) mge---this friend who cheats is liable to tell her that cheating is good for what ails her If they go out to drink, and you don't want to prevent it---then make sure that it is only one, or 2 drinks only to unwind, and your wife is back home with you---- Do not allow her any extended stays at a bar w/out you present-----actually she should not be going to any bars w/out you----if she must go with her GF---it should be for lunch at a rest.
seren Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am more of the mind that no one has the right to tell someone who they can be friends with, what they do or where they go. I am, however, of the mind that it is perfectly acceptable to discuss what your fears are, lay it on the table and emphasise what your boundaries are, regarding your marriage. I also think that if a person has it in them to cheat, then they will cheat, not saying once a cheater always a cheater, I am also thinking that sometimes we have to trust someone not to cross that line. I know prevention is better than cure, but if she is going to do it, then friend or no, she will. Talk to her!
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My wife and I have had our ups and downs and we are currently working on strengthening our marriage, which is not currently at its best. This might sound stupid buts concerning me. More like I have negative feeling in my gut when thinking about this. Here goes.... My wife has a friend whose marriage is essentially over. Her and her husband don't talk, hang out anything... This women started an affair with a guy and I overheard this conversation (between her and my wife) a week ago. My wife didn't condone this or say anything encouraging her to stop ... she was just an ear I feel really bad for this guy because his wife cheated and he doesnt even have an idea now, i dont like my wife hanging out with this women now that I know this...they like to usually go out for drinks and what not...but remember my wife and I are not at our strongest and a cheating friend makes me, i guess, insecure am i crazy, should man up or what? Ideas??? If she cheats and uses her "friend" as a personal assistant, then lay down the law.
PegNosePete Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am sure her friend is telling her how great her affair is, how much fun she is having, and how life is good when you have an affair. I would want to put a stop to that immediately and the best way would be to tell her husband - probably anonymously, so that your wife doesn't find out how he got to know. If your wife sees that her friend's husband has found out and that she is now facing consequences of her cheating actions, then it might show her that it's not just a fun game after all, and that selfish actions lead to unpleasant situations, maybe even divorce. If her friend's affair ends badly then it can only be a good thing for your own marriage.
jnj express Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 As to friends---no one should be able to control who your friends are----but---by the same token---there are friends who are potential/enemies of the mge, and that is something that needs to be dealt with Proper relationships with friends is fine---inappropriate relationships with friends is unacceptable----and even more so AFTER a spouse has cheated----then---normal rules about friends are out the window, if there is an attempt being made at R.
Author Thehusband2 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thanks guys...good points! Its true that this friend tells my wife how good things are. "oh...I had 7 orgasms, he had 3" "oh my god!" then what made me sort of sad for her husband is that she said that "when I came home he tried to hug me in bed...he has no idea!" Betrayal....Its like I can feel his pain...scarring!!! I dont feel my wife condones this, but she is of the mind set that people should run their own lives and if this is what she chooses then so be it! Mind you they are not best friends! My wife and I have had conversations on the topic of faithfulness before and I feel I really trust her but I am just uneasy about her hanging out with this friend anymore. The way I say it now (now that it is confirmed that she is cheating) is that she is available for other men. So, if guys appraoch my wife+her friend while at bar or restaurant...the friend will go along with conversation etc... because she IS available now. My wife will be a good friend and just go along (meaning just conversate) because her freind wants that. So...this is a situation that I dont want my wife to be in i.e. talking to guys who are looking for women just because her friend is. By the way...I have no problem with my wife going out with friends to a bar etc to drink and chat... Friends that are in relationships and not looking. After all, I enjoy drinks out too so why wouldnt she? Its just this 'poison" as you stated before that is my problem....
Woggle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Tell your wife that you know what her friend is doing and if she gets any bright ideas you will not be a doormat and that you have your eye out for it. She needs to know before hand that you will not just be some doormat.
Bryanp Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Why don't you ask your wife how she would feel if you hung out at bars with a married male friend who is cheating on his wife and talking about how great cheating sex is? Ask how she would feel if you hung out with this married guy at bars who is open to meeting other women and tells you after he has sex with his lover and comes home how his wife wants to hug him? I wish you would somehow inform her husband what she is doing.
Author Thehusband2 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Why don't you ask your wife how she would feel if you hung out at bars with a married male friend who is cheating on his wife and talking about how great cheating sex is? Ask how she would feel if you hung out with this married guy at bars who is open to meeting other women and tells you after he has sex with his lover and comes home how his wife wants to hug him? I wish you would somehow inform her husband what she is doing. hi bryanp - my wife trusts me and I know for a fact she would not stop me from going out with a friend like this. she might not like it, but will never admit it or show it in any way shape or form because she believes in freedom and trust...just the way she is! Not jealous at all... About telling this guy...i've thought about it...but I dont know him enough...maybe he already knows, doesn't want to know. He deserves to know for sure hmmmmm...if he finds out it might not be all that anonymous
Steadfast Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Talk to her! Great advice here. You read my mind with this post seren. I'd memorize your opening post, sit your wife down and repeat it word for word. Nothing wrong with posting here for advice, but in many cases what a spouse writes here is something they should be saying to their other half. Talk to her. You can 'man up' and put your foot down but if you think you can keep her from cheating you are mistaken. An unhappy woman will toss it back in your face out of rebellion. No harm in telling her how you feel. True love grows in the face of strife and troubles. Imitation love wilts and is exposed by the same. If she loves you, she would never have an affair.
UnsureinSeattle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I can't lay all of the blame there, but my SO and I certainly had our problems exacerbated by her (then) best friend. She was in a supposedly open, and definitely failing marriage. Her daydreamy bs about dumping her hubby and being free and etc. definitely rubbed off on my SO and suddenly everything that was going wrong in their relationship and ours was being reported on and dwelled on and dissected. Her negative attitude, and the things that she was getting up to were most certainly an influence on my partner. Most tellingly? She told my SO that she would have left me if she were in her shoes, and to pursue the guy at work that she was having an EA with. Flat out told her to go for it, and the "heart knows not what it wants" and all of the rest. She was also helping to lay cover stories and the like. I didn't ask her to not see her friend anymore... she came to the conclusion on her own after I sat her down and discussed what I thought the negative influences were coming from. Don't be a dick, don't lay down an ultimatum... but talk to your wife. Share with her your feelings. And listen.
KathyM Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My wife and I have had our ups and downs and we are currently working on strengthening our marriage, which is not currently at its best. This might sound stupid buts concerning me. More like I have negative feeling in my gut when thinking about this. Here goes.... My wife has a friend whose marriage is essentially over. Her and her husband don't talk, hang out anything... This women started an affair with a guy and I overheard this conversation (between her and my wife) a week ago. My wife didn't condone this or say anything encouraging her to stop ... she was just an ear I feel really bad for this guy because his wife cheated and he doesnt even have an idea now, i dont like my wife hanging out with this women now that I know this...they like to usually go out for drinks and what not...but remember my wife and I are not at our strongest and a cheating friend makes me, i guess, insecure am i crazy, should man up or what? Ideas??? I think now would be a good time to have a talk with your wife about the importance of fidelity in a marriage, and discuss how destructive and unfair it is to be unfaithful to your spouse. Elicit sympathy for that husband, and for the marriage, and say you would be crushed if that ever happened in your marriage. Then discuss with your wife how she might be acting as a good friend to the woman by encouraging her to try to work things out with her husband, and to abandon the affair. She would be a good friend by encouraging her to do the right thing. I think it helps a person to get feedback from their friends and relatives when they are getting off track or doing something destructive. Friends and relatives have their best interests at heart, and don't want to see either party get hurt. Encourage your wife to not remain neutral, and to counsel the woman to do the right thing for her marriage.
jnj express Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Husband2-----I am sorry, but allowing your wife to go out to bars to drink w/out you----what the he*l is your interpretation of mge. Allowing your wife into harms way, you are in for one big dose of reality one of these days---- Just out of curiosity---did you know!!!!!---that your wife is married!!!!!----is that some kind of revelation to you MARRIED WOMEN DO NOT GO OUT TO BARS DRINKING WITHOUT THEIR SPOUSE ALONG-------but then again, I guess you also won't agonize and be filled with pain, when you finally do find out your wife has cheated Please do not come here and complain to us, when something you allowed/encouraged jumps up and bites you in the butt
Woggle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I just had a thought. Talking to her about it will actually expose her mindset. If she snaps back at you and gets resentful because she accuses you of trying to control her she might be considering an affair. If she validates your concerns and actually listens to you you might be okay as far as her cheating goes. This is a good way to measure where her head is at.
Author Thehusband2 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 @kathy thanks for the reply...I must say I agree that friends should encourage eachother to do the right thing. What if the relationship is bad, to the point of no support, friendship, and maybe even abuse? This friend wants to get out but cannot (financial). I feel bad for the husband probably because I imagine myself being betrayed and how that wpould feel. What if getting out of the relationship IS absolutely needed and this is the catalyst! And my wife sees this as that. She wasnt saying go for it (atleast that one conversation), but didnt say stop either. Bull****, right! For most maybe, but some are not as direct, strong or whatever. I know right know I would never cheat, but what if my story was different and was being emotionally, perhaps physically abused! I found someone that cared for me and ended up sleeping with them which then led me to break the marriage off be bad....whats worse??? @jnj....hmmm...a bit aggressive dont you think? I'm not complaining or crying here. Her going out for a drink once and a while isnt in my opinion going to lead to infidelity. Just because your married doesn;t mean your social life has to becaome limited. There are still guy nights, I still see my friends for a beer, so does she. I never said she goes out and gets wasted at bars. There have been a couple occasions where she went out and came back a vbit late and drunk, we talked...and it did not happen since...perfect! My problem is her hanging out with her unfaithful friend period, at a bar or mcdonalds at breakfest! This is because of the influence issue
whammy Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 this is how I would handle this. I would tell me wife that "your friend is a scumbag and I will not force you to stop hanging out with her but I cant help but question the integrity of ANYONE that wouldnt try to get to her to make better choices and I mean ANYONE.... the fact that you are not criticizing her choices or cutting off contact with her is really damaging my opinion of you" Also, I am a real man and a real man does the right thing no matter what, even if involves self sacrifice. So i would tell him about his cheating wife and I would make no secret about it. I would never hide my morals, values, or integrity to accommodate anyone... i would tell my wife "your friend has one week to tell the truth to her husband or I will tell him myself in person and I will not budge on this issue" the fact that it is a down time in your marriage... these actions might greatly damage it but I would stay the course. If she wants a break because of this then I would back off and give her freedom but ultimately she will respect your for your courage, and integrity... and will chose you over this "friend"... once she finds out that her friend will drag her down a dark path...
Steen719 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 @kathy thanks for the reply...I must say I agree that friends should encourage eachother to do the right thing. What if the relationship is bad, to the point of no support, friendship, and maybe even abuse? This friend wants to get out but cannot (financial). I feel bad for the husband probably because I imagine myself being betrayed and how that wpould feel. What if getting out of the relationship IS absolutely needed and this is the catalyst! And my wife sees this as that. She wasnt saying go for it (atleast that one conversation), but didnt say stop either. Bull****, right! For most maybe, but some are not as direct, strong or whatever. I know right know I would never cheat, but what if my story was different and was being emotionally, perhaps physically abused! I found someone that cared for me and ended up sleeping with them which then led me to break the marriage off be bad....whats worse??? I do not usually say things like this to posters, but this sort of made me mad. You seem to be defending this cheating woman. She can't get out because of financial reasons and she is abused, either emotionally or physically, but yet she describes her orgasms and his in detail and with relish?? She is having a great old time and if she is that unhappy and there is really a back-story here that would call for her needing to leave, her response would be that she would feel safe and secure with the new guy, not YIPEE, I have a new sexual relationship! I know you are the one who is in a dilemma about your wife's friendship with her friend, but as someone who has been cheated on, I can tell you that from my perspective that when someone makes excuses for why they cheat, that is all they are...excuses. What ever happened to integrity, where people take responsibility for their personal actions? Talk to her soon and at the very least, she will know how you feel and you will not look back and say you should have at least told her how you feel and made some effort to stop the slide before it started. Good luck.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 So you think I'm aggressive----well maybe so Let me ask you something---do you have any idea of the % of mge's, where adultery has been reported----that %age is not pretty---do you have any idea how many mge's have unreported adultery----no one knows---but i am a betting person, and i am willing to bet that # is also pretty high---put the 2 together, and you have a lot of mge's that have been hit by adultery Many of those situations might have been prevented, and I say might have been----with some aggressive behavior on the part of the betrayed, who, like you in this situation, thought there might be something going on, but basically did very little/nothing at all Yes it is your wife, your life, and if you allow/condone her drinking in bars, that is up to you----all I am saying is a properly married woman does not need to be going out drinking---if she wants to go on GNO, there are many, many things they could do w/out going drinking in meat markets You are here cuz something is gnawing at you----it takes a lot to come here, and post, and you wouldn't be posting if something was not bothering you-----What you feel now, is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, to what you will feel, if your wife cheats on you----all I can say to you, is be hard, aggressive, and smart about this----I E---be safe rather than sorry, and If you end up sorry---you will be in misery for a long time!!!!!!!
PegNosePete Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) My wife and I have had conversations on the topic of faithfulness before Dude, that's the oldest trick in the book. My wife was really scathing about her boss's wife who he recently discovered had an affair. She called her all sorts of names and said she would never ever do that, and I did it I would be divorced in a heartbeat. A month later I found out about her affair. Discussions about infidelity mean NOTHING. About telling this guy...i've thought about it...but I dont know him enough...maybe he already knows, doesn't want to know. He deserves to know for sure hmmmmm...if he finds out it might not be all that anonymous How would you like it if it was your wife cheating, and her friend's husband knew, but didn't tell you because he didn't really know you very well? Expose it dude. Let your wife see that affairs might be short-term fun but they end in flames and tears. Edited August 18, 2011 by PegNosePete
Memphis Raines Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 am i crazy, should man up or what? Ideas??? no, you are not crazy. hanging out with a friend who is cheating, you don't think that if your wife happens to tell her that things could be better with you that this "friend" wouldn't condone her going out and having sex with some other guy? you better believe she would. And you know this cheater is telling your wife about how great everything is with her affair partner, sex, etc. I'd simply make known that you don't like her hanging out with this tramp, much less going out to a bar for drinks with her. Just let your feelings be known, without telling her what to do, and see what your wife's reaction is. If it is one of defensiveness, then there is your answer. Your wife is intrigued by her lifestyle and secretly wishes she was in this friend's shoes for a night or two.
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