Codying with Deceased Wife's Unfaithfulness

[edsharon]

My wife of 45 years died in October. I've moved to Utah to be with my daughter and have been sorting through my wife's belongings. In so doing, I have found love letters and journals she kept hidden from me from the very beginning of our marriage up a few years ago when she became very sick. I was aware of two men that she had sexual relations with early in our marriage. We worked through those and I felt she was sincere when she told me it was just physical, it was over, and she wanted to be with me. Now, all these years later I find she betrayed my trust many times and I don't know how to come to grips with it. I have talked with a grief counselor and shared with him what I have learned. He believes she was bi-polar and exhibited hypersexual tendences. She could be bitterly cruel to me, accusing me of mental and verbal abuse, and now I believe her periods of infidelity were associated with attempts on her part to drive me away with those emotional tyrates. We had four daughters together, and she had sex with two of their boyfriends. She made them to seek escape as soon as they completed high school. I too would have left had it not been for the two remaining daughters and my fear that she would turn them against me in my absence. My daughters knew much of what she was doing but she had programed them into thinking they would cause me to leave them if I ever found out, From the time they were little she had warned them "not to tell daddy about our secrets or he will be mad and leave us". Now she is gone, and my mind reels at the magnitude of her deceptions. I love her still, but shudder at the prospect that she will be held accountable for a lifetime of transgressions. I believe God will judge us all for our actions that we could control, not those that a mental weakness controlled us. I am at a loss to explain how she was a generous, talented person so much of the time, and bitter and spiteful to those around her. I am appaled at how easily decieved I was over those many years of marriage. Most of all, I fear that we will not be able to share Eternity together as husband and wife. I welcome any advice that might help me to better understand what happened to the woman I love.

[Nohbody]

Obviously, nothing I have to say will matter, but I will say that I am so sorry. I can't even begin to think how difficult this must be for you. Please feel welcome to post as much as you need to, and I wish you well.