Soltero Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hello, This to some may seem like the typical new marriage phase that people need to go through, but I think it's too early to have these issues, I'll summarize... Me and my wife have been married to 2 months!! And never lived with each other before. 2 months and what's happening is driving me up the wall. In short, we have virtually no sex life, and if it happens it's cuz I start it, and sometimes it's pity sex... I strongly feel that she isn't attracted to me and here is why... Early on in our relationship, sex wasn't frequent but I initiated it, in my nature I'm a sweet kind guy and well I feel she needs a macho alfa man. When frequency dropped, I mentioned it and she got very defensive saying agh is sex all you care about? Which makes me feel stupid. Frequency got less ( to te tone of 2-3 times a month) when I brought it up she said i don't approach her well and , sorry ro say this , but I don't get her wet by foreplay an heat her up. When I changed my approach, nothing happened. When I brought it up again she said that I don't chase enough, that she likes to play as if she doesn't want it and wants me to pursue that (which naturally I wouldn't since I take that as rejection) which baffled me... Frequency stagnated and I'm going out of my mind, every time we bring it up, there's a reason, after her period she don't get wet, hotel rooms don't inspire her, having things on her mind, you name it... An the bad thing is that many times she plays. and it seems to me that she wants to make sure she can turn me on and then stop which drives me mad and frustrates me. Today we talked Bout it, she had same defensive reaction and "you only care about sex" lecture, then as things escalated, she slammed me with "she had a great sec life with her ex an the sex was plenty and great". Now as a man this took a hit to my ego but I want to look beyond the obvious! What on earth is going on??? Is she at all attracted to me? Is my marriage doomed as I won't go for a roommate arrangement here. Would really appreciate some feedback as I don't want to be unfair to her and I want to know is this normal and is there a way to solve this? Many thanks .
musemaj11 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Why do you think she married you? Do you have a lot of money compared to her?
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Just my two cents... It's good that she's attempting to communicate with you (albeit, probably not in as delicate of a way that's necessary but...) It's probably that she's just not that into what you're about... i.e, perhaps she wants to feel extremely desirable and in control, the one with the power and the dominance yet, she wants to be pursued and overpowered at the same time. You taking her way of getting turned on as rejection is just probably a killer for the both of you. She may have sensed your change of approach as sketchy, not real and raw... hmm, regardless, it could be so many other things. I don't know if your marriage is doomed but, it may do you both well to have a few more talks about both of your sexual frustrations. If anything, let her know you just want to figure a solution out for you both to be satisfied --- that it's NOT just about "sex" but what "sex" encompasses (a mutual exchange of emotions, affection, desire, love, intoxication, passion, delight).
Woggle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Since this is happening at only two months maybe it is time to get out. If she sees that she doesn't have you trapped then maybe she might just change her tune.
Author Soltero Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Situation has gone more drastic. I tried talking about it and well, same thing happened, "you just care about sex, etc..." and then some more, things got heated up and she started packing which I told her I'm not stopping her, then more hurtful things, shouting , and last, she admitted that she has lost respect for me, criticized my work even "which I'm doing very well and which is our provider" to a point that made me feel she thinks I have no balls. So now I'm in a ditch, I do want to work this but it's impossible, then she hit me with the "I think I'm pregnant" which complicated things even more and made me wish I walked out earlier since I feel entrapped!!! It's either I live with a woman who treats me like crap, thinks I have no balls, and when it comes to this I think it's irreversible... Or I will have to take my chances and walk out and if she is truly pregnant then I will have a baby who will be torn apart since birth for no fault of his/hers... She suggested I "stay out of her face" and give her some space which I give already. I think the problem is I was too nice and kind to her, I tended to every need of hers, done everything to make her happy and yet this is what I get. I guess it's true that women are attracted to *******s and every woman wants a man with a bit of a jerk in them??? I'm confused and I feel so down and with low self esteem and confused and worthless...
TigerCub Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Situation has gone more drastic. I tried talking about it and well, same thing happened, "you just care about sex, etc..." and then some more, things got heated up and she started packing which I told her I'm not stopping her, then more hurtful things, shouting , and last, she admitted that she has lost respect for me, criticized my work even "which I'm doing very well and which is our provider" to a point that made me feel she thinks I have no balls. So now I'm in a ditch, I do want to work this but it's impossible, then she hit me with the "I think I'm pregnant" which complicated things even more and made me wish I walked out earlier since I feel entrapped!!! To which you should have responded "Wow! Congrats!! Who's the father?, you sure as hell haven't been f**king me!!" It's either I live with a woman who treats me like crap, thinks I have no balls, and when it comes to this I think it's irreversible... Or I will have to take my chances and walk out and if she is truly pregnant then I will have a baby who will be torn apart since birth for no fault of his/hers... She suggested I "stay out of her face" and give her some space which I give already. I think the problem is I was too nice and kind to her, I tended to every need of hers, done everything to make her happy and yet this is what I get. I guess it's true that women are attracted to *******s and every woman wants a man with a bit of a jerk in them??? I'm confused and I feel so down and with low self esteem and confused and worthless... This woman is breaking you down! I'm not sure exactly what it is you do for a living, but did you not do it before you 2 got married? Did she not have a problem with it then? I'm sorry to say this, but you are acting like you got no balls - you let her reject you, break you down, hurt you emotionally and still you chase after her. The best thing you did was say that you weren't gonna stop her when she did her little packin the bags bit My advice: - Don't have sex with her, because she seems like the type to have a kid just to trap a person. Or at least wear a condom, until you know what you want to do with this M. - If she is pregnant, get a paternity test. - If she's not willing to really talk to you respectfully about your issues, or maybe even consider counseling, don't stay. Hopefully she's not pregnant and if you need to cut your loses and move on, it would be less messy. Another question: how was the sex life before marriage?
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My advice: - If she is pregnant, get a paternity test. - If she's not willing to really talk to you respectfully about your issues, or maybe even consider counseling, don't stay. Hopefully she's not pregnant and if you need to cut your loses and move on, it would be less messy. Agree with all that... and if I may ask, how long did you know one another before you married and how old are you two? It sounds like quite a sticky situation... but if you're unable to find out what's going on for certain... I don't think you should spend years trying to and being drained from it. Marriage, while it has its rough patches and requires work, should ultimately be a supportive relationship.
Author Soltero Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) Thanks again For the replies. To shed some light, I am doing extremely well in my work, I manage a huge team and let's say financially I am very successful. The thing about work i don't understand where did it come from as I'm the only provider. I pay for her tuition which she weren't able to afford without a loan and she had a life long dream to finish her degree, I paid fully for her dream wedding etc... We are in our mid thirties and we been together for 2 year before we got married. Never lived with each other though. We did have sex, it isn't like we never had. But she once said that she feels no lust in my eyes, I don't just take her in a confident way etc... She lived in Spain so I guess the macho thing, eventhough she denies it, it is what she wants. Instead I let her talk to me the way she wants, walk over me, treat me as she wants an yeah I act as I have no balls, truth be said. So I don't have them doubts about cheating, and I don't want to go there, that's I there is a baby. I have decided to be different, to be how I always been and not so soft and mush, and not a crazy monkey either. I will be calm and if he snaps like she is now, I smile and walk away. This will go until the time for finding out if she is pregnant. If she isn't and she don't straighten out then off she goes, cut my losses and so on. If a guy ha misery at home, naturally I would avoid home and I would divorce before a slight possibility of me cheating would be close even. I she is pregnant then it's counseling, and well to be honest i dont know what to do... Today for example, after the fight an the I'm leaving thing, she is cold and short and still disrespectful, I say I would like us to work on this and have a normal life and she gives me the I don't wanna hear this all night blah blah blah.... Siiiiigh Edited August 17, 2011 by Soltero
Lovelybird Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) Then why did she marry you in the first place? Hoping a sweet sheep will turn into a alpha wolf after the wedding ceremony? and her female organ is charming and powerful enough to make the change happen? Edited August 17, 2011 by Lovelybird
TigerCub Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hey Soltero, I think you're on the right track with regards to what to do with your wife. as for her comment about taking her in a confident way. I have to admit, I do understand what she's saying. Sometimes its really nice to make love to someone and really connect, but other times, its awesome to have the rough, smack the a$$, pull the hair, f**k me hard kinda sex. Maybe that's what she was referring to., Its nice to have a confident take charge kinda guy, and I personally don't think its just alpha males that do that - just guys with confidence. She's told you what she like sexually, she wants passion, but are you doing things to meet her needs that way? ** btw, this is a question, I'm not in any way condoning what she's doing, bitching, treating you badly, not putting out, criticizing you - all that is wrong, its just a little insight about what she may mean with regards to her sex request.
Woggle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 See what the results are and if it comes back negative tell her get the hell out. It's too soon for her to be pulling this crap.
Lovelybird Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Either you are a guy who doesn't have backbone and she cannot respect that, or she loves being treated badly. If it is the former, you can still work on it, the latter no.
allina Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 - Don't have sex with her, because she seems like the type to have a kid just to trap a person. Or at least wear a condom, until you know what you want to do with this M. - If she is pregnant, get a paternity test. - If she's not willing to really talk to you respectfully about your issues, or maybe even consider counseling, don't stay. Hopefully she's not pregnant and if you need to cut your loses and move on, it would be less messy. Sorry OP but I have to strongly agree with this. Nothing about her actions suggests that she loves you or cares about the marriage. It's time to protect yourself.
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