BiCoastalLove Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I am having a very hard time with my 2 week old LDR. I have been in a relationship with a woman who I believe to be my soul mate/love of my life for 3 months. I moved across the country for graduate school and she has priorities for one more year back home until she can move out here. I am having a very hard time with the amount of communication (all throughout the day) and it is hard to talk a lot to her because I miss her so much. Any advice for a newbie?
madjac74 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I am having a very hard time with the amount of communication (all throughout the day) and it is hard to talk a lot to her because I miss her so much. Any advice for a newbie? This part seems really odd to me because usually when you miss someone you want to hear from them every second of the day if possible. But I would suggest you invest more than 3 months in the relationship to make sure its just not an infatuation. Besides that you are one up on most LDR's as you have a set end to the long distance (1 year) but there is always the possibility that will change. Are you prepared for the fact that it could be more than a year?
Author BiCoastalLove Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 The reason that I said it was hard to communicate all day long is that I feel that my life is here now and I am busy. I do not always have time to talk on the phone or skype all throughout the day. I am not sure as to what I would do after a year, I probably would end it or move to where she is. I am here for school and after that I can get a job anywhere.
Kamille Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 This part seems really odd to me because usually when you miss someone you want to hear from them every second of the day if possible. I think it depends on the couples. I couldn't do continuous communication throughout the day. Yet, we're definitely madly in love. Bf and I contact each other about once or twice a day, whether it be a phone call or an exchange of texts, or email. Personally, I don't know what I would have to text to boyfriend throughout the day. "Am eating chicken", "Inside joke", "Off to the gym now". Plus, any budding relationship needs mystery. Texting throughout the day within 3 months is inviting a lot of intimacy in your life. BCL, did you two talk about expectations for the year ahead: How often you would communicate, using what means? When do you get to see each other again? (I would recommend having this conversation during a visit). And what do you mean when you say it's hard to talk to her because you miss her so much? Talking to her makes you miss her more? Distracts you from your settling down in your life?
Author BiCoastalLove Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Yes, we are very intimate about a lot of things. We did discuss communication through all forms, mail, text, phone call, skype facebook,email. Part of me feels blessed to have all of these forms of communication. Personally I am very technologically savvy, but I also am very convicted on building personal authentic relationships of any kind in person. I don't like to have the TV on when talking to someone or computer or phones when hanging out with people as I feel that there are real life people to interact at with and value that deeply. Obviously I am forced to communicate electronically with her for a while as we both finish up school on different sides of the country. Yes, talking to her more seems to make me miss her more and it is hard to settle in here. But not talking to her much is also hard. We are trying to find a balance. Yes, we have planned for her to fly here at the end of this month and then for Thanksgiving. I will be going home to family and her for Christmas. The ideal goal is for her to move in January to be with me but she has to get an internship here or back home for the spring, so it all depends on that at the moment. Otherwise it will be next May before either one of us can move.
Kamille Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yes, we have planned for her to fly here at the end of this month and then for Thanksgiving. I will be going home to family and her for Christmas. The ideal goal is for her to move in January to be with me but she has to get an internship here or back home for the spring, so it all depends on that at the moment. Fingers crossed for you both! I find missing him comes in waves. I have moments when it's unbearable and others when it's just part of my routine. The first few months are the toughest, but it remains tough throughout.
madjac74 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I think it depends on the couples. I couldn't do continuous communication throughout the day. Yet, we're definitely madly in love. Bf and I contact each other about once or twice a day, whether it be a phone call or an exchange of texts, or email. Personally, I don't know what I would have to text to boyfriend throughout the day. "Am eating chicken", "Inside joke", "Off to the gym now". Haha! I understand your point and of course it depends on the couple and what they are comfortable with and what they expect from each other. At times our texts can be as silly as your examples... For example sometimes she will send me a random text like "I like cheese" of course I already know this about her but it's just her way of saying she misses me and it makes me smile. Other times we can have an entire conversation via text that lasts all day. It amazes me what we can have a conversation about... One day we had an in depth convo on the smurfs and one day we created our own religion. I've never had such a strong, open communication with someone and I think I might get bicoastal's point where it just makes you want to be with them that much more!
Author BiCoastalLove Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I agree with you MadJac. The silly random things that keep constant communication are what makes us seem so much more intimate at times than if we were able to see each other and have face to face convo's. Thank you guys for the support. I am feeling better today. And as I am slowly learning, some days are better than others. For me right now it seems painfully slow and boring as my classes haven't started yet..
creighton0123 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I am having a very hard time with my 2 week old LDR. I have been in a relationship with a woman who I believe to be my soul mate/love of my life for 3 months. I moved across the country for graduate school and she has priorities for one more year back home until she can move out here. I am having a very hard time with the amount of communication (all throughout the day) and it is hard to talk a lot to her because I miss her so much. Any advice for a newbie? In my opinion, having 3 months left in a 13 month long LDR, despite the distance it is vitally important that you communicate only as much as you would if the two of you are in person. Too much communication can kill an LDR as much as too little communication. One thing I enjoy doing that you might be able to emulate is a skype video chat. At night when you're both home, you can open a video chat and just... leave it open. You can communicate when you want, mute yourself when you're not talking. It kind of simulates having a shared living space. I find it vitally important to keep text based communication minimal as it can make the relationship itself seem artificial and is much more prone to miscommunication.
Author BiCoastalLove Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 thanks all. I do not like SKype video because, at the moment, it makes me miss her more. WE have come to a fight. About trust and fears within each other and relationship. I am in an new place and am having a hard time connecting with new people, while she continues to say ' you need other outlets' which is true. I journal, cycle, hike, run, cook, read.. all the things I know how to cope with stress but none of it seems to help. Do you guys have any suggestions?
muse08 Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 (edited) One thing I suggest is for you to just "calm down"...seriously, relax a little. I'm not even being funny. Try not to condition yourself to relate this relationship to stress. In order to do that maybe try to not force things that dont feel natural. Though if you really care for her, don't try to escape the feeling of missing her by avoiding your communication that you do have. Imagine how you'd feel without being able to communicate with her at all. Edited August 21, 2011 by muse08
Author BiCoastalLove Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 So, I am trying very hard not to make a big deal out of this but I am having a very hard time. ok. the situation. When I started seeing my gf 3.5 months ago she was going through a break up with someone who had led her on for 6 months or so. It was ugly and I strongly dislike the way the other girl treated my gf. My gf and that girl still talk once a week or so trying to fix their 'friendship'. My gf says it is not to hurt me and she values their friendship. I personally disagree on how could she be such friends with someone who treated her like **** after stringing her along for months. Another issue is she keeps and brought with her a pillow that was given as a gift from this girl for her birthday back in February. The thing that slightly upsets me now is the relationship I see unfolding on facebook. They are commenting on each others pages and such. I dont want to be the crazy insecure one and freak out about stuff on facebook...but both the ldr and the relationship are still new. What do you guys think?
Kamille Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 In reviewing your past few posts on this thread, I have to wonder one thing... I get that being in contact with her makes you miss her more, but how does she feel about it? Is the level and type of contact sufficient for her? She sounds like someone who likes constant interaction, someone who is "connected", whether through Facebook or text or whatever. Could the ex be in the picture because she feels lonely, not connected enough, in your R? Regardless, LDRs do require a certain degree of blind trust. I've certainly struggled with it at times (facebook certainly doesn't help), but every time I bring it up to bf, he helps me feel reassured. So, I guess, what does she say? Another thing: You say you don't like skype and you don't like constant contact because it makes you miss her. In a way, I think that's unfair. You moved away, you're, to some extent, the reason this relationship is LD, so the onus is kind of on you to accept the situation for what it is. I can't imagine how bf would have felt if I had asked for less contact because Skyping/contacting him was too hard. (Likely shock and disbelief). Yup, you're in a long-distance relationship, and that means that you will miss each other. That also means that you need to find alternative ways of building intimacy. I don't see how you can do that without all the means of communication at our disposal today. So I get back to: does the current level of contact work for her? What would she like?
Author BiCoastalLove Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 We talk constantly. I agree.. i am the one who moved. but when we started hanging out we both knew i was already moving and thought it would just be for the summer. It grew into something amazing. But now I am not as happy as she is in the relationship. After speaking with her last night she still has feelings for the ex. But she claims it is different than her feelings for me. She is on her way to visit for the weekend. So I dont know what to do. I cant not talk about it but dont want to ruin the weekend.
Kamille Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I certainly hope I'm not the one who made you feel belittled. That wasn't my intention. I was trying, in an unhelpful way, to get past the hump of feeling the LDR is hard, difficult, etc. I'm sorry she still has feelings for the ex. I don't think this is fair to you at all. I think you should set a specific time and amount of time you will dedicate to discuss the topic while she is visiting. Like set one hour, during the second day, to discuss it, and stick to that hour and no more.
harisadu43 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hi Guys, Welcome to the blog of Craig Holme. We are using the power of the internet to really make a difference, check us out today. Thank You Craig Holme
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