This is not the person I married.

[dreamingoftigers]

Little conflict-buds??? Rather a total lack of respect and care for her.

 

Olive, these books won't do anything for you. Your husband lacks the basic manners and empathy to be married.

The only thing that will help is if you stop allowing this behaviour. Then he might clean up his act for a while until he feels "safe" again.

 

All these selfhelp books only make you doubt yourself and do more effort while you are already doing the bulk of the work in the marriage.

 

Mirror his behaviour, act as if you are single. No more letting his dog out, only yours. Don't know how much of the household chores you do but wouldn't surprise me if you do a lot. From now on you only do your own.

 

Wow, pretty black and white there. Always judge books by their genre?

 

This sounds like a perfect way for this wife to show her husband that if he can be selfish, that she can be selfish right back.

 

That doesn't tend to solve disagreements, there's a big gulf between being a doormat, being healthy, and just being someone that does the stepping on someone.

 

Turning this into a power-struggle or an insta-divorce isn't going to solve anything.

[KathyM]

I've been with my husband for almost 4 yrs, married for one ~ I can sum up our marriage thus far by saying that this is not what I signed up for, and I am pretty unhappy. I don't want to divorce, and my husband doesn't think any of our problems are reason enough to go to counseling (we did do pre-marital counseling, as it was required).

 

I know that everyone jokes about that saying "men marry women thinking they won't change and women marry men hoping they will change", but I feel like our situation is just the opposite. The person I am married to is NOT the person I dated and agreed to marry.

 

This morning I got up when it was still dark outside, waaay before I needed to be up, in order to do something nice for my husband, so that he could have a completely peaceful, responsibility-free, stress-free morning, and have a couple hours to himself before going to work.

 

Throughout the day he never called or texted or ANYTHING to say thank you (but texted about other non-related things), which kind of annoyed me, and made me wonder why I even bothered, since he clearly didn't appreciate what I did.

 

When I got home, there was clear evidence (that I had to clean up) that he spent the morning jerking off (sorry to be crude). This REALLY upset me. I'm not so much bothered by the fact that he was looking at porn, or that he jerked off. I'm bothered because his morning activities just completely highlight how selfish I he is (in my mind), ever since we got married. He obviously had a great, relaxing morning, all because of me, and he couldn't even be bothered to thank me or show some appreciation, and as an added bonus, I got to clean up after him.

 

I know that this seems silly, but this is sort of like the last straw. I have been feeling taken for granted, and have been unhappy for awhile now, for several reasons. Sorry if this sounds whiny, I'm just so upset and at the end of my rope. We have other issues that we've been fighting over that are really pretty major (like that since we got married he goes out every single Saturday night with his single friends, as though he were still single), but this is the thing that finally brought me to tears. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't listen, and nothing changes.

How is it possible that you've dated a guy for 3 years before marrying, and even went to couple's counseling beforehand, and none of these signs ever appeared before? Either there were signs of his irresponsibility and lack of consideration before the marriage, and you just didn't see them or ignored them, or he put on a good act for 3 years, and once you tied the knot, he let his real self surface. If the former is true, then you have your work cut out for you, sorry to say. It's very hard to change someone. If the latter is true, then I feel sorry for you for having been duped by the guy. In any case, don't get into the role of being the momma to this irresponsible momma's boy, who expects you to do everything and he does minimal work. Marriage is supposed to be an equal relationship and equal partnership with both partners contributing. Don't get in the habit of cleaning up after him. He'll take advantage of that, and you'll find yourself doing the lion's share of the work, and feeling resentment about it. Don't get into the habit of nagging either. That normally doesn't work, and just builds resentment. I would suggest having a "business meeting" with him, where you equitably come up with a division of labor that makes sense, and then write down what each person is responsible for. It helps to see it on paper, and then keep it posted somewhere visible, like on the refrigerator. I've had to do that with my husband and kids. It cuts down on the nagging and makes it clear who is responsible for what. You also need to set some boundaries with him. He should not be going out every Saturday night with the guys while you sit at home alone. He's not single anymore. If he wanted that lifestyle, he should not have gotten married. You are a couple now. You should be spending most of your time together building the marriage and bonding. That's not to say he can't go out with the guys once in a while, or if he has a hobby that involves the guys, like a sport, that's understandable. But if he's going to some bar with the guys, that's not really something a married man should be doing. He should be scheduling a large portion of his free time doing things with you.

 

So I would suggest two things: make a written plan with him for division of labor, and make sure it is equitable. Don't become his mother that picks up after him and does everything for him. (2) Set some boundaries that coincide with what a married man should be doing. If he doesn't make a reasonable effort to comply, then see a marriage counselor, or go to see a pastor (I am assuming the church is where you got the pre-marital counseling). Don't let it go, or it will build resentment, and you'll find yourself wanting out. You have to work on a marriage, and now that you made the choice to marry him, for better or for worse, you have to do what it takes to get it to work. Don't bail out after one year of marriage. That would be ridiculous. Obviously, he has qualities that made you want to marry him. Focus on those, and then work on the other things.

[Olive42]

 

So what would happen if you told him that on Saturday night when he had planned to go out with the guys, that you had something else planned for the two of you to do together?

Something to try - my suspicious is that the guys would win (or at the very least there would be a bit of resentment and guilt-tripping that he was spending time with me and not them). Whenever he wants to do something with the guys that is acceptable to me (baseball games, BBQs, a "guys night" with the married guys, etc.) he without fail asks me first if we have plans, or if I need him at home for anything at that time/date. It's just when he goes out to get drunk with his single friends on Saturday night that he informs me at 9pm that he's going to go get ready, and that's the first I hear about it. Of course, now I expect it.

 

In my mind, this is how the Saturday night thing has gotten to where it is:

 

I think everything is fine; I'm pretty happy in general, and he seems happy.

 

Out of nowhere he starts saying things like "Jason (who is single, but I like and feel respects me and our marriage) has been wanting to hang out, but I know you'd be mad so I haven't asked you" and "Jason's been trying to get me to go out with him, but I was afraid to ask you if I could go", and other similar comments that seem to be aimed at constructing a situation in which he is deprived of his friends' company because I won't allow it, and trying to guilt-trip me, even though I had never before told him he couldn't do something, and had never once heard of him wanting to go out with Jason.

 

He goes out with Jason a few times in a short period of time; once I was invited (by Jason), and declined. I thought it was a little odd that he's going out just the two of them all of a sudden, but my husband was still checking with me about plans before making any with Jason.

 

Then one night my husband tells me that he is going out with another single friend of his (who is bad news; and a bad person), I'll just call him Steve. My husband has to go out with Steve because he has not seen Steve since Steve got out of jail (see?) and moved to our area. I was not happy, but didn't say anything. My husband stumbled home that night completely smashed (I have seen him drunk before, but never even close to like this). He was so wasted that he woke up choking several times over the course of the night, and ended up throwing up (which he has never in his life done). I was livid.

 

I spoke to another woman we are friends with, who is married to a friend of my husband's and Steve's. She also hates Steve, for many reasons, and hates her husband hanging out with Steve, for the exact same reason I have a problem with it: Our husbands are not their best selves when they are around him. They revert to 22 year old boys who can't stand up to peer pressure.

 

Ever since this happened, my husband spends every Saturday night getting more wasted than I have ever seen him, and stumbling home after the bars close with Steve and some of Steve's single friends that I don't know. The only compromise, if it can even be called that, is that my husband agreed that he wouldn't do shots anymore. When my husband used to go out once in awhile with other guys, he was always home by the same time (which I think is reasonable for a married adult who is rapidly approaching middle age); now he closes the bars.

 

Sorry for the huge mass of text. I guess I just feel like I have so many things to get off my chest. I'm so frustrated by all this (and more).

 

I think the going out thing is what I find to be the most immediately concerning though.