This is not the person I married.

[Olive42]

I've been with my husband for almost 4 yrs, married for one ~ I can sum up our marriage thus far by saying that this is not what I signed up for, and I am pretty unhappy. I don't want to divorce, and my husband doesn't think any of our problems are reason enough to go to counseling (we did do pre-marital counseling, as it was required).

 

I know that everyone jokes about that saying "men marry women thinking they won't change and women marry men hoping they will change", but I feel like our situation is just the opposite. The person I am married to is NOT the person I dated and agreed to marry.

 

This morning I got up when it was still dark outside, waaay before I needed to be up, in order to do something nice for my husband, so that he could have a completely peaceful, responsibility-free, stress-free morning, and have a couple hours to himself before going to work.

 

Throughout the day he never called or texted or ANYTHING to say thank you (but texted about other non-related things), which kind of annoyed me, and made me wonder why I even bothered, since he clearly didn't appreciate what I did.

 

When I got home, there was clear evidence (that I had to clean up) that he spent the morning jerking off (sorry to be crude). This REALLY upset me. I'm not so much bothered by the fact that he was looking at porn, or that he jerked off. I'm bothered because his morning activities just completely highlight how selfish I he is (in my mind), ever since we got married. He obviously had a great, relaxing morning, all because of me, and he couldn't even be bothered to thank me or show some appreciation, and as an added bonus, I got to clean up after him.

 

I know that this seems silly, but this is sort of like the last straw. I have been feeling taken for granted, and have been unhappy for awhile now, for several reasons. Sorry if this sounds whiny, I'm just so upset and at the end of my rope. We have other issues that we've been fighting over that are really pretty major (like that since we got married he goes out every single Saturday night with his single friends, as though he were still single), but this is the thing that finally brought me to tears. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't listen, and nothing changes.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Olive42

[TBH]

personally i dont think anybody needs to justify why they are unhappy in order to validate their feeling of wanting to leave.

 

if you are so unhappy then leave. sometimes people end up so unhappy even when their partner is lovely.

 

people change and IMO life's too short.

 

maybe if you tell him you want to split he might get his act together. he's being complacent and you feel unappreciated. take a stand

 

plus having to pick up his jiz tissues really takes the p*ss

[Olive42]

 

plus having to pick up his jiz tissues really takes the p*ss

 

Thank you! Really, that is like a slap in the face.

[OnyxSnowfall]

It doesn't sound silly at all (to me, at least).

 

I would suggest trying to converse with him in a "you have to listen to me" way and trying to get him to open up to you... sharing your thoughts and feelings with him BEFORE you throw in the towel/commit your life to being unhappily married. Sometimes people just need to be "intangibly" smacked in the face. If you're not communicating with him in a manner that shows him you're serious then, chances are he's oblivious and yes, he's taking advantage of you. But if you SHOW him what he's doing... as sternly and gently as you can muster, he may very well be remorseful and begin to put directed effort into appreciating you.

 

IF you've already attempted to convey things to him in such a way and figuring out wth is going on with him then well...

 

I would suggest ... moving on... maybe he needs to see the "reality" of it... if you love him, it may be worth investing all the time and effort into getting things to work but... if you don't think you love him... it isn't worth being taken for granted for... I may be biased, I don't think people should settle just because they commit to someone who isn't WILLING to have an "actual relationship" with another person...

Edited August 17, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Woman In Blue]

Ewww, what a charmer. Glad you made his morning easier so he could sit in front of the computer and act like a friggen moron leaving his mess all around. How charming.

 

I'd be ditching his ass pretty fast too. It's quite obvious he still thinks he's single but now has a mommy to clean up after his pitiful ass. What a loser.

[mitchell]

What did you "do" for him early this morning that made his day so much easier? For whatever reason, it did not resonate with him. Perhaps if you woke up extra early and took care of him sexually, today's mess would have been avoided.

 

Clear the air with some communication. Does he even realize how dismayed you are by his activities?

[worldover98]

Watching porn isn't the same as jerking off in the shower. Men who consistently watch porn absent of their partner are selfish, lazy and immature. That's illustrated perfectly in your OP. He'd rather get instant gratification without expending any energy. He can get off without having to interact with someone, without having to give anything. This speaks to his character. It's not something that happens overnight, or instantly when vows are spoken. There were clues, and you either missed or ignored them.

 

.

 

Jthorne, are you not a bit overly presumptuous about men who masturbate to porn? if you're a man, obviously you've never got off on porn before 'cause you sure ain't selfish, lazy, or immature! Right? I'm not speaking of your character....

 

Olive42, maybe try leaving those moist tissues under hubby's pillow or in a place where he realizes that you put them there. And this may sound strange, but what if you were to let him catch you masturbating? Might turn him on? Sorry if it's too far out, but it could work...

[xxoo]

We have other issues that we've been fighting over that are really pretty major (like that since we got married he goes out every single Saturday night with his single friends, as though he were still single),

 

This is an example of something you expected to change once he married.

 

Be honest with yourself. Did you expect him to change his behaviors in his transition from "single" to "married"?

[OnyxSnowfall]

Um...

 

not the same thing but... for instance, like having a baby... when circumstances change, um... "some" changes are to be expected. There are optimal ways to behave and then there are poor ways to behave. Sometimes we can't predict how someone will respond... even how we will respond.

 

"Married" itself implies a change. It just does. It doesn't imply a person's personality changing, per se, that tends to be an affect of it... regardless, BEHAVIOR, is PROMISED to be a certain way.

 

At the very least, mutual consideration should be important and from there compromises can be sought. Why marry someone if you're just going to think about yourself anyway?

Edited August 17, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[John Michael Kane]

So you mean to tell us that you didn't know he watched porn before you got married? You didn't know he was "messy"? You didn't know he liked going out with his single-guy friends? He didn't do any of this stuff before you got married?

 

I agree with you that people often get married hoping their partner will change, and that's not going to happen. I also think that people (unless they are sociopaths) show you who they are in the dating process. I have a hard time believing that in 4 years of dating, you did not observe this behavior. I think if you look back, the red flags were there. You either didn't see them, or you ignored them.

 

That being said, you have an uphill battle. Watching porn isn't the same as jerking off in the shower. Men who consistently watch porn absent of their partner are selfish, lazy and immature. That's illustrated perfectly in your OP. He'd rather get instant gratification without expending any energy. He can get off without having to interact with someone, without having to give anything. This speaks to his character. It's not something that happens overnight, or instantly when vows are spoken. There were clues, and you either missed or ignored them.

 

There is very little chance that the behavior will change, especially when he doesn't see anything wrong with it in the first place. So either decide you can live with it, or you can't. But please don't bring any babies into the marriage until you decide.

 

Oh wow, so men who jack off are selfish creatures.

 

Original poster, sorry for your pain.

[xxoo]

Um...

 

not the same thing but... for instance, like having a baby... when circumstances change, um... "some" changes are to be expected. There are optimal ways to behave and then there are poor ways to behave. Sometimes we can't predict how someone will respond... even how we will respond.

 

"Married" itself implies a change. It just does. It doesn't imply a person's personality changing, per se, that tends to be an affect of it... regardless, BEHAVIOR, is PROMISED to be a certain way.

 

At the very least, mutual consideration should be important and from there compromises can be sought. Why marry someone if you're just going to think about yourself anyway?

 

Having a baby does require change, yes.

 

But having a wedding does not.

 

If the man you are engaged to goes out every Sat night with 'the guys' instead of spending that time with you.....guess what? That's who he is!

 

After all, if a guy doesn't want to spend his weekend evenings with you during the hot and heavy dating days, it doesn't seem reasonable to me that he'll want to stay home with you after marriage.

 

Some couples are very happy spending Saturday nights out with friends, rather than each other....but that sort of stuff doesn't tend to change with a wedding.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

That being said, you have an uphill battle. Watching porn isn't the same as jerking off in the shower. Men who consistently watch porn absent of their partner are selfish, lazy and immature. That's illustrated perfectly in your OP. He'd rather get instant gratification without expending any energy. He can get off without having to interact with someone, without having to give anything. This speaks to his character.

 

Oh jeez, you are gonna get it now.

 

sorry jthorne, I hope it dies down quick.

[Olive42]

jthorne, I don't care if he looks at porn sometimes (didn't I say that in my post?). I'm not sure why you think he is "messy" based on one instance of me having to clean up his yucky mess. I never said he was messy or a slob. I gave one specific example of something that happened. And of course he went out with guy friends when we were dating. The difference (which I'm not sure why I'm explaining to you, since you have decided that I'm lying in my post) is that I used to be invited, or he was going out with a group of guys (single and married/in relationships) ONCE IN AWHILE. The last few months it is every single Saturday (and sometimes twice a week), with only single friends, and I am never invited. We have an active and satisfying sex life; we both occasionally get the job done ourselves when the other is not around, neither of us keeps that a secret, and that by itself is not the problem.

 

So you mean to tell us that you didn't know he watched porn before you got married? You didn't know he was "messy"? You didn't know he liked going out with his single-guy friends? He didn't do any of this stuff before you got married?

 

I agree with you that people often get married hoping their partner will change, and that's not going to happen. I also think that people (unless they are sociopaths) show you who they are in the dating process. I have a hard time believing that in 4 years of dating, you did not observe this behavior. I think if you look back, the red flags were there. You either didn't see them, or you ignored them.

 

That being said, you have an uphill battle. Watching porn isn't the same as jerking off in the shower. Men who consistently watch porn absent of their partner are selfish, lazy and immature. That's illustrated perfectly in your OP. He'd rather get instant gratification without expending any energy. He can get off without having to interact with someone, without having to give anything. This speaks to his character. It's not something that happens overnight, or instantly when vows are spoken. There were clues, and you either missed or ignored them.

 

There is very little chance that the behavior will change, especially when he doesn't see anything wrong with it in the first place. So either decide you can live with it, or you can't. But please don't bring any babies into the marriage until you decide.

[Olive42]

My apologies if I misread the porn issue. However, you also said in your OP that his immaturity and selfishness has become a problem for you.

 

I didn't call you a liar, I simply said that there were red flags during the dating period that you either missed or ignored.

 

Just my opinion, take it or leave it.

 

Sorry, I tried to edit after reading all the other posts after yours. Apparently everyone took what I wrote that way, so I just didn't communicated the issue clearly. I was a little emotional when I wrote that post.

 

I really do feel like he pulled a bait and switch.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am a little confused, what exactly is the behaviour that is bugging you?

[OnyxSnowfall]

xxoo --- if that's the only thing he was doing, and he was otherwise considerate and the like... I doubt the OP would be upset. It's just one of several things that culminate BECAUSE of selfishness.

[Olive42]

What did you "do" for him early this morning that made his day so much easier? For whatever reason, it did not resonate with him. Perhaps if you woke up extra early and took care of him sexually, today's mess would have been avoided.

 

Clear the air with some communication. Does he even realize how dismayed you are by his activities?

 

We each brought a very large, very energetic dog into the marriage. He likes his dog to sleep on the bed at night, therefore both dogs sleep in our room, and wake us up early in the morning playing with each other and running around.

 

He has been complaining nonstop for weeks about how sick he is of waking up to that, and of having to feed/walk them in the morning, and of all their energy that just never ends.

 

So I got up before sunrise (so I could do this and still get to a meeting on time), got ready for work in the dark, fed the dogs, and dropped them off at daycare, so that he could have the responsibility-free, quiet morning he's been dying for.

 

I did tell him that I felt pretty bad about going out of my way to do something extra nice for him, and he didn't even say thank you. His response was obnoxious: evidently one does not need to say thank you every time someone does something for you.

 

He also knows how I feel about his going out with the single guys every weekend. What started out as attempting to have a conversation about it has turned into us making digs at each other, or outright fighting over this issue. I know that the more unhappy I become the more I become someone that he doesn't want to spend time with, but I honestly think that his going out weekly started first, and I reacted to it.

[Olive42]

I am a little confused, what exactly is the behaviour that is bugging you?

 

Overall, feeling unappreciated and taken for granted.

[dreamingoftigers]

Two books for you:

 

Why Mars and Venus Collide

 

And How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

 

You can see the little conflict-buds growing and it'll only get worse until you learn to manage conflict and through that teach him too.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Isn't that what the H is doing right now? Thinking only of himself and blowing off his wife's concerns?

 

She married a little boy who wanted a nurse maid not a wife.

 

Yes. I was directing the selfish bit at the OP's husband.

[dreamingoftigers]

Overall, feeling unappreciated and taken for granted.

 

Honestly, most guys don't understand how this works at all and trying to explain it to him you will probably need a Master's Degree.

 

I swear, that second book is worth more then Tom Cruise is to Scientology.

[Olive42]

Honestly, most guys don't understand how this works at all and trying to explain it to him you will probably need a Master's Degree.

 

I swear, that second book is worth more then Tom Cruise is to Scientology.

 

Solid advice, I am ordering them right now

[PinkInTheLimo]

I am a little confused, what exactly is the behaviour that is bugging you?

 

Well, she says it in her opening post, doesn't she?

He goes out every Saturday with his single friends and does not invite her, and when he has jerked off, he does not even have the decency to clean up after him.

 

Maybe your standards have totally lowered after your own experiences but in my book, these two things are already enough to divorce the guy...

[PinkInTheLimo]

Two books for you:

 

Why Mars and Venus Collide

 

And How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

 

You can see the little conflict-buds growing and it'll only get worse until you learn to manage conflict and through that teach him too.

 

Little conflict-buds??? Rather a total lack of respect and care for her.

 

Olive, these books won't do anything for you. Your husband lacks the basic manners and empathy to be married.

The only thing that will help is if you stop allowing this behaviour. Then he might clean up his act for a while until he feels "safe" again.

 

All these selfhelp books only make you doubt yourself and do more effort while you are already doing the bulk of the work in the marriage.

 

Mirror his behaviour, act as if you are single. No more letting his dog out, only yours. Don't know how much of the household chores you do but wouldn't surprise me if you do a lot. From now on you only do your own.

[dreamingoftigers]

Mine hid his BS for 3 years. Pretty impressive actually.