pinkrainbows Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hello, I wrote on here quite a while ago after finding out my husband of 40 years had a year long affair which blew my whole world apart and i never ever thought i would get over it or move on from those dreadful feelings back then. I thought i was going mad for many months afterwards and was very ill from it all too. I suffer a chronic a dibilatating illness as well but somehow found an inner strength from somewhere. I had some brilliant advice on here especially from people going through or had gone through something similar and took all the advice on board. I cannot thankyou all enough. Well we are now two totally different people as the old MARRIAGE died the day i found out but we have BOTH worked together and are so very happy together and do alot more as a couple now. We love each other to bits and always will. Yes i never thought i would get where i am today and i still have days where it all come's flooding back and probably always will but those days are now fading and are few and far between. I was'nt prepared to give up on forty years of marriage and my husband has done everything he can to make it work and cannot do enough for me. We still have along way to go but i want to offer hope to those who are in the early stages of finding out a husband/wife/partner etc has had an affair. If only the person who has had the affair or who is reading this and thinking of having one the devastation and hurt you cause to a relationship. The feeling is worse than a bereavement and i don't say that lightly either.:mad: It also had such an affect on our family too and to this day my brother won't speak to my husband but things are getting easier. My husbands mother also sadly passed away last November and he blames himself for her death as i was the one looking after her whilst he carried on with the affair. He is having councelling right now for all this. I just hope with time things will get even easier for us both. No-one can tell you how long it will take to get over an affair (every situation is different). We can now talk about anything and although there is NEVER any excuse for an affair i have to admit when i look back our marriage was in trouble. I hope some of you take comfort from reading this as i never ever thought we would still be together and having a fantastic life now.
Kidd Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I just wanted to thank you for your post. I am about 4 months out and while we are doing well, I'm still in a "thinking about it 24/7" kind of mode. That's the part that is discouraging. My W has made an amazing turnaround. It's inspiring and makes me proud of her. That's a real transition from the 1st three months. But I still have sadness over what was lost, I still fight mental movies a few times a day, and I have some actual jealousy over the fantasy life that she got to have in the middle of our marriage. The fact that these things continue to come to mind can eventually make me angry despite all of her daily and near constant efforts. It's nice to see an encouraging post about reconciliation a little further down the line. Thanks for taking the time to write it.
2011aug Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 ... Well we are now two totally different people as the old MARRIAGE died the day i found out but we have BOTH worked together and are so very happy together and do alot more as a couple now. We love each other to bits and always will. Yes i never thought i would get where i am today and i still have days where it all come's flooding back and probably always will but those days are now fading and are few and far between. I was'nt prepared to give up on forty years of marriage and my husband has done everything he can to make it work and cannot do enough for me. We still have along way to go but i want to offer hope to those who are in the early stages of finding out a husband/wife/partner etc has had an affair. If only the person who has had the affair or who is reading this and thinking of having one the devastation and hurt you cause to a relationship. The feeling is worse than a bereavement and i don't say that lightly either.:mad: It also had such an affect on our family too and to this day my brother won't speak to my husband but things are getting easier. My husbands mother also sadly passed away last November and he blames himself for her death as i was the one looking after her whilst he carried on with the affair. He is having councelling right now for all this. I just hope with time things will get even easier for us both. No-one can tell you how long it will take to get over an affair (every situation is different). We can now talk about anything and although there is NEVER any excuse for an affair i have to admit when i look back our marriage was in trouble. I hope some of you take comfort from reading this as i never ever thought we would still be together and having a fantastic life now. A few questions if I may... 1. you mentioned that both of you are 2 different persons now. Can you tell me what the difference(s) are? 2. Do you like the 2 new persons you both have now become? 3. Do you still have the same level of trust and comfort of your husband now, as compare to the level before the affair? 4. "feeling is worse than a bereavement" -- is it still worse? And, if so, how did change? What did you do to return to normalcy? Thanks in advance for your answers.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Firstly i am so pleased to have helped someone kid. I used to get what i would call porn movies going round in my head and my husband was the star:mad: This i can tell you has almost gone now. What i can say is take one day or one hour at time and i promise if you are both committed to staying together it WILL get easier and it WILL fade. I never ever thought i would be able to say that. Keep talking if you want to if things get to you. I did and he listened to be day and night about how he made me feel and what he did to me. Don't bottle feeling up as they will eat away at you.
Author pinkrainbows Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 For 2011Aug, You asked whey my marriage is different now.... When you find out about and affair and are willing to work at your marriage i am afraid that the old marriage died if that makes any sense and you greive the the old one. You BOTH have to work hard at working at it. Its wasn't until i now look back that i realize we were both growing apart for many years but now we talk, laugh, go out together more, have holidays together and love each other's company. Our marriage is stronger and better than before. All the feelings i had for the first few months are nowhere near as bad. I always said if my husband EVER had an affair he would be out the door but that's not now life is. I cannot even begin to tell you how i got through those first weeks. months but i did with the help of councelling and my family who all stood by me. As for trusting him........well no i don't fully yet but am told that is normal and takes time. It may take years to fully trust him again but we are getting there by once again talking through things that worry and concern me. Hope this helps.
2011aug Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 ... All the feelings i had for the first few months are nowhere near as bad. I always said if my husband EVER had an affair he would be out the door but that's not now life is. I cannot even begin to tell you how i got through those first weeks. months but i did with the help of councelling and my family who all stood by me. As for trusting him........well no i don't fully yet but am told that is normal and takes time. It may take years to fully trust him again but we are getting there by once again talking through things that worry and concern me. Hope this helps. Thanks for the reply. I want to ask you more questions but I dont want to reopen old wounds so I will leave it as is.
alwaysangry Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I am about 4 months out and while we are doing well, I'm still in a "thinking about it 24/7" kind of mode.... But I still have sadness over what was lost, I still fight mental movies a few times a day, and I have some actual jealousy over the fantasy life that she got to have in the middle of our marriage. The fact that these things continue to come to mind can eventually make me angry despite all of her daily and near constant efforts. In a way, it's relieving to know I'm not the only one who has these exact thoughts.
StrongerThanB4 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 In a way, it's relieving to know I'm not the only one who has these exact thoughts. These were the exact thoughts that gave me strength to move on. Not easy making the step to leave...but knowing myself...not easy to let those thoughts go either!
bosunmate Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Very good post, gives hope which is important...
2sunny Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 i would like to ask - what made your H cheat? did he learn what that was? what work has he done to repair your trust? please explain what you BOTH have changed to restore trust.
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