EmilyAnn Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hi everyone, im new to the forum and need some advice. Ill try to make this as brief as possible! My boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year now. I am 21 years old, and my boyfriend is 24. We had worked together years ago at a part time job when i was 16, and last year reconnected because we ended up at the same college together. It was perfect from the beginning; we spent every waking hour together. At 2 months we said our "i love you's", and at 4 we were talking about marriage and how we knew each other was 'the one' and how we had dated enough to know it was right. Everything was awesome until..... This past month. He and i were having talks while we were on our first ever vacation together with his whole extended family. Alot of the guys in his family around his age, give or take a few years, are in committed relationships and have their life in order. For example, job wise. Most of his cousins and such went to school, got their stuff done, or went into a trade and actually made money by 21/22 yrs old. Granted they are a little older now, with wives and small children or some on the way, but they have their lives in order. My boyfriend saw this, we talked about it, just because i was curious about his family and wanted to know more about their lives. It took me a couple days but, i realized that my bf is really in no rush to get out there and make money. He is spending MORE time in school now(as if 5 years already isnt enough) because he has changed his major once again. He has lofty aspirations to own his own business, which is great he has goals, BUT im scared he wont want to take another job to start out. My problem is that he wants to get married within the next 3-4 years, and to be honest i thought id already be engaged by this stage of my life. So we both want the marriage and such, but i just dont see how he could even afford an engagement ring within the next few years?! He spends money alot, and doesnt seem to try and save it or know how. This is where im torn on what to do. I come from a wealthy family. I personally do not expect to be 'rich' when i get married or even later in life, i just want to be able to pay bills, support my children without scraping by, and put food on the table. My family expects the same thing, they dont expect me to be rich per say, but want me to live comfortably. They wont let me marry someone who doesnt have his life together, esp financially. Since my boyfriend and i have ALOT of talks on marriage and kids someday, im wondering if i should tell him this, or if it makes me sounds to nasty and mean. Sorry if im not explaining this well, but i just dont know how or IF i should tell my bf how i feel about finances at this point. I look around at other guys his age who 'have it together' and wonder, why cant that be my bf? 4 out of 5 of my best friends are in committed relationships with guys around my boyfriends age, and those guys make enough money to support themselves and my friends. 2 already have rings. I know comparing doesnt help or do any good, but i cant help but wonder why my bf cant get his stuff in line and man up. If he and i are not going to have a future together(like say, if he never gets the money to propose, if he cant support our family etc) then i dont want to waste my time with this. I know what people are going to say, "If you are sure he is the one youll wait, why do you even have to get married...etc" and i understand where people are coming from. BUT, for starters i want kids, and in my family if you have a kid when your not married its very much looked down upon and not accepted. Second, i WANT to be married and have 'that life'. I really dont believe in living together before marriage, and because i am pretty religious, i am not supposed to be sexually active. I am of course, but it makes me feel guilty. I always wanted a family and a house to clean, thats just my thing. I love my boyfriend to death, im just afraid that if by 24 going on 25 he doesnt have his life together, he might never. Should i bring this up to him? What can i say? Am i being stupid?
thatone Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 a) your boyfriend is never going to own a business, or if he does it will likely fail. anyone who is a 5 year student at 24 simply doesn't have the drive to do such a thing, in all likelihood. b) your sexual guilt isn't going to help any. all that amounts to is another justification for blaming him for both you and your family whenever something goes wrong.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I assure you that many, many people are "late bloomers" and that plenty of us who took a long time to complete college ended up VERY successful and yes, some of us owned our own businesses (like me - and I didn't finish my BA until I was the ripe old age of 27). There are big segments of our society that seem to view people of your and your boyfriend's age group as sort of extended teenagers, for better or worse. Unfortunately, it seems like you are not that way, and your boyfriend is. Whether or not he'll ultimately become a successful money earner, he is NOT in a place to assure you of the future you want for yourself at this time. How about you? Have you graduated from college? What are your career goals? What are the plans YOU have to fulfill your own need to "live comfortably"? I think at the age of 21, you need to be more concerned with how to provide YOURSELF with the kind of life you want to have than whether your boyfriend is going to be able to do that FOR you, regardless of what your parents think. If I were you, I'd get busy with that, since it's important to you, and enjoy my relationship for now. Putting pressure on your boyfriend when he is in this place (ongoing school, wanting to get married in 3 - 4 years) is not going to go well. A lot can change, fast, in your early 20's.
EasyHeart Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Good gravy, he's 24 and in college. How does that equate to not having his life together. That's just silly. I'd be way more concerned if he was 24 and had already plateaued.
musemaj11 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 You think that you should already be engaged at the age of 21? Wtf are you from? Kingdom of Saudi Arabia?
Imajerk17 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) Great, another young woman barely old enough to legally drink, who is in a rush to get her "MRS" degree. Girls who think they're supposed to be engaged by 22 usually turn out to be major ball-busters by the time they are 30. Edited August 16, 2011 by Imajerk17
thatone Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 now that everyone else has pointed out the obvious i'll agree with them your religious/family/social fantasy is going to leave you a very lonely older woman.
Author EmilyAnn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Alright. Although i appreciate you all taking time to respond i have to say i felt pretty sad reading the replies. When i asked if i was "being stupid", i did not mean actually rag on me for my beliefs, the way i live my life, or my thoughts/views. I only wanted some advice on whether or not i should keep my mouth shut for a while or talk this over with my boyfriend. Great, another young woman barely old enough to legally drink, who is in a rush to get her "MRS" degree. Girls who think they're supposed to be engaged by 22 usually turn out to be major ball-busters by the time they are 30. For the record, i know MANY people aged 21-78, who got engaged at an extremely young age, and despite half of all other marriages ending in divorce, have managed to stay together and seem happier than anyone i know. Most of them are married. I am not in a rush, and if you re read my post you can see that im thinking about the FUTURE and how to manage my life financially and such. You think that you should already be engaged at the age of 21? Wtf are you from? Kingdom of Saudi Arabia? Once again, if youd re read my post, it states that i THOUGHT id be engaged by this point. IDK where you are from, but in the south ALOT of people get engaged/married very young. now that everyone else has pointed out the obvious i'll agree with them your religious/family/social fantasy is going to leave you a very lonely older woman. I dont see how planning my future and making sure i dont go bankrupt(or God forbid when i have kids being unable to support them) is going to leave me lonely and old. I have my values as do many people around me. i really do appreciate everyones your replies. I really just came to this site from another relationship advice forum and was looking for nicer, non judgmental, good advice giving people. I feel disappointed that i felt i was just attacked for my beliefs and wanting to plan a future.
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I didn't attack you. I believe it is valid to ask - and it would probably do you good to answer - my questions, especially this one: How about you? Have you graduated from college? What are your career goals? What are the plans YOU have to fulfill your own need to "live comfortably"? I think you should be focussing on this, and enjoying your courtship period with your boyfriend. When you BOTH are ready to become engaged, that will be the time to really discuss how you'll handle your financial life. Or, if your timelines are too far off with you wanting to be engaged NOW, and him wanting to wait a few years, you might have to move on.
Author EmilyAnn Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I didn't attack you. I believe it is valid to ask - and it would probably do you good to answer - my questions, especially this one: How about you? Have you graduated from college? What are your career goals? What are the plans YOU have to fulfill your own need to "live comfortably"? I think you should be focussing on this, and enjoying your courtship period with your boyfriend. When you BOTH are ready to become engaged, that will be the time to really discuss how you'll handle your financial life. Or, if your timelines are too far off with you wanting to be engaged NOW, and him wanting to wait a few years, you might have to move on. i thought your post was very thought through, and i dont believe your post was one of the 'attacking' ones. maybe that was the wrong word. To answer your questions, i am graduated. I have an internship right now and have a job lined up for october 1st in my specified field. Theoretically i CAN support myself once ive been working for a few months.
Chocolat Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 If you and your bf have progressed to the point where you are talking about marriage, it should certainly be ok to have a talk about how you each see the future unfolding. Do you plan to be a SAHM? Does your bf also envision this or does he envision a working wife? What are your bf's plans (beyond the very vague idea to have a business)? What steps does he think he needs to take to achieve his plans? Are they realistic? Do you share similar values about money and saving? Honestly, I don't quite understand how you can have been together for "every waking hour" of a year (when do either of you get anything done? ) and not have discussed some of these basic issues. I also don't see how either of you can seriously consider marrying the other without knowing if you are compatible when it comes to core values.
zengirl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I agree with Chocolat that these are things to talk about. Whether or not it will work will depend on a whole host of factors that you don't seem to know yet or have in this thread---chiefly, what he actually wants/intends to do with his life and you with yours and if those things are compatible. Good gravy, he's 24 and in college. How does that equate to not having his life together. That's just silly. I'd be way more concerned if he was 24 and had already plateaued. It's not altogether uncommon these days either. Most of my younger friends (23-26) have recently graduated. I graduated at 21 (a little early at the time, but most people I knew in college were 22 or so when they graduated) and had a full time job before that, so I have been working for WAY longer than a lot of my friends who are close to the same age. It's weird. My friend who's 8 months younger and just graduated last December told me the other day, "I wish I'd been laid off," because she's never had a real job or been laid off (I have, and I was talking about the layoff). I found that amusing. Anyway, I don't think it's a big deal to be a little older and graduate these days. Plenty of people are staying in school because the economy is subpar. I consider myself lucky to graduate when I did (decent economy) and get some experience there which I could show later. I never had to do unpaid internships or the like (though I did do some volunteer work), but these days, I think you have to a lot of the time to even get a decent job. Big bummer, but times are different. Foregoing an engagement ring wouldn't matter to me (well, I hate them so I'm a bad example but I know loads of girls who wouldn't care and have gotten married without them in recent years---only to get them later in some cases/will get them later) if I loved the guy and there was a potential for a strong financial future later down the road. I think that's a shallow way to focus on money and drive. And what do you mean your family won't LET you marry someone? Isn't that YOUR choice?
musemaj11 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Once again, if youd re read my post, it states that i THOUGHT id be engaged by this point. IDK where you are from, but in the south ALOT of people get engaged/married very young. Ow okay, so you AREfrom the 'Kingdom of Saudi Arabia'.
Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I think at the age of 21, you need to be more concerned with how to provide YOURSELF with the kind of life you want to have than whether your boyfriend is going to be able to do that FOR you, regardless of what your parents think. If I were you, I'd get busy with that, since it's important to you, and enjoy my relationship for now. Putting pressure on your boyfriend when he is in this place (ongoing school, wanting to get married in 3 - 4 years) is not going to go well. A lot can change, fast, in your early 20's. This. At 21, I was about to graduate college and start law school, whereas my boyfriend dropped out (as a result of losing his Pac10 scholarship due to partying and not keeping up his grades), and whereas he knew he'd be okay, I was needlessly worried about his future. Boy, was I naive. I was a mere 21! That's just a few years out of high schools be patient with him, and yourself. As MC said, some people are late bloomers. That guy now out earns me three-fold. Luckily, I did focus on providing the life I wanted FOR MYSELF. Any guy who comes along will be a bonus to my life, not make it.
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