Guitarjeff Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I enjoy helping others through the pain of infidelity. Here are my personal ten points I like to impart to those going through this nightmare. These are just my opinions and others will have their own. I hope they make you feel better and give you a different perspective. 1.) Though it feels as if you are in more pain than anyone has ever been because of infidelity, you are hurting no worse than anyone else has and is hurting over it. When we hurt real bad, it's as if inside us we believe that our pain is special, and that we are hurting more than anyone ever could over this because we loved our spouse more than a normal person does. No one could be hurting as bad as *I* am hurting. This is simply false and you are not alone. Thousands upon thousands of betrayed spouses hurt exactly the same as you are with as much excruciating pain. Can't eat, can't sleep, breaking down in tears, even at work. Remember, this pain is absolutely normal, and you are not having some ultra-normal devastation. It helps to know that everyone that goes through this nightmare feels just the same as you, you are completely normal 2.} Just as all betrayed humans find out eventually, YOU WILL HAVE a happy life again in the future. Yep, that's right, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and seems impossible, you will get up someday and actually smile and feel good about life again and look forward to your day, it's as sure as the sun will rise, nothing can stop the progression of time, nothing can stop you from healing and the pain beginning to die, it happens to all of us, and the people that have been through it, seeing you from their perspective, know for absolute sure that your pain will begin to fade. In ten years from now you will say to yourself, "I probably wouldn't change a single thing that happened" because it led you down a new life path. When one door closes, another opens. Be secure in the knowledge that this pain will eventually die and you will be happy again. 3.) During these horrible times, you absolutely HAVE to take care of yourself and eat well, try to sleep as normally as you can. Go see your doctor and tell him what's going on. Human beings are naturally empathetic, and who hasn't had their heart broken before? Your doctor will prescribe you with sleep and anti depression medication if he feels it will help you, so don't hold this in. That's why your doctor is there for goodness sakes. You won't be the firts or last person to come to them with emotional devastation. 4.) Out the affair to the other spouse who is being cheated on. Affairs thrive in secrecy, it's a fantasy land, that's why it's so exciting and feels like teenage love again. Your spouse doesn't have to see the new persons dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, or hear them using the bathroom, or smell their body reek after they mow the lawn. The affair partner is put on a pedestal. They don't have to live up to your standards because they don't have to live with your spouse. They can be the night in shining armor or the sweet princess while your spouse sees you as the boring mate who had gas in the middle of the night in bed. When you out the affair to friends and family, it loses it's shine and becomes an embarrassment to your spouse. The little fairy tale is now gone, and now it's a seedy affair, ruins that fantasy real quick. Telling the other betrayed spouse is very important because you would want to be told yourself, right? Can you imagine keeping this vital information from a married person? It's a terrible thing to do and you rob them of the opportunity to make proper decisions in their life based on the truth of what's happening to them. It's the same as lying. When you lie (and this is what your cheating spouse was doing to you), you prohibit the other betrayed spouse from making judgments based on truthful reality. That's a terrible thing to do to someone. If you know someone who is being cheated on and refuse to tell them, it's the same as being an accessory to the crime. 5.) No excuses for your cheating spouse. If I had a dollar for every time the people on these infidelity forums have seen a hurting spouse make excuses for their cheating spouse I would be rich. Basically, IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE to be analyzing why your spouse cheated on you.. You are not a mental health specialists. There is one big reason why betrayed spouses do this, and it's simple. If you can absolve your spouse of responsibility, then it must not be their fault, so then you can stay with them and not feel the pain anymore, right? If they just have an excuse, you can stay married to them and then you don't have to face being alone, see how that works? NO SPOUSE HAS A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR CHEATING ON YOU, NONE!!! Nothing you do can EVER be a reason for your spouse to bring a third party in to your intimate relationship you share together. A spouse can always come to you and tell you they are not happy and that they want to move on without you. There is NEVER a need to cheat, and it can NEVER be the right decision. Excuses for your spouse are really you trying to cheat out of the pain. 6.) Do not plead and beg to your cheating spouse to stay with you. To someone that is in the fantasy land of an affair, you already hold a lower place than the affair partner. They have lost their respect for you to begin with. Begging and pleading, crying at their feet looks terribly pathetic to your cheating spouse. It looks weak and unattractive and will simply make them pull away from you even harder because their affair partner doesn't grovel like this, they are strong and confident. To a cheating spouse, your crying and begging looks pathetic and weak, and it's the fastest way you can drive them even further away. It feels terribly unnatural to stand up to the person you fear will leave you. It's nature to want to beg them to stay, but the truth is exactly opposite. You want them to see you strong, confident. You must show them what they are losing. They are losing their friend, their partner for years, their home life, their security, maybe even their kids. How many times have the folks here seen a betrayed spouse try to be nice by giving the cheater money and offer everything up in a divorce trying to :*nice* their spouse back, only to end up losing so much more than they had to in a divorce? Do not try to buy your spouses love and respect back, most of the time you end up losing so much more in the end, and then a few years later when the pain is gone, you are saying to yourself "was I stupid or what? I lost everything I had because I was trying to give my cheating spouse the kitchen sink to show her how wonderful I was and make them want to come back" This never works. Giving the cheater everything they ask for because of your pain only puts you in more misery eventually, far more than you needed to endure. 7.) Did you know that your cheating spouse may not be who you were supposed to grow old with? That's right, it may not be in the cards for you two. I am a firm believer in fate, and I believe that most everyone has someone they are eventually supposed to grow old with and share their lives with. Would you want to stay in a betrayed marriage and miss the real person you were meant to grow old with? Of course not. No one wants to end up with the wrong person. There may be another person out there, right now, living their life, that is supposed to meet you when the time is right. Someone that won't cheat on you and that will forever love and respect you. They wouldn't be able to cheat on you no more than you would on them. Isn't this the kind of person you want to grow old with? Always keep in mind what kind of love you deserve. You DID NOT DESERVE to be cheated on. You deserve someone who will always be honest and true to you. 8.) Did you know that divorce, in most cases, IS THE FASTEST WAY for the pain to die? I have seen couples reconcile and the betrayed spouse is still in bad pain even years down the road. If you cut your losses and divorce, in just six months you are well down your new path and new life. You will still hurt, but your new direction gives you new goals, new friends, new perspectives, new jobs, new homes, new everything. When you make that decision to move on, it's like you have been a swimmer underwater, drowning and not knowing which way the light and air is. Then, you make a firm, final decision, and it's like the swimmer has now seen where to swim to. You swim toward the light. You are still drowning, but now you have a goal. You are not floundering in darkness, but you can put all your energy in to swimming toward the light and air. There's nothing like having a real direction and goal to move toward for easing your pain. Human nature will tell you that divorce will be the most pain, because you don't want to be alone and lonely while your cheating spouse takes off with their new fantasy. I would say it's completely opposite. The pain thrives in your indecision and fear of loneliness, And like I said before, you wouldn't want to miss out on the real person you are supposed to grow old with, would you? I am not advocating divorce for all couples going through this, I just want to make sure you understand that your emotions will make you want to try and hold on to your marriage out of fear and you will think that the path of least pain is staying in a betrayed marriage, when really, divorcing is usually the path with the least amount of overall pain, far less pain usually. It takes years in a betrayed marriage for the mind movies to stop. Wondering if he or she moaned, or rubbed their back as they had sex. Did he kiss her ear, put his tongue in her ear and whisper "I Love you?" Did she or he have a better orgasm than they ever had with you? Would they really tell you the truth if they did, how do you know? How will you feel when you hear a joke about infidelity, or see it in a movie you are both watching? Can you ever be comfortable being around friends and family who know your spouse has been inside another woman, or that your wife was penetrated by another man? If you decide to reconcile, ask all these questions of yourself. Can you be happy again knowing you are with a cheater while realizing that there may be another person out there you would have met and that would have loved and honored you, been faithful to you, and would give you the true love you deserve? Can you handle living without that special, exclusive intimacy that your cheating spouse destroyed forever? Your pain will tell you "yes, I just want my darling back because I want this pain to end and I am afraid to be alone and lonely, facing an unsure life without them". This is pain, fear, and emotion talking, not a person making rational decisions that aren't based in fear and loneliness. Make your decisions with your future mind, not with your emotional, hurting mind. The hurting mind is the one that looks pathetic and weak when it tells you try to beg and cry, grab their feet and beg while they walk out the door. It's the mind that will tell you to win them back by being nice and giving them any and everything, money, your kids, your body....only to have you cursing yourself a couple years later after the pain is gone for losing everything you had to a cheater by trying to buy them back or "nice" them back. Your future mind is the one that sees reality as it really is. It will have you make decisions rationally, not based on fear and pain but for what's best for your future and well being. Remember I said that in ten years you will say to yourself "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened because it made me who I am now"? That's your future mind and that's what you should be using to make your decisions. 9.) YOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS!! I am a single father and I have raised two wonderful children for over ten years by myself. My son is now 18 and in college, and my darling daughter is 14 and doing well. Last year, my daughter was crying because she didn't have a Mom and other girls do. Her and I are so close it's beyond words as you parents know. I explained to her that "I wouldn't change a single thing that happened". She asked why, and I explained to her that had I stayed married, her and I surely would not have the exact same relationship we have together now. I told her that I would not have been able to spend and devote so much time to her had there been another parent involved. I asked her if she thought about it, would she really want things to be different than they are now, even in our relationship? She thought about it and said, "No dad, No way" The point I am making is, your children will always be your darlings, no matter if you are married or not. In my case, my relationship as a single dad has brought my children and I as close as can be imagined. I cannot say our relationship would be special in this exact way had I stayed married. I wouldn't trade the gift of raising my children alone for the last ten years for all the money in the world. It has been a real blast having it be just them and me. My children will always know that I stuck it out to raise them, and they will always know how much I love them. Don't stay in a betrayed marriage just because you think your kids will be better off. You may actually end up far closer to them because of a divorce because it does change your relationship to them, often making you closer than you would have ever been with two parents, and that special thing can be the most rewarding feeling in your entire life. I can honestly say, ten years down the road, "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened over these years if I could". 10.) Your pain will leave, it's really true. The people on this site are at the end of the tunnel, they came through it, and they are now talking to you while you are still in the tunnel. They are telling you to keep your hands on the walls and follow their voices to the daylight. They made it through and you will too. You are not the only person to travel this tunnel, and now you are no longer lost, you have many others who have been right where you are guiding you to the daylight. Listen to them and follow their lead. You too will be on the outside of the tunnel, and you will be guiding other lost, hurting souls through the darkness soon. It feels so good to not hurt anymore, and there's nothing in the world that can stop your pain from dying in time, so feel secure in that knowledge. Good luck.
nyrias Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I enjoy helping others through the pain of infidelity. Here are my personal ten points I like to impart to those going through this nightmare. These are just my opinions and others will have their own. I hope they make you feel better and give you a different perspective. 1.) Though it feels as if you are in more pain than anyone has ever been because of infidelity, you are hurting no worse than anyone else has and is hurting over it. When we hurt real bad, it's as if inside us we believe that our pain is special, and that we are hurting more than anyone ever could over this because we loved our spouse more than a normal person does. No one could be hurting as bad as *I* am hurting. This is simply false and you are not alone. Thousands upon thousands of betrayed spouses hurt exactly the same as you are with as much excruciating pain. Can't eat, can't sleep, breaking down in tears, even at work. Remember, this pain is absolutely normal, and you are not having some ultra-normal devastation. It helps to know that everyone that goes through this nightmare feels just the same as you, you are completely normal 2.} Just as all betrayed humans find out eventually, YOU WILL HAVE a happy life again in the future. Yep, that's right, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and seems impossible, you will get up someday and actually smile and feel good about life again and look forward to your day, it's as sure as the sun will rise, nothing can stop the progression of time, nothing can stop you from healing and the pain beginning to die, it happens to all of us, and the people that have been through it, seeing you from their perspective, know for absolute sure that your pain will begin to fade. In ten years from now you will say to yourself, "I probably wouldn't change a single thing that happened" because it led you down a new life path. When one door closes, another opens. Be secure in the knowledge that this pain will eventually die and you will be happy again. Don't think (1) and (2) are true. The level of pain differs depending on the situation. I do not think you can argue that a one-time EA cause the SAME amount of pain as a ongoing, long term PA that gives the BS STD. Well, i also don't think EVERY BS will have a happy life in the future. Didn't you read that thread about this guy who is still messed up THIRTY years after his wife's A? That is a counter example.
Author Guitarjeff Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Don't think (1) and (2) are true. The level of pain differs depending on the situation. I do not think you can argue that a one-time EA cause the SAME amount of pain as a ongoing, long term PA that gives the BS STD. Well, i also don't think EVERY BS will have a happy life in the future. Didn't you read that thread about this guy who is still messed up THIRTY years after his wife's A? That is a counter example. But level of pain depends on the person feeling it too, and when your heart is broken it's broken, and each person feels that their pain (or their susceptibility to it) is worse than what anyone else is going through. Your counter example sounds like mental illness and not inside the bounds of normal adult behavior and response. Obviously I was talking in General. No, not ten million people out of ten million people will someday be happy again. I would hope that was just understood from the start. Anyway, feel free to make a post of your own telling everyone your opinions and how many can look forward to 30 years of horrible pain. My post is my opinions meant to give others some comfort. That's all, no need to respond by nit picking it, it is a statement in general to help others, sounds like you can't accept that and le it stand on how it was intended.
nyrias Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 But level of pain depends on the person feeling it too, and when your heart is broken it's broken, and each person feels that their pain (or their susceptibility to it) is worse than what anyone else is going through. Your counter example sounds like mental illness and not inside the bounds of normal adult behavior and response. Obviously I was talking in General. No, not ten million people out of ten million people will someday be happy again. I would hope that was just understood from the start. Anyway, feel free to make a post of your own telling everyone your opinions and how many can look forward to 30 years of horrible pain. My post is my opinions meant to give others some comfort. That's all, no need to respond by nit picking it, it is a statement in general to help others, sounds like you can't accept that and le it stand on how it was intended. The example (and there are more i think) comes from LS posts. I have no doubt your intentions are good. I don't know how prevalent it is .. but if you sample LS posts, there are quite a few with problems going on for MANY yes. While your intentions are good, don't you think giving some false hope is also a cruel thing to do?
Author Guitarjeff Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 I have yet to even see the one where someone is hurting for 30 years, nope. I think staying in a betrayed marriage hurts far longer than when someone moves on. So no, I think EVERYONE within the normal bounds of adult behavior and a broken heart will get over the pain in roughly a normal amount of time, and I have never met any single person who didn't unless they were NOT operating in the normal bounds of adult behavior with a broken heart. Someone who is hurting for thirty years over a broken heart clearly has problems outside the scope of what normal, well adjusted human beings go through concerning a broken heart, so no false hope at all in my opinion. I appreciate the comments, though. The example (and there are more i think) comes from LS posts. I have no doubt your intentions are good. I don't know how prevalent it is .. but if you sample LS posts, there are quite a few with problems going on for MANY yes. While your intentions are good, don't you think giving some false hope is also a cruel thing to do?
Severely Unamused Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I have yet to even see the one where someone is hurting for 30 years, nope. I think staying in a betrayed marriage hurts far longer than when someone moves on. So no, I think EVERYONE within the normal bounds of adult behavior and a broken heart will get over the pain in roughly a normal amount of time, and I have never met any single person who didn't unless they were NOT operating in the normal bounds of adult behavior with a broken heart. Someone who is hurting for thirty years over a broken heart clearly has problems outside the scope of what normal, well adjusted human beings go through concerning a broken heart, so no false hope at all in my opinion. I appreciate the comments, though. Nyrias is referring to Drifter I believe. I would like to read what he has to say about this. I think that this would be useful for couples attempting reconciliation, and I'm sure that your intentions were good, but as with everything else, take it with a grain of salt.
2011aug Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Great post. I see you put some time and thought into it.
analystfromhell Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Great post- in particular about taking care of yourself (#1!), the role of divorce (don't fear it) and about dragging the stinking carcass which is the affair out into the sun. I've yet to send communications I have documented to the OW but am still thinking about doing so. From my personal experience there's still a lot of lingering trust issues and I don't expect those to go away soon so if kids aren't involved it seems to be a tradeoff between the emotional and financial pain of a divorce versus that of dealing with a spouse who you may never completely trust again. There's no silver lining...
Owl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 This is a good post. My only concern is that it seems to be very 'divorce oriented'...and not all posters are looking at that as their first option. Not only that...there are indeed marriages that do recover...I won't call them the majority, don't take me wrong...but it can happen, and posters coming here for advice need to be aware that it is possible as well. This post makes it seem pretty much impossible...which could also be misleading.
nyrias Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 This is a good post. My only concern is that it seems to be very 'divorce oriented'...and not all posters are looking at that as their first option. Not only that...there are indeed marriages that do recover...I won't call them the majority, don't take me wrong...but it can happen, and posters coming here for advice need to be aware that it is possible as well. This post makes it seem pretty much impossible...which could also be misleading. My "concern", if you could call it that, it is that some of the points are too optimistic (you will get over it, you will find a happy life), and it may create false hope. Isn't tough love ... face the truth ... a main theme of this forum? If so, people need to be aware of the fact that it can be quite bad and you need to be mentally prepared for it.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My "concern", if you could call it that, it is that some of the points are too optimistic (you will get over it, you will find a happy life), and it may create false hope. Isn't tough love ... face the truth ... a main theme of this forum? If so, people need to be aware of the fact that it can be quite bad and you need to be mentally prepared for it. Where in this forum, is "tough love?"
drifter777 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Nyrias is referring to Drifter I believe. I would like to read what he has to say about this. I think that this would be useful for couples attempting reconciliation, and I'm sure that your intentions were good, but as with everything else, take it with a grain of salt. Don't know if Nyrias was referring to me or not as I've read posts from others who still experience some level of mental anguish many years after the affair. In general, I think Guitarjeff is providing solid advice although it is definitely from a "glass is half full" perspective. In my own case there was a major contributor to my inability to find peace of mind regarding my wife's cheating; she was not sorry for what she did. While she told me she was sorry that she hurt me, she also insisted that the experience was good for her as it showed her how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. She had this attitude from the beginning, and I made a huge mistake not walking out and divorcing her right then. In my own defense, I was young and stupid and afraid of starting my life over, but I was wrong and divorce would have been much better for both of us. We struggled off and on with this over the years and only recently has she finally admitted that what she did was wrong and that she clung to the "it was an important experience" story so she didn't have to face the fact that she had done something so despicable. It was simply a rationalization so she could live with herself, and she has now demonstrated to me that she is truly sorry and has taken responsibility for her adultery. As a result, I have begun to find peace and our relationship has improved. I don't think I will ever forgive her, but my bar for forgiveness is probably higher than most and no longer being angry with her has been a tremendous relief to me. I see a counselor who has helped me get to this point after so many years. She has assured me that she sees many, many people who continue to have problems in their life and marriage due to infidelity that happened many years before. Is it normal? Well, I don't know what normal is and neither does anyone else. We are all so different and we deal with life's tragedies the best way we know how. I do think people face the truth and work things out when they are ready and not one moment before. For me, ready meant I was willing to walk away and start a new life if my wife continued to paint a happy face on her cheating.
PatFinkle Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am somewhat concerned that the post inadvertently suggests the 14 year old's issue concerning not having a mom, is being glossed over or white-washed to an extent. (I guess jeff's ex just split entirely after the split-up and has no role in the childrens' lives?) The daughter's concern is a real one--she has no mother--that is a huge loss in a child's life. No matter how good of a dad you are jeff--and I'm sure you're a very good one--squashing down your daughter's feelings about not having a mom is probably not the best way to go. Sounds like she could use some counseling for this.
Author Guitarjeff Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 True, and she has started seeing one, very good one so far and she has a nice connection with my Daughter it seems. My children have gone through something that i never had to go through and I have only seen how it has effected them. I am somewhat concerned that the post inadvertently suggests the 14 year old's issue concerning not having a mom, is being glossed over or white-washed to an extent. (I guess jeff's ex just split entirely after the split-up and has no role in the childrens' lives?) The daughter's concern is a real one--she has no mother--that is a huge loss in a child's life. No matter how good of a dad you are jeff--and I'm sure you're a very good one--squashing down your daughter's feelings about not having a mom is probably not the best way to go. Sounds like she could use some counseling for this.
alexandria35 Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I really like this and I agree with everything the OP said except for this: Did you know that your cheating spouse may not be who you were supposed to grow old with? That's right, it may not be in the cards for you two. I am a firm believer in fate, and I believe that most everyone has someone they are eventually supposed to grow old with and share their lives with. How can you believe this Jeff? Don't you know people who are old and alone? I know way to many people who have divorced and never remarried or lived with anyone again. My mom divorced my stepdad when she was 44 yrs old. She still had kids at home so she didn't date until she was 50 and she had a couple of short lived casual relationships. Says she never fell in love with the few guys she went out with, now she is almost seventy and alone and disabled. My exes mother divorced her alcoholic abusive husband when she was 40 and never remarried or lived with another man again. She's dead now. That just 2 examples, but I have lots more. I do want to stress that all the people I personally know who have remained alone into their old age after their divorce, none of them wish they hadn't divorced. None of them regret their decision to leave someone who was hurting them in spite of being all alone now. They are not unhappy people and they enjoy their lives but they do say they get lonely. Leaving a partner who is bad for us, doesn't automatically mean were going to find mr. or mrs. right. Many people do end up alone after divorce. I don't say that to be negative, but I think people who leave their spouse will fare better if they can accept that they might be alone for years or forever. The fear of being alone kept me hanging onto a bad relationship for too long but once I believed that even being alone was better than staying in that horrible situation, I was ready to go.
nyrias Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Where in this forum, is "tough love?" Looks who is talking? It is funny that question come from you.
John Michael Kane Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Looks who is talking? It is funny that question come from you. I honestly don't know what you're referring to.
Author Guitarjeff Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 yeah, you do give a picture that happens in many lives, so I guess I should alter that paragraph. I guess it just happens that in my life I know more people who have found someone to be with. My own parents were married for 48 years before my Dad died. When i thin over the older people I know the vast majority are growing old with someone, but now that i thin about it there are people who live alone. I need to write that differently and focus on the fact that happiness will come to them again even if they don't find that special someone who they want to grow old with. You are right, the people I know who are alone are happy people, they live their lives with family and friends and have a great time when they can, so it's not like they are not enjoying their lives. But facing that this happens kind of hurts my heart in a way too, I guess i am too much o a romantic. And I myself am 48 years old and I have not found the love of my life that I am to grow old with, so maybe it is I who doesn't want to thin that I may not have a soul mate to grow old with out there in the world. Maybe that's what makes me sad about that thought. Thanks for your insight. Jeff I really like this and I agree with everything the OP said except for this: How can you believe this Jeff? Don't you know people who are old and alone? I know way to many people who have divorced and never remarried or lived with anyone again. My mom divorced my stepdad when she was 44 yrs old. She still had kids at home so she didn't date until she was 50 and she had a couple of short lived casual relationships. Says she never fell in love with the few guys she went out with, now she is almost seventy and alone and disabled. My exes mother divorced her alcoholic abusive husband when she was 40 and never remarried or lived with another man again. She's dead now. That just 2 examples, but I have lots more. I do want to stress that all the people I personally know who have remained alone into their old age after their divorce, none of them wish they hadn't divorced. None of them regret their decision to leave someone who was hurting them in spite of being all alone now. They are not unhappy people and they enjoy their lives but they do say they get lonely. Leaving a partner who is bad for us, doesn't automatically mean were going to find mr. or mrs. right. Many people do end up alone after divorce. I don't say that to be negative, but I think people who leave their spouse will fare better if they can accept that they might be alone for years or forever. The fear of being alone kept me hanging onto a bad relationship for too long but once I believed that even being alone was better than staying in that horrible situation, I was ready to go.
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