butterfly4u Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Okay, here we go. I have been married for 13 years. My husband has a 14 year old son from his first marriage that we have raised together since he was a baby. The biological mom is not in the picture so I am and always have been mom to him. We also have a 7 year old child together. When we first got together we were SO in love. Things were awesome for many years. About 5 years ago he was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis). He is now in a wheelchair and does not work anymore (he is on disability). He is no longer the man I married. He has become a very bitter angry person (who wouldn’t be?). I work full time and do ALL of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, take care of the kids (homework, sports functions, baths, doctor's appointments, etc). He sits in his chair all. day. long. I realize with his condition there is only so much he can do but he manages to find a way to do the things that he enjoys (hunting, boating, woodworking, etc). I feel like a single parent. But, the biggest thing is he is mean and hateful to me (and sometimes the children) 95% of the time. He talks down to me and treats me like a child. He will not let me have a debit card to OUR account (the same account my paycheck is deposited into) and he does not give me money other than for gas to get back and forth to work. The past 2 years have been pretty bad. There has been a lot of arguing. I left twice for about a week and he calls me crying and begging me to come back. He promises that he will change and that we can go to marriage counseling. I feel so bad for separating the children and I believe his promises so I go back. Things will be better for a month or 2 and then it always gets back to where it was. He tells me that if I leave him he will not let me see my (step) son. The thought of not seeing him again kills me. Our children have always been together. If I leave I am separating my children. But on the other hand I don't want to raise them in an unhappy home. I have told him time and time again that no matter what happens in regards to his health (if he gets worse) I would never leave him IF he treats me good. I wish he would just hear me. I have promised myself that if I leave again I WILL NOT go back. But the guilt I feel for leaving him in his condition is horrible. Not to mention separating my children. But on the other hand I am still young (mid-thirty’s) and I cannot fathom living the rest of my life like this…. Please help….
analystfromhell Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Have you seen a counselor either as a couple or on your own? Granted it might be tough with your busy schedule as it sounds like a really tough situation. If you come to the point of leaving for a break again, maybe counseling might a good precondition for your return if he isn't interested off the bat. Sounds like there's a lot of guilt and taking advantage of that guilt going on, none of which is good for your well-being.
Author butterfly4u Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 No, I have not nor has he had any counseling. I have begged and asked he always says he will but when it comes down to it he backs out.
andyg99 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 even though you're not the biological mom you ARE that 14 year old boy's mother! I wouldn't worry about him threatening you that you would never see him again... the boy actually is old enough to decide who he wants to see or not... I would demand that he go to counseling, it must be horrible to have a disease like he does but he still has his mind intact and there is no excuse to treat you like he has...
RebuiltNJ Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I am really sorry for your situation. When I gave my ex the "counseling or else" ultimatum, I made the appointment and went to the first one without her. It's a common approach. It didn't save our marriage but it did lead us each into individual therapy and a fairly amicable and friendly post marriage life. Head down the counseling path, it will help you navigate this one way or the other. Good luck.
Author butterfly4u Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 We didn't speak at all yesterday. This morning he said if I make the appointment for counseling he will go. We will see...
analystfromhell Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 That's great news about the counseling. I've gone for about three weeks now with my SO- it doesn't move fast or at least this counselor but perhaps learning patience is part of it. Best of luck and glad you're there for your kids.
Author butterfly4u Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Now he is saying that I can not deal with the fact that he is disabled and I am looking for any excuse to get out of this marriage and other things... I think he has changed his mind about the counseling... Uhh!!!
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