You think your break up was messed up?

[danceallday]

This forum has been a godsend for me. Just reading all the stories and practical advise has been so helpful. I just wanted to get my story off of my chest and maybe someone else can use it as a warning.

 

I met my ex and I was 34 he was 22. I am very lucky that I look 10 years younger then my age - he thought I was 24. Love at first sight for me, he was a beautiful dancer and bold. He asked me to marry him 3 weeks later. I said okay, but let's take some time to get to know each other. I also felt responsible being the older person to let him have time to figure out things for himself. I supported him in every way possible. Paid for everything, got him work, helped him out with his family, tried to show him what stability was: family, friends, a home. He had a very rough upbringing and a real douchebag for a father. It didn't matter to me, we shared everything and did not hold back on telling each other even the unpleasant things in our lives.

 

Fast forward 8 years and I am having difficulties with career transitions, depression about some things and he is getting more distant. What I call "living in the computer". At the time that I needed him more he pulled away and was not there for me. And in the earlier years he had been there for me in so many ways. We had gone through so many things together and I thought we had each others backs. He starts criticizing my looks, everything and he has this a******e friend that I HATE that he is hanging out with. In general he was not mature and his friend is even worse and encourages the behavior. Also the friend is one of the "haves" and my ex is a "have not". So he pulls away further and I get needy and try to close the gap. When I was ready to finally get married he won't even introduce me to people as his fiancee. WTF???

 

Two years ago I feel that he is just not there at all. His behavior is different, he is out and out rude and hostile sometimes. He says I have emasculated him and I am really wondering what the heck is going on. Not to mention the non-stop PORN on my computer. I had lost my sex drive because of my weight gain and depression and instead of him asking me if I was okay he douches out on me and says it is my fault that we aren't having sex. So no warning he up and packs a bag and walks out on me. He had left me 5 years earlier, but I went and got him after a week. It was different the first time, the first time he didn't say he felt differently. The second time I said "you better man up and tell me you don't love me" and he said he didn't feel the same. I was fine for about 10 minutes and then something came over me when he was packing and I slapped him about four times and screamed at him. He is astonishingly uncommunicative, immature, and emotionally unavailable at times and I just snapped. Everything I ever did for him came flooding back. Well after he left I started to check my computer and cyberstalk. Not cool, but I had no information to go on. I find out he is on this forum complaining about me like he is a 15 year old talking about how he hates his parents! I mean stupid immature stuff. He is also talking to other women (girls really) and hiding other things from me.

 

Two days after he left me he still had ALL of his stuff in my place. I mean everything plus keys. He came in when I was not there and left me a large sum of cash. To take care of me? I wrote him a letter thanking him for the money, but if it was between the money and him I would rather have him.

 

A week later my Mother passed away. It was not completely unexpected, but when you lose a parent you will never get to tell them that you are sorry or that you are thankful or any of that stuff. I called my ex because I didn't know who else to turn to, left him a message. I left my apt. and came back many hours later to find he had written a note saying how sorry he was and that she was a good woman. I emailed him saying thank you and that I wanted him to go to the funeral because he had been a member of the family for 10 years and my Mother always liked him. He went and held my hand through it all, was wonderful, very supportive. I broke the rules and slept with him. The minute we got back he took off again and said "I'll call you". I find him on the forums again complaining about me and that my MOTHER DIED. Are you f****** kidding me??? That was my MOTHER!!! He made it sound like I threw myself at him - you know, you didn't have to get into bed naked with me dumbass.

 

So after that he takes off on a trip with two girls I do not know to Canada and calls me when he gets back. I said sure, come on over but I found your forums and we need to talk. He shows up and reads me and my family for filth. Like really busts on what he perceives are my negative points and has me apologizing for it. I asked him to never, ever, write about me or my family again. He says that the forum was a way of getting out of his system all the things he was feeling and I was like "HELLO! Did you ever think about talking to me??" Anyway, I am not proud of this but I was so humiliated by him leaving that I didn't tell people that we broke up, or he left, or anything. Some people knew, but not a lot. I made all the mistakes: sleeping with him, begging, cyberstalking, bargaining.

 

He moved in a block away from me! A BLOCK! He said that the was the only place he could find after looking all over Manhattan. So he still had keys to my place. I found more stuff out on the computer, like he had put himself on an internet dating site. I printed out his profile and we were meeting for a date. He had done something incredibly kind for me and I started to cry, he said "why are you crying?" I pulled out the paper and said I don't want to know why you did this. He said I am sorry. I said don't be sorry, just be better. I said you did things to me that I would have never done to you. He said I know. I left in tears.

 

Stupid me I called a week later and met him and asked him to take down the profile. He did, but I am still suspicious. We sat down had another talk and I promised not to cyberstalk. I kept good on my promise. Things seemed to be going okay. I told him if he wanted to date/sleep with other people he could, but just not if he was dating/sleeping wtih me. I wanted a full reconciliation, but did not press for things because he needed space. I am sure I was super needy but I was so desperately in love with him. Meanwhile he is helping me with money when he can, and I am helping him find work. I am still spending holidays with his family, etc.

 

Last year I finally started to see that he was not really coming around. I even said to him "if there is no emerald city at the end of this yellow brick road I do not want to go down it." He spent all his time at my place and I was so happy to have him there, but when I asked about how things were he would say "well I am here, aren't I". Always the dismissive answers. Still tons of PORN on my computer. I said, hey, if this is what you want then I am game to try new things sexually, etc. I am open minded enough. But I had to guess what he wanted, he never came out and told me what it was! He is an incredible lover, and I wanted to reciprocate. Still, always me trying to communicate and him never really opening up like he did when we were first together.

 

I moved in Nov 2010 to a new place farther away. He barely helped me. I had to practically pack all of his stuff. In fact I moved and he didn't even come in to get his stuff until the last possible minute. We both have things together in a storage unit even now. I was so upset and tried to say things to push him away, but he said "what is up?" I said "guilt is not a good enough reason to be with someone". Also that I knew when I moved I would not see him and he would not visit me even though I am only 15 mins. by train.

 

Christmas 2010 I get his Mother to come over to his place to cook, do all the planning, gift buying, etc. like I always do/did. He tells me "oh I am spending Christmas eve with you, but going over to my friend's Christmas Day." WTF? We always spent Christmas together. I break down. He makes a call and then spends Christmas with me. But still uncommunicative. Always in the tv/ipod/text. Didn't even call/text me on New Year's Day. I start to bring books over to his place and every time he ignores me I just start reading.

 

Through all the winter I get infrequent calls. He only really asks me over once a week and rarely comes over to my new place. I have roommates, so does he. He doesn't seem interested in being affectionate or sex. Or if I say something he says he is tired from work. I let it go because I know he has debt and is working very hard. He goes from being very supportive, nice guy one minute and then not calling, emotionally unavailable the next. My self esteem is shot at this point. I am a shell of my former self.

 

In late May I got a text from his phone that said "hey why don't you hang out with someone else?" I wrote back "who the ***k is this?" they wrote back "so-and-sos girlfriend". I flipped and called his #. Called about four times and he finally calls me back about 30 minutes later and says "hey you called, what is up?" I tell him and he says someone at work got ahold of his phone and texted me because I am listed as "sweetie" in his phone. And the people at work hate him. I believe this (like an idiot) because the people at his job are very ghetto and do dislike him.

 

Go to Spring this year and he is very supportive and all around great guy that I remember early in the month of June. It was his birthday and it was the first year I didn't do something really great for him - I was out of town doing something for me. I get a guilt trip when I get back about how he didn't get a party, cake, etc. I say "well, do you see the effort I make for you?" Anyway I throw him a picnic a month after his bday and invite him, his friends, get someone to make a cake, buy food, plan everything. We all have a fun day in the park, but he is still distant, acting weird, and didn't even really thank me. Before he left he gives me a nice hug and says "we will spend some time together later this week" and takes off saying he has to work early the next day. Did not even say goodbye to some people. I go out of town on a short business trip and say I will call when I get back. He calls me and says that he is sick, I can come over, but he is tired. I am like "I am with my best friend" and he calls the next day to say he wants to stay with me. I always, always take very good care of him when he is sick. It just felt weird. His behavior, the things he talked about. I slept on the far end of the bed and could not sleep.

 

Three days later I stopped by his job because I was in the area. Light banter, maybe we will get together. He calls and reminds me that he has a big presentation in the AM the next day. I know that is important and that I understand. The next morning I open up an email account that I do not check frequently. There is an email from a woman(girl) saying that she used to date him until a week ago. She found out about the picnic and was sick of him juggling, lying, and being evasive. She emailed me because she figures I had been lied to as well. My earth literally cracked. I fell to my knees, like I did two years ago when he first left me. I called him Mother (very, very close to her) and said "no matter what happens I love you and always will." I forward the email to him. He shows up at my job hours later and is waiting for me when I get there. I couldn't even breathe. I walked into the back and waited until he left. My co-worker who knows both of us through the whole thing came back and was like "what is going on". I told him. I emailed the girl back and asked if she wanted to meet and my #. I got an email back at 12 midnight from him saying "are you f****** kidding me with this?" Still trying to lie. I email him back and say "You broke my heart. You lead me on. You could have told me that you wanted someone else. How many have there been." Meanwhile I do more email exchanges with the girlfriend and find out they have been seeing each other for a year, he told her loved her too, and he said I was his ex and he never saw me since he moved out. I also found his postings again on the forum he likes and it refers to his girlfriend (not me). I get an email from him a week later saying he had been busy at work and that he was sorry he caused me so much pain. He said something still to the effect that he was trying to lie and give an excuse about what happened. I wrote him back saying I love him, always have, always will, but if he does not love me and does not want to be with me I need to know. He wrote me back that he loves me, but nc for over a month now.

 

The moral of the story here is that I let him do all of these things to me. I should have taken my keys when he first left, established nc, and then moved on. He might have eventually found his way back or not. It was my insecurity that fed into everything. He is an immature, narcissist, thoughtless, hurtful, entitled, insecure. Everything was fine as long as I took care of him, but the minute I really needed a partner to lean on he threw me under the bus. I left many details out, but you get the gist of it. You can't make someone love you no matter how badly you want them to.

 

I am absolutely crushed by all of this. It has shaken me to my core and I am slowly, slowly trying to recover. I will get through this and move one. I have good days and bad days. Thanks for reading and hopefully somebody may get something out of this.

Edited August 16, 2011 by danceallday

[CaliBabe]

Gosh, you really went through alot with this man. Just remember you were a good woman to him and was always there, trust me people do not forget that. Stay strong, stick to NC because it works on getting YOU back. You have come to the right place for support, I wish you luck in your healing.

[danceallday]

Thank you so much for your response. It just helps so much that other people are out there to listen and help. I am going out on my first date in 12 years with a nice fellow. I just have to get my feet wet again. I won't play games, but want a decent guy to treat me well.

[aussie_bloke]

I am going out on my first date in 12 years with a nice fellow. I just have to get my feet wet again. I won't play games, but want a decent guy to treat me well.

 

Geez you have been through a trip and a half. Atleast its over now and you can get back to being yourself like calibabe said. Good on you for dating again, try to go in with no expectations as it seems things with your ex are still really fresh.

 

Best of luck!

[danceallday]

Thanks for the posts. I still love my ex, I mean truly love him. I know in my heart that I will love him to the day I die. But just because I love him doesn't mean I have to let him treat me like s*** anymore. He has many good qualities, but somewhere along the line he changed, shut me out, became uncommunicative, wasn't interested in being my friend, and most of all did not deal with his own personal demons. I think the other girlfriend thing was insecurity and obnoxious ego with a have your cake and eat it too mentality. The thing is I know his past, I know where he came from, He can't lie to me about things and I know he is embarrassed by some of it. I am close with his Mother and family. They never met this girl, so that means he mis-represented himself to her. It is easy to lie to someone new about who you are. I just think it is sad that he felt the need to do all that. I mean to be ashamed about who you are? And to carry on that way with two women? Being that insecure has got to suck.

 

I am working on my problems right now. I can be controlling and bitchy. But you know what? Bitches get s*** done. Instead of recognizing that things were spiraling out of control I let what was happening turn me into things I am not: whiny, needy, passive-aggressive, insecure. I am actually embarrassed now at my previous behavior. But I own that. No one did that but me. I have to apologize to myself and move one.

 

I went on my first date in 12 years last night and had a nice time. The guy was personable and a perfect gentleman. We are going to go out again and I think that is okay. No expectations, just out with a nice guy. I did it. I took my first baby step and I was okay.

[wilsonx]

People that don't know who they truly are lie about who they are because they just don't know. You know if you think long and hard about when you 2 first met, you can probably see that he did the same to you. He's not the same person now that you met years ago. You fell for someone without a strong sense of self identity. I am sorry that you had to deal with this for so long. In the end, it will make you a stronger person.

 

You could have been yourself as you say bitchy the entire relationship, the outcome would have been the same either way. You felt that he was distancing himself so you started to walk on eggshells around him. Its human nature to do this. I did it, we all do it. Its a lesson you have learned to always be yourself no matter what.

 

As far as dating so early on, why not take a break for a bit and work on making yourself happy first. One of the keys Ive noticed in life and people that are in relationships is that people that are hurt use other people's love as a cast to cover up their hurt. Hurt people can't love. In the end they can only hurt others.

[danceallday]

WilsonX thank you for your post. I read the other threads that you posted and I think what you say rings true. My ex has not faced his inner demons and does not know his place in this world. He was never accountable for his actions - it was always someone else's fault. I came from a stable, large family - we had our dysfunctions, but we are still a strong family. I tried to show him that world and he had no interest in it.

 

I have a theory that you can blame your parents up until 30. After 30 it is time for you to say "I am responsible for who I am" and recognize that your parents did the best they could and thank them for everything. Just a theory.

[LovelyDaze]

I went on my first date in 12 years last night and had a nice time. The guy was personable and a perfect gentleman. We are going to go out again and I think that is okay. No expectations, just out with a nice guy. I did it. I took my first baby step and I was okay.

 

That's it. One baby step at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself with any expectations. Have a great time getting to know this new guy and watch for red flags. If you see them, make sure it is either addressed or all out get away as fast as you can. You don't want to come back on LS about THAT guy.

[danceallday]

Ironically when this video came out me and my ex loved it because we are both dancers. Didn't know it would be his anthem.

 

[betterdeal]

Is that Sagrada Família as your picture? Stunning building.

[danceallday]

@betterdeal - yes! The picture does not do it justice. I was so moved by all of the architecture by Gaudi. I don't think words can describe how beautiful all of the architecture in Barcelona is.

 

On my own personal struggles, today is week 5 of nc. I miss him everyday and still love him very much. For me it was true love. I guess it just wasn't for him I feel depressed, betrayed, sick, overwhelmed, and pick any other feeling you can think of. I really wish I could just fall out of love, but I know the moving on/healing stuff takes time. I know my journey will be long because I was with him for so long.

 

I am also going to close down my internet dating account. I don't think I have any business subjecting another human to my emotional can of worms.

 

Thanks for reading.

[betterdeal]

If all goes well with my new job I'll be moving out there soon. I love it!

 

That's a very good idea to close your dating account. I'm 6 months ahead of you in terms of having left a difficult relationship, and it does get easier. Now I feel normal, myself, pretty much healed. I have scars (quite literally, actually) but I am a much better man for taking the time to process all the feelings, look at what I what I can improve on in myself, not getting involved with someone else, and addressing issues in my relationships with friends & family. Life will get so much better for you in a really short space of time, believe me.

 

Have you read "getting past your breakup" by Susan J. Elliott? I liked that book. Helped me to set a roadmap to recovery, and I think you will like it too.

[danceallday]

@betterdeal - thank you so much for your post. I am going to get the book on my Nook. I also found the site Baggage Reclaim - I got the free sample of the e book No Contact Rule and I went down the checklist. I had a lot of things checked off, so it seems like I am handling this the best way I know how.

 

I just thought at this point I would be further along in my healing, I know people say the first month is the hardest. Really do I have to wait about 3 months to feel better?

[betterdeal]

It takes about a season to feel a significant difference, yes. However, it's not a waiting game. Even if superficially you feel you are just waiting for something to happen, to change, there are changes going on under the hood. Your inner self, your subconscious will be readjusting to the new metaphysical landscape you are now in. This is sometimes called the inner child, and I like the analogy (there are some good books which I can recommend if you like). This is where your emotions emanate from. It is the real part of you. Like a child, it's quite simple and pure. It responds best to clear, constructive and consistent signals. Your inner parent therefore will do best to provide those signals. Things such as

 

It's over

It's okay

I understand

You're good

We're good

I'm good

 

Acknowledging the feelings you're having inside will give your inner child the validation it requires - it needs to be heard - and using your words to support it through this upset will encourage acceptance of the new landscape in which it finds itself. Finding other things that entertain it, that make it feel good, will also help you, your inner you, move on. Just like a child... give it good food, play time, structure, good sleep, exercise, encouragement and understanding and you'll find yourself feeling better a bit by bit every day. Some days you might be a bit blue, and some you might make leaps and bounds. But overall all, you'll be growing upwards.

 

You're doing really well already. Keep at it.

Edited August 20, 2011 by betterdeal

[danceallday]

Betterdeal - thank you so very much. I love the inner child information. I am a dancer (retired) and we are so connected with our bodies and are so acutely aware of things physically. I find myself unable to dance right now because I cannot feel my center at all. Your center is in your solar plexus or core. I was never great at pirouettes (turns) and I find myself not able to even rotate. This is so disturbing to me because dance has been my solace through everything. I even did a liturgical dance at my Mother's funeral because it was the only thing I could give and the only way I knew how to say goodbye and she always liked when we danced in church. But I just can't seem to make myself go to class and when I am there I feel like I cannot feel my body.

 

I guess I do need some of those books.

 

Thank you everybody for all the comments and encouragement.

[betterdeal]

You're welcome. Some say the stomach is our second brain, given the amount of nerves there. When we're stressed, it can feel tense and disconnected. Do you do breathing exercises? I found that yoga breathing helped me reconnect mind and body. Two of my teachers are also dancers, so it seems yoga is a pretty good channel for dancers too.

 

As for books, I liked "Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self" which uses the inner child / subconscious concept. He references his other books a bit too much and rattles on about God too often for my liking, but otherwise, it's a good exploration of the idea.

 

Another thing I recommend is finding a good massage therapist and treating yourself to a massage. Really can help release emotional knots and help you reconnect with yourself.

[ConfusedT]

hi dance! I'm so sorry for everything you went through and my ex, although very different stories, had an entire other relationship with his ex the entire time as well. She knew about me and continued to be with him behind my back, but I didn't know about her. I don't even know when they saw each other because I thought we were always together.

 

sigh, well im here for you, we all are!

[danceallday]

@confusedt - that is horrible. I had no clue about this other person. I thanked her for her email. If she had not taken it upon herself to contact me the stupidity with my ex would have continued.

 

On the flip side of it, he got kicked to the curb by two women at once. Don't mess with girls.

[ConfusedT]

I didn't know either. So sad that people treat others that way!

she has been his "main chick" (as he so eloquently described it) for years before me, refused to make her his girlfriend and little did i know decided that having both was better than having one?!

 

He told me all of that and because I was so broken down by all the slow emotional degrading things he was doing to me, i still begged him back, to change for me, to try to work things out, AFTER EVERYTHING he did. i am so embarassed by it now and although I have broken NC since then, it wasn't for begging purposes.

 

(I actually found out he had took some girl on a date IN MY CAR, i was livid and couldn't handle it & texted him to no avail=/)

 

i dont fathom how people can just be so dishonest & not care, but this will make me stronger and a better person! hopefully, the red flags will burn holes into my eyes next round if there are any, lol!!

 

& good that you dumped his ass immediately, grrrrrr, i wish i would have!!!

[danceallday]

Update: week 6 of nc and I am still going through a lot of ups and downs. Yesterday my ex made his Mother call me to see if I was okay after the earthquake. WTF? He didn't care how I was before.

 

I saw him today at the studio we both dance in, but I was able to slip by and I don't think he saw me. I hyperventilated through the first part of my class, but was able to calm down by the end. Hurray for me.

[betterdeal]

Good for you! You're doing well. Change your phone number and stop him and his womenfolk calling you.

[danceallday]

Week six plus for me with nc. I am still going through all the ups and downs and every emotion possible. I will probably see my ex sometime this week in class and I get chest pains just thinking about it.

[danceallday]

Seven weeks nc. I still feel terrible.

[danceallday]

In my 7th week of nc. It still hurts and I think about my ex everyday. But I am getting stronger. I can feel it, and I am gaining perspective on things. I am much better off than last month, but I know that I will always love this guy.

[visualbasicide]

sorry to hear it dance, you are way to nice for all of that. Don't fall into the "shoulda woulda coulda" routine, it's like a hamster in a wheel, using alot of energy and going nowhere.

 

Just stay NC, do the vent posting and the music and find out things that make you happy. I don't think we ever stop loving them, we just stop putting up with them at some point. At the end of the day, I don't think we could have done anything different, they left and we didn't, helps me sleep at night knowing I was still willing to fight for it.

 

I'm pro hobby. I think it helps to focus on something meaningful to you and you find expressive or engaging, very constructive way to spend your time. I myself didn't feel much like it 7 weeks out but eventually I found one and it has helped me a lot. Then again, if you have read any of my other posts, I pretty much suggest this to everyone at some point though from what I have read of other peoples posts, it does seem to help them. Hang in there and we will be here for support if you need us.