Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Here is how my thoughts have developed and where I am at now. I have been considering all the input, I just have not had the chance to reply to everyone. I feel much better about the whole issue, that’s for sure. I am not as anxious about it now with so much consideration. What I have decided now, in a semi-organized way: My priority is in being his wife. My focus is on our marriage and on our home. I will support my husband as a parent, but I will not take on a parenting role. I am not a mother/parent. Step-mom is a misnomer for me. I just don’t identify with that title at all. His kids are his flesh & blood. Fortunately they are very sweet kids, and a lot of fun, too. I don’t see any issue with living with these kids. I want us to have a happy home together. It is strictly the parenting responsibilities then that I will not be involved with. Obviously, as an adult, I will take care of what needs to be taken care of, but I will never forget that I am not the parent and that the parental responsibilities are not mine. My love and care for his children is really for the people they are, not from any kind of parental view, but as a woman. The whole mother to child/child to mother relationship and intimacy is not to be expected to be given or received in any way.I have also decided what "parental responsibilities" mean to me. Parental responsibilities with the children, for me, mean: - Grooming (hygiene, hair, clothes) - Feeding/diet - Education (including homework) - Daily schedules/activities (including transportation) - Healthcare - All financial responsibilities - All child/adolescent development responsibilities (emotional, social, behavioral, for example) As far as misbehavior goes, I’ve never seen anything that I had to interfere with. They just don’t misbehave in any sort of big way, and when they do it may be a little bit of attitude here and there or some sort of sibling conflict. I don’t know how this will change once I move in but I’m not concerned with it now. Again, I feel much better now and am in a much better space. I have definitely switched gears and feel more at ease with the issue that was at hand. Of course what’s next, now that I am more grounded, is to come to some sort of agreement with the fiancé about all this.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Don't get me wrong, I will help and care for the kids, but more as a support to my husband then as if the kids were my own. If that makes sense. It is obligatory, even, to support my future husband. It is not obligatory for me to take on the responsibilities of raising kids.
nittygritty Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Don't get me wrong, I will help and care for the kids, but more as a support to my husband then as if the kids were my own. If that makes sense. It is obligatory, even, to support my future husband. It is not obligatory for me to take on the responsibilities of raising kids. If his kids mother were to die the day after your wedding in a tragic accident, would your ability to remain free of responsibility and obligation towards your husband and stepchildren change then?
threebyfate Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 MJ, while I understand where you're coming from, it's important that you and your fiance discuss your vision of how the dynamics would work. But...when push comes to shove, you will find yourself choiceless in the matter if you want the home to run smoothly. This is exactly why when single, I chose not to date men with children. The thought of parenting someone else's children which includes having to repair baggage within the children, wasn't a role I was prepared to take on.
Art_Critic Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Art shakes his head... Joolie.. If I was to be your husband and you really felt that way you just laid out then I wouldn't be marrying you.. sorry... I want a partner in marriage to be with and that includes parenting.. I certainly wouldn't want my wife sitting on the couch eating chips while I have to juggle raising the kids and being part of the household.. I hope you have that talk with your future hubby.. so that you both can work thru these issues because this one is HUGE. What you are missing is that you are asking him to become part of your household but you are not willing to become part of his. You are asking him to meld two homes and be responsible for your home but you won't be responsible for the home he is melding into yours. It just won't work.. have you never been around kids before ? Do you understand that your stance will create much friction and resentment ? and to ask Nitty's question.. what will happen if his ex wife dies or he becomes the custodial parent ?
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 If his kids mother were to die the day after your wedding in a tragic accident, would your ability to remain free of responsibility and obligation towards your husband and stepchildren change then? Yes, my ability to remain free of the responsibilities would change. Under that tragic circumstance it does make sense to step in as a step-mom. As it is though, the mom is very active in the children's lives. They operate as a family but in two households. They are divorced because their marriage didn't work, but they get the parenting done together all right. Lots of little bickerings go back and forth but they get it done overall. The mom is very present. No need for a step-mom. So then what? I feel very free to create who I am going to be. NOT a third parent.
turnera Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 - Grooming (hygiene, hair, clothes) - Feeding/diet - Education (including homework) - Daily schedules/activities (including transportation) - Healthcare - All financial responsibilities - All child/adolescent development responsibilities (emotional, social, behavioral, for example) Wow. So, when he's helping Johnny put on his boots, and Sally comes out of the bathroom with a pair of scissors in her hand and about to cut off half her hair, you're going to keep looking through that magazine in your hands as you sit on the couch waiting for him to get done with his 'parenting responsibilities'? And, when dear hubby shouts at you to get the scissors away from her, and you shrug and say 'not my job', and she proceeds to give herself a mohawk, and hubby then turns on YOU and says 'why the hell didn't you take those scissors from her?!' and you shrug again and repeat 'not my job' and he screams at you to get the hell out of his house...will you then still justify your position? Yeah, good luck with that. Come back in about a year after you marry, and let us know how it turned out.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 MJ, while I understand where you're coming from, it's important that you and your fiance discuss your vision of how the dynamics would work. But...when push comes to shove, you will find yourself choiceless in the matter if you want the home to run smoothly. Yes, I realize it's a huge discussion. It's been very important for me to discuss home life, how it's going to be, before continuing plans for moving in or the wedding. I know we have to get on the same page with this. I do understand that - like it or not, my time or his time - time must be given to his children, and I won't always be able to control this. I don't want to try and control the situation at all. I just want us to get an idea together of how home life will be with me, the kids... ex-wife even. This is exactly why when single, I chose not to date men with children. The thought of parenting someone else's children which includes having to repair baggage within the children, wasn't a role I was prepared to take on. Yes. And I will not take it on, as you can see. They are not "bad kids" in the least bit, so I don't feel any "repairs" or changes are necessary...but the raising is done you could say. Next thing for them is growing into adolescence and into their independence.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Art shakes his head... Joolie.. If I was to be your husband and you really felt that way you just laid out then I wouldn't be marrying you.. sorry... I want a partner in marriage to be with and that includes parenting.. I certainly wouldn't want my wife sitting on the couch eating chips while I have to juggle raising the kids and being part of the household.. I hope you have that talk with your future hubby.. so that you both can work thru these issues because this one is HUGE. What you are missing is that you are asking him to become part of your household but you are not willing to become part of his. You are asking him to meld two homes and be responsible for your home but you won't be responsible for the home he is melding into yours. It just won't work.. have you never been around kids before ? Do you understand that your stance will create much friction and resentment ? and to ask Nitty's question.. what will happen if his ex wife dies or he becomes the custodial parent ? Well your posts just hurt, because I know you are a well-seasoned man and father, and I take your words to heart. It hurts because if he is truly looking for a "step-mom" for his kids, then I cannot be it. I love kids. I would love to have my own, too. The reason I am adamant about my choice to not raise kids is because I fully intend to settle down and finish my education now. I need to settle down, not busy things up again. I am very pleased with and proud of my last 10 years, wouldn't trade them if I could, but I chose (in my early 20's) to pursue a variety of other experiences/activities rather than complete my education right away. It's always been my intention to complete my college education, and it's never been my intention to have kids. So I missed the kid boat and must stay on course now. I choose not to raise kids, and the fiance doesn't want to have any more. So that's that. I must carry on with my goals and activities with raising children absolutely not being one of them. It's magnificently terrible to be understood as if I don't love children though. I do, very much.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 Wow. So, when he's helping Johnny put on his boots, and Sally comes out of the bathroom with a pair of scissors in her hand and about to cut off half her hair, you're going to keep looking through that magazine in your hands as you sit on the couch waiting for him to get done with his 'parenting responsibilities'? And, when dear hubby shouts at you to get the scissors away from her, and you shrug and say 'not my job', and she proceeds to give herself a mohawk, and hubby then turns on YOU and says 'why the hell didn't you take those scissors from her?!' and you shrug again and repeat 'not my job' and he screams at you to get the hell out of his house...will you then still justify your position? Yeah, good luck with that. Come back in about a year after you marry, and let us know how it turned out. I think you missed this part of my previous post: It is strictly the parenting responsibilities then that I will not be involved with. Obviously, as an adult, I will take care of what needs to be taken care of, but I will never forget that I am not the parent and that the parental responsibilities are not mine.My love and care for his children is really for the people they are, not from any kind of parental view, but as a woman. The whole mother to child/child to mother relationship and intimacy is not to be expected to be given or received in any way.
nittygritty Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 Yes. And I will not take it on, as you can see. They are not "bad kids" in the least bit, so I don't feel any "repairs" or changes are necessary...but the raising is done you could say. Next thing for them is growing into adolescence and into their independence. At 10 and 12 years old "the raising" is not done. They are approaching some difficult years as teenagers that can strain even the best of marriages. Regardless of what you want, you are going to be viewed by everyone that you and your husband and the kids know, as the stepmom of these kids. Are you okay with having the image of being a bad stepmom, who is unwilling to take on any type of parenting role or responsibility and obligation to his kids?
nittygritty Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 Yes, my ability to remain free of the responsibilities would change. Under that tragic circumstance it does make sense to step in as a step-mom. As it is though, the mom is very active in the children's lives. They operate as a family but in two households. They are divorced because their marriage didn't work, but they get the parenting done together all right. Lots of little bickerings go back and forth but they get it done overall. The mom is very present. No need for a step-mom. So then what? I feel very free to create who I am going to be. NOT a third parent. How do they handle the holidays and the kids birthdays? Do they celebrate at both households separately or have one celebration together as a family? How do you plan to fit in to holiday and birthday celebrations? Will you be helping to prepare holiday meals, buy and wrap gifts for his kids, plan parties etc.? Or is it going to exclusively be him and his ex celebrating holidays and birthdays with the kids while you make other plans for yourself?
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2011 Posted August 20, 2011 So I missed the kid boat and must stay on course now. I choose not to raise kids, and the fiance doesn't want to have any more. So that's that. I must carry on with my goals and activities with raising children absolutely not being one of them. It's magnificently terrible to be understood as if I don't love children though. I do, very much. I didn't mean for my posts to hurt.. but I did mean for them to stick around in your head some.. Your posts come off to me as someone who has a big heart and no..you don't come off as someone who hates kids..but maybe just a little naive on how things are going to lay down in your marriage. I will say though after reading your replies that you do have some thoughts that maybe many soon to be step parents have.. you don't want things to change because they are cool the way they are.. After thinking about it more I would also like to say that your soon to be husbands thoughts on this are probably most of whether or not your thoughts are golden or not.. If he doesn't have any problems with it and he has it worked out with his ex then maybe some of those things you are looking for ARE attainable. I will say though that the children might not think about things the way you do and may very well want you to be a bigger part of their lives as time goes by and how prepared you are when that happens will affect if you hurt them or not.. Good luck with things..I didn't mean to come off as a naysayer and want you to be happy in your new life.. No step family follows any guidelines and many times it all has to be made up on the fly.. It also might help you if you get some books of blending families, if nothing more than for some pointers on how to handle things in the future...
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 At 10 and 12 years old "the raising" is not done. They are approaching some difficult years as teenagers that can strain even the best of marriages. Regardless of what you want, you are going to be viewed by everyone that you and your husband and the kids know, as the stepmom of these kids. Are you okay with having the image of being a bad stepmom, who is unwilling to take on any type of parenting role or responsibility and obligation to his kids? Family will know the mom is still active in the kid's lives. I think people are curious at most to find out who I will with the kids. If they judge me poorly, it's on them, because I don't intend to be a "bad stepmom". I guess it is time to consider how the children might view me though. Haven't thought that through yet. They like me well enough but I don't think they are clear at all on who I am going to be for them. I don't want them to assume one thing or another, I want to be responsible for who I am for these kids of course.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 How do they handle the holidays and the kids birthdays? Do they celebrate at both households separately or have one celebration together as a family? How do you plan to fit in to holiday and birthday celebrations? Will you be helping to prepare holiday meals, buy and wrap gifts for his kids, plan parties etc.? Or is it going to exclusively be him and his ex celebrating holidays and birthdays with the kids while you make other plans for yourself? Honestly, this is the worst part. Yesterday, for example, I went with fiance to drop of kids at a birthday party about an hour away. We then spent time in the area together, picked up his kids and continued our day. It was their cousin's birthday party, their cousin from the ex-wife's side of the family. It's the oddest thing to be around her side of the family at all, as the new wife stepping in. Very uncomfortable. It's always like that at birthdays. When fiance's son or daughter have a party, the ex-wife and her family are there. Very uncomfortable, but I just have to shrug that one off. It's a kid's birthday, after all, for heaven's sake. I already pitch in when these events come around... picking up the cake, food prep, housecleaning, etc., whatever I can lend a hand in. Nothing will change on that front. The mom and dad always plan out these things together. I can always lend a hand. Her family will always be there. That's the case for birthday's anyway. When it come to holidays, the kids go back and forth between the mom and dad. They don't celebrate other holidays together. That would be weird.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I didn't mean for my posts to hurt.. but I did mean for them to stick around in your head some.. I didn't take it personally as if you meant to hurt me. Rather it just triggered in me the realization that my fiance may very well want that co-parent in his life. I cannot force myself to take on a parenting role for their children. That leaves him the choice to want to find someone who will. I don't intend to sit on the sofa eating potato chips. lol. I just want to have these years when he is still raising kids (till they are in college, I imagine) work for everyone. Don't want any hard feelings in the end. Have to be creative in filling this so called role. Your posts come off to me as someone who has a big heart and no..you don't come off as someone who hates kids..but maybe just a little naive on how things are going to lay down in your marriage. Well, I just want to be prepared, have a plan. I may sound naive but I think it's smart to say how it's going to go and come to terms with what we both want going forward in this regard. I am working out my half now, but we have to come to agreement together. My goal is to be responsible in who I say I'm going to be in our marriage, and with these kids. After thinking about it more I would also like to say that your soon to be husbands thoughts on this are probably most of whether or not your thoughts are golden or not.. If he doesn't have any problems with it and he has it worked out with his ex then maybe some of those things you are looking for ARE attainable. This weekend was a busy family weekend. His parents were in town and he had his kids. We haven't discussed this yet but when we do in the next week or so, I hope we can create something attainable together. My intentions are good, but I really need my intentions to be clear. I will say though that the children might not think about things the way you do and may very well want you to be a bigger part of their lives as time goes by and how prepared you are when that happens will affect if you hurt them or not.. Oy. I haven't thought about how the children might view me or what they might want from me. I think the golden thought here is that we share our lives together going forward. To me, that doesn't oblige me to be the third parent. It does provide me the opportunity to listen and care for and be a part of their lives. For me, there is a line between parenting and simply being a part of their lives. Good luck with things..I didn't mean to come off as a naysayer and want you to be happy in your new life.. No step family follows any guidelines and many times it all has to be made up on the fly.. It also might help you if you get some books of blending families, if nothing more than for some pointers on how to handle things in the future... Thank you. I've been searching for books already. I can't say the internet articles I've come across have hit the mark. Hopefully I'll find a good book written about it all, but I know that every situation is a unique one and takes a good amount of discussion.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 21, 2011 Author Posted August 21, 2011 I am resolute then that I will not be taking on a parenting role. This is huge because I'll have to ask if he rather have a co-parent. I have to give up sounding rigid, but be firm in what I want. I have to really start listening for how I can be a part of these kids lives in a way that works for everyone.
bac Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 If you are going to get married the guy, who knows how the situation might turn out? It might turn out that you are going to live with the children in the same house in the future. It might turn out that you are going to live with the kids' husbands/wives and get busy with their kids as a step-grandmother. Your husband will put their interests first (not your interests) because they are his kids. He can change a wife anytime but the kids are always going to be his kids.
Eve Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 At the end of the day, I suppose the key is whether the OP will actively inhibit protective feelings developing for the children. This will be the marker that the kids and future Hubby would eventually notice. Take care, Eve x
LAMARQ Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Hello, I've had 2 "step" situations. With my 2nd husband we tried to be one big happy family (we both had 2 boys from previous marriages). I think it would have worked and been great if we didn't have other issues (his infidelities), but it didn't work and we weren't one big happy family. My other situation I vowed not to make the same mistakes, etc. I wasn't married to the man, but he had 4 kids from 2 other marriages and I had my same 2 boys. His 2nd exW was hell on wheels and dragged him to court if I even breathed around her kids. They loved me and got excited when I was around which just made things worse as she would scold them. Anyway, we did all live together and I was friendly with the kids and a playmate to the younger ones, but I did nothing for them and he really did nothing regarding my boys. But we talked about it before moving in. We knew we weren't one big happy family. We knew we were 2 families living in the same house. Once in a while we would have to be the supervising adult with each others kids, but it was rare. If he had his kids and I didn't have mine, I would spend more time out with friends or in our room watching tv, reading, etc. to give them time in the main part of the house. It worked for us because we talked about it and decided our roles. So it can be done, but be sure your boyfriend has an understanding of what you want your role to be or not be. Best wishes!
linwood Posted August 21, 2011 Posted August 21, 2011 Ms.Joolie, I sit here giggling at your naivety. My apologies but you haven`t a clue about what you`re in for. I am a step-parent and a bio-parent and trust me when I tell you parenting your own kids is a breeze compared with parenting step-kids. I myself have completed what is known as "disengagement" regarding my step-kids. What that means is I stay as hands off with their parenting as I possibly can. Even with my disengagement my parenting of them is tenfold what you describe as being what you expect. However the type of life with your man and his kids you describe in this thread is simply a fantasy. When I got married I gave up having a "girlfriend" and gained a partner. What you describe as your ideal in this relationship is nothing more than the role of "girlfriend". I really think you should talk to your man about this in the same way you`ve been discussing it here. You`re attitude would be a definite deal breaker for me concerning any possible commitment to you. Sorry
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) Your husband will put their interests first (not your interests) because they are his kids. He keeps everyone in mind and it doesn't ever feel to me like he is ignoring my interests in place of the kids. Rather, I see that he is head deep in daddy waters, that's his world. With kids and the house he has to raise the kids (3 bedroom/2.5 bath, pool), I feel like I am stepping into his world rather than we are building one together. This stings. And it's a huge reason I am confused as to my part into his world. Today I will bring all this up with him, just to begin (or continue) getting this out in the open for us. I don't want to come on like his having kids is a dealbreaker, hah. Obviously it hasn't been. We just need to discuss these kinds of things before moving forward. At least, I do. He tends to be a person who lives in the present for these kind of things... whereas I tend to be a future-based thinker. Edited August 22, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 At the end of the day, I suppose the key is whether the OP will actively inhibit protective feelings developing for the children. This will be the marker that the kids and future Hubby would eventually notice. Take care, Eve x I can't say I will relate to the protective feelings that come natural with parents for the children. I think a mom or dad's protective feelings will be dramatically different for their offspring than an adult's responsibility with a child or children.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 It worked for us because we talked about it and decided our roles. So it can be done, but be sure your boyfriend has an understanding of what you want your role to be or not be. Best wishes! Thank you for the encouragement and best wishes, LAMARQ. I have plenty idea of what I don't want my role to be... just need to work on what we do want my role to be. What I don't want is to be expected to be a parent (another parent) for these kids. What I do want is to enjoy creating our home together, and sharing our lives. It's mainly a shift of perspetive in how I go about day-to-day life, and how they view me in their day-to-day life, I think.
Author Ms. Joolie Posted August 22, 2011 Author Posted August 22, 2011 I sit here giggling at your naivety. My apologies but you haven`t a clue about what you`re in for. No one really knows what they are in for with marriage, and it helps to look ahead in any situation and think about what you want, how it's going to go, and get an idea of what needs to be communicated. It's the purpose of this thread. When I got married I gave up having a "girlfriend" and gained a partner. What you describe as your ideal in this relationship is nothing more than the role of "girlfriend". I want to be a wife partner and not a parent partner. I do distinguish being a wife from being a girlfriend. You`re attitude would be a definite deal breaker for me concerning any possible commitment to you. If you were looking for a parent partner, I would understand.
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