ls32ssibm Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Howdy. Here it goes. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for nearly 5 months and get along great. We are both 23 and are very much in love. Here's the problem; We rarely have opportunities to have sex or get physical and when they arise she is never in the mood and almost always shoots me down. If we have sex once a week that's better than usual. If I'm turned on she doesn't consider things like giving me a handjob but rather tells me to have "self-control". To make matters worse, she is the hottest girlfriend I've had physically as well and am super-attracted to her. I keep saying I'll have self-control, but when we are cuddling and she's rubbed up against me watching a movie or something it's hard, and I tend to get aggravated when she just pulls away when I try to kiss her at that point. Basically, 100% of our fights (literally 100%) are caused by her not putting out and me being a complete jerk about it afterward. I know sex isn't the most important thing but my situation can be difficult for me and I don't want to lose her because of this problem.
make me believe Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 AHHH it kills me to see somebody's partner slamming them & making them feel guilty & shameful for having a NORMAL, HEALTHY sex drive! Sex is extremely important in a relationship and it is just mean of your girlfriend to make you feel bad and tell you to "have self-control" just because you express a normal sexual desire. This is a huuuuuuge red flag, especially at only five months in! Do NOT waste anymore time on this chick. It's NOT going to get better and YOU are not doing anything wrong (other than being a jerk about it afterwards). She doesn't like sex, and that isn't likely to change. You are in for years of misery if you stay with her. Seriously. Go over to the marriage section & read some of the threads in there about sexless marriages.
Author ls32ssibm Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 I see what you are saying but I'm not sure if it's wise to throw away a great connection because of sex. This is a girl who wrote me 3-5 letters a week when I was at Marine OCS and always makes time to see me even when she's worked a 12 hour day and is dead tired. I love her so much but my sex drive just surpasses hers.
Cypress25 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Perhaps the two of you should have a calm, civilized conversation about it during a non-intimate moment (i.e., don't wait until you're spooning and your dick gets hard to mention it). You could start by asking her why she's never in the mood. If you ask in a non-accusatory manner, you might learn something interesting. (Maybe she doesn't like the way you kiss, or maybe your style of foreplay is a turnoff to her.) Arguing about it isn't doing any good, but maybe you'll make progress if you try a calm discussion instead.
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Perhaps the two of you should have a calm, civilized conversation about it during a non-intimate moment (i.e., don't wait until you're spooning and your dick gets hard to mention it). You could start by asking her why she's never in the mood. If you ask in a non-accusatory manner, you might learn something interesting. (Maybe she doesn't like the way you kiss, or maybe your style of foreplay is a turnoff to her.) Arguing about it isn't doing any good, but maybe you'll make progress if you try a calm discussion instead. I would do this.... Want some background info, you say she is very hot, but has she put on some weight recently, even if its just a few pounds that might make her feel insecure? Has it always been this way since you two started getting physical?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 yes, differences in sex drives plague people of all ages. One thing you will need to learn though, is that some (maybe most) women would love affection that doesn't instantly end up with your dick inside her. It's called 'going for the gold'... and gets boring pretty quick. I'd agree with one of the other posters too. Being 23, you probably don't know much about foreplay. Maybe that's not you. Sorry... just remember the unsatisfying sex I was handed when I was your girlfriend's age. Wouldn't go back to those years for anything. I second the suggestion that you have some friendly and playful discussions when you aren't rare'in to go. Some other reading to make it more enjoyable for her might be in order too. This comes in handy as you get older too. You've got, oh, about 20-30 years to become a PRO at all things that don't require a rock-hard penis before you reach the unfortunate sex cliff so many men I've met fall off of when they get into their late 40's-early 50's. Plenty of time Have fun!!
sm1tten Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Might there be a reason her sex drive is low? Like she's morally/religiously opposed? Or she finds sex disgusting? Not a touchy-feely person? Insecure about her body? Inexperienced with sex? Anythng like that? It seems to me that someone has to compromise. Either she has to be willing to be more sexual with you to help satisfy her needs, or you need to exercise more self control when you're around her and satisfy your own needs.
utterer of lies Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I see what you are saying but I'm not sure if it's wise to throw away a great connection because of sex. I guess what you are actually thinking is - you don't want to let go of such a hot girlfriend just because of sex. But you are obviously not getting your needs met. So better just start accepting that she isn't the one for you, no matter how hot she is.
Cypress25 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I guess what you are actually thinking is - you don't want to let go of such a hot girlfriend just because of sex. Actually, I think he's saying they have a great emotional connection and they click in terms of personality. Believe it or not, that matters to some people. And it's hard to find, so I understand why the OP wouldn't want to throw that away. But you are obviously not getting your needs met. So better just start accepting that she isn't the one for you, no matter how hot she is. Clearly, there's more to this girl than just being hot. You're suggesting that he give up without even trying, but it sounds like this problem could be easily solved with an adult conversation. People who end relationships as soon as they encounter one minor problem have a lot of growing up to do.
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I guess what you are actually thinking is - you don't want to let go of such a hot girlfriend just because of sex. But you are obviously not getting your needs met. So better just start accepting that she isn't the one for you, no matter how hot she is. Seems a little harsh to me...just because she is the most attractive person he has been with, doesnt make that the only reason he is with her....
ascendotum Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 'she is never in the mood and almost always shoots me down' combined with 'To make matters worse, she is the hottest girlfriend I've had'. This made me laugh, sorry OP. Its like a wish in the movie Bedazzled. I can't see things changing all that much for you in the near term, since you should still be in the relationship honeymoon phase, and ideally going at it like minx. When you do have sex is she proactive or does she just lie back? If her enthusiasm is lacklustre even when you do it, then thats not good, otherwise, try to work out what's different about the times she is willing. Is she on any medication? (the pill can also adversly effect some women's libido). Look it just might be she has a low libido, and you two are mismatched on this, and that sucks. I totally agree with the others on having a discussion with her. You might learn something along the lines of what TAL discussed.
utterer of lies Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Actually, I think he's saying they have a great emotional connection and they click in terms of personality. Believe it or not, that matters to some people. And it's hard to find, so I understand why the OP wouldn't want to throw that away. Well, if the emotional connection was so great, why isn't the girlfriend more considerate towards his needs? He mentioned he's always getting shot down, she only talks about self-control and won't even give handjobs... So what are his options? Trying to change her sex drive? Good luck with that. Clearly, there's more to this girl than just being hot. You're suggesting that he give up without even trying, but it sounds like this problem could be easily solved with an adult conversation. People who end relationships as soon as they encounter one minor problem have a lot of growing up to do. He is obviously trying, and has been for 5 months, and it's not working (100% of fights because of sex). Seems a little harsh to me...just because she is the most attractive person he has been with, doesnt make that the only reason he is with her.... Of course not. But five months are enough time to determine initial compatibility.
Casablanca Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Of course not. But five months are enough time to determine initial compatibility. And if sex is the only compatiblity issue than that is something that CAN be talked about, she may have had a bad past with being physical, abusive BFs, touched too young by someone she trust, etc
utterer of lies Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 And if sex is the only compatiblity issue than that is something that CAN be talked about, she may have had a bad past with being physical, abusive BFs, touched too young by someone she trust, etc Sure. Look, I don't say there's no chance. But in my experience, if they didn't manage to talk (reasonably) about the thing that's causing 100% of their fights, and finding a compromise...I don't think it's likely that this will change. There are exceptions to everything, but ..well... poor guy.
D-Lish Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 It sounds like a sex drive issue- and as another poster has said, good luck changing that. I have been with a partner with a low libido and it only got worse.
Author ls32ssibm Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 An update for you folks; I originally posted this thread after I was distraught after yet another blue-ball argument. Since then, I had a serious talk with her about this. Her initial response was that she didn't think she was that prude and the issue, she thought, was that I "try" to get laid too much. This made me a little irritated as I believe I have a pretty average sex drive. Long convo short, I promised her I would stop getting mad if she wasn't in the mood and she in exchange said she would be willing to engage in sexual activities besides intercourse if sex wasn't an option at a given moment. One thing about our relationship is that we don't really change WHO WE ARE but will change stupid habits for each other, for example I try not to swear in front of her since she says it's a turn off for a guy to do so. We'll see gents. I know it may sound asinine but I do love this girl and the thought of losing her, especially because of solely my pecker, makes me sick to my stomach.
Casablanca Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 We'll see gents. I know it may sound asinine but I do love this girl and the thought of losing her, especially because of solely my pecker, makes me sick to my stomach. Does sound you like you really do love her!
somedude81 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 As somebody already asked, is she on the pill? One common side effect is a diminished sex drive.
FitChick Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 She said she wasn't. Maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant if she isn't using birth control.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 She said she wasn't. Does she have any other medicine she takes?? A TON of common medications diminish female sex drive. A common anti-depressent literally takes away all sex drive to the point where you are sitting in your sweats weraing a snuggie not having showered in 5 days. Other medications can do the same. It could be a medicine thing or she could be going through a lot of stress, that could happen too.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Does she have any other medicine she takes?? A TON of common medications diminish female sex drive. A common anti-depressent literally takes away all sex drive to the point where you are sitting in your sweats weraing a snuggie not having showered in 5 days. Other medications can do the same. It could be a medicine thing or she could be going through a lot of stress, that could happen too. Wow what type of anti-depressant is that???
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Wow what type of anti-depressant is that??? There are a lot actually, any anitdepressent which is an SSRI has sexual side effects, those includ Zoloft,Lustral,Celexa,Lexapro, Cipralex,Paxil, Seroxat,Prozac, and Luvox. SSRIs are selective seratonin reuptake inhibators, they are one of the most commonly prescribed medicines for depression. Not all of these are as seriously harming to sex drive though and everyone's body chemistry will react differently to the medicine.
nyc_guy2003 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 she is the hottest girlfriend I've had physically Please elaborate.
Author ls32ssibm Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Please elaborate. Banging body. Toned stomach, tight butt, the cutest face, the prettiest blue eyes.....ugh I should stop
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