jmargel Posted May 4, 2004 Posted May 4, 2004 Please take my advice and see a marriage councilor. I don't know how many times I can say this, but you cannot fix these problems by yourself. It's also a good start to see one before getting married. It sets things off on the right foot.
Debster Posted May 4, 2004 Posted May 4, 2004 IMO, I think it is a bad sign to need a marriage counsellor when you are engaged. To me that signals communication/trust issues that should have been resolved prior to the asking and accepting of the proposal. By the time you are engaged you should have already worked out how to commuicate by talking to your partner about issues/what you like/don't like/how to treat you/etc. Are you going to spend your entire married life heading to counselling? I do believe there are issues that can only be addressed / solved through effective counselling however, those are large issues. They are not minor issues. I think counselling is often used as a crutch by people when they know the relationship isn't working but they want it too. Sort of trying to put a square in a hole. As for my situation, I am engaged and living with my fiance. While we do have odd fights that are more frequent now due to me dealing with (at the same time) a new job, commuting, quitting smoking, on a diet, planning a wedding and buying a house - we have learned how to fight fair. I know when I have crossed the line and I apologize and vice versa. Our fights are over very quickly and leave us knowing more about the other and having a better understanding. In this relationship I have not had to go outside of my partner to deal with the issues that come up - because I have learned how to talk to my partner and we work them out together. To answer your question about how much time - we live together, commute to/from work together, eat together, sleep together, etc. Generally in the evenings I do my thing and he does his to relax and de-stress as his interests are different than mine. Our couple time is spent taking dance classes together and on the weekend. Good luck.
jmargel Posted May 4, 2004 Posted May 4, 2004 Wronggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!! It is never a bad sign to see a councilor. It's actually a very good thing, because it communicates to your partner that you are willing to do what is needed to help understand each other better. In some situations it has nothing to do with trust. And even in marriages that are a decade old, problems arise that once weren't there. If you are that ignorant to such things then I would be worried if I was your partner and was reading your post. You can always improve a relationship no matter how good it may seem to YOU. What you think might be going great, might be the opposite opinion of your partner. I think counselling is often used as a crutch by people when they know the relationship isn't working but they want it too. Relationships get into ruts which turn into breakups/divorce if not dealt with. Most of these problems are due to misunderstanding and miscommunication or lack of. Trying to fix this 'yourself' will more than likely fail. You have to understand that men & women speak different languages. Read the chapter about arguments (page 150) in the book 'Men are from mars, women from venus' and you will understand such things. The author of <removed> also has excellent books published. With going to a councilor this past weekend, I was finally able to get my concerns and points across that I have been trying for with the past 2 months. She was able to explain it to her in such a way that didn't make her defensive. Just as an example on how my fiancee thought things were going 'great' her reaction on the way to the councilor was 'Things are going good with us, and if she says something I don't want to hear I'll just leave'. Two days prior the books I bought about relationships, she made fun of. During the session she realized how I was exactly feeling. Like the relationship was living from day to day. She was actually crying which she hardly ever does. The day after the session she actually picked up one of the books and started reading it. The look on her face when she read certain parts was a clear sign that alot of the things she was doing was hurting me. Candiangirl, please don't listen to Debster, it's obvisious she has some issues as well, that maybe she should start her own thread. I really advise you to contact your insurance company to see who they will cover. Counciling is ok at anytime of the relationship, from boyfriend/girlfriend to engagement to marriage. Having a closed mind is one sure way to be living a lonely, single life.
Thinkalot Posted May 4, 2004 Posted May 4, 2004 jmargel is right I believe. I've had couples counselling with my guy too, and it helped us very much. It's not a crutch! It's a brave thing to do, and shows a lot of love and committment.
Author canadagirl Posted May 5, 2004 Author Posted May 5, 2004 Nothing is perfect in this day and age. I think everyone can analyze someone else's relationship on the outside and rate it excellent or poor based on what's in their own life! I do this all the time, I should know. I was raised in a certain way by very traditional parents and their way is how I primarily understand life, right. And really what I think needs to happen here is that we try to work out problems in whichever we can, which definitely would include counselling, make a commitment to change, and continue to love and learn from there, if we are able. The other night we fell asleep on the couch and while he was right next to me I dreamt that I caught him cheating on me! I've never even thought about this issue before and now all this anxiety is catching up with me so I am going to calm down right now and maybe meditate.
Debster Posted May 5, 2004 Posted May 5, 2004 Jmargel, obviously you and I have different views on counselling. I do believe there are appropriate times for counselling. As for your comment If you are that ignorant to such things then I would be worried if I was your partner and was reading your post. My partner is not worried at all and he has read my post and agrees with it wholeheartedly. If we have issues, we talk to the other about them. We do not want to have a situation where we run to a counsellor every time because we have become incapable of learning how to communicate with each other. Relationships get into ruts which turn into breakups/divorce if not dealt with. Most of these problems are due to misunderstanding and miscommunication or lack of. I agree. Relationships get into ruts which make it even more important to have good communication. Your scare tactic and doomsday talking such as Trying to fix this 'yourself' will more than likely fail. is more a reflection of what is going on in your life than an accurate prediction. Yes, you tried to fix your relationship and yes, you realized you needed counselling. HOWEVER, as many posters have pointed out - you are choosing to ignore major red flags in your relationship. That is why you have this negative view that couples can't properly communicate. Many couples CAN and DO communicate effectively with their partner. You have to understand that men & women speak different languages. Read the chapter about arguments (page 150) in the book 'Men are from mars, women from venus' and you will understand such things. I have read it, thanks. I did learn some things from it and I have put that into practice in my relationship. That is WHY my fiance and I have good communication. Your snarky tone - was not needed, nor appreciated. With going to a councilor this past weekend, I was finally able to get my concerns and points across that I have been trying for with the past 2 months. To me that says that maybe YOU didn't read the Men are from Mars book!! It is all about learning how to communicate with the other person. Candiangirl, please don't listen to Debster, it's obvisious she has some issues as well, that maybe she should start her own thread. Oh c'mon!! Get over yourself jmargel. Stop attacking people because they say something you don't like and that hits a little too close to home. I stand behind my post - IMO counselling is to deal with major issues (infidelity, self-esteem, trauma, abuse). Many couples use it to try and put a bandage on a failing relationship. Jmargel, try to think outside of your situation and try not to respond with so much venom next time. It's no wonder why you are having communication issues.
jmargel Posted May 5, 2004 Posted May 5, 2004 We do not want to have a situation where we run to a counsellor every time because we have become incapable of learning how to communicate with each other. You are trying to play down the importance of good communication. Why wait til it's so bad that bad things happen as a result of the poor communication & understanding? If you have little problems now, fix it before too much water is under the bridge. Alot of couples wait usually for months or years before going to counciling and by then so much damage has been done it just makes it that much harder for the relationship to survive. Be proactive, not reactive. HOWEVER, as many posters have pointed out - you are choosing to ignore major red flags in your relationship. Yea.. and that's why we are going to counciling. First off, I don't consider them red flags. A 'red' flag to one person maybe different to another. And besides this thread is not about me. Let's keep to the topic at hand, shall we? As for my 'snarky' tone, that is the tone you get from reading my post. That's not my fault. To me that says that maybe YOU didn't read the Men are from Mars book!! It is all about learning how to communicate with the other person I just did read it, got it last week. Oh c'mon!! Get over yourself jmargel. Stop attacking people because they say something you don't like and that hits a little too close to home. I stand behind my post - IMO counselling is to deal with major issues (infidelity, self-esteem, trauma, abuse). Many couples use it to try and put a bandage on a failing relationship. Jmargel, try to think outside of your situation and try not to respond with so much venom next time. It's no wonder why you are having communication issues. Sounds like you have some pretty bad temper problems. When have I 'attacked' you? You basically tried to put down any notion of counciling for canadagirl which in my opinion and others would help. What harm would it be for her & her fiancee to go? None. It's not your money or time that is being spent so why are you so against it? A relationship is not more 'valueable' if you figure out and solve your problems on your own, rather than going to a councilor. I believe its upto the councilor whether or not the patient needs it. For you to determine that she doesn't, well then I must say you must be psychic or something. As for the communication issues 'I' have, right there is an attack on your part. I won't go any further with that, other then all it does is show your character flaws.
Debster Posted May 5, 2004 Posted May 5, 2004 Whatever, jmargel. There is no point continuing to respond to you. I hope things work out for you.
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