Did my g/f handle this grocery store encounter properly?

August 16, 2011

I need some advice folks.

This past Sunday my girlfriend (we live together) went to the grocery store. She came home Sunday and didn't mention anything out of the ordinary.

At dinner with my Uncle last night, she tells us a story about work. {The following is in her words} "So when I was at the grocery store Sunday, this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. He asks me where I live, then he asked where I work, so I told him where and what business (she just started a month ago). He then tells me he did business with us 2 years ago (before she was there). I got my cheese from the deli person and I walked away. Well today, he calls into my work and is asking for a price list. My co-worker got his call and he asked "Is this the girl I spoke to at the grocery store?" She said no. How wierd is that I saw him Sunday and then he called Monday?"

So then I, being a man who knows how men think, say "Listen, it's not coincidence he saw you yesterday and then called your work today. Tell me exactly what he said on the phone to your co-worker. (I waited until we left my Uncles to breach this topic)

"The co-worker told him no, that was (girlfriends name) you spoke with. Blah blah blah. The co worker than says "Sorry she is married. And he replies "Oh that's a shame."

My girlfriend also later admitted when I asked her about it that they shook hands. What % of deli line chit chat winds up in a hand shake??? I am the king of BSing in line at the deli counter and I don't think I've EVER shook hands!!! Also, I've never asked where any of these people lived or worked?!?!

I also don't believe it's coincidence that after 2 years of not doing business that he calls the very next day asking about my girlfriend. Now we aren't married but apparently her co-worker has more sense than she does by saying "she's married" to repel him away.

Was my girlfriend wrong to A.) answer such intimate questions like where she works and lives to a total stranger/random at the grocery store B.) NOT to say "I live with my boyfriend in Xtown" OR drop the "I have a boyfriend" into ANY part of the convo which is a TEXTBOOK hot girl trick to ward off predators...lol...C.) She MUST have been friendly enough to him to make him think he SHOULD CALL HER WORK.

What are all of your opinions on this?

PS: My girlfriend is about as beautiful as they come and unfortunately she doesn't know it and is SUPER nice to everyone...EVEN guys who ANYBODY would know are hitting on her. We've had this discussion before in the past about how to not be rude BUT let them know she's in a relationship.

*****Forgot to mention...She admitted she didn't tell me about the convo on Sunday after the grocery store because she didn't want to get me mad (which is also why she told me in front of my uncle - thought it would easier in front of someone) AND the reason her co-worker KNEW to tell the guy it was my girlfriend who spoke to him is because she told her co-workers about the encounter first thing Monday morning to see if they knew of his company. Because he owns a trucking company and used that as a reason to make the call. So Monday morning she asked the co-workers if the remember doing business with him.******

Edited August 16, 2011 by chucksagent

August 16, 2011

So.. you seem pretty intimidated by this guy.. why ?

August 16, 2011

Never met him...but to humor you A.) He's filthy Rich B.) He has the gonads to call her at work when I haven't even done that yet!!!

I just wonder what her body language and demeanor could have been to make him think it was ok to do what he did.

August 16, 2011

Never met him...but to humor you A.) He's filthy Rich B.) He has the gonads to call her at work when I haven't even done that yet!!!

I just wonder what her body language and demeanor could have been to make him think it was ok to do what he did.

Her demeanor doesnt have to be anything, the guy could just be persistent. he is also a coward because he couldnt ask her for her phone number while in line. That would have been an opportunity for your gf to tell him shes taken. Also, if he asked her out while talking to her at work, that would have been another opportunity for her to turn him down, but she never got that opportunity.

Until she gets the chance to turn a guy down, you have to trust that she will do it herself. Just ask her straight up if she would give her cell phone number out to a guy if he asked for it. Problem is, if you think she would be interested in other guys, then youre already in trouble. Also, when you act jealous (as she perceives it), you are chipping away at her attraction to you, so be careful with that. You will jealous your way out of a relationship that way. If she knows that you will fly off the handle, she will continue to hide these encounters from you. You have to show her that you will be more rational about it. You have to explain to her that you cant truly ever know if wants to entertain the guy or not when she encourages this from strange guys by being too nice.

Your gf is a people pleaser and one of those women takes it too personally if she has to reject someone, so she will refuse to do it. She doesnt want to look like a "bad person" to perfect strangers. She thinks she will hurt guys feelings, but doesnt realize that she wont. Its something you will have to teach her to do (indirectly) and show her that she doesnt have to feel guilty about it.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

August 16, 2011

I just wonder what her body language and demeanor could have been to make him think it was ok to do what he did.

You're going down a very slippery slope assigning causality here. He might have done what he did regardless of how she acted. She may have been purely friendly. She may have been flirtatious. There is no way strangers on the internet can know. You're going to have to ask her. You're also going to have to ask her why she feels scared of sharing such incidents with you. Why does she not feel comfortable enough to talk about these things with you without her uncle being present? That's a huge red flag in a relationship. What does 'she being scared of you being mad' mean? Why is she scared of your reaction to something that may (or may not) be entirely out of her control? Sounds like the two of you need to work on your communication together, and once you both feel free to have open and honest conversations with each other, you can start discussing the general rules and boundaries that you would like to apply to your relationship together.

August 16, 2011

could have been to make him think it was ok to do what he did.

A.) He's filthy Rich

It is probably this...

It wasn't her fault... and honestly you should learn to trust your GF or you won't be able to call her your GF much longer.. women tire of being treated like you don't trust them.

August 16, 2011

Your gf is a people pleaser and one of those women takes it too personally if she has to reject someone, so she will refuse to do it. She doesnt want to look like a "bad person" to perfect strangers. She thinks she will hurt guys feelings, but doesnt realize that she wont. Its something you will have to teach her to do (indirectly) and show her that she doesnt have to feel guilty about it.

OMG Eddie Edirol you are a GENIUS!!! My friends ALL love my girlfriend...But the one thing that they and I have ALL noticed is that she is a TOTAL PEOPLE PLEASER. Her family, her friends, her co-workers, etc.

I think that's a real crappy kind of person to be because you end up neglecting yourself and your signifigant other - the two most important people in the world!!!! This isn't the first time her "people pleasing" has been an issue and perhaps that is the ROOT of why I am mad.

Another example of people pleasing was when we first got together this dirty guy she went to college with who was married with kids would constantly poke her and she would poke him back. She did this RIGHT in front of me as if there was nothing wrong with it. When I inquired more, she admitted that MONTHS before we dated, he would send her dirty and sexual messages and she would just play it off casually (she showed me the messages). And I was like "Now what if you were his wife, how would you feel?" And then she felt bad but my point was that she should have told him to leave her alone because he was married. But she admitted to me it was easier to just poke him and ignore him than to have a conflict.

I want her to stand up for herself and do what's right in these kinds of situations but I'm not sure she's capable of it. And as you guys said, none of us can have any CLUE how she'd handle herself in a very aggressive situation if the guy just kept coming onto her.

August 16, 2011

Damn! You sound two steps away from buying your GF a flipping burka - chiiiillll! She didn't cheat and has not dumped you for this guy so trying to assign blame is suppose to accomplish what exactly?

August 16, 2011

I need some advice folks.

This past Sunday my girlfriend (we live together) went to the grocery store. She came home Sunday and didn't mention anything out of the ordinary.

At dinner with my Uncle last night, she tells us a story about work. {The following is in her words} "So when I was at the grocery store Sunday, this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. He asks me where I live, then he asked where I work, so I told him where and what business (she just started a month ago). He then tells me he did business with us 2 years ago (before she was there). I got my cheese from the deli person and I walked away. Well today, he calls into my work and is asking for a price list. My co-worker got his call and he asked "Is this the girl I spoke to at the grocery store?" She said no. How wierd is that I saw him Sunday and then he called Monday?"

So then I, being a man who knows how men think, say "Listen, it's not coincidence he saw you yesterday and then called your work today. Tell me exactly what he said on the phone to your co-worker. (I waited until we left my Uncles to breach this topic)

"The co-worker told him no, that was (girlfriends name) you spoke with. Blah blah blah. The co worker than says "Sorry she is married. And he replies "Oh that's a shame."

My girlfriend also later admitted when I asked her about it that they shook hands. What % of deli line chit chat winds up in a hand shake??? I am the king of BSing in line at the deli counter and I don't think I've EVER shook hands!!! Also, I've never asked where any of these people lived or worked?!?!

I also don't believe it's coincidence that after 2 years of not doing business that he calls the very next day asking about my girlfriend. Now we aren't married but apparently her co-worker has more sense than she does by saying "she's married" to repel him away.

Was my girlfriend wrong to A.) answer such intimate questions like where she works and lives to a total stranger/random at the grocery store B.) NOT to say "I live with my boyfriend in Xtown" OR drop the "I have a boyfriend" into ANY part of the convo which is a TEXTBOOK hot girl trick to ward off predators...lol...C.) She MUST have been friendly enough to him to make him think he SHOULD CALL HER WORK.

What are all of your opinions on this?

PS: My girlfriend is about as beautiful as they come and unfortunately she doesn't know it and is SUPER nice to everyone...EVEN guys who ANYBODY would know are hitting on her. We've had this discussion before in the past about how to not be rude BUT let them know she's in a relationship.

*****Forgot to mention...She admitted she didn't tell me about the convo on Sunday after the grocery store because she didn't want to get me mad (which is also why she told me in front of my uncle - thought it would easier in front of someone) AND the reason her co-worker KNEW to tell the guy it was my girlfriend who spoke to him is because she told her co-workers about the encounter first thing Monday morning to see if they knew of his company. Because he owns a trucking company and used that as a reason to make the call. So Monday morning she asked the co-workers if the remember doing business with him.******

Some people are too nice for their own good. Some people give out TMI about themselves without realizing it, or think that just because someone asks a question, they have a right to know. I've been in this situation plenty of times where men approach me in the grocery store. I've learned how to discourage while not being rude. Your gf may have thought she was just promoting the business, or just being polite. She may have thought the guy was just being friendly, and if he didn't ask for a phone number or to see her again, then she assumed it was no big deal. I'm sure if he had asked for a phone number or a date, she would have told him she had a bf. You may want to ask her not to be quite so friendly to strange men so she doesn't give them the wrong impression.

August 17, 2011

KathyM and Eddie Edirol I think understand PERFECTLY what I am trying to say here.

Saly4Sara relax and understand I don't want her to ignore people of the opposite sex or wear a burka, but if you can't spot a guy hitting on you in your mid 30's when he opens with the grocery store equivalent of "Come here often?!" you are either A.) A people pleaser (like Eddie and Kathy said) B.) Enjoy the attention C.) Are a total idiot D.) Are high probability for being an adulterer.

Because I HIGHLY doubt it's B, C, or D, I think Eddie and Kathy hit the nail on the head; some people are too nice for their own good. So now, since we have problems solved like ladies and gentlemen do, what next?

I have 2 close friends who I told this story to and one of them agreed with Eddie Edirol that I have to slowly try to help her understand why this behavior should change and the other felt that a woman in her mid 30's WILL NEVER change and she probably feels as long as she never cheats she doesn't have to.

My opinion is that (and I've seen examples of this sort of stuff happen) when an attractive woman gives ANY POSITIVE attention to a man, he automaticcaly thinks she is in love with him. All you people WONDER why beautiful women are sometimes rude to men, I truly believe this is why. There are MANY men out there who get ANY attention from a beautiful woman, and he is ALL OVER HER.

But at the same time...PLEASE ANSWER THIS EVERYONE WHO POSTED:

---Do you REALLY think there is ANY chance he would have called her work if she didn't seem interested AT ALL. She claimed she gave him one word answers and didn't seem that interested. I can't imagine me calling a girl's work after her giving me one word answers and not seeming interested . Now those same 2 friends I spoke to disagree and say a lot of creepy guys out there wouldn't care at all. They would think "Hey, she talked to me!" True or false and why?

August 17, 2011

hmmm... imho, i really don't think she has done anything wrong... she did not give him her hp no and i thought she was just trying to be polite. i suspect that she might have asked her colleague to tell him that she's not available? what's more, she did choose a platform, one she felt that was most appropriate, to talk about it.

to me, seriously, it's pretty trivial... that's my candid opinion, no offence intended

August 17, 2011

They wouldnt care because they are desperate, they dont know how to attract a woman, and any shred of hope they can use as reason to keep pursuing will keep them going. She knows this, but she cant deal with the guilt for 5 minutes, and she really shouldnt take it so seriously. But that will just feed your paranoia. There will always be stalkers.

I dont think you have to worry about that. Problem is, now that I think about it, she will not take this issue seriously until theres a crisis, like a stalker that keeps after her after she already told him she has a boyfriend. THEN you can say to her, "See, I told you, you cant be so nice to these guys some of hem are crazy..."

In the meantime, you will just look crazy to her, and you might want to avoid that. You dont want her resenting you for something she doesnt think shes doing wrong. So I think you should lay low about this until she gets stalked, or until you think she is leaving you for someone else.

Trying to change this aspect of her is kinda like trying to change her personality, which you dont want to try to change someone after you start seeing them. This issue isnt going to be problem to her until it scares her very core, THEN maybe she will re-consider how much info she gives strange men. I wonder if the woman who blocked the call at her job already tried to say something and couldnt get through to her.

What you might want to ask women on this board, is how did they get past feeling guilty about rejecting guys, how did they learn to not take it personal? How did they learn to not worry about what strange men think if them?

Edited August 17, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

August 17, 2011

Eddie Edirol YOU ARE A GENTLEMAN.

My best friend of like 20 years said the same EXACT thing. "Buddy, it is who she is, you knew this when you first met her."

She and I were only friends for a few months before becoming more than friends. And she is VERY friendly and VERY personable. I will admit, to young, old, male, female, ugly, attractive alike. BUT, you can be kind to an old man or a young woman and not have to worry about stalking. Like you said, some guys can take her kindness the very wrong way. And heck, even if he just made idle chit chat - then STILL be nice.

But "come here a lot?" "Where do you live?" "Where do you work?" "*hand shake*" these NEED to be red flags..right or wrong? But my friend made a good point to that too which was "What was she supposed to do? Somebody sticks out a hand, even in a wierd situation, you're going to shake it."

Bottom line -it's EASY to avoid talking to people...act busy, walk away like you need to grab something, mention the b/f,etc.

See, I am a lawyer so I am ALWAYS thinking ahead and trying to PREVENT mistakes...but as you said so well Eddie, it's probably going to take her actually screwing up or GETTING a stalker or a crazy to realize I was right all along....but for my personality, sitting idle knowing thats a LEGIT possibility one day is a hard thing to swallow.

August 17, 2011

Saly4Sara relax and understand I don't want her to ignore people of the opposite sex or wear a burka, but if you can't spot a guy hitting on you in your mid 30's when he opens with the grocery store equivalent of "Come here often?!" you are either A.) A people pleaser (like Eddie and Kathy said) B.) Enjoy the attention C.) Are a total idiot D.) Are high probability for being an adulterer.

Noticing someone is hitting on you isn't so clear cut. Many people don't want to come off conceited or run on assumptions. But this isn't the point I was trying to make. Say she is just a person who would rather not make waves or be rude - a people pleaser, so what? What part of you trying to lay blame on her over the way some strange guy acts is going to improve relations with your GF? You can ask her not to give out personal info to people she doesn't know well because that is just being safe, but that isn't even what you're concerned about. If it was you wouldn't be asking if she was wrong to not mention you in her conversation with him. A matter of safety is still a matter of safety even if she did mention you. If this was just about not sharing so much with strangers you wouldn't spend most of your post talking about yourself and whether or not the guy was hitting on her.

You're just worried about your pissing post getting pissed on by another dog which unfortunately sounds like what you think your GF is. This is not your first post asking others if your GF's (veiled by saying its your buddy's GF) rather benign actions are appropriate while in a relationship with you right down to whether or not she should groom herself at all before going to the gym. INSECURITY CITY and taking it out on her will kill this relationship faster than any random guy talking to her at the store. Just cuz someone flirts with you it doesn't mean you have to screw them. And unless they are crude about it it is just a friggen compliment on your appearance.

August 17, 2011

Noticing someone is hitting on you isn't so clear cut. Many people don't want to come off conceited or run on assumptions. But this isn't the point I was trying to make. Say she is just a person who would rather not make waves or be rude - a people pleaser, so what? What part of you trying to lay blame on her over the way some strange guy acts is going to improve relations with your GF? You can ask her not to give out personal info to people she doesn't know well because that is just being safe, but that isn't even what you're concerned about. If it was you wouldn't be asking if she was wrong to not mention you in her conversation with him. A matter of safety is still a matter of safety even if she did mention you. If this was just about not sharing so much with strangers you wouldn't spend most of your post talking about yourself and whether or not the guy was hitting on her.

You're just worried about your pissing post getting pissed on by another dog which unfortunately sounds like what you think your GF is. This is not your first post asking others if your GF's (veiled by saying its your buddy's GF) rather benign actions are appropriate while in a relationship with you right down to whether or not she should groom herself at all before going to the gym. INSECURITY CITY and taking it out on her will kill this relationship faster than any random guy talking to her at the store. Just cuz someone flirts with you it doesn't mean you have to screw them. And unless they are crude about it it is just a friggen compliment on your appearance.

Hard to argue with most of that Sally4Sara. VEry good post. I didn't make a big issues out of the private information she gave out because I thought that goes without saying and is kind of an important undercurrent of the BIGGER picture stuff that we all discussed. But here is how I see the forest for the trees.

You are part of this LARGE army I've recently discovered standing at the borders of every man's kingdom. The army of "We are women, live with what we do, regardless of logic/reason/consequence." But Sally4Sara, please take this as a compliment, because that's what it is, you seem far too bright and far too logical to WANT to be a member of this army. Chris Rock even talks about it in his comedy "You think a woman is gonna let a little thing like logic screw up her argument."

1.) Why is it that (you mention her going to gym) a girl can get all beautiful before going to the gym, but if a guy were getting ALL dressed up to go out to play football with his buddies, his girlfriend would be suspicious.

2.) Why is that if a man was hit on by a woman at the grocery store, didn't tell his signifigant other, then got a call at his work BY this girl, the GIRLFRIEND WOULD DEF not like it. My girlfriend even admitted if roles reversed she wouldn't have been happy.

3.) ALL of my guy friends have agreed with me that whenever you do the whole "role reversal" with your girlfriend, they FINALLY get your point and admit if roles were reversed they wouldn't have been happy. And its ALWAYS followed by a smile or a giggle because they KNOW they can't lie because when you phrase it like that, it would be OBVIOUS they are lying.

My point, to be more clear is, what's good for the goose is good for the gander...BOTTOM LINE..Sally, you are very fair and smart you have to agree thats justice. Insecurity isn't the issue...FAIRNESS is...

I am a man of justice...If I got dressed up nicer to go to Hooters with my boys than I do on date night with my girl...THATS ON ME...IM WRONG..AND IF MY GIRLFRIEND POSTS ON A MESSAGE BOARD SAYING THATS NOT RIGHT, SHE WOULD BE RIGHT, NOT INSECURE!!!

I get so sick of EVERY guy (or girl) who feels a relationship isn't being treated equally from both sides they are "insecure." How many of those relationships where people get cheated on or left were the people awesome people who were never "insecure."

It's simply called reality. You shouldn't get more dolled up for the gym than you do with your boyfriend on date night. You shouldn't be flirty and friendly with some random at the grocery store and give him private info. This isn't me being insecure, this is me just wanting fairness because I WOULDN"T do this stuff to my signifigant other.

Edited August 17, 2011 by chucksagent

August 17, 2011

INSECURITY CITY and taking it out on her will kill this relationship faster than any random guy talking to her at the store. Just cuz someone flirts with you it doesn't mean you have to screw them. And unless they are crude about it it is just a friggen compliment on your appearance.

Just what I was saying before Chuck, this will chip away at your gf's attraction to you. But you can try it from this angle... Frame it like its a safety issue. Its true that she shouldnt give that kind of information to strangers. She should tell him "im not comfortable giving personal info to someone I just met.." And then you tell ehr unless she wants to date the guy, she should be careful who she gives her number to. If you say that in a joking way, that she is taking guys numbers to date them, it should get a good laugh, and let her know youre not against her.

August 17, 2011

Do you expect your girlfriend to tell you about every conversation she has? Or announce to perfect strangers who presumably could care less that she has a boyfriend?? Holy controlling!! There was nothing worth thinking about, let alone mentioning, until at least when he showed up at her place of business.

August 17, 2011

1.) Why is it that (you mention her going to gym) a girl can get all beautiful before going to the gym, but if a guy were getting ALL dressed up to go out to play football with his buddies, his girlfriend would be suspicious.

2.) Why is that if a man was hit on by a woman at the grocery store, didn't tell his signifigant other, then got a call at his work BY this girl, the GIRLFRIEND WOULD DEF not like it. My girlfriend even admitted if roles reversed she wouldn't have been happy.

3.) ALL of my guy friends have agreed with me that whenever you do the whole "role reversal" with your girlfriend, they FINALLY get your point and admit if roles were reversed they wouldn't have been happy. And its ALWAYS followed by a smile or a giggle because they KNOW they can't lie because when you phrase it like that, it would be OBVIOUS they are lying.

No one here has argued for different rules for different genders.

As to your points above:

In relation to 1), I have no problems with my H dressing up before he goes out.

In relation to 2), my H has been pursued by other women on several occasions and this would only be a problem to me if he expressed mutual interest in those women.

In relation to 3), personally I've never had this problem of role reversal. I apply the same criteria to myself and my partner.

This isn't me being insecure, this is me just wanting fairness because I WOULDN"T do this stuff to my signifigant other.

As I said before, I think this is really about you and your gf having to communicate openly together about whether you have the same attitudes, boundaries and 'rules of the game' in the context of being in a relationship. Because these are subjective issues, they need to be worked out together. You can get all the validation (or not) you want from an internet forum, but at the end of the day it will come down to compatibility between the two of you, and whether you can find common ground on the way forward.

August 17, 2011

You are part of this LARGE army I've recently discovered standing at the borders of every man's kingdom.

Sorry to dethrone your notions here, but I don't think most of the posters here are expecting double standards or entitlement -- they're just noticing that you seem over reactive about your girlfriend's behavior. I'd have been more concerned for her safety (say, if he kept calling or came to her business) or I'd have just pegged him as some chump who thinks a hard pursuit will equal success.

Unless she's given you some credible reason to distrust her actions, this is a bit out of hand, it sounds like she was interacting with him the way she generally interacts with people. In that context, there was nothing off about her behavior. Obviously how you would react would be different; but it sounds as though you two are not really compatible as far as how you deal with those situations, not that she had some other motive in mind.

Instead of this interrogation and weaving conspiracy about what she had to have said or done or wore to lead this guy down the garden path, maybe mention that you'd feel more comfortable with her being vague about where she lives and works with strangers who approach her? Then just drop it.

August 17, 2011

Hard to argue with most of that Sally4Sara. VEry good post. I didn't make a big issues out of the private information she gave out because I thought that goes without saying and is kind of an important undercurrent of the BIGGER picture stuff that we all discussed. But here is how I see the forest for the trees.

You are part of this LARGE army I've recently discovered standing at the borders of every man's kingdom. The army of "We are women, live with what we do, regardless of logic/reason/consequence." But Sally4Sara, please take this as a compliment, because that's what it is, you seem far too bright and far too logical to WANT to be a member of this army. Chris Rock even talks about it in his comedy "You think a woman is gonna let a little thing like logic screw up her argument."

More like "I decide what is appropriate behavior for me to be engaging in and if you don't agree and we can't discuss it to an agreeable point, I'm not the right partner for you". A relationship full of control and blame laying is tedious and soul sucking.

It isn't about wanting these things because I'm a woman. Its about being a fully capable entity who thinks for themselves without the need to run it by someone else as though they are my authority figure. I personally wouldn't give out such personal info because I know there are psychos who would use it to harm me but not simply because I'm in a relationship.

1.) Why is it that (you mention her going to gym) a girl can get all beautiful before going to the gym, but if a guy were getting ALL dressed up to go out to play football with his buddies, his girlfriend would be suspicious.

You were not talking about getting beautiful in the post about going to the gym. You wanted to know if it was right for her to hairspray her hair back and put it in a ponytail just to go to the gym because I'm sure you love having hair all in your face when you workout and it having it in your face helps burn more calories right?

2.) Why is that if a man was hit on by a woman at the grocery store, didn't tell his signifigant other, then got a call at his work BY this girl, the GIRLFRIEND WOULD DEF not like it. My girlfriend even admitted if roles reversed she wouldn't have been happy.

She also said she didn't mention it because "she knew I'd get mad" not because she did something akin to cheating with him.

You know, yesterday my husband and I walked into the downtown area with our dog. Because we had the dog, we couldn't both go into all the shops we needed to go to; one had to go in and the other had to wait outside with the dog. He went in the hardware store and when he came out he told me about the young punk rocker chick flirting with him at the register inside. We had a good laugh about it - who friggen cares? Just because someone flirts with you doesn't mean it has to become anything more than some idle flirting. You might find that if you lighten up a bit, she will be more forthcoming with what happens in her day and you can do the same. This is part of intimacy. The ability to be friends and lovers. Talk to her about yon golden rule but chill the eff out a bit. This stuff is on your mind too much for a relationship to remain a healthy one.

3.) ALL of my guy friends have agreed with me that whenever you do the whole "role reversal" with your girlfriend, they FINALLY get your point and admit if roles were reversed they wouldn't have been happy. And its ALWAYS followed by a smile or a giggle because they KNOW they can't lie because when you phrase it like that, it would be OBVIOUS they are lying.

You're going to go date all your guy friends then?

My point, to be more clear is, what's good for the goose is good for the gander...BOTTOM LINE..Sally, you are very fair and smart you have to agree thats justice. Insecurity isn't the issue...FAIRNESS is...

I am a man of justice...If I got dressed up nicer to go to Hooters with my boys than I do on date night with my girl...THATS ON ME...IM WRONG..AND IF MY GIRLFRIEND POSTS ON A MESSAGE BOARD SAYING THATS NOT RIGHT, SHE WOULD BE RIGHT, NOT INSECURE!!!

I get so sick of EVERY guy (or girl) who feels a relationship isn't being treated equally from both sides they are "insecure." How many of those relationships where people get cheated on or left were the people awesome people who were never "insecure."

It's simply called reality. You shouldn't get more dolled up for the gym than you do with your boyfriend on date night. You shouldn't be flirty and friendly with some random at the grocery store and give him private info. This isn't me being insecure, this is me just wanting fairness because I WOULDN"T do this stuff to my signifigant other.

August 17, 2011

Sorry to dethrone your notions here, but I don't think most of the posters here are expecting double standards or entitlement -- they're just noticing that you seem over reactive about your girlfriend's behavior. I'd have been more concerned for her safety (say, if he kept calling or came to her business) or I'd have just pegged him as some chump who thinks a hard pursuit will equal success.

Unless she's given you some credible reason to distrust her actions, this is a bit out of hand, it sounds like she was interacting with him the way she generally interacts with people. In that context, there was nothing off about her behavior. Obviously how you would react would be different; but it sounds as though you two are not really compatible as far as how you deal with those situations, not that she had some other motive in mind.

Instead of this interrogation and weaving conspiracy about what she had to have said or done or wore to lead this guy down the garden path, maybe mention that you'd feel more comfortable with her being vague about where she lives and works with strangers who approach her? Then just drop it.

This is an excellent post, I second all of this.

August 17, 2011

Things we ALL seem to agree on:

1.) It boils down to she and I having communication issues. She should feel able to tell me about getting hit on and I shouldn't overreact.

2.) She needs to know how I feel about her giving out her personal information to a total stranger.

Things we ALL don't agree on:

1.) I am out of line to expect her to drop "having a boyfriend" into a convo when it's OBVIOUS a guy is hitting on her.

2.) It's ok to be friendly and flirty as long as you don't pursue it any further.

I can admit - MAYBE I am overreacting with regards to HOW she handled it. BUT, we've had this issue come up in our past. Pleas Read:

---Time 1 - some guy on FB (who she went to college with and is married with a kid) would send her sex filled dirty messages. She would SOMETIMES reply and just kind of humor him (this all happened before we got together). Well when we started dating he would "poke" her and she would keep "poking" him back. When she was showing me a picture on FB I saw he poked her I asked who he was. She told me and was honest that he used to send her nasty stuff, etc. So I said "Well why would you poke him then if he's married?" She then showed me openly and willingly what he would say and one quote he had was "Why don't we take this poking to the next level." and "I'd like to poke you in real life." And yet she CLAIMED she thought poking him back was just a friendly thing.

---Time 2 - we are at a local restaurant/bar with friends and family. She is walking back from the bathroom and is approached/stopped by this dude her best friend used to casually date. He proceeds to ask her out. She tells him she has a boyfriend. He keeps insisting they hang out she keeps telling him she has a boyfriend. Blah blah blah some chit chat about some cop test he was taking some chit chat about her best friend he used to date (it wasn't serious, like 3 dates). Then he is telling her he wants to take her on some wine tasting thing. She again says she has a boyfriend. Finally, its been like 10 minutes since he stopped her. I went up to the bar to get a drink (we had a table and were eating as well) and looked over at her and gave the signal for "do you need a drink."...well the guy mocked me and did the same motion I did. So I went right over to them, lol. She introduced me as her boyfriend, he shook my hand but was kind of a jerk. I walked away and let them talk. She later told me he made a comment like "That's YOUR boyfriend." (My girlfriend is VERY attractive and I am a normal guy.) He was implying "Why is SHE with someone like ME!?!" He said that RIGHT when I walked away. She stayed talking to him for probably a total of 18 minutes. I walked away at roughly 13 minute mark, maybe 12. So ANOTHER situation where she "didnt want to be mean." Somebody A.) Is Rude and IGNORES you telling them you have a boyfriend. B.) Insults your boyfriend and you STAY TALING TO HIM FOR 6 MORE MINUTES...Finally - we were there with 5 or 6 mutual friends, my uncle, and my cousin. So now, maybe you all have a LITTLE bit more knowledge.

---Time 3 - Before she and I were together this dude would ALWAYS hit on her but she had NO INTEREST. She got cast in the lead of this play and he got cast opposite of her. He'd text her little inside jokes from practice and stuff and I would get annoyed and say it's not very professional. If it was someone who was just a friend, so be it, but not sombody who for MONTHS begged to date you. (Luckily there was no kiss or intimacy lol) She claimed she ONLY responded to make it NOT AWKWARD on stage...Now im man enough to admit something..RIGHT after the play stopped, he still texted her and SHE FLAT OUT ignored him..But still, what's right is right..and being nice can't ALWAYS be an excuse.

Now maybe you all have a bit more history.

August 17, 2011

Things we ALL seem to agree on:

1.) It boils down to she and I having communication issues. She should feel able to tell me about getting hit on and I shouldn't overreact.

2.) She needs to know how I feel about her giving out her personal information to a total stranger.

Things we ALL don't agree on:

1.) I am out of line to expect her to drop "having a boyfriend" into a convo when it's OBVIOUS a guy is hitting on her.

2.) It's ok to be friendly and flirty as long as you don't pursue it any further.

I can admit - MAYBE I am overreacting with regards to HOW she handled it. BUT, we've had this issue come up in our past. Pleas Read:

---Time 1 - some guy on FB (who she went to college with and is married with a kid) would send her sex filled dirty messages. She would SOMETIMES reply and just kind of humor him (this all happened before we got together). Well when we started dating he would "poke" her and she would keep "poking" him back. When she was showing me a picture on FB I saw he poked her I asked who he was. She told me and was honest that he used to send her nasty stuff, etc. So I said "Well why would you poke him then if he's married?" She then showed me openly and willingly what he would say and one quote he had was "Why don't we take this poking to the next level." and "I'd like to poke you in real life." And yet she CLAIMED she thought poking him back was just a friendly thing.

---Time 2 - we are at a local restaurant/bar with friends and family. She is walking back from the bathroom and is approached/stopped by this dude her best friend used to casually date. He proceeds to ask her out. She tells him she has a boyfriend. He keeps insisting they hang out she keeps telling him she has a boyfriend. Blah blah blah some chit chat about some cop test he was taking some chit chat about her best friend he used to date (it wasn't serious, like 3 dates). Then he is telling her he wants to take her on some wine tasting thing. She again says she has a boyfriend. Finally, its been like 10 minutes since he stopped her. I went up to the bar to get a drink (we had a table and were eating as well) and looked over at her and gave the signal for "do you need a drink."...well the guy mocked me and did the same motion I did. So I went right over to them, lol. She introduced me as her boyfriend, he shook my hand but was kind of a jerk. I walked away and let them talk. She later told me he made a comment like "That's YOUR boyfriend." (My girlfriend is VERY attractive and I am a normal guy.) He was implying "Why is SHE with someone like ME!?!" He said that RIGHT when I walked away. She stayed talking to him for probably a total of 18 minutes. I walked away at roughly 13 minute mark, maybe 12. So ANOTHER situation where she "didnt want to be mean." Somebody A.) Is Rude and IGNORES you telling them you have a boyfriend. B.) Insults your boyfriend and you STAY TALING TO HIM FOR 6 MORE MINUTES...Finally - we were there with 5 or 6 mutual friends, my uncle, and my cousin. So now, maybe you all have a LITTLE bit more knowledge.

---Time 3 - Before she and I were together this dude would ALWAYS hit on her but she had NO INTEREST. She got cast in the lead of this play and he got cast opposite of her. He'd text her little inside jokes from practice and stuff and I would get annoyed and say it's not very professional. If it was someone who was just a friend, so be it, but not sombody who for MONTHS begged to date you. (Luckily there was no kiss or intimacy lol) She claimed she ONLY responded to make it NOT AWKWARD on stage...Now im man enough to admit something..RIGHT after the play stopped, he still texted her and SHE FLAT OUT ignored him..But still, what's right is right..and being nice can't ALWAYS be an excuse.

Now maybe you all have a bit more history.

It sound to me like she has, no matter what the scenario, never cheated on you and none of it has ever come to a bad result. You need to stop worrying what other dudes think about you - who the eff are they anyway?

Make this your new mantra:

"If you were worried 'bout where

I been or who I saw or

What club I went to with my homies

Baby don't worry; you know that you got me"

Sign In

Did my g/f handle this grocery store encounter properly?

Recommended Posts

chucksagent

Art_Critic

chucksagent

Eddie Edirol

denise_xo

Art_Critic

chucksagent

sally4sara

KathyM

chucksagent

fatgalslim

Eddie Edirol

chucksagent

sally4sara

chucksagent

Eddie Edirol

Star Gazer

denise_xo

O'Malley

sally4sara

denise_xo

chucksagent

sally4sara

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...