Cee Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For the past week, my boyfriend has been up at 3 am a few times. The first time it happened, I wandered into his office and noticed he was playing a computer game. I didn't want to startle him so I didn't say anything and went back to bed. And then, two other times I woke up at 3 am and the bed was empty. I rolled over and went back to sleep and eventually he came back to bed. It's not a big deal, but should I ask him about his insomnia? Or should I respect his privacy?
Jono85 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For the past week, my boyfriend has been up at 3 am a few times. The first time it happened, I wandered into his office and noticed he was playing a computer game. I didn't want to startle him so I didn't say anything and went back to bed. And then, two other times I woke up at 3 am and the bed was empty. I rolled over and went back to sleep and eventually he came back to bed. It's not a big deal, but should I ask him about his insomnia? Or should I respect his privacy? why couldn't you inquire about it? to think that you don't feel comfortable enough with him to ask a simple question like that is a bit worrysome no?
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For the past week, my boyfriend has been up at 3 am a few times. The first time it happened, I wandered into his office and noticed he was playing a computer game. I didn't want to startle him so I didn't say anything and went back to bed. And then, two other times I woke up at 3 am and the bed was empty. I rolled over and went back to sleep and eventually he came back to bed. It's not a big deal, but should I ask him about his insomnia? Or should I respect his privacy? I don't think there's a should or shouldn't here. I don't think there's anything wrong in asking about it in a natural way. "Hey, I woke up last night and you weren't here. Couldn't sleep?" I wouldn't push if he seems touchy about it, but why would he be? I feel like there's a hidden question here or something. . . Is there some kind of other issue you're wondering/suspecting, Cee?
denise_xo Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I don't think there's a should or shouldn't here. I don't think there's anything wrong in asking about it in a natural way. "Hey, I woke up last night and you weren't here. Couldn't sleep?" I wouldn't push if he seems touchy about it, but why would he be? I feel like there's a hidden question here or something. . . Is there some kind of other issue you're wondering/suspecting, Cee? Fully agree with all of this. Why do you feel it's an issue to ask?
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I agree with the ladies. I would not even think twice about asking that question. But now, it has some ... weight.
Author Cee Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) Fully agree with all of this. Why do you feel it's an issue to ask? There is nothing nefarious here. My boyfriend is a gamer. He likes Fallout 3 a lot. And he had a day off from work today, so him being up wasn't unexpected. I am very respectful of his private time. Maybe overly so. I am hesitant to ask because I don't want him to feel self-conscious about getting up in the middle of the night. When I get up in the middle of the night, I personally prefer not to be disturbed or noticed. From the responses, it seems like I should ask him simply because I'm curious. But I don't want him to alter his actions simply because I happen to notice them. Edited August 16, 2011 by Cee
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 There is nothing nefarious here. My boyfriend is a gamer. He likes Fallout 3 a lot. And he had a day off from work today, so him being up wasn't unexpected. I am very respectful of his private time. Maybe overly so. I am hesitant to ask because I don't want him to feel self-conscious about getting up in the middle of the night. When I get up in the middle of the night, I personally prefer not to be disturbed or noticed. From the responses, it seems like I should ask him simply because I'm curious. But I don't want him to alter his actions simply because I happen to notice them. Asking and altering are two different things. I mean, definitely don't make it confrontational or a big thing. "Hey, I noticed the past three nights, you weren't in bed at 3:47 --- what gives?" is weird. But like I said a simple, "I woke up and missed you, baby. Are you having trouble sleeping?" is fine, and I don't think he'd feel compelled to alter his actions.
make me believe Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 You're way overthinking this. My husband sometimes gets up in the middle of the night, or doesn't come to bed until super late because he is a night owl. I don't think twice about asking him about it if I feel the need to. Generally I don't though, because it's normal behavior for him. Since it's a new thing with your bf, just ask him. If you think he's going to get all self conscious just because you noticed he got up in the middle of the night, just assure him that you're only asking because it's out of the ordinary, not because he's done something wrong. But it would be kinda weird (and suspicious) to me if he got weird about it.
serial muse Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My guy has had this exact brand of insomnia for years. He wakes up in the middle of the night (around 3 am) and is up for an hour at least. This happens almost every night. He does prefer to be left alone to deal with it in his way (in the early days I used to get up to see if there was any way I could help), but that doesn't mean he won't talk about it openly with me in the light of day. I don't see any reason not to ask him about it.
CeeJ Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 When you both are up in the morning you could just ask him how he slept. If he says "Great!" and you want to take that as a cue you don't have to pursue it, or you could just follow up with you woke up and he wasn't there. If he says he couldn't sleep, then you got your answer without being direct.
Els Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Oh, OP. With all due respect, I think you're overanalyzing things. I mean, there's nothing wrong with asking, and nothing really weird with what he's doing either. I don't see why this is an issue at all?
threebyfate Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) I'd approach it as such.If he's experiencing any negative behaviours like irritability and emotional distancing, you could tell him that you love him and you're there to discuss what's causing his irritability, possibly from sleep deprivation.If there's been no change in behaviour where your relationship is happy, then leave him alone. Not everyone has the same circadian rhythm which include identical monophasic sleep patterns. Edited August 16, 2011 by threebyfate
gameplace123 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Asking and altering are two different things. not really, ever heard of the Observer's Principle. Anyway, what's the issue, why does it matter what he's doing?
Author Cee Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) Haha, the observer's principle! I learned about it in graduate school. It means that something will change simply by being observed. That's precisely why I thought it would be best to stay mum. I don't really overanalyze his behavior, but I definitely overanalyze mine. I have noticed I have been more tense lately. My job has become very stressful and he and I have been seriously talking about moving in together. I think I focus on these little things to distract myself from taking risks in life. I cannot believe that one year ago, I was resigned to being "forever alone" and now I have found great love. I am so grateful. Edited August 16, 2011 by Cee
chphan Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 There is nothing nefarious here. My boyfriend is a gamer. He likes Fallout 3 a lot. And he had a day off from work today, so him being up wasn't unexpected. Get used to it if what you say about him being up late at night. That's what most of us gamers do if we are hard core into a game. On my days off I've been known to push almost 8 hours of gaming a day and very late at night if I get things rolling. So there's nothing unusual about it unless you have a problem with him being a core gamer.
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 not really, ever heard of the Observer's Principle. Anyway, what's the issue, why does it matter what he's doing? That's true. What I should have said: "asking and attempting to alter" are two different things. Of course, we cannot really know if we alter something. (Without a time machine!)
threebyfate Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Haha, the observer's principle! I learned about it in graduate school. It means that something will change simply by being observed. That's precisely why I thought it would be best to stay mum. I don't really overanalyze his behavior, but I definitely overanalyze mine. I have noticed I have been more tense lately. My job has become very stressful and he and I have been seriously talking about moving in together. I think I focus on these little things to distract myself from taking risks in life. I cannot believe that one year ago, I was resigned to being "forever alone" and now I have found great love. I am so grateful.Cee, is his late night behaviour impacting on your relationship?
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Asking and altering are two different things. I mean, definitely don't make it confrontational or a big thing. "Hey, I noticed the past three nights, you weren't in bed at 3:47 --- what gives?" is weird. But like I said a simple, "I woke up and missed you, baby. Are you having trouble sleeping?" is fine, and I don't think he'd feel compelled to alter his actions. You read my mind Zen!!! I was thinking the exact same question, even something like "I got up to get water and noticed you were up too, could you not sleep either?". I have terrible insomnia so I get asked by all my roommates if I am ok. I don't sleep walk or anything but I do sometimes get up and move and read somewhere so I don't wake my roomies. I wouldn't think anything of it if someone asked me if I couldn't sleep. Don't worry too much!!
sm1tten Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Does it worry you? Then ask about it. Don't care? Leave it alone. If you think that mentioning it to him would make him feel self-conscious about it, don't bring it up. Way overthink.
Els Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) As someone who often suffers from bouts of insomnia, I'd say, yeah, bring that **** up. It's bad for your health. It often happens to people who are in front of a screen a lot (e.g. gamers). If you care about the guy you'll get him to think about taking some melatonin and doing that fasting trick. That said: I predict that your SO will not be getting much sleep on the night of November 11th. Hm, where is the link to the actual published research? I could not find it. It does seem rather strange to me. I personally definitely sleep easier when my stomach is not growling with hunger. Perhaps the fasting trick does sort of affect our circadian cycle, but I suspect for many of us, the unpleasant feeling of hunger overrides all the good it does. I mean, 16 hours prior to waking up means that you start fasting 8 hours before you sleep, or 10 hours if you sleep for 6 hours. Yeowch. Then again, I also tried a full course of melatonin and it did precisely jack**** for me, so maybe I'm the exception to the rule. Edited August 17, 2011 by Elswyth
thatone Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 i'm one of those people who can stay up til 3 or 4 am every day (even though i still get up pretty early). it's an inherited thing for me. my father is the same way. my mind won't stop, whether i'm thinking about something business related, or thinking about movies and music, or thinking about my gf, my mind just goes and goes and won't let up until it's running on empty. i don't get upset talking about it, it is what it is. dad takes sleeping pills, i don't like medications so i don't, i just tough it out. reading does help for me, although playing video games or something like your bf does would make it worse, i think. either way i see no harm in talking about it, since as you say it's not a big deal either way.
threebyfate Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 As someone who only needs one block of 4 - 5 hours of sleep per night, it's not a big deal for me to stay up late and get up early. Once a week, I do a catch up of around 6 - 8 hours or have a couple hours nap one day. Been this way for many, many years so it's no big deal. My husband can't believe how little sleep I can live on since he needs quite a bit more. The only time he nagged me was when I was pregnant which includes nagging about eating, sleeping, you name it, he did it. You would have thought he was pregnant instead of me, when it came to hormonal spikes!
J0shua Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I have the exact "problem" (not really a problem but still hard to deal with) with my gf, she is up till 1am to 3am most nights... at least you bf comes to bed first by the sounds of it.. my gf just doesnt come to beed till that late, so me being a total sleep lover am in bed at 10pm.. I don't care about the being up late but it's upsetting that i basically never get to sleep with her.. which of course throws regular sex out the window...
Author Cee Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 As someone who often suffers from bouts of insomnia, I'd say, yeah, bring that **** up. It's bad for your health. It often happens to people who are in front of a screen a lot (e.g. gamers). If you care about the guy you'll get him to think about taking some melatonin and doing that fasting trick. That said: I predict that your SO will not be getting much sleep on the night of November 11th. I had to Google 11/11/11. I think I'll stay away from him that weekend.
Author Cee Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I have the exact "problem" (not really a problem but still hard to deal with) with my gf, she is up till 1am to 3am most nights... at least you bf comes to bed first by the sounds of it.. my gf just doesnt come to beed till that late, so me being a total sleep lover am in bed at 10pm.. I don't care about the being up late but it's upsetting that i basically never get to sleep with her.. which of course throws regular sex out the window... Can you have sex at night even if she's not going to bed? She can "tuck you in" so to speak around 10 pm and then get up and do her thing. Or have afternoon or morning sex?
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