Did you manage to get over your partner cheating?

[londonmummy]

Hi,

 

I wanted to ask a question to those of you have ever had a partner cheating.

 

My previous thread is below.

 

I have been with my husband for 14 years married now for 1 year.

We have 2 children after just 6 months he cheated on me also at the start of marriage he cheated.

 

I have stayed while I rebuild my self and focus on kids hoping that maybe in mean time forgiveness may come.

 

H e has begged me to stay and has changed a few things and is trying, however I still see things in him that annoys me childish self centered behaviour.

 

I find my self thinking of the other woman and the disgusting emails I had read.

Even after I found out about the affair he lied about a few details which I discovered.

 

I have also dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage this year and as things are the way they are we he took the pregnancy very badly and that caused further strain on us.

 

I then miscarried and at times I resent him for the stress and lack of support.

 

I know timing was not right this stressed me out big time but as a mother I was happy and wanted a healthy pregnancy.

He wanted me to have an abortion! My husband! We are fining money tight so this was a factor also but not something I would dream of doing esp for him.

 

We have tried and I know people say it will take a while to rebuild the marriage and regain the trust.

 

I am scared of wasting my time and happiness. I feel depressed I feel horrible about myself and some times just cry any time of day.

 

Family say I should fake it till we make it and I should get on with saving my marriage.

I do not trust him any more and my love is not the same. I feel worthless and ugly.

 

Thank you for following this far.

 

My question is to any one who has been through an affair from a partner/husband.

 

Did you get over it?

How long did it take?

Do you still think of it often?

How do you feel?

What worked for you?

 

If you did not get over it why?

Are you still together?

 

Please answer which ever question you can relate too I appreciate it.

Any thoughts or advice would be gratefully received.

 

Thank you all xx

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261142/

[reboot]

Did you get over it? That could depend on what you mean by "get over it", but yes, I think so.

 

How long did it take? Years.

 

Do you still think of it often? Yes I do.

 

How do you feel? How do I feel about what?

 

What worked for you? Time.

 

Are you still together? No.

[londonmummy]

Thank you Reboot..

forget the how did you feel question I guess I just have no idea if leaving is a cop out I just feel I will be better for it.

 

I appreciate you taking the time

[PegNosePete]

All the same answers for me as reboot.

 

But what does it matter what other people did? Surely it is your own situation that is of importance to you? What do you WANT to do? Do you want to rebuild your marriage or do you think it is over? That is the most important question. Just be honest with yourself, do you think you can reconcile with a cheater or not?

[londonmummy]

All the same answers for me as reboot.

 

But what does it matter what other people did? Surely it is your own situation that is of importance to you? What do you WANT to do? Do you want to rebuild your marriage or do you think it is over? That is the most important question. Just be honest with yourself, do you think you can reconcile with a cheater or not?

 

As we were not married long and also have 2 children under 5 for me trying would be an option but at the start of trying he was not 100% honest he seems to be a material Lie at times.

 

I have always felt for me cheating is a deal breaker as I want trust this is just so important to me. I do not want to do what other say or advise I my self am just confused by it all and as healing may and will take years I just feel to myself will it be worth it? So knowing what other have done in my situation helps because I wonder if I go on trying to forgive will it be in vain am I a different person now who in time will walk away anyway.

[PegNosePete]

If he is continuing to lie after reconciling then KICK HIM OUT. He's had his chance to make it work and blown it. Don't keep on giving him more and more because he'll just do the same again and again.

 

For me it was a simple choice, I do not accept infidelity so do not pass go do not collect £200 go straight to divorce.

[John Michael Kane]

If he is continuing to lie after reconciling then KICK HIM OUT. He's had his chance to make it work and blown it. Don't keep on giving him more and more because he'll just do the same again and again.

 

For me it was a simple choice, I do not accept infidelity so do not pass go do not collect £200 go straight to divorce.

 

Good post.

[Spark1111]

Yes, I was able to but my H underwent profound changes to reconcile with me.

 

He became a different better and more considerate man. He had to prove to me he was worth risking the attempt to rebuild trust with.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. Your H sounds like a child who wants the wifey and kids at home while he lives the life of a promiscuous teenager.

 

One year is not a long time after discovering infidelity, and frankly, you sound miserable and depressed for many reasons; emotional, financial, and unable yet to make changes because of your littlest one.

 

Why would you even want to bring another child into this dismal scenario? Please, resist the temptation to have another child because you need someone, anyone to make you feel loved, needed and important right now.

 

Pack a bag and get out. This is YOUR life and YOU need to be one strong woman to raise your sons.

 

You are trapped in a bad, bad relationship and he knows this. It is given him the license to do what he wants because you are not going anywhere, right? And a bigger home and bigger payments to boot.

 

Change it today! Draw your line in the sand and envision what it will take to get out of this trap. Sell the house, call a lawyer, move to mom's, get a job, build a future for yourself. Throw him out and change the locks. Create goals and a timetable on how you alone will reach them. Take you power back. Someday your sons will admire you for it.

 

See a doc as you may need to get on anti-depressents, and see a counselor.

 

I am pulling for you. Since he seems incapable of growing up, you need to do it NOW.

[silktricks]

Yes, we were able to reconcile and rebuild our marriage. That does not imply in any way that everyone can or even should. It sounds from your post that your husband has cheated multiple times (though I could have read it incorrectly.... ). If so, the likelihood of him continuing to cheat, is I believe quite high.

 

You need to consider carefully what you want from life and whether or not you are able to get it and remain married to this individual. Recovery is not always possible, and I (personally) wouldn't recommend even trying it if there was more than one instance.

 

Whatever you choose, the best of luck to you. My heart goes out to you.

[fltc]

My question is to any one who has been through an affair from a partner/husband.

 

Did you get over it?

 

No, not yet.

 

How long did it take?

 

It's been a little over 50 years.

 

Do you still think of it often?

 

Not very often.

 

How do you feel?

 

No feelings about it at all.

 

Are you still together?

 

No. After she told me, I continued to date her and to have frequent and GREAT sex with her but she was now a f*ck-buddy and no longer someone who I cared about (that may have made the sex even better!)

 

Eventually we both found other people.

[Chi townD]

We dated for years, she cheated. We tried to work it out but the relationship was broken after that and never the same. Broke up, never looked back.Took years to get over. When you get cut by infidelity, it hurts. But time does heal the wound. A scar does remain but only to remind you of where you've been and how far you've come.

[londonmummy]

Thank you so much you really have helped just being able to talk and hear what others have done and where you are now. He is very childish and I have grown even this has made me a different person.

 

I really have no time to waste anymore.

 

We are not planning any more children I really do not want any more with him to be honest. The pregnancy was unplanned and the last thing I dreamed of doing at that point was sleeping with him as I was still so hurt.. But happened.

 

Everything happens for a reason as it allowed me yet again to see how childish he is.

 

I am working on rebuilding myself my little one starts Primary School this Sept and my yongest just turned 2 this has really been another reason why maybe I hung on as I want him to start school.. I decided today to make plans for my kids and my future.

 

I am just not sure I can risk another go we attened councling and the councler even mentioned he is very childish but he just did not see.

 

Again thanks for taking the time x

[on1wheel]

It has been 3.5+ yrs since D-day from my W's A. I still suffer from the complete betrayal of her A; not to mention that I know sooo many explicit details. I think often about "what if I had been selfish & left just for me?".

It has not been easy, but we have a good M. Sad thing is that good was never what I wanted or what we used to have. I used to LOVE being married & felt so lucky to have found her. I no longer feel lucky. I stayed for an 18 month old baby, who is everything to me. She is now 5.5 & has no idea how much I suffer internally. I have done it all for her & if everything goes as planned she will never know anything about it. I would & have done everything in my power to protect her from harm & to give her the best life possible. My happiness is secondary. It's not a choice for everyone, yet it was the only choice for me.

I wish you well...may you find peace on your side of the pond. Cheers.

[aquablue]

It has been 3.5+ yrs since D-day from my W's A. I still suffer from the complete betrayal of her A; not to mention that I know sooo many explicit details. I think often about "what if I had been selfish & left just for me?".

It has not been easy, but we have a good M. Sad thing is that good was never what I wanted or what we used to have. I used to LOVE being married & felt so lucky to have found her. I no longer feel lucky. I stayed for an 18 month old baby, who is everything to me. She is now 5.5 & has no idea how much I suffer internally. I have done it all for her & if everything goes as planned she will never know anything about it. I would & have done everything in my power to protect her from harm & to give her the best life possible. My happiness is secondary. It's not a choice for everyone, yet it was the only choice for me.

I wish you well...may you find peace on your side of the pond. Cheers.

 

Your post makes me sad...

[londonmummy]

Your post makes me sad...

 

 

Me too thank you so much for sharing. I hope in time you find happiness also. What your doing for your child and to be a part of your child's life is so admirable.

 

Look after your self and I hope things improve

[Steadfast]

Did you get over it? Yes.

How long did it take? About two-years. While I realized early on that I 'shouldn't' want to be with her anymore, it took years to actually feel that way. I knew I was over the hump when my passion/enthusiasm returned for the things I care about. It seems both far off and near...like a dream.

Do you still think of it often? Honestly? More when I log into LS and draw upon experiences to post advice. It is not part of my daily thoughts. Still, the experience changed me. Like many, I'm a walking survivor.

How do you feel? Fortunate. Like nearly everyone who loves and loses a spouse I spent considerable time thinking 'why me?'. Now, after putting in the work and taking a long, hard look at both of us I've come to realize that I have a rare chance at a better/happier life. Love or no love, she was not and is not a nice person. This also helps with how I'll deal with her in the event she remarries or has a LTR with someone. I do not envy him because after everything that has happened, she hasn't changed. Yuck. Regardless, the kids are older and my interaction will be limited. Yay!

What worked for you? Forgiveness and letting go.

[drifter777]

What worked for you? Forgiveness and letting go.

 

Do you think that forgiveness (whatever you define that to be) and letting go of your anger was easier because you decided to leave her?

[FreeofHer]

Make no mistake, you will not get over it and it already has forever changed the way you can feel about the other person. THat's done, the sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you can experience life again.

 

The best you can hope for is that you wont think about it very often but, lets face it, if they did it once, the odds are long against you. Why get over it? I did this for years while being controlled by the, forgive and get over it routine. What I finally understand through all those years of learning about more men, and more lies, and more time wasted is that this is the cornerstone of a good or a bad life. This is your mate if your in a monogamous relationship. The roles that make it the best thing in your life, are compassion, consideration, selflessness, sincere concern, a desire to put that person first and a commitment to being one flesh. Do any of these sound like things a cheater can either understand or respect?

 

There are lots of us just for starters, who didn't cheat, and held on way too long for morals, religion, reputation, you name it. If you need evidence that there are people out there capable of giving you marraige or () just look around these forums, and then expand your vision to the world. It's the best thing in life when both people are honest and mature. Why get to your old age and have nothing but, "I got over it" ?

 

I'm finally free of 22 years believing I should get over it, and as of last week, I have a wonderful woman in my life that I had the maturity to wait for while my wife slept around with even more men, and the divorce worked it's way along. Best decision of my life and as a bonus, your cheater wont be able to stand that you got up and decided to live.

 

If you get over it, they got away with it.

 

IMHO

[Steadfast]

What worked for you? Forgiveness and letting go.

If you get over it, they got away with it. IMHO

 

Do you think that forgiveness (whatever you define that to be) and letting go of your anger was easier because you decided to leave her?

 

In regards to FreeofHer and to answer your question drifter, the answer is probably yes. I say that because we never reconciled, or tried to.

 

True forgiveness, in my opinion can only happen if the person doing the wrong asks to be forgiven. Going deeper, the real reason for asking should be an acknowledgement that they have done wrong, understand that, and have no intention of repeating it. Please forgive me. Let me prove I'm sorry. My ex never asked that. 'I'm sorry' from her meant I'm sorry you're hurting, but nothing is going to change. It was meaningless. Her self-desire was stronger than her desire to not hurt me. She admitted it.

 

Please do not confuse forgiveness and letting go with a lack of anger. When controlled, anger can help and motivate us to make tough decisions. I was, and (to some extent) will always be angry that my ex broke her promises, but there comes a point when you have to let go of that anger or it becomes bitterness. I had to choose; did I want to be a bitter, divorced single parent or a happy, positive one? The only way I could achieve the latter was to let go of it and move on. Call if forgiveness, not taking yourself so seriously, moving on or whatever, I needed to do it because I didn't want to wear it for the rest of my life. I didn't want to spew it out at people that had no part in what had happened to me.

 

Her problems were hers. Since the divorce, she has cheated on the people she cheated on me with, and (far as I know) the cycle continues. I have no part in it, and am thankful that I do not. I did love her very much and wanted to try, but she did not. This has since worked in my favor.

[melenkurion]

Did you get over it?

 

First time was around six years ago. I got over that pretty easily. Second time was a year ago, I'm in the process of getting over that one.

 

How long did it take?

 

First time: I guess around six months. Second time: ten months and still not over it.

 

Do you still think of it often?

First time I barely thought of after around a year. Second time I think about it far too much still.

 

How do you feel?

 

First time I thought "we got through this, we can get through anything". This time, I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, humiliated, sad.

 

What worked for you?

 

It was a one night stand the first time, so I knew it didn't mean anything. Second time: well, the passing of time is helping. And I am afraid for me, what is helping is the knowledge that I am free of someone I think did not treat me very well, all told.

 

If you did not get over it why?

 

Second time, he did a runner. I'll get over it with time and a bit of work.

 

Are you still together?

 

Nope, he left me for the affair partner. It's for the best that we are not.

[londonmummy]

First time was around six years ago. I got over that pretty easily. Second time was a year ago, I'm in the process of getting over that one.

 

 

Nope, he left me for the affair partner. It's for the best that we are not.

 

Thank you for your reply, I am sorry you went through this it does some what sound a little similar.

 

The 1st time was a one night stand but the worse thing is he never admitted it EVER but he knows his lies are and was dumb..! Now at this stage he has stopped denying it and admits he did something.

 

The 2nd time was a work colleague and I told him time and time again that he was far to close to her etc

I feel like a fool betrayed this time he claims he just kissed her a few times and wrote dirty emails!

 

He can not be trusted I asked him to leave as have done before and he refused but this time we have a tenant in a flat we own together who gave notice this week so I told him he must move there.

 

To me it was a blessing from god a message no getting out of this he has somewhere to go and low cost too. He can then help maintain some payments on the family home.

 

I will use this time to have counselling and possibly move on with the divorce but him being here is making me suffer and the picking is not good for my kids. My confidence is at an all time low right now. Just want peace and the pain is still too much to bear I found out last Nov end of Nov and still I can not move on from it and this seems to be the only way for me now.

 

We got married and he done that 6 months in rather then talking it was a deal breaker. We have been together 14 years so it is hard. Bu I know in long run this is best I shall not be a door mat any more for any one!

 

Thank you all x