filmbuffy Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago and I find myself still hurting, sobbing daily. Starting to question if I am even capable of living without her....
Buttercup84 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My boyfriend broke up with me about four weeks ago too. Don't think that you have to be better after a certain time.Everyone takes as much times as they need . I find setting myself goals and doing things I couldn't do while with him helps a bit. Really the no contact rule helps , it is really hard but it will get better in time.When you have the urge to contact her just come here and vent. Remember we are all going through the same thing , so you are not alone.
The_Good_Me Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago and I find myself still hurting, sobbing daily. Starting to question if I am even capable of living without her.... Hi Filmbuffy Really sorry to hear you're going through this! When my ex broke up with me back in April I was completely devastated. For a long time I thought of taking my own life to stop the pain and sickiningly actually researched the "best ways to do it". I also did some research into depression and found that this thought process, although dark and horrific is a pretty common thing when you're suffering from depression. I went to speak to my GP about the suicidal thoughts and other issues I had. She recommended I go to counselling to sort through my issues and that's exactly what I did. I stayed at counselling until my counsellor told me I was ready to leave. This took roughly 2 months of weekly appointments. The 2 months didn't get me over her by any means, sadly I am still not over my break up, but what it did do was prepare me to heal on my own by putting me in a stronger place in my head. I set myself a few goals and worked to achieve them. Some of them I have now achieved and replaced with new goals, others I am yet to achieve and working towards these goals gives your mind something to focus on. It isn't a miricle cure, it just helps. I'm not even sure if you're in the same level of depression I was in and not saying you are. I just wanted to share the above with you in case you are there or you get there and need some help. Counselling helped me in a big way but I appreciate it doesn't help everyone (I think it depends on your counsellor). If you do get to a really bad state of depression then I recommend speaking to your doctor and taking their advice. Getting through the first few months is absolute hell and it does feel like you're going nowhere. At some point though, you WILL start to become stronger little by little. The best way is definitely no contact. It's really hard work, I still have bad days and I'm 3 months into NC now but the only thing you can do is keep taking the bad days on the chin. The really bad days do eventually reduce over time. Something else that helps some people is to write your feelings down in a journal. Whenever you feel sad, write it down, write all your thoughts at that moment. Do the same when you get angry or frustrated. Basically any and all thoughts (including any positives that may creep in there) should go down on paper. It sounds weird but it can actually help just writing it down and reading it back. I wish you the very best of luck at getting through this as quickly and smoothly as it could possibly be. We are all here for you if you need us so keep posting when you feel like it. Keep riding the storm. You will get there eventually man
69ways Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 my fiance left me 7 months ago. do i feel better, just a bit, do i miss her hell yeah. it does not get better, no matter what people say, you just get used to leaving with the loss.Soon the brain copes with it but every time u see something it reminds u of them
Buttercup84 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hi Filmbuffy Really sorry to hear you're going through this! When my ex broke up with me back in April I was completely devastated. For a long time I thought of taking my own life to stop the pain and sickiningly actually researched the "best ways to do it". I also did some research into depression and found that this thought process, although dark and horrific is a pretty common thing when you're suffering from depression. I went to speak to my GP about the suicidal thoughts and other issues I had. She recommended I go to counselling to sort through my issues and that's exactly what I did. I stayed at counselling until my counsellor told me I was ready to leave. This took roughly 2 months of weekly appointments. The 2 months didn't get me over her by any means, sadly I am still not over my break up, but what it did do was prepare me to heal on my own by putting me in a stronger place in my head. I set myself a few goals and worked to achieve them. Some of them I have now achieved and replaced with new goals, others I am yet to achieve and working towards these goals gives your mind something to focus on. It isn't a miricle cure, it just helps. I'm not even sure if you're in the same level of depression I was in and not saying you are. I just wanted to share the above with you in case you are there or you get there and need some help. Counselling helped me in a big way but I appreciate it doesn't help everyone (I think it depends on your counsellor). If you do get to a really bad state of depression then I recommend speaking to your doctor and taking their advice. Getting through the first few months is absolute hell and it does feel like you're going nowhere. At some point though, you WILL start to become stronger little by little. The best way is definitely no contact. It's really hard work, I still have bad days and I'm 3 months into NC now but the only thing you can do is keep taking the bad days on the chin. The really bad days do eventually reduce over time. Something else that helps some people is to write your feelings down in a journal. Whenever you feel sad, write it down, write all your thoughts at that moment. Do the same when you get angry or frustrated. Basically any and all thoughts (including any positives that may creep in there) should go down on paper. It sounds weird but it can actually help just writing it down and reading it back. I wish you the very best of luck at getting through this as quickly and smoothly as it could possibly be. We are all here for you if you need us so keep posting when you feel like it. Keep riding the storm. You will get there eventually man Glad you're a bit better ! I had to go to my GP like you , it always helps.Good luck
NursingGirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 It DOES get better! However, this experience will most likely be a smaller and smaller part of you forever. I had a marriage break up in 2007-2008 and a job loss at the same time. Wow, I didn't think I was going to make it through. I had to work two fulltime jobs and go to school at night (one 40 hr/week and one 33/hrs week). It was beyond awful. I was exhausted and I cried every night as soon as I got in the car after work. It seemed he didn't want me anymore now that I wasn't making big bucks. We had real estate assets (six properties) and I only took one to live in. I had to see a Dr. and get on an antidepressant/generalized anxiety disorder drug. It helped ALOT! Don't overlook the possibility that a drug can help you through a tough time. I still think about my ex husband quite a bit (when something reminds me) but it's mostly without pain now. It will definitely be a part of me forever, though. Since that time, I've had other relationships and other breakups. It's kinda a part of dating. I guess if I can't take it, I shouldn't date. I probably should'nt date anyway is what I think most of the time!
69ways Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 It DOES get better! However, this experience will most likely be a smaller and smaller part of you forever. I had a marriage break up in 2007-2008 and a job loss at the same time. Wow, I didn't think I was going to make it through. I had to work two fulltime jobs and go to school at night (one 40 hr/week and one 33/hrs week). It was beyond awful. I was exhausted and I cried every night as soon as I got in the car after work. It seemed he didn't want me anymore now that I wasn't making big bucks. We had real estate assets (six properties) and I only took one to live in. I had to see a Dr. and get on an antidepressant/generalized anxiety disorder drug. It helped ALOT! Don't overlook the possibility that a drug can help you through a tough time. I still think about my ex husband quite a bit (when something reminds me) but it's mostly without pain now. It will definitely be a part of me forever, though. Since that time, I've had other relationships and other breakups. It's kinda a part of dating. I guess if I can't take it, I shouldn't date. I probably should'nt date anyway is what I think most of the time! So it got better for you but you cant date=cant go on with my life. so how is that gotten any better, enlighten me please...... you still think about him often and every date, relationship you try is not working=ex haunting you and effecting your attitude and internal body chemistry to act as a single woman. Did it get better?I dont believe so.
The_Good_Me Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 So it got better for you but you cant date=cant go on with my life. so how is that gotten any better, enlighten me please...... you still think about him often and every date, relationship you try is not working=ex haunting you and effecting your attitude and internal body chemistry to act as a single woman. Did it get better?I dont believe so. I think you're confusing better with completely healed. If you remember how you felt when you first got dumped and compare it with a few months down the line, you will surely see that you are in a better place now than you were back then. 2% healed is "better" than 1% healed. Having a bad day but not thinking about suicide is "better" than having a bad day and thinking about suicide. You can go through varying degrees of hurt and pain, when the pain lessons you are better than you were before even though better than before can still leave you in pain and in a bad place. Another way to look at is is a lot of people struggle to get out of bed, spend days locked away in their room when they first get dumped. Eventually they come out, go back to work / school and at that point, they have gotten better from the original break up. It doesn't mean they aren't sad anymore, just means they are 1 step off the bottom of the healing ladder. That's what people mean by it gets better or easier over time, you heal progressively and unfortunately it does take a long time for people to heal to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore. You can go through months where you feel you're stuck on the same rutt of the ladder without getting better when you reach a certain point. Again this is natural, some stages of the healing process take longer than others. Eventually though, time does heal and it does get better whether your next stage of better leads you to a smaller amount of being hurt, or your next stage is complete indifference towards your ex.
danceallday Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago and I find myself still hurting, sobbing daily. Starting to question if I am even capable of living without her.... @filmbuffy. I am past the one month point too and I found the first month the absolute hardest. I had to find good places at work to hide when I felt tears and hyperventilated when I went into places we used to be together not to mention the nightmares. I still love him even though he treated me like absolute s*** for the last few years of our 12 year relationship. Things that I found helpful: NC, non-judgmental friends, family, treating myself to things that I didn't before, sitting outside in parks and reading and looking at butterflies, keeping busy, visiting churches for meditation, writing on the forums, making a list of his bad qualities, making a list of the crap I don't have to put up with anymore, realizing that I can love/forgive him but I do not have to let him and his toxicity near me, and for trouble sleeping I take an advil pm or a tylenol pm. By all means to not stop living. Go out with your friends, have fun. You were a fun person before, right? You are still that person now.
69ways Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I think you're confusing better with completely healed. If you remember how you felt when you first got dumped and compare it with a few months down the line, you will surely see that you are in a better place now than you were back then. 2% healed is "better" than 1% healed. Having a bad day but not thinking about suicide is "better" than having a bad day and thinking about suicide. You can go through varying degrees of hurt and pain, when the pain lessons you are better than you were before even though better than before can still leave you in pain and in a bad place. Another way to look at is is a lot of people struggle to get out of bed, spend days locked away in their room when they first get dumped. Eventually they come out, go back to work / school and at that point, they have gotten better from the original break up. It doesn't mean they aren't sad anymore, just means they are 1 step off the bottom of the healing ladder. That's what people mean by it gets better or easier over time, you heal progressively and unfortunately it does take a long time for people to heal to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore. You can go through months where you feel you're stuck on the same rutt of the ladder without getting better when you reach a certain point. Again this is natural, some stages of the healing process take longer than others. Eventually though, time does heal and it does get better whether your next stage of better leads you to a smaller amount of being hurt, or your next stage is complete indifference towards your ex. No confusion here my friend. People go on to say, the dumper will never find a dumpee like you. Will the dumpee find the same person again? No... We are all here because we want to hear things to make us feel better and looking at these threads we hope to see others that their ex came back. It does not get better if you really loved this person. I still miss her an love her as the day she dropped me, I am not getting stuff confused but is like u loose an arm. You learn to survive without the arm but its not better is it now? The pain the minute you lost it might have gone but inside you , you know you are not the same person, mentally or physically. Not trying to look at it the wrong way but wake up and smell the roses , you might have lost the love of your life and its over people.....thats the fact . How does it get better after you lost the biggest love, the one you have been waiting for , well we compromise for less and thats not getting better. We marry people we love less. We have children with people we consider a lower standard than our ex. Sure some smart guy will come along and say :If he was the love of your life why did he go? Well some times the circumstances or maybe he was the love of your life but you were not his/hers. On the other hand it might NOT be the love of your life and it does get better but the missing arm is still missing and every time you look at it, it hurts inside you......
ConfusedT Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 everyone heals differently, but i would definitely suggest some journaling or some other technique to get the pain out. therapy/counciling?? anything to make the days go by easier. i didnt read below, but are you on NC? if not, please do so because that could be a major issue too!! hope things start looking up
nini Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 You'll never find a better arm, but finding new love is as easy or hard as you make it out to be. If you make every second of your life about finding a person who'll mean more to you than you last love, you'll find it. I agree...for most of us here...the person we loved hurt us, quite badly. So in fact, I wouldnt even compare my love for him to my arm, coz my arm wouldnt abandon me. And I am sure that there is someone out there for me who will love me more than I can imagine/comprehend, and I will love him back equally. And when the time is right, we will find each other Please dont let someone who left you have such importance in your life. You are worth so much more!
69ways Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I had to respond to this insane post you just made. I feel like you are projecting a lot of your pain & assuming people feel the same way as you. Simple fact, when you lose an arm you are never going to be able to replace it. Yeah, when somebody that you have a deep connection with it hurts, it feels like your body is being ripped apart, but that pain subsides & you are left with the intellectual pain. Maybe you are just weak & pathetic, but I find intellectual pain is easy to deal with. Nobody is perfect & every relationship has it's faults. You'll never find a better arm, but finding new love is as easy or hard as you make it out to be. If you make every second of your life about finding a person who'll mean more to you than you last love, you'll find it. I hope you are a woman and not male, because if you are a guy you need to get your balls back. we have a smart guy winner
69ways Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 we have a smart guy winner btw you are conflicting yourself smart guy winner, as you said everybody heals differently but you find my post insane. if you like to hold neutral position don't call people names. if its so easy for you to handle intellectual pain as you said, what the hell are you here for then? theres no right or wrong, everyone is different but do us all a favour and don't come here playing it cool and strong because you are as weak as everyone else here and you believe you are too smart for your own good
The_Good_Me Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 No confusion here my friend. People go on to say, the dumper will never find a dumpee like you. Will the dumpee find the same person again? No... True, the dumper will never find a dumpee like you... that is their loss and nothing to do with it getting better for the dumpee. True, the dumpee will not find the same person again as everyone is unique. Some are better than the previous person, some are not. We are all here because we want to hear things to make us feel better and looking at these threads we hope to see others that their ex came back. Again true, we are all here because we want to hear things that make us feel better and I think everyone likes to hear a successful reconciliation story. It's not necesserily the sole reason why people come on here though. I for one came here at a time when I had accepted the break up and let my ex go. That was extremely difficult and I am still in pain so I am here to learn how to get through that pain to come out on the other side. It does not get better if you really loved this person. I think you have to understand that there are people out there that do really love a person, get dumped, grieve and then move on to a better life. It might not happen to everyone but I already know people that have found better lives and better partners after being dumped by the person they originally thought was "the one". You cannot say "it does not get better" because you do not know this is fact for the OP or anyone else for that matter. There are no guidelines to emotional loss, no template that everyone follows when dumped. Each person gets through it in their own way and whatever happens to them afterwards is unique whether its good or bad. I still miss her an love her as the day she dropped me, I am not getting stuff confused but is like u loose an arm. You learn to survive without the arm but its not better is it now? The pain the minute you lost it might have gone but inside you , you know you are not the same person, mentally or physically. I like the metaphor and it's pretty much correct, it does feel like losing an arm. However, learning to survive without the arm is actually reaching a better place than you were when you lost the arm. Again I stress that things getting better, doesn't have to necesserily mean that you are 100% better or healed. Pain does change people and in future you will be different, this is mainly unnavoidable because trauma is so powerful on the mind. Some people deal with it better than others and a lot of people take at least some positives out the pain. You can't let it defeat you. Not trying to look at it the wrong way but wake up and smell the roses , you might have lost the love of your life and its over people.....thats the fact . That's right, you "might" have lost the the love of your life which implies you "might not have too". At the time we are dumped, we HAVE lost the love of our life up to that point. None of us know what the future holds and sometimes around the next corner in life is a better love. Sometimes it's a worse love, sometimes there's nobody at all. You do not know what is around the corner for you, the OP or anyone else but you have to realise that anything is possible. The actual fact is that you haven't lived your entire life yet, you have not met everyone you are destined to meet. You are not on your death bed so you are in no position to decide which of your lifes loves was the actual "love of your life". How does it get better after you lost the biggest love, the one you have been waiting for , well we compromise for less and thats not getting better. It gets better when you reach a new stage of healing. Again there are no set stages and it's different for each person. My examples are... Stage 1: Seriously wanted to kill myself. Stage 2: Moving past that feeling Stage 3: Getting to a point where I made it a full day without crying once. Stage 4: Making it a full week without bothering one of my friends with my issues. etc, etc, etc. Since stage 1 which was my lowest point, I am now in a better place... I am not totally healed or fully happy, I am still healing, but I have been worse than I am now, hence I am better than I was in April. The final stage to reach is the feeling of indifference towards your ex, ie not caring who they're with or what they're doing anymore. Then you can search for someone else with more relationship knowledge than you had before. We marry people we love less. We have children with people we consider a lower standard than our ex. This does not happen to everyone. A lot of people do find a better love! I've had several co-workers tell me that getting dumped sucked at the time but in the end they found someone they're happier with. Sure some smart guy will come along and say :If he was the love of your life why did he go? Well some times the circumstances or maybe he was the love of your life but you were not his/hers. This is true and I have already agreed with this above. "Sometimes" people do lose the love of their life, but to continue my trend, it does not mean that things do not get better than they are now. On the other hand it might NOT be the love of your life and it does get better but the missing arm is still missing and every time you look at it, it hurts inside you...... You will always remember the arm you lost and it will always have the potential to tug at those heart strings to hurt you. It does not mean that you will be unhappy in life forever as you can be very happy with another person and some people find they are happiest when they are alone. There are so many things in life to make it better for you and you only find these things in time. Sometimes it takes a few months, others it takes around a year and sometimes it take a few years. One of the first things you have to accept is that healing from the break up is a long and painful process! That you are in for a very rough time and you have to go through it if you hope to get better. You just have to gird yourself and keep going until it happens. It is up to each individual to find their own success story in life and you need to work hard to get it. It does get better for a lot of people, it takes time and unfortunately nobody can tell you how much time until you start feeling better. We all need help, support and luck! I wish the very best for everyone going through this!
69ways Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 True, the dumper will never find a dumpee like you... that is their loss and nothing to do with it getting better for the dumpee. True, the dumpee will not find the same person again as everyone is unique. Some are better than the previous person, some are not. Again true, we are all here because we want to hear things that make us feel better and I think everyone likes to hear a successful reconciliation story. It's not necesserily the sole reason why people come on here though. I for one came here at a time when I had accepted the break up and let my ex go. That was extremely difficult and I am still in pain so I am here to learn how to get through that pain to come out on the other side. I think you have to understand that there are people out there that do really love a person, get dumped, grieve and then move on to a better life. It might not happen to everyone but I already know people that have found better lives and better partners after being dumped by the person they originally thought was "the one". You cannot say "it does not get better" because you do not know this is fact for the OP or anyone else for that matter. There are no guidelines to emotional loss, no template that everyone follows when dumped. Each person gets through it in their own way and whatever happens to them afterwards is unique whether its good or bad. I like the metaphor and it's pretty much correct, it does feel like losing an arm. However, learning to survive without the arm is actually reaching a better place than you were when you lost the arm. Again I stress that things getting better, doesn't have to necesserily mean that you are 100% better or healed. Pain does change people and in future you will be different, this is mainly unnavoidable because trauma is so powerful on the mind. Some people deal with it better than others and a lot of people take at least some positives out the pain. You can't let it defeat you. That's right, you "might" have lost the the love of your life which implies you "might not have too". At the time we are dumped, we HAVE lost the love of our life up to that point. None of us know what the future holds and sometimes around the next corner in life is a better love. Sometimes it's a worse love, sometimes there's nobody at all. You do not know what is around the corner for you, the OP or anyone else but you have to realise that anything is possible. The actual fact is that you haven't lived your entire life yet, you have not met everyone you are destined to meet. You are not on your death bed so you are in no position to decide which of your lifes loves was the actual "love of your life". It gets better when you reach a new stage of healing. Again there are no set stages and it's different for each person. My examples are... Stage 1: Seriously wanted to kill myself. Stage 2: Moving past that feeling Stage 3: Getting to a point where I made it a full day without crying once. Stage 4: Making it a full week without bothering one of my friends with my issues. etc, etc, etc. Since stage 1 which was my lowest point, I am now in a better place... I am not totally healed or fully happy, I am still healing, but I have been worse than I am now, hence I am better than I was in April. The final stage to reach is the feeling of indifference towards your ex, ie not caring who they're with or what they're doing anymore. Then you can search for someone else with more relationship knowledge than you had before. This does not happen to everyone. A lot of people do find a better love! I've had several co-workers tell me that getting dumped sucked at the time but in the end they found someone they're happier with. This is true and I have already agreed with this above. "Sometimes" people do lose the love of their life, but to continue my trend, it does not mean that things do not get better than they are now. You will always remember the arm you lost and it will always have the potential to tug at those heart strings to hurt you. It does not mean that you will be unhappy in life forever as you can be very happy with another person and some people find they are happiest when they are alone. There are so many things in life to make it better for you and you only find these things in time. Sometimes it takes a few months, others it takes around a year and sometimes it take a few years. One of the first things you have to accept is that healing from the break up is a long and painful process! That you are in for a very rough time and you have to go through it if you hope to get better. You just have to gird yourself and keep going until it happens. It is up to each individual to find their own success story in life and you need to work hard to get it. It does get better for a lot of people, it takes time and unfortunately nobody can tell you how much time until you start feeling better. We all need help, support and luck! I wish the very best for everyone going through this! A good and MATURE analysis of what I wrote , I will not bother with the winner of the smart ass competition ( see SedatedCalamity) because I do not argue with lower IQ people, they tend drag people to lower levels and win with their vast experience in low IQ discussions
69ways Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Lol, whatever. At least I still have my balls. Sorr if I offended you, no need to get so butt-hurt over it. I just think you are usinf a self-defeating attitude. I don't think obsessing about how you won't be able to find a new love that can't mean as much as the last.. that's all about how you look at it. Sometim.. I dunno. Its sad. We all die one day.. sorry but I dont understand , your english /spelling is quite poor, please try again after you evolved a bit as this is a result of low IQ. Bulls have big balls but low IQ so if you believe been like that is the way fwd and trying to be tuff behind pc screens is cool, just knock yourself out m8
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago and I find myself still hurting, sobbing daily. Starting to question if I am even capable of living without her.... Don't worry. It's because you've been bonded to her for a significant amount of time. Mourn and maintain NC. You will get better as time progresses. Sorry you're dealing with this.
AlexDP Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 sorry but I dont understand , your english /spelling is quite poor, please try again after you evolved a bit as this is a result of low IQ. Bulls have big balls but low IQ so if you believe been like that is the way fwd and trying to be tuff behind pc screens is cool, just knock yourself out m8 Nonetheless you are a pretty pathetic person right now.
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