dispatch3d Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Ah I get it, you're assuming that they break off things because you aren't attractive enough, interesting enough, etc. Interesting. Prehaps the guys feel the same way? I dunno.
sm1tten Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I'm in a similar position. I'm trying not to threadjack, but my last three relationships accelerated similarly - they pursued me (not heavily, but they made it clear they were interested), they wanted the label, and in two of the cases, the relationship began to sort of die out and I broke up with them. In the last case, he initiated. Two of these were essentially "timing" issues and one was that I felt the relationship wasn't growing. So my sample with this is not consistent. Nevertheless, I found myself puzzled by what I percieved as failirues and wondering what I was supposed to be learning... in none of these cases was it "my fault" or something I did/didn't do (although I'm not naive enough to believe that's necessarily true) but we're talking about very promising relationships rather abruptly dead-ending. I'm not an optimist so if I believed in it, I really BELIEVED in it. My conclusion so far is that sometimes the pace doesn't really matter, and in general, within the first few months the label doesn't matter either. I think I had the mindset that being boyfriend/girlfriend was much more meaningful than saying we were dating (and maybe they did as well) when we were really still getting to know each other and figuring out where we fit in their lives and vice versa. I find it impossible to act aloof, dramatic, or whatever -- because that's not me. I am not a bunny boiler by any means, but when I'm excited about a guy I show it. If these guys were scared by me, I'd find that interesting because I always reciprocate. I give as much as I get. So when they backed off, I gave them more space, and etc. But at the core I'm still not capable of acting like I don't give a ****, so that kind of game playing would never work for me. And in fact, I realised after the breakup that none of these guys were particularly emotionally stable (for various life-related reasons, not that they were suffering from something or were emotionally scarred) and that they were probably not lying about being unable to handle a relationship. so I guess all that wall of text means I'm still figuring it out, too.
Author Tybalt Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 As usual WLIC, you present a deep and interesting angle on the nature of attraction and love. I agree there is no formula that encompasses all the variables that determine why these two people are attracted and stay together and why another two don't. Being the analytical type, and wanting to learn and evolve, I do tend to want to understand things in a logical manner. However the fact is that I also want to control outcomes, ie prevent this kind of hurt. There are certainly loss mitigation strategies for any endeavor, but when it comes down to it, trying to predict and control relationship outcomes is probably similar to planning for the management of a natural disaster. Sure, one can take precautions and be prepared, but there are too many unknowns. As you stated, it does come down to feelings. Mine are really hurt. I know I will get over it. I don't assume that I'm not good enough and that is why I get dumped, but when I see scenarios begin to repeat I want to be sure I am taking appropriate responsibility for my part, even if it was just that I picked the wrong guys. In that case I want to pick better guys in the future. The ten year issue boils down to an abusive marriage I stayed in far too long. This had to do with my level of commitment to the marital institution as well as wanting our child to have an 'intact' home. I take responsibility for staying and allowing the trauma to continue, and one price of this has been the need for lots of time to heal and some second guessing of myself now that I am back into dating and having some painful experiences.
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 However the fact is that I also want to control outcomes, ie prevent this kind of hurt. There are certainly loss mitigation strategies for any endeavor, but when it comes down to it, trying to predict and control relationship outcomes is probably similar to planning for the management of a natural disaster. Sure, one can take precautions and be prepared, but there are too many unknowns. Take your precautions* and then don't attach too much hurt to the outcome. Don't view the outcome as success or failure or give it so much power. Instead, attach more of your attention and control to what you do. If everything you do makes you proud and happy, even if the outcome doesn't work, acceptance comes easier, I think, and hurt is lessened. (I also believe outcomes get better in these circumstances, but that point is moot because if you do it for the better outcome then you're not really doing it, etc) *Just because we can't control the outcome doesn't mean you should be willfully stupid. Sometimes people do the whole "You never know what can happen" thing and engage in behavior that is obviously more likely to lead to heartache than anything else, and they're just being kind of daft. I want to be sure I am taking appropriate responsibility for my part, even if it was just that I picked the wrong guys. In that case I want to pick better guys in the future. I recommend reading Meeting Your Half Orange. I know dating books are lame, but this one really worked for me. I was doing a lot of the stuff already, but it really clarified people-picking as a natural habit for me (it doesn't say it like that). Getting a better people-picker means adjusting a lot of small things, I think. I'm sorry your marriage was so hurtful, and I'm sorry you are hurting now.
grkBoy Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 This is all very helpful. Yes, that is really me in the avatar, and I appreciate the positive comments. I admit I feel a little sheepish about being my age and having past experience, yet admitting I am a little clueless after so much time out of the dating/relationship game. There is definitely something to the idea that guys that come on very strong and fast can be in to that 'rush' and thus practice frequent, serial monogamy to keep the highs coming. Also, with this last guy especially, his history had a bit of chaos and drama in it, so I wondered if he equates that with passion and emotion. It is too bad because I definitely thought we had it in the healthy sense. Well, if I was single I'd ask where I should buy a plane ticket to. No sense letting a pretty and charming lady go to waste.
GilliganGirl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hi, Tybalt, I have come to the conclusion that taking our time on intimacy really can do a lot of separating of the wheat from the chaff in relationships. Thinking back on many of my past affairs, really getting to know the person before becoming sexually active with them might have kept my head clearer in evaluating them and surely would have saved me from some very painful, short-lived affairs and one really crummy marriage. I recently met a man online. Yes, I know, highly suspect there, but I've met some less than stellar guys at work, in social networking groups, the Sierra Club, you name it. This man seemed very backward when it came to being physically demonstrative. On our first few dates I received pecks on the cheeks and lips at the end of the evening and no holding of hands or arm around the shoulders. He told me he was shy. Before our final date, I mentioned to him in a friendly, funny text that yes, I would like to go out with him again, but he could at least hold my hand, followed by a smiley to show I was teasing, but I still was trying to give him a hint. He laughed and said ok and we'd talk. Our next date we had what I thought was a good time talking and laughing. We held hands, he began affectionate kissing of me. My, I thought, how great a little encouragement can be. Before he walked me back home, he asked what I thought of us. Were we good friends? Yes, I smiled, sure we are. He began some pretty intense French kissing. I was floored. He was HOT. Wow, what a great kisser. Well, next thing that popped out of his mouth was, have you thought about sex? No, I sort of stammered, wasn't even quite sure you were even attracted to me. He then proceeded with lecherous glee to do a full on Rico Suave attempt at getting me into bed. I finally told him no, we really had to stop kissing, and I was going in. He later than evening followed with a text that "btw on sex" that he "got clipped" years ago and he was safe and clean. (hmm, sounds more like a Schnauzer than anything else!) I texted back that I wasn't worried about getting pregnant, I was concerned about getting to know someone first. Never heard from him again. Was he a wolf in sheep's clothing? Had it all been a smooth act? Is he a regular Don Juan on the website? Who knows? All I know is I think he did me a favor by never calling me again, and I did myself a favor by not letting sex enter the equation too soon. And don't beat yourself for being "too old" for having to learn new lessons in dating and relationships. Can you guess the ages of me and the gentleman in the story? 52 and 53. You're never too old to try to change and learn something new.
Author Tybalt Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I got that Your Half Orange book and started reading it last night. It has a lot of the positive thinking, manifest a great relationship through focus on what you want type information. I also already do some of those things suggested, but it is good reinforcement and has some refinements to it. My ex was at the gym last night at the same time I was (hardly a surprise since that is where we met). I'm pretty sure he saw me, though he was in a class and we didn't make eye contact. It is so strange to me that exactly a week ago, we were sleeping next to one another and talking about our next plans to see each other, and now we are strangers. This has been such a valuable lesson to me about really taking a lot of time to get to know someone before investing emotionally. Last night I also received a couple dresses I'd ordered online. At the time I ordered them, I was thinking about how nice it would be to wear them on dates with my boyfriend. I tried them on, and they fall beautifully and are well made. As I looked at myself in the mirror I felt pretty and I smiled because now, the dresses are just for me and to make me feel attractive. My heart feels bruised, but i know I'm going to grow from this.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I got that Your Half Orange book and started reading it last night. It has a lot of the positive thinking, manifest a great relationship through focus on what you want type information. I also already do some of those things suggested, but it is good reinforcement and has some refinements to it. My ex was at the gym last night at the same time I was (hardly a surprise since that is where we met). I'm pretty sure he saw me, though he was in a class and we didn't make eye contact. It is so strange to me that exactly a week ago, we were sleeping next to one another and talking about our next plans to see each other, and now we are strangers. This has been such a valuable lesson to me about really taking a lot of time to get to know someone before investing emotionally. Last night I also received a couple dresses I'd ordered online. At the time I ordered them, I was thinking about how nice it would be to wear them on dates with my boyfriend. I tried them on, and they fall beautifully and are well made. As I looked at myself in the mirror I felt pretty and I smiled because now, the dresses are just for me and to make me feel attractive. My heart feels bruised, but i know I'm going to grow from this. Good for you!!! I am glad to see that you are handling things so well. You should post pictures of you in the dresses, I am sure they look goregous on you!! May I ask where you got them, I am looking for good dresses?? Keep being strong!
zengirl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I got that Your Half Orange book and started reading it last night. It has a lot of the positive thinking, manifest a great relationship through focus on what you want type information. I also already do some of those things suggested, but it is good reinforcement and has some refinements to it. My ex was at the gym last night at the same time I was (hardly a surprise since that is where we met). I'm pretty sure he saw me, though he was in a class and we didn't make eye contact. It is so strange to me that exactly a week ago, we were sleeping next to one another and talking about our next plans to see each other, and now we are strangers. This has been such a valuable lesson to me about really taking a lot of time to get to know someone before investing emotionally. Last night I also received a couple dresses I'd ordered online. At the time I ordered them, I was thinking about how nice it would be to wear them on dates with my boyfriend. I tried them on, and they fall beautifully and are well made. As I looked at myself in the mirror I felt pretty and I smiled because now, the dresses are just for me and to make me feel attractive. My heart feels bruised, but i know I'm going to grow from this. Good, glad you're feeling better. That book really helped me kind of harness the positive things I already did and be more consistent with them. I think it helped me find the current BF too.
sm1tten Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Tybalt, I had a similar experience. I bought a dinner package to a cool place for me and my boyfriend right before he broke up with me. I plan on enjoying it with someone else now (unfortunately it's a meal for two, otherwise I might have just gone solo). And I realised a few days ago that I had been investing emotionally at a pace that I'm not comfortable with, and is probably not healthy. I know that it's in relation to my last LTR, where there was very little emotional investment or development. Time to get back on even keel. No time like the present, eh?
Author Tybalt Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I have been thinking more today about how I felt with my ex, and I'm beginning to clarify some things. I recall telling him about a frustrating situation at work one day, and then apologizing for my venting. His response was, 'It's okay, of course if it happens all the time, it will be a problem.' He said things like this a few times, where I'd reveal something about myself and he'd say something to the effect that it was fine, but if it was an extreme level of X,Y, or Z 'this isn't going to work.' I am experiencing a small sense of liberation at the moment, and I think it was because I felt a perpetual mild anxiety that he was constantly sizing me up and might bail if I did something contrary to his ideals in a mate. That felt kind of crummy. Now, whether he was just being picky, unnecessarily critical, or implying a threat of abandonment, and whether I unconsciously expressed anxiety or insecurity as a result, and this turned him off... Well, I don't know the exact proportions or contours of the situation, but it is some learning to take to the next dating situation. Maybe the person who breaks up with someone is really doing that person a favor. Maybe they just recognized you weren't right for each other before you did...
Author Tybalt Posted August 19, 2011 Author Posted August 19, 2011 I'm trying to get my nonchalance back and not be so affected. He texted me today saying he hoped I was well, and he found a DVD of mine at his house. he asked me to let him know how to get it back to me. So, I answered after a few hours that I was doing very well, thanks, and that I'd forgotten all about the DVD, so I was glad he brought it up. I told him he could bring it to the gym (we've been there at the same time a couple times this week already, though we haven't spoken), or he could even just leave it on my doorstep as I am sure it will be fine. I just wish a) I could get through this process faster and b) control better my tendency to analyze myself to see if I did something off-putting. I do try to stop myself and tell myself that none of it matters, all that counts is that he doesn't want to be in my life anymore and I need to shrug it off.
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