Gold Pile Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 ok, less than half my age. As some of you know, I've down-sized my life and am prosperous enough to only work the occasional PT job here and there. It keeps me in pocket money and keeps me out there for dating possibilities. A coworker, a 20 year old college girl, is in pretty sad financial shape. The classic story of student loans etc. Once a week I treat her to dinner at a decent chain restaurant, the best meal she has all week. Its a low pressure dinner date because she isn't thinking of me as more than a friendly older guy. She has become very comfortable with me, combined with her financial stress , I think she could be convinced to turn our dates into over-niters , her knowing that I would always help an intimate friend out. (now and then) Her credit card bill is aprox $200 a month. I'd could shoulder that burden. I'd be glad to do it, helping someone out is what I'm all about. Although I think she'd be receptive, I still need to find a classy, delicate way of running it by her. I don't want it to seem like some sleezy cash for sex deal. just two friends sleeping together, a relationship warm enough that the older one is willing to help the younger one out. I don't want to be labeled as a sugardaddy anymore than she'd want to be called a sugarbaby. Anyhow, what is the best way to present the scenario to her?
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 ok, less than half my age. As some of you know, I've down-sized my life and am prosperous enough to only work the occasional PT job here and there. It keeps me in pocket money and keeps me out there for dating possibilities. A coworker, a 20 year old college girl, is in pretty sad financial shape. The classic story of student loans etc. Once a week I treat her to dinner at a decent chain restaurant, the best meal she has all week. Its a low pressure dinner date because she isn't thinking of me as more than a friendly older guy. She has become very comfortable with me, combined with her financial stress , I think she could be convinced to turn our dates into over-niters , her knowing that I would always help an intimate friend out. (now and then) Her credit card bill is aprox $200 a month. I'd could shoulder that burden. I'd be glad to do it, helping someone out is what I'm all about. Although I think she'd be receptive, I still need to find a classy, delicate way of running it by her. I don't want it to seem like some sleezy cash for sex deal. just two friends sleeping together, a relationship warm enough that the older one is willing to help the younger one out. I don't want to be labeled as a sugardaddy anymore than she'd want to be called a sugarbaby. Anyhow, what is the best way to present the scenario to her? Don't do it if you don't want the stigma of being a sugardaddy and it turning into a scenario where she will feel like a prostitute. I was there 25 years ago; in my early twenties and hurting badly. Working in a courthouse, one of the judges started doing exactly what you are doing - taking me to lunch for what was the best meal I had each week. And then he offered to help me buy my college school books. Then he just wanted to comfort me with a hug.... You get the picture. 25 years later and I still feel cheap and taken advantage of because I was vulnerable and he though he was just helping. DO NOT DO IT.
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 GP, I just flat out tell the dudes half my age that I sleep with that not only do I not want to look after them, but they are paying for dinner.
Author Gold Pile Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Carrie T:You get the picture. 25 years later and I still feel cheap and taken advantage of because I was vulnerable and he though he was just helping. Certainly I'd want her to have me as a pleasant memory. The meals are quite innocent, I enjoy her company and she likes me. These meals are not exploitive in any way. True enough, moving things to a deeper level wouldn't be so innocent. How did things work out between you and his honor? He wasn't really all that innocent was he?
Author Gold Pile Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 GP, I just flat out tell the dudes half my age that I sleep with that not only do I not want to look after them, but they are paying for dinner. Well, I'm not a gorgeous, witty blonde now, am I ? You date some lucky dudes.
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Well, I'm not a gorgeous, witty blonde now, am I ? You date some lucky dudes. Ah, you know I was only kidding, I don't sleep around. I personally liked your thread about buying and keeping a wife in your closet.
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) It's a tough issue in my opinion, because on one side I'm not the kind of person that believes that giving away free money necessarily improves people's situations/attitudes. For a person, when it comes to making money and spending it responsibly, he or she needs to create a system/mechanism and attitude to be able to do that. If you give away free money they are going to neglect creating a mechanism for themselves to make money and not develop the attitude for it. It's like the billions in free food aid that goes to Africa, causing the local farmers there to go out of business, because the free food undercuts their prices, partly contributing to the continuation of Africa's problems. On the other hand I also believe in giving to people when they're with their backs against the wall, but that's a different situation. I have a good friend that has accumulated high debt due to student loans. For a long time he was irresponsible with his money. I felt bad for him, but also saw it was his behavior that caused a lot of the debt. So I could have shelled out money to help him out, but I didn't. Instead of that I went tough on him and pushed him to finish his studies before a certain date. Due to him finishing his study before a certain date the agency that provided the student loan cut his debt in half. So he now has half the debt that he would have had. He didn't like that I was tough on him, but later he thanked me for it and said it was what he needed. He's now responsible with money and we're still very good friends. Edited August 16, 2011 by Nexus One
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 If you can't help her without expecting sex in return, then you are asking her to prostitute herself. Even if you succeed at your little plan, you won't be a pleasant memory. You will be remembered as the creepy old guy she had to hold her nose to 'date', so that she could get to the next stage in her life successfully. If you are ok with that, then go ahead. If you are also ok with the growing stigma of people viewing 'relationships' like the one you are trying to manage as one step above pedophelia, then go ahead. You clearly wouldn't have an 'in' with a 20 something girl if she wasn't cash strapped and you cash-available.
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 If you are also ok with the growing stigma of people viewing 'relationships' like the one you are trying to manage as one step above pedophelia, then go ahead. You clearly wouldn't have an 'in' with a 20 something girl if she wasn't cash strapped and you cash-available. Feel free to ignore that paragraph Gold Pile.
rafallus Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 one step above pedophelia, As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia (or paedophilia) is defined as a psychiatric disorder in adults or late adolescents (persons age 16 or older) typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally age 13 years or younger, though onset of puberty may vary). From wiki. So yeah, 20 something is really that close to pedophilia. But nice try to sound more dramatic than necessary.
Cee Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I suggest you hide a $100 bill or a gold doubloon on her, such as in her hair or cleavage. When she discovers the money laugh with delight and declare in an Irish brogue "I guess I'm your lucky charm." Perhaps these magical occurrences will persuade her to take you home and allow you to dive in her pot of gold.
marlena Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Come on, Gold Pile, you can do better that that! I thought you were way above such vulgarity! Why not just use your looks, charm and intelligence to woo her?
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Come on, Gold Pile, you can do better that that! I thought you were way above such vulgarity! Why not just use your looks, charm and intelligence to woo her? Have you read his post? He wants to help her out, not woo her with money.
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Carrie T: Certainly I'd want her to have me as a pleasant memory. The meals are quite innocent, I enjoy her company and she likes me. These meals are not exploitive in any way. True enough, moving things to a deeper level wouldn't be so innocent. How did things work out between you and his honor? He wasn't really all that innocent was he? GP, like you I am sure for him it started out innocently enough. We bumped into each other every day in the courthouse cafeteria and he would see me sitting there with my books, doing college homework and never eating anything because I couldn't afford it. So he offered to buy me a cup of coffee and asked what I was studying. We actually had a lot of mutual interests and soon the coffees turned to lunches. I so appreciated those lunches as they were great meals and stimulating conversation. Then there was an offer to take me to an opera - which I adore. A chance to dress up and have a fancy evening out... And the judge made his move and I let him out of gratitude and the feeling of being worldy and attractive to an older man. For him it was a fling but for me - young and vulnerable - I had hopes for something more substantial which was never his intention. Listen, GP: Yes, your friend has financial difficulties. That is part of youth and college and learning about financial responsibilities. By offering to help shoulder her debt, you are not helping her learn how to handle her debt in an intelligent fashion but teaching her that she might only be worth what her body can offer to help her get by. In the long run, you will not be helping her if you offer to shoulder the debt which she has created for herself by establishing a situation where she feels she has to put out to get her monthly bill paid. She will feel like a cheap whore and will ultimately not respect you for using her that way. Now if all you are interested in is some young snatch and your own pleasure with no mind to the consequences, then go ahead and take advantage of the girl. At least she might get out of her credit card debt for a while but ultimately, she will only find herself in a similar situation and wondering who she can find to sleep with to help her deal with her problems.
OpenBook Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hey 19 (no we can't dance together no we can't talk at all) Please take me along when you slide on down...
marlena Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Have you read his post? He wants to help her out, not woo her with money. Sorry, don't buy it. He can help her out after they become a couple, no?
marlena Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 GP, like you I am sure for him it started out innocently enough. We bumped into each other every day in the courthouse cafeteria and he would see me sitting there with my books, doing college homework and never eating anything because I couldn't afford it. So he offered to buy me a cup of coffee and asked what I was studying. We actually had a lot of mutual interests and soon the coffees turned to lunches. I so appreciated those lunches as they were great meals and stimulating conversation. Then there was an offer to take me to an opera - which I adore. A chance to dress up and have a fancy evening out... And the judge made his move and I let him out of gratitude and the feeling of being worldy and attractive to an older man. For him it was a fling but for me - young and vulnerable - I had hopes for something more substantial which was never his intention. Listen, GP: Yes, your friend has financial difficulties. That is part of youth and college and learning about financial responsibilities. By offering to help shoulder her debt, you are not helping her learn how to handle her debt in an intelligent fashion but teaching her that she might only be worth what her body can offer to help her get by. In the long run, you will not be helping her if you offer to shoulder the debt which she has created for herself by establishing a situation where she feels she has to put out to get her monthly bill paid. She will feel like a cheap whore and will ultimately not respect you for using her that way. Now if all you are interested in is some young snatch and your own pleasure with no mind to the consequences, then go ahead and take advantage of the girl. At least she might get out of her credit card debt for a while but ultimately, she will only find herself in a similar situation and wondering who she can find to sleep with to help her deal with her problems. Hi Carrie, exquisitely said!
marlena Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hey 19 (no we can't dance together no we can't talk at all) Please take me along when you slide on down... Hi, OB. Love it!!! Posted it on FB!!!
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) He can help her out after they become a couple, no? That's also a way to approach it. Personally I don't like the idea of a relationship between a man and a woman to get tainted by money. I'd avoid it as much as possible. I like helping out people, but just the idea of money being a significant factor in a relationship doesn't sit well with me. In my opinion it can (potentially) damage the purity of a relationship. Edited August 16, 2011 by Nexus One
marlena Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 That's also a way to approach it. Personally I don't like the idea of a relationship between a man and a woman to get tainted by money. I'd avoid it as much as possible. I like helping out people, but just the idea of money being a significant factor in a relationship doesn't sit well with me. In my opinion it can (potentially) damage the purity of a relationship. Exactly what I meant. Moreover, TBH, I don't like the idea of a girl with a man twice her age either. But, hey, who am I to judge, right?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Feel free to ignore that paragraph Gold Pile. feel free to live in denial
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 feel free to live in denial Denial of your opinion you mean?
Ms. Joolie Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 (edited) This sounds like you want to be on her Friends With Benefits+ Plan. Listen, GP: Yes, your friend has financial difficulties. That is part of youth and college and learning about financial responsibilities. By offering to help shoulder her debt, you are not helping her learn how to handle her debt in an intelligent fashion but teaching her that she might only be worth what her body can offer to help her get by. Important point here! Yes, help her out as a friend, but get your overnighter with someone else, maybe a romantic partner. If you want to help her out and see her as a potential romantic partner, it could be handled differently. But as it is, there's no classy or respectful way to get her to your place and give her money right at this point. Ask her out on more dates. Maybe more time with a 20 year old will get your mind sexually off her! Edited August 16, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 From wiki. So yeah, 20 something is really that close to pedophilia. But nice try to sound more dramatic than necessary. You use the technical definition of having sex with children.... that is 'legally' defined as those under 18. The relationship the OP is trying to achieve is almost as skeevy. Age differences like this are almost always defined by a significant power imbalance of some kind. The only thing he's interested in is helping himself into her shorts... and using her financial disadvantage for leverage. Disgusting. I agree with with one of the other posters here.. she needs to learn some financial management skills so she isn't compelled to offer her body up as barter... Either way, I'd view this OP as just a road-bump on this young woman's long road to building self-esteem.
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