Bewildered

[DeusExMachina]

I've been dating someone on-and-off for about 4 months and have been on 5 dates. I'm not sure if I'm getting mixed signals or it just my insecurities about it not working out the way I want, but I can't figure out if she is truly interested in me and is willing to start a relationship with me. Here is a bit of background...

 

We meet about 14 years ago in college and were in an FWB relationship. After a few weeks I started to develop feelings for her and started to get scared. At the time I was 19 and she was 18 with a 1 year old daughter, I was not sure i could handle that and bailed on her. She obviously had feeling for me and was hurt by it, which I always have felt bad over. We went our separate ways and never saw each other again since. I got married had 2 beautiful girls and just recently got divorced. My ex and I grew apart over 2 years ago and the divorce was a mutual decision. I rejoined the dating world dated for a bit and randomly came across her on Facebook. We eventually went on a date. I had not expectations for the date other then to catch up and apologize for being an coward 14 years earlier. It turned out to be the single most amazing date I had ever been on. She told me that it was amazing for her as well. However, I still wanted to try to date to other ppl still being so new to the dating world again. Every date I went on after that failed to compare to the date with her and I found myself thinking about her. We went on 2 more dates before I decided I only wanted to focus on her and she was who i wanted to be with. I also learned that she was in an 11 year on-and-off semi-long distance relationship that she put an end to permanently in December. Knowing this I understand that she might be ready or even want a relationship right now or ever after so long without being in really close and stable relationship. She invited me to a wedding with her for our 4th date. I got to meet you very close friends and I hit it off well with them and there husbands. I told her that I was going to focus only on her (she knew i was doing the online dating thing) and she told me if I was looking for an answer that she couldn't give me one now. I told her I was not looking for an answer just to let her know I'm interested only in her and I'm willing to wait for her.

 

When we are together she is very engaging in conversation but she doesn't initiate any forms of physical contact; however, she doesn't turn away my touching or hand holding if I initiate it. We have not done more then kiss, but at this point I'm not looking for more then that with her, just happy to be with her and the focus of her attention. What bothers me and is the source for my insecurities is that she rarely returns text messages or emails. It takes days or weeks to get a reply from her. Most of our dates end fairly early and she always has to go home to her 15 year old daughter(she recently just moved back in with her parents). We drive in separate cars on our dates, but live just over a 1 mile from each other... I understand she is super busy between work, her 15 year old, and living her life making her time very limited; however, it makes me feel like she is unwilling to make time for us and trying to keep us insulated from each other. I don't want to push her away by being overbearing or too 'chatty'. I want to make sure i give her her space, but at the same time all i want to do is be with her and talk with her. It is taking a lot of will power to restrain myself. My friends tell me she is interested in me, but I think friends mostly tell you what you want to hear. My question is how do I proceed? Do I try to set up another date or wait for her to initiate the next date convo? Should I try to make small talk with her in text and emails just to say 'hello and I'm still interested' or should I just wait for her to talk to me? How long should I wait if she doesn't write me to move on or should try to reach out again to her? I just don't know what to do at this point with out feeling like I will screw something up... I feel like I'm over thinking everything and its all in my head, but at the same time I feel like it is doomed to fail since I'm so heavily invested emotionally. Please help... I'm so confused.

[rafallus]

owever, she doesn't turn away my touching or hand holding if I initiate it.

So keep doing it. And slowly push further If she becomes uncomfortable, she'll let you know, and you backpedal.

 

Not every woman initiates physical contact, at least not until pretty heavily aroused anyway, IME.

[DeusExMachina]

Well I'm interested in knowing she is really interested in me. I feel more intense intimacy will develop when the time is right and at the right place(All of our dates are pretty public). I'm just unsure if how hard i should pursue her with out her getting pushed away if she feels she is not ready for a relationship.

[DeusExMachina]

Anyone have anymore suggestions? I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!

[OliveOyl]

It sounds like the dating relationship is progressing very slow. More slow than I'd expect if she was really interested in you. Especially since you only live 1 mile apart. My honest guess from all this (not returning texts or emails, and not a lot of dates in the 4 months) is that she is dating other guys as well. Her interest level doesn't seem very high at this point.

[DeusExMachina]

Well I did fail to mention she went to India for a month to volunteer at an orphanage and I'm also have joint custody of my kids. So my time is limited for dating as well. She tells me how much she was looking forward to our dates in the few text she does return and during our dates. It hard at times to find days that work. I have to agree that her interest level doesn't seem as high as she says by her actions, well that is what I feel like. Thank you for your input.

[bluenightowl]

Well I did fail to mention she went to India for a month to volunteer at an orphanage and I'm also have joint custody of my kids. So my time is limited for dating as well. She tells me how much she was looking forward to our dates in the few text she does return and during our dates. It hard at times to find days that work. I have to agree that her interest level doesn't seem as high as she says by her actions, well that is what I feel like. Thank you for your input.

 

My take on this is you are waaay more into her than she is you at the moment. I would chill out a bit. You have kinda already told her how much you are interested in her as well and that kinda puts all the power into her court to decide things. ie. she knows you like her. Also you have a history together and also she was in long term relationship.

 

These are all reasons to chill out a bit. What you want to think about is not how much you are into her, but how much is she into you. If you want her to be attracted to you, you kinda have to be a bit more cool about all of this, and stop sharing your feelings too much with her and trying to redeem yourself for the past.

 

Instead play it cool, and try to show why you are a catch now. The best thing is if she were to contact you and arrange some dates at this point.

 

The other point here is you sound slightly needy. Maybe you are not ready? Is that possible? Think hard if you need more time for yourself too.

[DeusExMachina]

That is along the lines I was thinking Blue, but my gut reaction it to press. I've always been a straight shooter and I find it hard not to speak my mind at times. It has gotten me in trouble in the past, hopefully not too much this time. I have to say though I can not ever remember feeling so intensely for someone, not even my ex-wife. Maybe I was in a loveless marriage for so long that it muted the memories of my previous feelings. Typically, I'm very confident and relaxed meeting women, but when I'm around her i feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve. It is very confusing for me since all my previous relationships I was always the one that was the slower one to warm up to it and commit. Thank you blue, I was thinking that same and I really needed to hear it from someone else.

 

I'm not really sure how I would know I need more time to heal. I do have to admit I feel needy around her, but around the other women I dated and hooked up with I didn't feel like I needed any attention from them. I don't know if seeing her has re-awoken old feelings or maybe I do need more time to heal. Typically in the past I "heal" from previous relationships by "F'king" my way over it. I started out doing that after my divorce, but realized I don't really want to do that. I really wanted something more meaningful then one-night stands. My ex and i are friendly, I have meet her new bf and I don't feel any malice or anger towards her or her bf. I have no regrets and don't want to get back with her. I just don't really know if I'm ready or not, I'd like to think I am. Maybe someone has some pointers...

[D-Lish]

Ever wonder if she carries a tiny bit of resentment over being abandoned the last time you two had a "relationship"? You may have apologized for dumping her, but that doesn't erase that it happened and that she was probably hurt by it back then.

 

Her only experience with you left her thinking you were an a-hole (just being honest).... So as much as she has agreed to get to know you again, it's no wonder she is taking it slow.

 

It's also interesting that you passed her by after the first date to continue online dating, but since no one else cut the mustard, you went back to her. All in all I don't think you've demonstrated that you're worthy of handing over her heart to.

 

I don't think she's as into you as you are to her. Why do I get the impression that if she was just as into you, you might not be as anxious to date her....?

[DeusExMachina]

Ever wonder if she carries a tiny bit of resentment over being abandoned the last time you two had a "relationship"? You may have apologized for dumping her, but that doesn't erase that it happened and that she was probably hurt by it back then.

 

Her only experience with you left her thinking you were an a-hole (just being honest).... So as much as she has agreed to get to know you again, it's no wonder she is taking it slow.

 

I do wonder and she rightfully deserves to be. I was a young scared boy and really had no idea how unintentionally hurtful i could be. We have talked about it and she says that me apologizing was very noble of me. But, what ppl say and feel can differ :/

 

It's also interesting that you passed her by after the first date to continue online dating, but since no one else cut the mustard, you went back to her. All in all I don't think you've demonstrated that you're worthy of handing over her heart to.

 

Well that was the hard part... I knew she was a few months out of a long complicated relationship and I was a few months out of my divorce. I didn't want her to be a rebound relationship. Being a father to 2 lovely girls I want to make sure I give them the best life I can and expose them to lots of things. My interest is very cultured and traveled and has done an absolutely fantastic job with her daughter. I feel she is someone that can expose me to things that I would typically not interest in. Like i previously stated I was not sure of my relationship readiness so I figured to fail with someone else and not fail with her, plus she was leaving for India in a month and was still had grad school. That plan failed since i could get her out of my head.

 

I don't think she's as into you as you are to her. Why do I get the impression that if she was just as into you, you might not be as anxious to date her....?

 

The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th dates she initiated. The 4th date was her friends wedding... I thought that was kind of a big deal to introduce me to her best friends. But, it is when we are not on dates I feel she has no interest. Typically women I have dated recently and in the past want to talk on the phone and text like crazy. She on the other had rarely initiates texts and says she hates talking on the phone(as do I ). I just can't get over the fact that her limited communication make me feel like she is disinterested, it is opposite from what I have experienced in the past with old relationships. But, I do feel the lack of communication between dates really amps up my anticipation to talk to her on our dates. Maybe it is for the best

 

Thank you, it is nice to see what i experience from a different lens. Made me think a lot.

[D-Lish]

Okay, that put a little more perspective on it.

 

Why haven't you initiated any dates?

Has it occurred to you that she is wondering why she has to ask you out all the time?

[DeusExMachina]

Well my attempt for a 2nd date was shot down with "I don't have the time between grad school, daughter's graduation, moving, and trip to india." She surprised me a few days before she left with a spontaneous date, which i jumped at, work clothes and all (I work construction ). 3rd was when she got back form India. The 4th date she asked me a few days before the actual wedding, I was in the middle of planning what was to be our 4th date at that time. I'm trying to plan one now, but between my schedule and her schedule it's tough, not to mention the slow communication Plus, I have expressed my feeling with no ambiguity on our 4th date, I'm trying to not be pushy but at the same time try to be engaging with texting and some emails.

[D-Lish]

Well my attempt for a 2nd date was shot down with "I don't have the time between grad school, daughter's graduation, moving, and trip to india." She surprised me a few days before she left with a spontaneous date, which i jumped at, work clothes and all (I work construction ). 3rd was when she got back form India. The 4th date she asked me a few days before the actual wedding, I was in the middle of planning what was to be our 4th date at that time. I'm trying to plan one now, but between my schedule and her schedule it's tough, not to mention the slow communication Plus, I have expressed my feeling with no ambiguity on our 4th date, I'm trying to not be pushy but at the same time try to be engaging with texting and some emails.

 

I can't speak from experience, because although I am 41, I don't have children and obligations that keep me unavailable.

 

There could be some residual resentment, or she could have some baggage from her past relationship- but yes, it's obvious she is taking things very slow. Sounds like someone that has been hurt and is being really cautious as a result.

 

Has she said anything about the dynamics of her 11 year relationship that ended last year?

[giuliano-3]

Well my attempt for a 2nd date was shot down with "I don't have the time between grad school, daughter's graduation, moving, and trip to india." She surprised me a few days before she left with a spontaneous date, which i jumped at, work clothes and all (I work construction ). 3rd was when she got back form India. The 4th date she asked me a few days before the actual wedding, I was in the middle of planning what was to be our 4th date at that time. I'm trying to plan one now, but between my schedule and her schedule it's tough, not to mention the slow communication Plus, I have expressed my feeling with no ambiguity on our 4th date, I'm trying to not be pushy but at the same time try to be engaging with texting and some emails.

 

Many layers to this story.

 

I think she had to create a barrier way back when which will take awhile to come down completely. She sounds tentative. Not neccesarily involved with another guy or anything, but if you're at the point where it would bother you if she was with another man...that's a problem. You're not exclusive right now, to the best of my understanding. There's no solid obligation to be together. So, it seems you may have gotten a little too far ahead of yourself. It sounds like this one will need some time. I wouldn't text too much. You shouldn't push this one. She has responibilities which supercede you and your feelings.

[bluenightowl]

I don't think she's as into you as you are to her. Why do I get the impression that if she was just as into you, you might not be as anxious to date her....?

 

This is good advice for anyone. I too generally don't get too anxious dating because I can tell most of the women I've dated like me. Its makes dating fun and simple.

 

Its those ones that may not like you as much as you them that really get me anxious, and generally I then start making mistakes. But perhaps we should listen to that anxiety in dating as warning signal to back off and protect ourselves a bit, not to mention to give the other person space.

[DeusExMachina]

Has she said anything about the dynamics of her 11 year relationship that ended last year?

 

We did talk about it and that is one of the reasons I think I'm doubting everything. He bf of several years got a job that involved being away from months at a time and was never around. After a few years of that his employer gave him a position that required no travel in CA. She packed up her and her daughter and moved to CA from the Northeast. After a year or so she grew tired of him still wanting to live like a bachelor and leaving her and her daughter to go out and party with his friends and also having zero family support she moved back to the east coast. They still continued with a on and off long term relationship for a few more years. He proposed to her several times and she shot him down, she felt he was not sincere and was unwilling to change his lifestyle. At the end of last year she finally broke it off for good, she and her daughter, now 15, were tired of him bouncing in and out of there lives at his convenience. I feel like she really feels she doesn't need a man in her life since she has done so much without help from a partner. Like giuliano mentioned she has some serious barriers up, I just need to pick away at with with my boyish charms and being positive and supportive We are not exclusive, although I have chosen to be. It would bother me I she was dating other ppl, but she has made no commitment to me and I understand this. If it doesn't work out, then it is back to the dating pool... life goes on with or without heartache. Thank you all again. You have given me a lot more insight then i previously had and I actually feel much more positive then I did before, plus she texted me today out of the blue and gave me a compliment! It's the little things.