blueskyahead Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 But respectfully, DOT, who are you to diagnose her H with porn addiction? Sure, you are familiar with it, but are you qualified to clinically diagnose a man you've never net? I'd say no one here is. As I said before, it doesn't matter whether anyone here thinks she cheated during the separation. What matters is whether the H thinks he was cheated on. DR. DOT. I have a feeling that watching porn a few times a week is not an addiction. It's like saying I drink a couple cans of beer a week, I'm addicted. Ummmm NO! You are taking your experience(and I am sorry for what you went through - it's disgusting what your husband did) and driving it down peoples throats as a way of patting Lex on the back for what she did. What her husband is doing and what your husband did is completely different. Heck if I were her husband, knowing about all her affairs and knowing she is still trolling the internet:sick:, I wouldn't want to touch her either. Bring on the porn cause I know those ho's are safe when they are on the screen.
jthorne Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Well as someone mentioned in a previous post. Until someone else brought up the porn addiction, it wasn't a concern to Lexy. Funny how it wasn't an issue until people started giving their opinions that weren't favorable to Lexy. The truth hurts. Now scramble for a reason to blame the husband for her serial cheating. Don't work no matter how you slice it Lexy or DOT. What Lexy did and is still doing (trolling for men) is wrong. Cheating is wrong and there is no excuse she can give. If she wants to have multiple partners, then divorce her husband and let him find someone more respectful and trustworthy. The kids will be fine in happy broken homes, then a unhappy together home! Here's a thought Lexy, most of your posts are really late at night or really early morning. Not really appropriate for a married woman, up all night trolling for men on the internet. I'm sure your husband is ok with that though(right:eek:) Anyway, why not stop logging into any computer for a week and focus on your husband. Seems to me you blam his porn addiction to this whole mess yet you seem to have an addiction of your own.They both seem to have issues. The problem is, neither of them want to deal with their own problems. It seems Lex (based soley on what she's posted in this thread) would rather point the finger at her H, and her H would rather it all just go away. Two dysfunctional halves do not make a healthy whole.
blueskyahead Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 1. Again, it was not an excuse or a great justification. I did say that understood her potential motivation better then most here. Well. I don't think the point of this thread is her motivations for her affairs. She don't need to be reminded of her motivations. She knows why she did what she did. Since the point was for her to determine whether or not she should have an open marriage or divorce her husband, basically what to do with her marriage. So I guess the point of her husbands porn addiction is null and void for this thread. Thanks Dot for taking the thread off the rails a bit though
blueskyahead Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 They both seem to have issues. The problem is, neither of them want to deal with their own problems. It seems Lex (based soley on what she's posted in this thread) would rather point the finger at her H, and her H would rather it all just go away. Two dysfunctional halves do not make a healthy whole. So true. The best solution would be to divorce and just move on and be happy!
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 But respectfully, DOT, who are you to diagnose her H with porn addiction? Sure, you are familiar with it, but are you qualified to clinically diagnose a man you've never net? I'd say no one here is. As I said before, it doesn't matter whether anyone here thinks she cheated during the separation. What matters is whether the H thinks he was cheated on. Again, I have said 3-4 times in this thread ALONE that it would need to be confirmed by a CSAT. It seems like some of you are skimming and responding only to the part which would be emotionally triggering. As a standard when talking to wives with this issue I have listed symptoms etc and personal experience and suggested reading up on it and confirming with a specialist. The funny thing is that usually some defenders jump up and down and say things like "I do that behaviour x often and I don't act like x so inmost benign addict too. Or then everyone's an addict." Helloooo, just because you have 2 beer on a Saturday night doesn't make you an alcoholic, it also doesn't mean that you aren't if the behaviour gets out of control. That's why there are certain symptoms of it and certain ways to check and see. Addictive things don't tend to be like some magic dye, where you try it once and all of a sudden you stick out in a crowd.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Well. I don't think the point of this thread is her motivations for her affairs. She don't need to be reminded of her motivations. She knows why she did what she did. Since the point was for her to determine whether or not she should have an open marriage or divorce her husband, basically what to do with her marriage. So I guess the point of her husbands porn addiction is null and void for this thread. Thanks Dot for taking the thread off the rails a bit though Her husband's intimacy issues are just as important as her's to detemining the outcome of the marriage. They are also her #1 complaint and a large part of why she is asking for an open marriage. Her husband might even be relieved that he doesn't have to deal with her sex anymore. Some of the SA are like that.
blueskyahead Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 There's already been OW and I said in the other thread that RAs were generally started from a different motivation, not that it was "completely different" in results or structure. Furthermore, no one said that serial cheating is the same porn addiction but I will say that my H's running around is actually easier to deal with then the porn addiction. And it was actually LESS damaging then the porn addiction, having experienced both. Why is this such a difficult concept? So Dot I have to play devil's advocate, so here goes. You claim that her motivation for her affairs were understandable. How about your husband? Maybe he had is affair because you made him feel guilty and dirty about the porn. Maybe his hiding away with porn was motivated by your reaction to him as well. (Don't get me wrong, what he did was disgusting and you didn't deserve it) I'm just playing tit for tat. That's all. You may be cheering miss lexy on a bit too much.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 DR. DOT. I have a feeling that watching porn a few times a week is not an addiction. It's like saying I drink a couple cans of beer a week, I'm addicted. Ummmm NO! You are taking your experience(and I am sorry for what you went through - it's disgusting what your husband did) and driving it down peoples throats as a way of patting Lex on the back for what she did. What her husband is doing and what your husband did is completely different. I know that it might look that way. And I would agree that watching porn to get off a few times a week may or may not constitute addiction. I sm sure if you ask my H about his usage he may say "a couple times a month." um, yeah, not so. And this guy knows that w wants sex from him and has for years. This was an issue long before she did what she did. And again, what she did wasn't right or excusable. But what she did doesn't mean that he didn't do anything to kill the intimacy between them. Simple really. Heck if I were her husband, knowing about all her affairs and knowing she is still trolling the internet:sick:, I wouldn't want to touch her either. Bring on the porn cause I know those ho's are safe when they are on the screen. That may be the case for you. So, was he ignoring her and watching porn for years because he knew that she was going to separate from him and date others? We'd have to ask him. I have a feeling he's "busy."
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 So Dot I have to play devil's advocate, so here goes. You claim that her motivation for her affairs were understandable. How about your husband? Maybe he had is affair because you made him feel guilty and dirty about the porn. Maybe his hiding away with porn was motivated by your reaction to him as well. (Don't get me wrong, what he did was disgusting and you didn't deserve it) I'm just playing tit for tat. That's all. You may be cheering miss lexy on a bit too much. I wasn't aware of his porn addiction and cheating until after I had dealt with my own porn addiction and was 8 months pregnant. His arrest due to being in a public place greatly changed my world. Porn wasn't something we talked too much about in our marriage and relationship before that, simply because I wasn't aware of it. I was aware of my moody husband who wanted sex less and less. He would often claim stomachache. We even went to a few doctors over his stomach problems. I was pretty naive.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Welp I see this whole thread has totally gotten out of hand and I'm out. This thread was NOT a debate between cheating and porn addiction ! BUT once again (just as many other threads... some that have actually been closed) it's all about other's agendas. GET IT... IT'S NOT HELPFUL !! JMK/blueskyahead, I have zero idea where you get the idea that I'm trolling for men... somewhere in your own warped mind I suppose . Lecturer, you were right in your first post that I have come to the wrong place to ask for help. The only thing I can say about porn in general is that it takes away from sex and alot of other things in a relationship... period. I doubt my husband has a porn addiction and can someone PLEASE tell me where I used this as justification for my past infidelity? It's bull**** ! I didn't and I am sickened that ppl are putting words in my mouth.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 lexygirl, from what i understand in one of your previous posts, it sounds as if both you and your husband are both dealing with some mental health issues ( depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder). Have you both received an actual diagnosis, and, if so, have you been able to obtain any kind of treatment for these issues? I'm asking because, depending on what type of counselor you may have, they may or may not be adequately qualified to treat these issues. From what i understand, both depression and OCD respond well to a treatment plan that involves both medication ( if required) as well as some form of therapy. It sounds as if you both need to deal with your own issues before you can start to deal with the issues in your marriage..good luck and much peace to you and yours:) Thank you for your post, Frozensprouts. Yes, these issues have been diagnosed and dealt with. It's just that they are a contributing factor to past unheaval for us. Thanks.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I'll ask that anymore porn/sex-addiction Qs be directed to another thread, maybe my own would work better to preserve this one. Sorry I helped chunk out this thread.
Crabbies Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Welp I see this whole thread has totally gotten out of hand and I'm out. This thread was NOT a debate between cheating and porn addiction ! BUT once again (just as many other threads... some that have actually been closed) it's all about other's agendas. GET IT... IT'S NOT HELPFUL !! JMK/blueskyahead, I have zero idea where you get the idea that I'm trolling for men... somewhere in your own warped mind I suppose . Lecturer, you were right in your first post that I have come to the wrong place to ask for help. The only thing I can say about porn in general is that it takes away from sex and alot of other things in a relationship... period. I doubt my husband has a porn addiction and can someone PLEASE tell me where I used this as justification for my past infidelity? It's bull**** ! I didn't and I am sickened that ppl are putting words in my mouth. So Lexygirl, just let me get this out of the way for the sake of continuity. View 1: You're a low-down no-good tramp who doesn't deserve a decent husband who loves his cars, (or was it trucks?, probably trucks) more than you.... Shame, shame. you shameless hussy whoring yourself around town to any tom dick or harry you might meet. View 2: You're a very hurt, sad lady who wants a sex life and should not feel ashamed for wanting what's a "normal" part of marriage...You're husband is not doing his duty in that department leaving you feeling neglected, lonely and miserable for many years. I'll go with View 2, (I suggest you do the same and ignore the others. They are really talking to their own spouses rather than you...Playing their own version of the "bitch tape"* substituting "cheater" for bitch) From what you've said your husband's sex drive waned LONG before you looked elsewhere so that's not the issue although it might make it more difficult now. The only way forward I can see is talking to an impartial outside party... counsellor, pastor. I don't know...someone who's not going to condemn/blame you for the problem. Does your husband want this fixed? If so, he's gonna have to open up and talk. Hiding behind his trucks is childish avoiding behaviour and totally unacceptable... If he loves or wants you, he's gonna have to talk this through so you both can come to some conclusion and move forward or on... Peace and good luck, Lexygirl *the bitch tape from "The Batterer"http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=uOpOk09GMwYC&pg=PA44&lpg=PA44&dq=the+bitch+tape+the+batterer&source=bl&ots=SY6KmJcpfu&sig=KO3TWND9sPNL0pdhva8-7pQKjhI&hl=en&ei=yONLTuvQPMGxhQeEmKH9Bw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBgQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
2.50 a gallon Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I ask those who are so strongly attached to the all cheaters are evil, what do you say about those who suffer from a Mid-Life Crisis? In many cases the person who withdraws from the union can be suffering from a form of mental illiness. Their bodies begin to fill their brains with the wrong chemicals and there is nothing that they can do about it. An all to common subject on the Separation and Divorce site is " I Love You, But I Am Not In Love With You". This can come from either gender, but it seems to be more prevelant coming from the wife. Again, their bodies are no longer flooding their brains with love chemicals, and there is nothing they can do about it. And sadly sometimes, such as in Lexy's case, she wishes there was something that they could do. Whether we like it or not, quite often our lives are governed by the chemicals that our bodies produce. Lexy, especially and Onyx, DOT et. al. I urge you to Google "How Love Works" and then click on the HowStuffWorks site. It will explain how we, and especailly women fall in and out of love
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Thanks for the reference. Can always use more references :-)
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Oh yeah, to the porn-addict. Again it cannot be compared.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Again it cannot be compared. Bring it over to my thread. PS: can too
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Bring it over to my thread. PS: can too No it cannot.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Prove it on my thread. Bring you expert brilliance and great resolve to a place that can handle it: my thread. My thread is a thread of experts, you will be welcome there ( well until you start acting like a jackass). Consider yourself cordially invited to has it out there for all the eternity of LS. We can have 26 pages dedicated to: "Yes it can and here's why" To which you can reply with such great pearls as: "No" "Nuh-uh" "No, you have it wrong." "because it can't" "it just can't" and "you already know it can't" Oh whatever else. Let's go over there. My thread hasn't been visited in awhile. Actually I don't think you ever posted on it. Time to balance that out, right? It's in the Addiction forum I think.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Prove it on my thread. Bring you expert brilliance and great resolve to a place that can handle it: my thread. My thread is a thread of experts, you will be welcome there ( well until you start acting like a jackass). Consider yourself cordially invited to has it out there for all the eternity of LS. We can have 26 pages dedicated to: "Yes it can and here's why" To which you can reply with such great pearls as: "No" "Nuh-uh" "No, you have it wrong." "because it can't" "it just can't" and "you already know it can't" Oh whatever else. Let's go over there. My thread hasn't been visited in awhile. Actually I don't think you ever posted on it. Time to balance that out, right? It's in the Addiction forum I think. Porn addiction is not comparable to cheating.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yes it is. See how easy it was to settle that? It is not.
Crabbies Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Prove it on my thread. Bring you expert brilliance and great resolve to a place that can handle it: my thread. My thread is a thread of experts, you will be welcome there ( well until you start acting like a jackass). Consider yourself cordially invited to has it out there for all the eternity of LS. We can have 26 pages dedicated to: "Yes it can and here's why" To which you can reply with such great pearls as: "No" "Nuh-uh" "No, you have it wrong." "because it can't" "it just can't" and "you already know it can't". :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::love:
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