Here's my dilemma...

[OnyxSnowfall]

Arrogance and your all-knowing attitude will surely get your mind far in life

 

No actually... we don't all know what "cheating" is... it varies from each individual. Ideally, people pair up with others whose values/beliefs are similar. I am sorry, but to a person interested in monogamy... and to someone interested in polygamy... there is a disparity in "definitions". It is not black and white, it is NOT an absolute truth.

 

Good luck with your ideas though =/...

[dreamingoftigers]

BTW I had my own struggle with porn addiction. So I get it, I actually do, but truth be told, that made it more painful.

 

Wrote a thread about being porn free for 2 years.

Porn ****-stained my marriage more then some lonely little bitches did.

[John Michael Kane]

Looking at porn does not mean that you have an addiction anymore then having a beer makes you an automatic alcoholic. Frankly, dealing with being the spouse of a porn addict was worse. I could give you a list of nice resins if you want. If you are interested in the experience of someone who has been through it. If not, whatever.

 

That's not relevant to this case.

 

The porn addiction was not an "added offence" and it was actually much harder to understand. It was also particularly devastating to know that the man I loved had actually altered his brain in a way that might make actual sexual intimacy impossible for him, period. Not everyone is predisposed to porn addiction. Depends on the limbic structure of the individual.

 

You partially described an addiction to porn, which shows that it's not cheating.

 

Sexual and porn addiction are relatively new concepts. Common sense has altered with the times and will continue to. Sadly "common" sense is often "nonsense" as well.

 

Common sense doesn't alter with time and porn and sexual addiction is nothing new.

 

Tell me how it is "entirely different" it sounds like I need an education on my own life.

 

Tell me how it affects a betrayed spouse so very differently. I am so curious to hear your inside perspective on this.

 

Oh it's not my perspective, it is a fact.

 

You mentioned something about cheating being a planned event, how about snaking money from household funds at Christmastime when your business has just failed and you cannot afford to keep the electricity on, and instead of even getting your wife or child a pathetic gift: you use the money to but a brand new laptop to hide in the garage to wank off to porn every time your wife goes out or falls asleep. Then you start looking up the free public wireless all over town so that you can wank off and take an extra long time running errands and so forth. Is that planned event enough for you? Just curious how planned it has to be to come close.

 

Now you're going off-topic.

[John Michael Kane]

Arrogance and your all-knowing attitude will surely get your mind far in life

 

My confidence surely has gotten me far, along with my determination. It has gotten me a decent job, nice home for my son and a cool girlfriend. Thanks.

 

No actually... we don't all know what "cheating" is... it varies from each individual. Ideally, people pair up with others whose values/beliefs are similar. I am sorry, but to a person interested in monogamy... and to someone interested in polygamy... there is a disparity in "definitions". It is not black and white, it is NOT an absolute truth.

 

Please, okay? No need to be dramatic. We all know what cheating is and why it is wrong. If you're going to argue semantics we can go all day in circles but it's tiring to my fingers.

 

Good luck with your ideas though =/...

 

I don't have any "ideas," that's you trying to sell me your "ideas."

[John Michael Kane]

BTW I had my own struggle with porn addiction. So I get it, I actually do, but truth be told, that made it more painful.

 

Wrote a thread about being porn free for 2 years.

Porn ****-stained my marriage more then some lonely little bitches did.

 

That's good for you Dreaming that you accomplished that.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's not relevant to this case.

 

If it isn't relevant to this case, then your personal experience and opinions aren't either.

 

You partially described an addiction to porn, which shows that it's not cheating.

 

because in your opinion cheating and addictions can never cross paths? Or am I missing something?

 

Common sense doesn't alter with time and porn and sexual addiction is nothing new.

 

That is very contrary to today's common sense. Common sense is based on time and culture. Sexual addiction wasn't even properly labelled until the 80s and has not even been fully accepted to this day. Most men still believe that porn isn't addictive either. Missed the mark here my friend... Looks like we better just stick to pasta night :-)

 

Oh it's not my perspective, it is a fact.

 

Have anything to back up your facts or do you forget the original statement when you go to quote too? Dammit. I need like six windows open when I get into it with you!

 

Now you're going off-topic.

 

Topic is porn-addiction vs. Cheating and how it possibly affected (can or could) this relationship. One element ment

[dreamingoftigers]

Mentioned is pre-planning. Still on topic. Yay.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's good for you Dreaming that you accomplished that.

 

Thank you, it became a rather non-issue after I was away from it for six months. I have seen flashes of it from finding H's stuff and it does nothing for me anymore. Just like when I was 20 and quit drinking and coffee. I hope the same thing happens with sugar.

 

Oh crap, how have I not been banned for threadjacking?

[OnyxSnowfall]

JMK - wow. Anyway, IF YOU HAVE the time to type "we can go all day with semantics, I am not going to bother" MORE than once, then obviously you COULD go into it if you wanted to... hmm... what prevents you? It's not that you wish to not waste time... repeating yourself is essentially wasting the time. Keep covering it up though =x

 

If "my" idea is that people have "different" ideas, then I guess I am trying to sell that to you. For shame.

 

By the way, there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence... and I'm not impressed you've managed to get a nice home, find a girlfriend and have son. Hopefully you treat her right and she's happy with you and you with her and your son sees that and can build an idea of what a relationship is truly about. That's the important stuff. Yes, porn can be trivial between a couple --- it's not between a lot of them. For someone that is adamant about "cheating" being worth lynching someone over, you certainly have a very personal and confined view of it. Really... I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just trying to tell you that hurt is hurt, and hurt comes in several forms.

[John Michael Kane]

If it isn't relevant to this case, then your personal experience and opinions aren't either.

 

Then the same would apply to you except I'm just stating a fact.

 

because in your opinion cheating and addictions can never cross paths? Or am I missing something?

 

They cannot cross paths because they are different. It's a fact. You can't equate cheating with a porn addiction.

 

That is very contrary to today's common sense. Common sense is based on time and culture. Sexual addiction wasn't even properly labelled until the 80s and has not even been fully accepted to this day. Most men still believe that porn isn't addictive either. Missed the mark here my friend... Looks like we better just stick to pasta night :-)

 

Most men? See why are you only referring to men? That's sexist. Women have addictions to porn to.

 

Have anything to back up your facts or do you forget the original statement when you go to quote too? Dammit. I need like six windows open when I get into it with you!

 

LOL It's a fact. Look it up.

 

Topic is porn-addiction vs. Cheating and how it possibly affected (can or could) this relationship. One element ment

 

Actually the original topic is about Lexy's marriage.

[John Michael Kane]

JMK - wow. Anyway, IF YOU HAVE the time to type "we can go all day with semantics, I am not going to bother" MORE than once, then obviously you COULD go into it if you wanted to... hmm... what prevents you? It's not that you wish to not waste time... repeating yourself is essentially wasting the time. Keep covering it up though =x

 

I'm not the one repeating myself. That is you trying to bore your ideology inside me.

 

If "my" idea is that people have "different" ideas, then I guess I am trying to sell that to you. For shame.

 

By the way, there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence...

 

Those two words are interchangeable.

 

and I'm not impressed you've managed to get a nice home, find a girlfriend and have son.

 

Not trying to be mean but I never asked for approval.

 

Hopefully you treat her right and she's happy with you and you with her and your son sees that and can build an idea of what a relationship is truly about.

 

Yes I do and little man sees it.

 

That's the important stuff. Yes, porn can be trivial between a couple --- it's not between a lot of them. For someone that is adamant about "cheating" being worth lynching someone over, you certainly have a very personal and confined view of it.

 

To say that I'm "lynching" is an overstatement. Just because one is strong believer in something doesn't mean they will "lynch" someone.

 

Really... I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just trying to tell you that hurt is hurt, and hurt comes in several forms.

 

Hurt comes in many ways, but to stay on topic the cheating is inexcusable, no matter who was watching porn. Paragraphs can be written or typed but it's still inexcusable.

[dreamingoftigers]

Then the same would apply to you except I'm just stating a fact.

 

I was going to put that both our experiences cancelled out.

 

They cannot cross paths because they are different. It's a fact. You can't equate cheating with a porn addiction.

 

Problem here, my husband is a sexual and porn addict (porn addiction is actually a subset to sexual addiction but for ease of convo I'll go against the grain and split them up. With the sexual addiction end of things he has "acted out" with various women compulsively for quite some time. So he is either cheating on me OR addicted then. Which is it? If he is cheating on me then should he not continue to get treatment for sexual addiction? If he us an addict should I not be as upset as if he was cheating on me?

 

Most men? See why are you only referring to men? That's sexist. Women have addictions to porn to.

 

Let's just say that I am aware of that. I agree it was a sexist statement. Most people do not believe that porn is addictive these days.[/b

 

LOL It's a fact. Look it up.

 

I am sure that something is a fact by now, something out there, six quilted ago may or may not be a fact by now. It was once an opinion, but it might have reached maturity.

 

Actually the original topic is about Lexy's marriage.

 

Oh yeah, to the porn-addict.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Sheesh... okay, my apologies, when I used the word "lynch" it was intended to elicit a point, not to be taken literally. How on Earth could I possibly know if you've really lynched someone, JMK?

 

Anyway, it's good that your little one sees your relationship shine, yes. I'm just going to leave it at that, and I hope your relationship continues to flourish.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, it will go on and on. LOL.

 

I don't quit easily either. :-)

[jthorne]

You know, nowhere in the OP's posts did she mention the porn addiction until someone else brought it up. Why is that? If it were such an important fact, it seems to me she would have brought it up, no? Seems really odd to me that someone would give us a reminder of her situation in the OP but leave that particular fact out. So maybe it's possible that in writing the OP, it wasn't in the forefront of her mind. Interesting how someone else had to bring it up for her. Then it conveniently became the excuse to justify the cheating. Curious.

 

You all can argue all you want about whether the OP cheated, or whether the H is addicted to porn for that matter. It doesn't change jack. If the H feels he was cheated on during the separation, then that's what counts. If a therapist concludes that watching porn 4 times a week constitutes an addiction, then that's what counts.

 

Frankly, after reading this thread, it's clear to me that neither party really want to save the M. They're both checked out and are circling the drain until the kids are out of the house. And if the separations are too hard on the kids, playing nice and acting civilly like brother and sister is what they should continue to do for the sake of the kids. Bringing an open marriage or cheating into the mix isn't going to solve anything, but make the divorce more acrimonious when it eventually happens.

[alexandria35]

Well, CL is always a guarantee for sure LOL.

 

Grapevine for another,

 

The Back Alley

 

And Tequila back in the day.

 

Last resort you could always call my husband LOL.

 

OMG! The Back Alley? lol..boy do I feel old. I used to go there like 20 years ago.

[alexandria35]

alexandria ---

 

Did the porn ever cease from your ex partner's use? Was it ever "proven" that he could masturbate without it and get about his "life" just fine?

 

If so, I'll concede --- otherwise............

 

it's namely irrelevant, as imagination can replace "material". It doesn't have to be about the "porn".

 

I'm not going to dispute that porn can't be a healthy addition to someone's sex life or even to a couple's sex life. Such is some people's cup of tea that just goes so well with their dessert. They can keep it moderated and or compartmentalized and or have mutual/cohesive harmonious perceptions of it.

 

This concept can extend well into particular polygamous relationships even.

 

I suppose what you've brought up is the real root to it --- an issue regarding "actual intimacy" with "another living being", hopefully one that is "loved" and regarded well. But to turn to poor substitutes does not help anyone involved... beyond realizing it for what it is, and trying to grow beyond it.

 

If porn is all that's going down for someone who is married to someone who is even longing for sex... I don't care HOW frequent or infrequent it is perceived... there's something wrong.

 

No he didn't have to have porn and when he looked at it, it was only for a few minutes to help him achieve orgasm. I don't think the pictures of naked girls and masturbation were about sex for him at all...he himself would say that he was not a sexual person, but he had a physical need for ejaculation and some mild visual stimulation helped him get it done. It seemed like something he wanted to get over quickly. He didn't spend hours and hours viewing porn and fantasizing about other women, he just wanted to orgasm and then get on with the day. He could masturbate without porn but it wasn't as effiecient. It might have taken him 5 minutes to orgasm without porn but only 2 minutes with some porn..lol..he wanted to save time.

 

He had a lot of emotional problems and I also found his lack of sexual interest in me very painful. It wasn't about sex for me either. Oh sure there was definitely some sexual frustration involved for me, but mostly it was about feeling unloved and undesirable by my partner...very painful indeed.

[blueskyahead]

Porn addiction is incomparable to serial cheating.

 

JMK her opinion's a little biased. Here Dreamingof tigers claims that porn addiction is the same as a serial cheater. Yet I read last night on another thread that she thinks that a revenge affair is not as bad as the actual affair. Completely different I think she posted.

[blueskyahead]

It cannot be compared to cheating.

 

Nope bring a OW into the mix DOT and boy you'd be into a world of hurt. You'd be begging for the porn back.

[blueskyahead]

No he didn't train wreck anything and she didn't "react."

 

Cheating is not a reaction.

 

 

EXACTLY - Serial cheating(that's what Lexy did) was a choice. Not a reaction. A reaction - :laugh:That's complete horses@it!

[blueskyahead]

So, the whole porn addict thing. Here's one!

 

I have read in other threads in the sexual area that Lexy had mentioned she enjoyed watching porn. She talked about sex and getting hot in these threads enough(inappropriate for a married woman BTW:sick:) Does this mean she's not only a serial cheater but a porn addict as well?

 

 

Here's a thought Lex, try watching porn with your husband. Now as a man, enjoying porn with my wife is HOT. Talk about turning up the sexual heat button in the room!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

There's already been OW and I said in the other thread that RAs were generally started from a different motivation, not that it was "completely different" in results or structure.

 

Furthermore, no one said that serial cheating is the same porn addiction but I will say that my H's running around is actually easier to deal with then the porn addiction. And it was actually LESS damaging then the porn addiction, having experienced both.

 

Why is this such a difficult concept?

[dreamingoftigers]

You know, nowhere in the OP's posts did she mention the porn addiction until someone else brought it up. Why is that? If it were such an important fact, it seems to me she would have brought it up, no? Seems really odd to me that someone would give us a reminder of her situation in the OP but leave that particular fact out. So maybe it's possible that in writing the OP, it wasn't in the forefront of her mind. Interesting how someone else had to bring it up for her. Then it conveniently became the excuse to justify the cheating. Curious.

 

You all can argue all you want about whether the OP cheated, or whether the H is addicted to porn for that matter. It doesn't change jack. If the H feels he was cheated on during the separation, then that's what counts. If a therapist concludes that watching porn 4 times a week constitutes an addiction, then that's what counts.

 

Frankly, after reading this thread, it's clear to me that neither party really want to save the M. They're both checked out and are circling the drain until the kids are out of the house. And if the separations are too hard on the kids, playing nice and acting civilly like brother and sister is what they should continue to do for the sake of the kids. Bringing an open marriage or cheating into the mix isn't going to solve anything, but make the divorce more acrimonious when it eventually happens.

 

1. Again, it was not an excuse or a great justification. I did say that understood her potential motivation better then most here.

 

2. In one of her other threads questioning whether or not to go she has clearly listed off (oh cripes, two threads if I think about it) her struggles with trying to be intimate with her H, including a vacation and his preference (replacement of her really) with porn. Dude is virtually unreactive to her and if OP wants I could go through post by post, line by line underlining potential symptoms ( and I was say potential because he would need to go to a CSAT for confirmation).

 

3. It's pretty damn easy to be dismissive when dealing with a reactive poster like Lexygirl, and it's pretty damn easy when you aren't wearing those shoes.

 

4. Both parties are going to be pretty emotionally short-circuited at this point.

[jthorne]

1. Again, it was not an excuse or a great justification. I did say that understood her potential motivation better then most here.

 

2. In one of her other threads questioning whether or not to go she has clearly listed off (oh cripes, two threads if I think about it) her struggles with trying to be intimate with her H, including a vacation and his preference (replacement of her really) with porn. Dude is virtually unreactive to her and if OP wants I could go through post by post, line by line underlining potential symptoms ( and I was say potential because he would need to go to a CSAT for confirmation).

 

3. It's pretty damn easy to be dismissive when dealing with a reactive poster like Lexygirl, and it's pretty damn easy when you aren't wearing those shoes.

 

4. Both parties are going to be pretty emotionally short-circuited at this point.

But respectfully, DOT, who are you to diagnose her H with porn addiction? Sure, you are familiar with it, but are you qualified to clinically diagnose a man you've never net?

 

I'd say no one here is.

 

As I said before, it doesn't matter whether anyone here thinks she cheated during the separation. What matters is whether the H thinks he was cheated on.

[blueskyahead]

Well as someone mentioned in a previous post. Until someone else brought up the porn addiction, it wasn't a concern to Lexy. Funny how it wasn't an issue until people started giving their opinions that weren't favorable to Lexy. The truth hurts.

 

Now scramble for a reason to blame the husband for her serial cheating. Don't work no matter how you slice it Lexy or DOT. What Lexy did and is still doing (trolling for men) is wrong. Cheating is wrong and there is no excuse she can give. If she wants to have multiple partners, then divorce her husband and let him find someone more respectful and trustworthy. The kids will be fine in happy broken homes, then a unhappy together home!

 

Here's a thought Lexy, most of your posts are really late at night or really early morning. Not really appropriate for a married woman, up all night trolling for men on the internet. I'm sure your husband is ok with that though(right:eek:) Anyway, why not stop logging into any computer for a week and focus on your husband. Seems to me you blam his porn addiction to this whole mess yet you seem to have an addiction of your own.