OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Dreamingoftigers --- my apologies for the inquiries that I'm about to make... I guess I have yet to gain access to PM's, otherwise I would attempt that route but. I am awfully curious as to why you remain in a marriage that, from even just this thread, seems devoid of... your best interest? =O Or is it that your best interest is in learning about these things, so that you can reach out to others? Sometimes I think the universe is sadistically helpful in such ways (again, my apologies... I will try to scour your posts to piece together some of it myself). I just can't help but wonder... WHY? Why put up with it? =/
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 ROTFLMAO...don't mean to go off topic but Dreaming you crack me up. I have been single and celibate for almost a year now and I live in Calgary too! You mean to tell me I can get good sex in 25 minutes and still be discerning? OMG..Where?? Oh I'm pretty sure I could go on down to my skeevy neighborhood pub or on to something like CL and find some sex in no time, but I wouldn't consider that being discerning. So dish the goods Girl! Sorry gotta read the discerning part again. Oh jeez LOL. Depends on your age and *how* discerning. But there is a gender imbalance here and has been since the boom. If you are up to 25 there are plenty if great student hangouts. Almost ANY mixed gym in the city is predominantly male, especially because of the women's only gyms popping up. Just let them know that you are open game, it's on. Sensitive guy.... Ha ha good luck!
manup Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Two things: 1. Every other but that I have read about her threads tells me that there is having dealt with literally hundreds of wives with the same issues (some in here, most IRL, and a ton email me. I always say the same thing (this time excepted, we'll call it "Slightly Pissed Day") GET IT CONFIRMED BY A SPECIALIST. 2. Porn addicts ALWAYS lie about there usage. If he is admitting to 3-4 times a week, have fun with that math. Sorry JMK, I don't want to quell the righteous hurricane you got going on but this guy walks and quacks like a duck and she's got the same deal as about 98% of those spouses. Dude, pull up some links and take a gander at it all if you must. When her H does the porno deed, I bet it deadens a lot of the other emotional reactions. He can't deal with em, and this marriage is a pressure cooker for someone with these issues. Lexygirl, don't just take my word for it, seriously. Go to a CSAT. I'll take a stab here, a lot of the marriage in the early days was built on sex and that is how you feel loved. Lots of women wanted the cards and flowers but you wanted the sex, without making him work too hard for it. Now that he dropped you, it is like you wanna climb the walls? PM me if you like.... I'm so glad my generation grew up with porn, you women are insane.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Dreamingoftigers --- my apologies for the inquiries that I'm about to make... I guess I have yet to gain access to PM's, otherwise I would attempt that route but. I am awfully curious as to why you remain in a marriage that, from even just this thread, seems devoid of... your best interest? =O Or is it that your best interest is in learning about these things, so that you can reach out to others? Sometimes I think the universe is sadistically helpful in such ways (again, my apologies... I will try to scour your posts to piece together some of it myself). I just can't help but wonder... WHY? Why put up with it? =/ I am exiting, it is understood between my H and I. We have financial things to settle and will be entering into a Healing Separation, at that point it will soften the blow/help us (or at least me ) to work on our personal issues and there remains a possibility that we could become healthy enough to give the family a chance. But with what has happened after treatment I am not holding my breath. I truly want to be able to tell my daughter I exhausted every last option for her to have her healthy birth family. I still love my husband, but yes, I know that I deserve a better life and if he really wishes to choose his addiction over having an intimate relationship with me and having us raise our daughter together, I have to respect his choices. No matter how idiotic I think that is.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 manup - I'm sure you are ... I'm sure there's bones of men, tossing and turning in their graves (or ashes that have been absorbed in the ocean or in the earth), crying out that it's unfair that they had to live life without the beautiful convenience of instant porn access, possible on even a cell phone in these modern times It's nuffin special. Even some women may be rolling in their graves. The idea is to find a being that one can ENJOY LIFE with. Sometimes people just have values that exist in a minority and that's hard to accomplish.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I'm so glad my generation grew up with porn, you women are insane. Sweetheart, I am in my 20s. Families in this generation are screwed. I feel so bad for my daughter.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 I believe you when you say that the sexual issues were there before you seperated but since you have been back home you have done nothing but humilate and belittle your husband, both here and to his face. This on top of having sex with several men during your seperation which was only for 2 months. Since that time you have spoken endlessly about your pain in the marriage due to the lack of sex and your lack of attraction to your husband. What are you getting out of this whole martyr act? Just leave already and put both you and your husband out of your misery. Who cares if he doesn't want the marriage to end. Your husband definitely has issues, otherwise he wouldn't be settling for this pathetic situation either. He may be hurt when you leave but at some point he will realize that that he is better off. You make some good points and thank you for your perspective. A couple things that aren't correct are these..... The attraction never started waning til I got so totally fed up with our issues that it was impossible to think of him as a sexual being anymore. Can you tell me -- in what way am I am humiliating and belittling him? Trust me, I have held back and kept ALOT inside. If coming out and being honest is considered humiliation then I'm guilty but I call it open communication.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 LOL oh you poor girl... don't know how you will ever eat at McDonald's again I haven't eaten there for at least 7 years and couldn't tell you the last time. Probably part if why he chose there. McDonald's Well I guess I should be kind of happy it wasn't at my favorite cafe or my friend's house or something.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 You make some good points and thank you for your perspective. A couple things that aren't correct are these..... The attraction never started waning til I got so totally fed up with our issues that it was impossible to think of him as a sexual being anymore. Can you tell me -- in what way am I am humiliating and belittling him? Trust me, I have held back and kept ALOT inside. If coming out and being honest is considered humiliation then I'm guilty but I call it open communication. As women, sometimes the way we lay things out to our partners is shaming, which can kill a man inside. One of the books I harassed you with before has a lot on that. You are pretty feeling-venty (yes, yes kettle meet pot). I have had to greatly tone that down around my husband not realizing the effect.
manup Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I guarantee you;re reading way too much into the porn thing, men use it as a release, not some intimate ceremony intended to hurt you women. I guarantee he's spending like 5 minutes tops 4 times a week. It's insane she cheats on him literally multiple times and he's a bad guy for spending 20 minutes a week looking at porn? Pretty much every man looks at porn probably as much as he does. You guys are nitpicking the porn is not the issue here, not at all. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone so nit-picky either. I'm sure he'd love to have sex with her, but there are probably a whole ton of issues related to her screwing other guys and other marital problems that are preventing him from doing that. The porn is not the issue, he's so far from being addicted to porn how you came up with that is mind boggling.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JC, I can tell you have deeply researched this and have personal experience being married to someone who would much rather have porn to the point where they are doing it in public. I can tell that you are familiar with sexual addiction and what it does to intimacy. So I totally respect your opinion She's been married to the guy for 20 years. See how friendly you get when you are replaced by porn. See how bitchy you get. Jeezus. Alright, I could be wrong, but it follows all the same damn script as all the other ones. The difference here is that this one cheated. Just for the record, in the past Lexygirl has also PMed me, so there may be something extra not in thread. Let your mind be boggled. And I sincerely sincerely doubt it is 20 minutes a week. Get used to hearing about it. This generation is going to have craploads more failed relationships and marriages then any one before it. Google what exactly porn does to your brain.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Try dating one and let me know how it works out. Considering I am married to a serial cheater/porn-addict, if I had to pick one, I'd help him date. ****, I'd edit his online dating profile. The only issue I would have with that is the other people it would drag into it. It cannot be compared to cheating.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Two things: 1. Every other but that I have read about her threads tells me that there is having dealt with literally hundreds of wives with the same issues (some in here, most IRL, and a ton email me. I always say the same thing (this time excepted, we'll call it "Slightly Pissed Day") GET IT CONFIRMED BY A SPECIALIST. 2. Porn addicts ALWAYS lie about there usage. If he is admitting to 3-4 times a week, have fun with that math. Sorry JMK, I don't want to quell the righteous hurricane you got going on but this guy walks and quacks like a duck and she's got the same deal as about 98% of those spouses. Dude, pull up some links and take a gander at it all if you must. When her H does the porno deed, I bet it deadens a lot of the other emotional reactions. He can't deal with em, and this marriage is a pressure cooker for someone with these issues. Lexygirl, don't just take my word for it, seriously. Go to a CSAT. I'll take a stab here, a lot of the marriage in the early days was built on sex and that is how you feel loved. Lots of women wanted the cards and flowers but you wanted the sex, without making him work too hard for it. Now that he dropped you, it is like you wanna climb the walls? PM me if you like.... Again, porn addiction doesn't not come close to cheating.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JMK - I didn't imply that cheating solves the issue. I am merely trying to enlighten you as to how they are "both" damaging. Him looking at porn does not justify cheating. People cheat for various reasons --- while there are ALWAYS other options... to either indulging in porn or to cheating... there are ALWAYS reasons behind them. Doesn't matter if the people who are pursuing either one are unaware of those reasons --- they exist... People do not cheat for various reasons except one and it is selfishness. Nothing their partner does justifies cheating. Some reasons seem more "considerate" than others, some are just more easily "justified" than others. Both can hurt and wound someone else deeply. I don't know if there is/was a porn addiction with Lexy's husband or not, but... frankly, neither do you... regardless, she feels there is a sexual incompatibility and, when that goes unheeded... SOMETHING is bound to give. This is about how he feels. He's the one being abused here.... She could have left him, indefinitely. But she has her reasons for not --- as he has he reasons for continuing with her. You state the above as if he needs her. I think you're kindly mistaken on that front.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Duh, they both trainwrecked sexual intimacy. Now what? No it's not "both" of them.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 well, I can see that this is futile to post... but I, for better or worse, poured myself some wine and have crossed over into realms that simply do not care about futility and wasting time mashing buttons JMK - you are not being very open-minded... I suspect you think the same of those that are considering that an "addiction" to porn is similar to cheating. This is the way things are: SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER IT CHEATING. you cannot change that. you can justify your ways all you would like... to SOME PEOPLE, it FEELS like being "cheated" on... ESPECIALLY if lies and deception are involved. It comes down to boundaries. NOT EVERYONE'S BOUNDARIES ARE THE SAME! an addiction to porn can be compared to cheating to some people. maybe not to you --- just avoid getting involved in a relationship with someone who considers it akin to cheating. But trying to tell others that it's not, just because "you" don't see it that way, doesn't change the way they see it... if anything, it can fortify it. The end...
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I guarantee you;re reading way too much into the porn thing, men use it as a release, not some intimate ceremony intended to hurt you women. I guarantee he's spending like 5 minutes tops 4 times a week. It's insane she cheats on him literally multiple times and he's a bad guy for spending 20 minutes a week looking at porn? Pretty much every man looks at porn probably as much as he does. You guys are nitpicking the porn is not the issue here, not at all. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone so nit-picky either. I'm sure he'd love to have sex with her, but there are probably a whole ton of issues related to her screwing other guys and other marital problems that are preventing him from doing that. The porn is not the issue, he's so far from being addicted to porn how you came up with that is mind boggling. Highlighted post of the early morning here.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 It cannot be compared to cheating. Again, porn addiction doesn't not come close to cheating. Yes it can and does. Having experienced both, bring on the cheating, it is LESS destructive to a BS. Serial cheating is iffy though. Since you have only had experience with one, you don't truly have a way of knowing. How much have you even read about it? Just curious. Or is this another "because it is and I say so?"
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 No it's not "both" of them. Okay, I'll give. He trainwrecked sexual intimacy and she reacted, rare to see you so forgiving of infidelity. Going soft?
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 well, I can see that this is futile to post... but I, for better or worse, poured myself some wine and have crossed over into realms that simply do not care about futility and wasting time mashing buttons JMK - you are not being very open-minded... I suspect you think the same of those that are considering that an "addiction" to porn is similar to cheating. It's not that I'm not open-minded, it's just that we see things differently. This is the way things are: SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER IT CHEATING. I never heard anyone say that out of the 26 years I've been living here and even if a few did, it's not true. you cannot change that. Change what? I'm not trying to change anything. The claim that looking at porn is somehow cheating is ridiculous. you can justify your ways all you would like... to SOME PEOPLE, it FEELS like being "cheated" on... ESPECIALLY if lies and deception are involved. I'm not trying to justify anything, but wanking off a couple days out of the week is not cheating, and to stereotype that to specifically men is shining the sexism on this "issue." It comes down to boundaries. NOT EVERYONE'S BOUNDARIES ARE THE SAME! What do you mean everyone's boundaries are not the same? You're arguing semantics. People have control over their actions and they know that cheating is wrong. an addiction to porn can be compared to cheating to some people. Really? Then why stay in the relationship? Why continue to take such "abuse" if it's such betrayal? A porn addiction is not cheating. It's an addiction. Cheating is not an addiction, it is a planned decision. maybe not to you --- just avoid getting involved in a relationship with someone who considers it akin to cheating. Looking at porn or having a porn addiction is not cheating. But trying to tell others that it's not, just because "you" don't see it that way, doesn't change the way they see it... if anything, it can fortify it. And trying to tell others that it is, just because YOU think so doesn't change the fact about the difference between porn and cheating. The end... Right.....
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Yes it can and does. Having experienced both, bring on the cheating, it is LESS destructive to a BS. Serial cheating is iffy though. No it cannot and it doesn't. Since you have only had experience with one, you don't truly have a way of knowing. I look at porn too, so I technically I have "experience" with both. You only view the porn addiction as an "added offense" because you were cheated on. How much have you even read about it? Just curious. Or is this another "because it is and I say so?" You don't need to be an expert in something to know common sense. Again cheating is entirely different to watching porn or having an addiction to porn.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Okay, I'll give. He trainwrecked sexual intimacy and she reacted, rare to see you so forgiving of infidelity. Going soft? No he didn't train wreck anything and she didn't "react." Cheating is not a reaction.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) Hehehe... JmK --- If you haven't "encountered" the idea that some people feel that viewing pornography is cheating, then you need to expose yourself to more people or at least conceive of the possibility... at least humor that it is capable of existing outside of your own exposure. Next... define cheating. What is cheating to you? I think if we can grasp what one another defines as cheating, it may be easier to "debate" this matter. Finally. If you didn't get that I was trying to say that to some people it's not cheating but to others it is cheating, then I can't help you there. That's my take on it... by boundaries I simply mean that, to one person it may very well not be cheating (I was trying to use you as an example for that) while to another it very well may be. Some people just don't understand why someone may need porn --- often times it's because it involves self-projection... they themselves can only see how they could be interested in it, and that interest doesn't come from a good place. Edited August 17, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall intoxication
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Hehehe... JmK --- If you haven't "encountered" the idea that some people feel that viewing pornography is cheating, then you need to expose yourself to more people or at least conceive of the possibility can exist outside of your own exposure. I don't need to expose myself to anything. I already know this "issue" is irrelevant, and is an "attack" on specifically men looking at porn. Never mind that women look at porn too. Viewing porn is not cheating. If that activity is viewed as cheating, then saying hello to another woman/man is cheating. You see where I'm going with this? Where do we draw the line? Next masturbating is cheating. Come on now. Next... define cheating. What is cheating to you? I think if we can grasp what one another defines as cheating, it may be easier to "debate" this matter. We all know what cheating is so let's not get into that debate and try to change the meaning of what cheating is. I love responding but I have my limits also. Finally. If you didn't get that I was trying to say that to some people it's not cheating but to others it is cheating, I can't help you there. That's my take on it... by boundaries I simply mean that, to one person it may very well not be cheating (I was trying to use you as an example for that) while to another it very well may be. No it's not just to one person. It's common sense. Some people just don't understand why someone may need porn --- often times it's because it involves self-projection... they themselves can only see how they could be interested in it, and that interest doesn't come from a good place. Porn is not even the issue here.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 No it cannot and it doesn't. I look at porn too, so I technically I have "experience" with both. You only view the porn addiction as an "added offense" because you were cheated on. Looking at porn does not mean that you have an addiction anymore then having a beer makes you an automatic alcoholic. Frankly, dealing with being the spouse of a porn addict was worse. I could give you a list of nice resins if you want. If you are interested in the experience of someone who has been through it. If not, whatever. The porn addiction was not an "added offence" and it was actually much harder to understand. It was also particularly devastating to know that the man I loved had actually altered his brain in a way that might make actual sexual intimacy impossible for him, period. Not everyone is predisposed to porn addiction. Depends on the limbic structure of the individual. You don't need to be an expert in something to know common sense. Sexual and porn addiction are relatively new concepts. Common sense has altered with the times and will continue to. Sadly "common" sense is often "nonsense" as well. Again cheating is entirely different to watching porn or having an addiction to porn. Tell me how it is "entirely different" it sounds like I need an education on my own life. Tell me how it affects a betrayed spouse so very differently. I am so curious to hear your inside perspective on this. You mentioned something about cheating being a planned event, how about snaking money from household funds at Christmastime when your business has just failed and you cannot afford to keep the electricity on, and instead of even getting your wife or child a pathetic gift: you use the money to but a brand new laptop to hide in the garage to wank off to porn every time your wife goes out or falls asleep. Then you start looking up the free public wireless all over town so that you can wank off and take an extra long time running errands and so forth. Is that planned event enough for you? Just curious how planned it has to be to come close.
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