dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 To be fair about the kids though, my husband was jerking it at McDonald's and won't own up to it :facepalm:
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 DOT, I honestly am shaking right now and feel ill like everything is falling down around me. Like this is the first time you've said this to me but it isn't. One part of me wants to defend him and say that there is no way but I can't deny how shocked I was a few weeks ago when I asked him how often he is on porn and he said 3 - 4 times a week I almost fell off my chair ! Thing is, at the time I was more relieved than anything because I was so happy to know that he actually DOES have a sex drive after all but tonight reading this, I'm about ill. I don't think it's as bad as you think but I really do want to know more signs if you could so indulge me in PM. As far as our old MC last fall.... pfffffffffft my freagin cat would be a better counselor. I sure hope we get better counselors this time 'round. JMK and any of your other 'personalities', I am just gonna say this once.. I do feel guilty about being with other men and there is NO justification for it that makes it right. I hate that I hurt him. End of story.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Did he care Lexygirl? Did he act like he even missed you when you left? Are you like a sister to him? Does he talk to you like you aren't even his wife but sometimes his mother? He didn't totally act like he missed me because he internalizes and just gets quiet. I AM like a sister to him but he won't admit it. He treats me like his mother in the way that he really seems to seek my approval.
manup Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 DOT, I honestly am shaking right now and feel ill like everything is falling down around me. Like this is the first time you've said this to me but it isn't. One part of me wants to defend him and say that there is no way but I can't deny how shocked I was a few weeks ago when I asked him how often he is on porn and he said 3 - 4 times a week I almost fell off my chair ! Thing is, at the time I was more relieved than anything because I was so happy to know that he actually DOES have a sex drive after all but tonight reading this, I'm about ill. I don't think it's as bad as you think but I really do want to know more signs if you could so indulge me in PM. As far as our old MC last fall.... pfffffffffft my freagin cat would be a better counselor. I sure hope we get better counselors this time 'round. JMK and any of your other 'personalities', I am just gonna say this once.. I do feel guilty about being with other men and there is NO justification for it that makes it right. I hate that I hurt him. End of story. If that was 3-4 times a day he'd have a problem, a week that is barely anything.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 PORN ADDICTION is about the equivalent to serial cheating and does the same emotionally. This is not a lone, rogue opinion. I honestly don't know how planned the flings were. Here in Calgary, I was quite surprised by my near (yuck) experience that being a woman willing to go at it, it was easier and quicker to order than pizza. Thank God my sense kicked in (mildly). If you are a woman who wants sex and you aren't discriminating, you can get it in under 15 minutes, if you are discriminating, I think it might take 25. Dependent only on commute. Let's just say I was shocked. By that logic, she could've even had a few in a 24 hour period while still being in messed-in-the head land. People in my group have done worse. I am glad that I never had those bits of knowledge when I was in active sexual addiction. It would be up to Lexygirl to detail her experiences and I don't think she would really want to in front of this crowd. As for it not being abusive. I have yet to hear of one relationship where it wasn't. And one relationship where it wasn't a total mind-**** to the partner. As for the kids: my therapist, my husband's addiction therapist and our Bishop all said the same thing: unless he is demonstrating sexual sobriety and attending his recovery keep his daughter to supervised visits. It will be a tooth and nail fight at the end of this marriage. Considering Lexy hasn't fully embraced that label, we can not dish about it. I don't think she's the perfect spouse, but her H is no victim. None at all and he's had about a zillion chances. Time to get doing the processes that allow you to leave a marriage like this with your dignity. Long road ahead. Porn addiction is incomparable to serial cheating.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 If that was 3-4 times a day he'd have a problem, a week that is barely anything. Exactly.....
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Manup --- that is not necessarily true. We all have different thresholds and different "drives", different "limits". Things are relative. Specifically in this case, if the man is no longer sexually active with his wife... and prior to such "cessation" their sexual interaction was only once every several months... 3-4 times a week is a lot. i.e: he is satisfying ALL of his sexual needs outside of her... and prior to that, he was satisfying the MAJORITY of them outside of her. I would be livid (as the partner being sexually neglected) in such a marriage. That is not "balancing" your sexual needs with your partner... the key point here, is that his wife was yearning for more and he was either unwilling or unable to provide it. Lexy --- I don't blame you for being repulsed by him now. Honestly... once I reached that point with my ex, I never could reignite the sexual attraction... I literally "cringed" at the idea of him touching me. When he was "finally" ready to try to make things work, after years of me trying... I just couldn't bring myself to bed him. You may be able to reignite things with him --- but I would suggest couple counseling/marriage therapy.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Manup --- that is not necessarily true. We all have different thresholds and different "drives", different "limits". Things are relative. Specifically in this case, if the man is no longer sexually active with his wife... and prior to such "cessation" their sexual interaction was only once every several months... 3-4 times a week is a lot. i.e: he is satisfying ALL of his sexual needs outside of her... and prior to that, he was satisfying the MAJORITY of them outside of her. I would be livid (as the partner being sexually neglected) in such a marriage. That is not "balancing" your sexual needs with your partner... the key point here, is that his wife was yearning for more and he was either unwilling or unable to provide it. Lexy --- I don't blame you for being repulsed by him now. Honestly... once I reached that point with my ex, I never could reignite the sexual attraction... I literally "cringed" at the idea of him touching me. When he was "finally" ready to try to make things work, after years of me trying... I just couldn't bring myself to bed him. You may be able to reignite things with him --- but I would suggest couple counseling/marriage therapy. And what about what he feels? Just forget everything else?
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JKM - there are very obvious differences between an addiction to porn and to serial cheating. TO be more precise... one is not potentially threatening the health of their partner (ASSUMING they are even still sexually interested in their partner) whilst they drool and get off with the help of some kind of screen or material/magazine etc. THERE are similarities between the two, however. They can BOTH distance one from their partner. They are BOTH resorting to something else to attempt to fulfill their sexual needs --- they are BOTH disrespectful and inconsiderate and selfish. ADDICTION implies some kind of DEPENDENCY. DEPENDENCY limits someone... narrows their spectrum of possibilities. Can you imagine being with someone who CANNOT be sexually intimate with you WITHOUT resorting to their cyclic aids that DO NOT involve you? How the heck is that satisfying to either individuals? ADDICTIONS are not SATISFYING. It is in the best interest for the ADDICTED to realize their addiction and to get rid of it --- there is a fleeting euphoria that fades away and needs to be sought out again --- but naturally people build up tolerance to things. NATURALLY we can be desensitized... NATURALLY, GRADUALLY, things stop having as big of an effect on us... having any primary sexual outlet that excludes your "life-time" partner isn't HEALTHY FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP... UNLESS both partners SEE it in the same light. Doesn't seem to be the case here.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Manup --- that is not necessarily true. We all have different thresholds and different "drives", different "limits". Things are relative. Specifically in this case, if the man is no longer sexually active with his wife... and prior to such "cessation" their sexual interaction was only once every several months... 3-4 times a week is a lot. i.e: he is satisfying ALL of his sexual needs outside of her... and prior to that, he was satisfying the MAJORITY of them outside of her. I would be livid (as the partner being sexually neglected) in such a marriage. That is not "balancing" your sexual needs with your partner... the key point here, is that his wife was yearning for more and he was either unwilling or unable to provide it. Lexy --- I don't blame you for being repulsed by him now. Honestly... once I reached that point with my ex, I never could reignite the sexual attraction... I literally "cringed" at the idea of him touching me. When he was "finally" ready to try to make things work, after years of me trying... I just couldn't bring myself to bed him. You may be able to reignite things with him --- but I would suggest couple counseling/marriage therapy. You make alot of sense here. Thank you for posting and thank you for sharing. You get it. I also cringe at the idea of him touching me and yet I still yearn to be touched PLUS I feel bad for him at the same time because I know that he needs to be touched too. The thing is, my husband is a good man in so many ways and I honestly hate that this is happening (has happened) to us. I know I've been selfish by stepping outside of our marriage and I hate that part of me that has those needs tbh. I feel ashamed but then the anger and resentment boils up again. ugh ! Perhaps the IC we go to will lead us to MC.... idk.
John Michael Kane Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JKM - there are very obvious differences between an addiction to porn and to serial cheating. TO be more precise... one is not potentially threatening the health of their partner (ASSUMING they are even still sexually interested in their partner) whilst they drool and get off with the help of some kind of screen or material/magazine etc. THERE are similarities between the two, however. They can BOTH distance one from their partner. They are BOTH resorting to something else to attempt to fulfill their sexual needs --- they are BOTH disrespectful and inconsiderate and selfish. ADDICTION implies some kind of DEPENDENCY. DEPENDENCY limits someone... narrows their spectrum of possibilities. Can you imagine being with someone who CANNOT be sexually intimate with you WITHOUT resorting to their cyclic aids that DO NOT involve you? How the heck is that satisfying to either individuals? ADDICTIONS are not SATISFYING. It is in the best interest for the ADDICTED to realize their addiction and to get rid of it --- there is a fleeting euphoria that fades away and needs to be sought out again --- but naturally people build up tolerance to things. NATURALLY we can be desensitized... NATURALLY, GRADUALLY, things stop having as big of an effect on us... having any primary sexual outlet that excludes your "life-time" partner isn't HEALTHY FOR THAT RELATIONSHIP... UNLESS both partners SEE it in the same light. Doesn't seem to be the case here. There is no porn addiction and even if there was, cheating does not solve the issue.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Porn addiction is incomparable to serial cheating. Try dating one and let me know how it works out. Considering I am married to a serial cheater/porn-addict, if I had to pick one, I'd help him date. ****, I'd edit his online dating profile. The only issue I would have with that is the other people it would drag into it.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Lexy --- I do think it's worth trying, giving it ones all. but if it can't be salvaged... it can't be salvaged. I'm sure you're *both* decent people, struggling just like most of us to get through life --- appreciating what beauty we can and plowing through the rest. but we all have needs. From the general census of what I've read on this forum (thus far)... this will be going against it but: why settle? Even if it hurts... god, if there's anything I've learned... it's that some things just can't be fixed and it's worse to prolong them than to bid them (albeit, agonizingly) farewell. Resentment isn't good, and really, I seriously don't blame you. Sometimes even when we get communication across, the other person doesn't care or simply can't understand it... Most of my family stopped talking to me when I left my ex --- among a few "friends" --- because when I left him, I started seeing another man that I had been spending time with... and they decided I was a horrible person. But none of them had to live with what I was living with --- none of them had to endure it --- their opinions, their judgments, all of that didn't matter at the end of the day... what mattered was whether or not I was strong enough to raise my boys. I don't care what martyrs and fantastical romantics have to say about the matter --- sometimes we NEED our needs to be met to PERFORM at our "best" --- to be at our best and, ironically, be the BEST we can be for others. Lifting them up. Wallowing around, aching and feeling unacknowledged/unimportant/unloved is just not healthy. It's easy for others to tell someone else how they should live --- the truth is, only you can figure out what's best for you. If you need a relationship that encompasses sexual/physical intimacy, then that is what you need (most of us at least need physical affection). Trying to suppress it and or change it is possible... but you will probably need to smooth out any bitterness that occurs (that naturally occurs, I might add) Don't feel bad for your needs either. Good luck. Ideally you and your husband are able to reconcile your unmet needs and perhaps his... but if not, it could be for the best.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 There is no porn addiction and even if there was, cheating does not solve the issue. Two things: 1. Every other but that I have read about her threads tells me that there is having dealt with literally hundreds of wives with the same issues (some in here, most IRL, and a ton email me. I always say the same thing (this time excepted, we'll call it "Slightly Pissed Day") GET IT CONFIRMED BY A SPECIALIST. 2. Porn addicts ALWAYS lie about there usage. If he is admitting to 3-4 times a week, have fun with that math. Sorry JMK, I don't want to quell the righteous hurricane you got going on but this guy walks and quacks like a duck and she's got the same deal as about 98% of those spouses. Dude, pull up some links and take a gander at it all if you must. When her H does the porno deed, I bet it deadens a lot of the other emotional reactions. He can't deal with em, and this marriage is a pressure cooker for someone with these issues. Lexygirl, don't just take my word for it, seriously. Go to a CSAT. I'll take a stab here, a lot of the marriage in the early days was built on sex and that is how you feel loved. Lots of women wanted the cards and flowers but you wanted the sex, without making him work too hard for it. Now that he dropped you, it is like you wanna climb the walls? PM me if you like....
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 JMK - I didn't imply that cheating solves the issue. I am merely trying to enlighten you as to how they are "both" damaging. People cheat for various reasons --- while there are ALWAYS other options... to either indulging in porn or to cheating... there are ALWAYS reasons behind them. Doesn't matter if the people who are pursuing either one are unaware of those reasons --- they exist... Some reasons seem more "considerate" than others, some are just more easily "justified" than others. Both can hurt and wound someone else deeply. I don't know if there is/was a porn addiction with Lexy's husband or not, but... frankly, neither do you... regardless, she feels there is a sexual incompatibility and, when that goes unheeded... SOMETHING is bound to give. She could have left him, indefinitely. But she has her reasons for not --- as he has he reasons for continuing with her.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 There is no porn addiction and even if there was, cheating does not solve the issue. Duh, they both trainwrecked sexual intimacy. Now what?
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 DOT, I honestly am shaking right now and feel ill like everything is falling down around me. Like this is the first time you've said this to me but it isn't. One part of me wants to defend him and say that there is no way but I can't deny how shocked I was a few weeks ago when I asked him how often he is on porn and he said 3 - 4 times a week I almost fell off my chair ! Thing is, at the time I was more relieved than anything because I was so happy to know that he actually DOES have a sex drive after all but tonight reading this, I'm about ill. I don't think it's as bad as you think but I really do want to know more signs if you could so indulge me in PM. As far as our old MC last fall.... pfffffffffft my freagin cat would be a better counselor. I sure hope we get better counselors this time 'round. JMK and any of your other 'personalities', I am just gonna say this once.. I do feel guilty about being with other men and there is NO justification for it that makes it right. I hate that I hurt him. End of story. Okay, I will say this: it probably isn't so bad as to trainwreck your life or anything okay. Some books: Untangling the Web In the Shadow of the Net Dailystrength.org has a porn/sexual addiction section, and a section for the spouses, see what they may have to say. Many are in now happy marriages after dealing with the issues. About 25% of the guys are willing to conquer it and don't realize that there is an issue until it clicks in how much time and energy they are devoting into it.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 And seriously my H is quite a case: Odds are when your H goes to McDonald's it is probably for McNuggets.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 And seriously my H is quite a case: Odds are when your H goes to McDonald's it is probably for McNuggets. LOL oh you poor girl... don't know how you will ever eat at McDonald's again
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thank you for your well wishes and insight, Onyx.
Author Lexygirl Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 DOT, thank you for your suggestions.
alexandria35 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 umm..I'm not so sure that this guy is a porn addict. I had an ex that prefered masturbation to sex with a partner. He would use porn for visual stimulation maybe once or twice a week. He never lied to me about doing it or the frequency of it because I wasn't much bothered by it. Also he was very computer illiterate. A couple of times he cleared his browsing history but didn't realize I could just open up the temporary internet files to see what he was doing there. The porn he used was very tame. He actually found porn depicting sexual acts quite distateful and he prefered to just look at naked women who were just posing sexily for the photos, no crotch shots or anything. Anyways I never thought of him as being a porn addict but I knew that he had some real intimacy issues and sexual hangups due to severe sexual abuse as a child. If you took the porn away from him, he still would have prefered masturbation over sex with another person. However he did like some visual stimulation, which I understand, because I also like visual stimulation and will occasionally use porn to get it. Simply using porn as a masturbation aid does not make one a porn addict. Obviously the OPs husband has some intimacy issues that cause him to avoid sex but that doesn't make him a porn addict. He prefers masturbation but men often need some visual stimulation to achieve orgasm. To the OP I simply don't understand why you are torturing both you and your husband by staying in this marriage. I have taken a gander at your previous post and since you started at loveshack you have made it clear that your husband is a sexual failure in your eyes. You complain that the sex is too infrequent but then you complain that his touch makes you feel sick and that you are not at all attracted to him. You have also told him numerous times that he doesn't turn you on, that he's no good in the sack and that he doesn't satisfy you at all. You have set this guy up in a no win situation. You want more sex but he can't supply that for you because you are repelled by him and he knows this. There is nothing he can do to fix the situation because even if he turned into a sex hungry maniac, he disgusts you and you don't want him. I believe you when you say that the sexual issues were there before you seperated but since you have been back home you have done nothing but humilate and belittle your husband, both here and to his face. This on top of having sex with several men during your seperation which was only for 2 months. Since that time you have spoken endlessly about your pain in the marriage due to the lack of sex and your lack of attraction to your husband. What are you getting out of this whole martyr act? Just leave already and put both you and your husband out of your misery. Who cares if he doesn't want the marriage to end. Your husband definitely has issues, otherwise he wouldn't be settling for this pathetic situation either. He may be hurt when you leave but at some point he will realize that that he is better off.
alexandria35 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I honestly don't know how planned the flings were. Here in Calgary, I was quite surprised by my near (yuck) experience that being a woman willing to go at it, it was easier and quicker to order than pizza. Thank God my sense kicked in (mildly). If you are a woman who wants sex and you aren't discriminating, you can get it in under 15 minutes, if you are discriminating, I think it might take 25. Dependent only on commute. Let's just say I was shocked. ROTFLMAO...don't mean to go off topic but Dreaming you crack me up. I have been single and celibate for almost a year now and I live in Calgary too! You mean to tell me I can get good sex in 25 minutes and still be discerning? OMG..Where?? Oh I'm pretty sure I could go on down to my skeevy neighborhood pub or on to something like CL and find some sex in no time, but I wouldn't consider that being discerning. So dish the goods Girl!
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 alexandria --- Did the porn ever cease from your ex partner's use? Was it ever "proven" that he could masturbate without it and get about his "life" just fine? If so, I'll concede --- otherwise............ it's namely irrelevant, as imagination can replace "material". It doesn't have to be about the "porn". I'm not going to dispute that porn can't be a healthy addition to someone's sex life or even to a couple's sex life. Such is some people's cup of tea that just goes so well with their dessert. They can keep it moderated and or compartmentalized and or have mutual/cohesive harmonious perceptions of it. This concept can extend well into particular polygamous relationships even. I suppose what you've brought up is the real root to it --- an issue regarding "actual intimacy" with "another living being", hopefully one that is "loved" and regarded well. But to turn to poor substitutes does not help anyone involved... beyond realizing it for what it is, and trying to grow beyond it. If porn is all that's going down for someone who is married to someone who is even longing for sex... I don't care HOW frequent or infrequent it is perceived... there's something wrong.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Well, CL is always a guarantee for sure LOL. Grapevine for another, The Back Alley And Tequila back in the day. Last resort you could always call my husband LOL.
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