markyx1 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 My ex for more that 3 years dumped me almost 7 weeks ago. At the beginning, there was all the begging and pleading thing for us to get back. But you all know the result of those things. In the hindsight, i think the cause of the break-up is not that we don't care or love each other anymore. There are just too may factors. One of which could be her perceived idea that i never really responded to her needs and wants. she said that she has waited for me for 3 years but i never arrived. that hurts because she is always been the focus of my attention ever since, and she knows that. She also said that our attitudes never met. Could be true, but that was only during the last 6 months or so of the relationship. But above all, i believe the break-up is cause by bad circumstances and timing. She got a job that she doesn't enjoy, officemates that she doesn't necessarily like, problems at home, and her inability to push herself to get what she wants. She always wants to go into her business, but for some reasons or the other, she still can't start it. I believe all this has caused her too much stress that she cant handle. Through all that, i may not be able to respond to all her needs because i also have to sort out personal stuffs. But i am always there whenever she needs me giving her all the support i can give. But i have to admit that quite often i was not able to answer her calls, but i do text her if i cant answer her calls. To tell me that i was never there i believe is just unfair. I feel that through all of the above factors, she started to look for happiness somewhere else. and slowly forgot about us. Now that we have broken up, i remained friend with her because that is what she wants. It hurts me because 2 weeks after the break up she said that she is already seeing someone else. And they are together for 2 weeks already. That means she broke up with me to be with him. Yet i still remained friends with her. i'm hurting badly but i love her so much i will give everything she wants from me. Now i'm helping her with her small business as she already quit her job. Though we continue to communicate by phone, the communication was short and no connection whatsoever. I was thinking that she only wants to be my friend because i am so easy and dependable and she feels guilty for the break up or that she feels some sort of pity for me. Of all her ex, i am the only one that she really tried to be friend with. This is so true. Tried NC in the 5week of break up but she keeps calling me asking me how i was doing. I know she is still not interested in getting back but i dont want to be impolite by not answering her and with that ruin the chance for reconciliation in the future. I am still so much in love with her. What do i do now? Been thinking of sending her this message: please dont force yourself to do things that are not according to your own will. lets not delay the inevitable, i know that i am gonna end like them that you buried in your past (referring to all her ex). don't be sensitive to what i feel, i'm already hurt, there is nothing you can do about it now. I know you want be as a friend because deep inside of you, you know that i am a good person and that i never really did any wrong to you. But above all, you pity my situation. That would be unfair to you as well as to me. your offer of friendship is commendable but more that anything else, you may offer may your respect to me. hope this message will not add to all the stress that you feel now. I want you to be happy. Likewise i dont want to be feeling this way forever. I love you. What do you think? Please help.
Dblock10 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 yeah this is hard. specially when they are already with someone else. thats just not fair. i think you are honestly being a push over. but i know its because you love her. but honestly, even that letter, what do you want it to achieve? it makes you sound weak, but its because you are right now.. if i were you id be writing something more like, listen, i really dont want you to burry me into your past like your other ex;s but right now i am hurt and i am going to do things for me now for my own happiness. i do want to be friends with you, but right now is not the right time for me. i am going to distance myself from you. i know this may sound selfish but im doing it for me, i know your'll be happy with what ever your doing, as will I. you know how i feel about you and i enjoyed the times we had. good bye but again even this is too nice from you. she knows how you feel about her! you need to stop being in her life so she can escape guilt. then go no contact and seriously repair yourself
Treasa Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Dblock, that's still too weak. How about this: Stop contacting her. Don't email her anything. Stop helping her with her new business. If her new boyfriend wants to help her, HE can do it. She won't have any respect for you while you let her treat you like this. You are friend-zoning yourself. If she tries to contact you, tell her you're too busy to talk, but it was nice to hear from her. Then the next time just don't pick up. She'll either get with the program, realize she misses you, and come back, or she'll leave you alone. It's so true that we teach other people how to treat us. I think I subconsciously guided my last two boyfriends into breaking up with me based on how I acted and what I put up with. When I was (rarely) confident and positive, they didn't treat me that way, and wanted to be with me. But I had to be strong and willing to walk away, which I wasn't.
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 You make some good points guys. She is going to be looking for validation after the breakup and intentionally or unintentionally hurting you in the process. Do you really want to be the sad sap she runs to telling you how the sex was so good but that he was a jerk. The best you can do is end on a good note and start NC right away. Realize that this guy is a rebound relationship that won't last long. If you stay strong and unavailable she may get angry or upset, but she will come back to you sooner or later. So long as you don't open up to her displaying how badly you miss or love or need her you'll be fine. Get a life outside of her and work on the qualities she didn't like about you. Go workout, study, make lots of female friend with possibilities (this will really help). Be wonderful and desireless and good things will come to you.
Author markyx1 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thank you for all your reply. Beautiful insights from you all. It really helped me a lot. She tried calling me 4 times today on two different occasions. I don't know if i did the right thing, but i just ignored her. But before that, last night she invited me for dinner but i politely turned down her invitation telling her i am company at home (some common friends came over). We live only several buildings away, which makes things even harder. As i am now determined to do NC, i sent this message on her facebook last night: "i don't intend to play games with you. But more or less i believe you already know what i was trying to do. I'm doing this neither to solicit guilt on your part nor to gain pity on your end. I'm doing this to save and protect myself from anymore pain. For the past years, you have been the center of my life. This time i want to focus on myself. If you truly care you will understand what i was trying to accomplish. And certainly you will respect my decisions. Sorry for wasting anymore of your time. Wishing only the best for you and your family. God bless..." After sending this to her i am now determined not to contact her. What do you think of the message, is it bad or good or just plain lousy? Sorry guys and gals, i'm in so disarray state right now i couldn't think of whats is good or bad or right or wrong. I need your help and opinion. Thanks.
Author markyx1 Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 @Dblock: you are right, i probably am to nice. that is why she treats me now as a doormat. Sad to say, but that is what i feel. @Treasa: you are right about subconsciously teaching other people treat us. especially for her as she already have gone to 3 break ups, two of which she is the dumper. The last one she is the dumpee and has told me once that she has cried and cried for that, but was able to get over after several months. Maybe the problem is that i completely put her on the pedestal and worshiped her like a Godess. my fault, but what can i do? people do foolish things for love, sad but i have just proven that to be right. @Nsweet: getting a new bigger and better life. yes, this is what i was trying to do. I am keeping myself busy this past few days. been joining clubs and meeting new friends and hanging out with other women. I know i have a long way to go, but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. yah, this i how i want to take this situation. little by little, progressively. However, i have to admit that with all of this, i am still very much in love with her and at the back of my head, i still want her back badly. That is why i don't want to alienate myself from her as much as possible. I wanted to be polite to her and don't want to be rude at all. The problem is how will i do that with NC? Or is that even possible with NC? Maybe you can provide some insight. But for now, i just want to be healed. Worry about getting her back later! Thanks a lot.
Nsweet Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Crash and burn! You told her (through suggestive phrases): ....You were playing games ....You are hurt ....You wet trying to win her back ....You want her to care The only good thing unread were a suggestion for independence and a willing to let her go. Now your letter wasn't a bad attempt, but it was confusing and displayed some emotions that were vest left for her to guess.I would say maybe 2-4 weeks of NC before you submit a formal apology letter.in this letter you want to keep everything short and accept her breakup, appologize for whatever emotional craziness after the breakup, and say goodbye. Although your letter may have just worked. I can give you am example if you want. If she is calling you 4x a day and inviting you out to dinner with family YOU'RE IN THE FRIEND ZONE! Right now she feels uncomfortable without you, she misses you, but she will put you on a leash and take you out whenever she wants to feel good about herself. She will use you to compliment her and stroke her ego whenever she needs the boost if you let her. The only way I understand out is to show her value, by this I mean accepting the break up and not acting enraged or upset, then disappearing and relying on her good memories of you to bubble up and contact you. If you think this doest work I will tell you about a gf I had that started testing me out of nowhere, and we met briefly at a diner when she used my phone to call home. Then again months after we stopped talking we started testing again. Just goes to show you if you stay "wonderful and desireless" they will remember you.
Author markyx1 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Thanks nsweet. she sent me a text message late last night saying thank you for everything that i have done. i did not reply. the morning after she tried to call again. i ignored her. She again sent me a text message asking me if i'm angry at her and telling me that she is going out of town with her family and won't be back till the next day so i have to get my things that she borrowed knowing that i may need them. i told her that i will be out all weekend and that she can keep it for the meantime. Added that ill get it when i have time. the truth is i don't want to see her. this is an honest emotion, i don't want to see her anytime soon. I know, i should have ignored her, but please don't blame me. i'm one weak in love person! i know that she knows me very well. she knows that it can't be possible that i can be mad at her. i cant lie and tell her that i am beginning to hate her. the truth is no matter how bad she has treated me lately, i don't have the courage to feel bad about her. and that probably sucks! So i told her the truth. told her that i am not angry with her. told her also that if i was angry at her, i should have done it a long time ago. told her also that feeling anger at someone only shows that you still care. obviously i don't want to care for her this time around, although we all know i care for her so much! she text me back telling me continue what i was doing and that she is happy for me. I didn't text her back. wheeewww... this is so depressing and i'm like so confused right now. how do you think should i proceed?
wilsonx Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 The only way to proceed is to stop all contact with her. You dont even have to tell her anything. Thats it. Is it easy, hell no. It took me like 3-4 weeks to start stop start and finally stick NC. She is honestly not your friend. Leaving a significant other for someone else is brutal. You just don't see it yet. The breakup was of her doing because she caught attraction for another guy. She did whats called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. This happened when she broke up with you She wants to be your friend now to ease her own conscience for what she did to you. You need to show yourself that you are better then that by going NC and moving on with your life
Author markyx1 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Wilsonx, you are probably right about the conscience thing. i believe she has so much guilt in her now. You see, i may have been the nice guy. and yes i dare say i am the Mr. nice guy. That could have been my liability, but that is the way i am even when we meet the first time. Do i even have to change that? Even at this state, i still have the heart to care about how she would feel and put myself in the back of all this. what more stupidity can a nice guy get than that? my mind says that i shouldn't have responded to her. but my mr. nice guy heart says that i should reply because i don't want to be rude to the girl that broke my heart and brought me misery. I know i shouldn't be hard on myself by putting all the blame on me. but to blame yourself and to recognize what went wrong because of you is better that over-analyzing every word and action that she shows. i am a bit disoriented now, am i? it shows in my posts. my point is i don't want to rude, impolite, blah blah blah, but there may not be any other way around. NC is the hardest thing for me now. But do i have any other choice? now i realize that how bad my situation can get is how bad i will allow it to be. i just hope she never contacts me again. because if she does, i go in limbo once more. All the best for all of us!
Nsweet Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 My god, you made things worse by telling her off in a time of irrational emotional heartache. You've actually succeeded showing her that she does have power over your emotions and that by showing her any kind of emotion, good or bad, you still care. You could have avoided all of the hell fire that come with this by avoiding her all together. Now you can expect her to contact you again with some sort of little mind game to get your attention and frustrate you. Maybe it will be jealousy, maybe it will be bargaining followed by outrage, bu it will happen! Damage plan: You wait three days! You send her an email or text, handwritten letter works best, saying this. "you agree with the breakup, you apologize for acting so crazy a few days ago, and that you wish her well-goodbye" nothing more nothin less! Keep the whole letter to less than 10 sentences with no outrageous emotions or desire for her. Then you wait for a response where she tries to rationalize things on her terms. You ignore her from then on! Try two months at least. The more outrageous and controlling her response is the better NC will work in your favor to make her wonder what she did to lose you forever. Leave your stuff at her place until you calm down. If you rush over there and yank it away out or anger you will only make things worse and cement in her mind how wrong you were for her. Sound good to you? No more contact after this email.
Author markyx1 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Nsweet: Got the message! But the thing she still keeps on contacting me. the good thing is i now have the will to ignore her calls. mixed feelings for doing this, i felt good because little by little, i'm taking my power that i have wrest upon her. on the one hand, i feel bad because she might resent me for not answering her and she might think that i haven't changed at all. one time she text a forwarded message that has something to do with God and her being imperfect but God love her anyway and that she really wishes that God blesses me well blah blah blah. she doesn't send me text messages like those before even when were still together. she a religious person really. but the text was a bit weird hah! i ignore her still. One more, i saw her last night while while i was jogging, remember we live several buildings away. while i was on the jogging path i saw her with her phone earpiece on her ears and she waved her hand at me. I just wave my hand and get on with my job. she might be talking with someone that is why i did not bother her. on the way back, i saw her again but i motioned to change my course in a way to to avoid her. she text me that she is a bit upset that i did not talk to her in the jogging path. she told me that she just wants me to invite for dinner with her family in their place. i feel better now. but still hurting. what do you think she might be thinking in trying to contact me always while she already knows that i am avoiding her? should i try LC this time around? your thoughts Please... Thanks!
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