ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Okay, not as bad as I pictured at all! That isnt something just friends with no interest would do, especially the bolded part...like I said, the way you talked earlier...it just came off as just a mundane hanging out as friends, nothing physical allowed (as in touching of an arm or leg, etc, not set sex ) for months See? I'm not so scary Notice that I did plenty to take the initiative too. I invited him to sit next to me... invited him to come out to look at my motorcycle.. followed up with a nice email... My ex-boyfriend (who tends to be kind of shy) recently told me how much he appreciated that I was polite, but not all that subtle about showing my interest in him. He did make first contact though. It was me who had to tell him TWICE, here is my number. Don't hesitate to call it!
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 You know what? I agree with your male friend... every opportunity one has to spend around people of the opposite sex that they admire and trust (even if it doesn't end up in a 'love' relationship) is the opportunity to learn something. Of course it is great to have friends of the opposite sex, but typically unless you meet someone through an inner circle of friends like work, church, class, friends, etc most people arent going to make friends and stay friends with someone if you meet them at say a party, a bar, park, etc because there wont be any structure to fall back on if one party isnt interested in the other with regards to the opposite sex....if that makes any sense
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I HATE when women do this...just because I asked you out, and if you're not interested doesn't turn me into some hideous monster....now if I confessed some undying love for you (which I would only do if was friends with that person and actually developed feelings for them) I understand, something has changed...BUT just asking out someone I hardly know/am an acquaintances with just means I'm interested in getting to know them more, I dont know if I have any or could have any feelings for you I hope my colleague doesn't do this to me! After today, I'm pretty sure that his initial interest has been tempered either a) by my competition or b) the reality of our work situation. Either way, I feel zero guilt or shyness about thinking he's just adorable and not expecting anything more AT ALL. Now, if he starts thinking he's 'all that' and gets all wierd on me because I showed a little interest, I might have to give him a little b*tch slap of my own. Just a little one. Nothing major. I doubt it will come to that. We teach on different days so there is no reason to cross paths unless we want to. but back to the topic... guess I don't really know what to tell the OP now that I've read all of the other posts. I've always been upfront. The so-called 'friendzone' for me is a relatively new development based on what I perceive in changes in expectations of when sex happens in relationships these days. I'm not talking about months and months going by. I'm talking about making sure they are looking for a relationship, that we know each other well enough to be exclusive (and I know him well enough to trust he is telling the truth on those things). Could be as little as one month if we live nearby each other and have mutual friends. Might be more if a screw up has long term consequences... like work. In my 20+ years in engineering, my current colleague is only the second I've considered. The first one... I asked him to get engaged to me before considering having sex with him. Sounds crazy I know... but he was quite high up and VERY visible. I wasn't going to be part of his harem or one of his groupies. Obviously, he said no...We are still good friends though. He ended up marrying someone else recently.
Casablanca Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 See? I'm not so scary Notice that I did plenty to take the initiative too. I invited him to sit next to me... invited him to come out to look at my motorcycle.. followed up with a nice email... My ex-boyfriend (who tends to be kind of shy) recently told me how much he appreciated that I was polite, but not all that subtle about showing my interest in him. He did make first contact though. It was me who had to tell him TWICE, here is my number. Don't hesitate to call it! Not scary at all....just a difference in how we defining "friending" people before becoming intimate
Els Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I think both of those answers are probably bad. What's wrong with, "Sorry, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in you." (And then if you would like to be friends, "I totally saw us as friends, but I could never see us dating.") Now, if a guy is an idiot and asks for "Why?" that's his problem, and he's either going to hear why and not like it (depending on my mood) or more likely get an annoyed, "Please respect how I feel" that demonstrates the why is none of his. Eh, in my experience the guys always kept pressuring me for reasons once I told them I wasn't interested in them, and then trying to talk me out of it. Maybe it was just my crappy luck, that the guys I didn't like who were the most zealous in pursuing me were also the most clueless. Fortunately now the 'I have a boyfriend!' line is actually true.
thatone Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 (edited) I agree. But define 'romantic'.... If that means fending off sexual advances on every date to see how far you can get... no, I don't find that 'romantic'. I find that obnoxious. So, yes, I manage expectations by telling them we need to be friends first. Most mature men know when a woman is romantically interested in them too. For the 'youngsters' posting here... not having sex with them on their schedule is the same as 'friendzoning' someone. No, I don't 'only' find guys who have third date sex as deal-breakers. I'm saying that has become some kind of cultural norm, especially among lower class, less educated people. Look at all the posts here... Maybe we need to do a poll. ... and yes, I am moving out of the area I currently live. I came here to work for a large multi-national company. It is an oasis of brains and talent in a desert of, well, not so smart, low-class people. Since I don't date men I work with, I'm looking for some place to live that has more diversity... both in work opportunities and dating potential. and men will find your approach obnoxious. the word "friend" to me gets an instant response of "no". i get your displeasure with fending off men who want sex on a first or second date, but you can explain that away in simple enough terms. friend is a 4 letter word to men, and no man with other options will accept your terms...in those terms. Edited August 17, 2011 by thatone
zengirl Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Eh, in my experience the guys always kept pressuring me for reasons once I told them I wasn't interested in them, and then trying to talk me out of it. Maybe it was just my crappy luck, that the guys I didn't like who were the most zealous in pursuing me were also the most clueless. Fortunately now the 'I have a boyfriend!' line is actually true. I don't disagree with you that most will ask why, but I like to give people a chance to be cool first, at least. If they don't take that chance, they get my glare. They almost never get reasons, unless I'm super pissed and feel like being cutting, which is rare these days.
Author irc333 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Another good one, I met this woman online that apparently have this philosophy of going out as friends...at least at first...and even told me over the phone she's "slow" to build up to that. Which I was fine with. Earlier, she wouldn'g "go out" with me because she was seeing another "friend" and I said, "Well, if you're just going out with him 'as friends', why not go out with anyone else?" I had her on the ropes there. lol When we went out, she wanted an Orange Julius, when I went to buy one for her (couple of bucks) she wouldn't let me do it. Kinda turned me off right there. I mean, we didn't even get a meal (she didn't want one), and she wouldn't let me even get a small drink for her. lol
phillyfan Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 I've done it all, read a considerable amount of publications, listen to advice, even read crap that David DeAngelo wrote. There is no solution. Asking me to find a way to make a better approach, will not accomplish anything. Dude wtf? Course it will, change ur approach n u will get dates.
Author irc333 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Dude wtf? Course it will, change ur approach n u will get dates. Sorry, I don't take advice from someone who doesn't know how to type.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 and men will find your approach obnoxious. the word "friend" to me gets an instant response of "no". i get your displeasure with fending off men who want sex on a first or second date, but you can explain that away in simple enough terms. friend is a 4 letter word to men, and no man with other options will accept your terms...in those terms. Men like you will, and that is fine with me. I don't suffer from the drama and worries so many of these young ladies come here to sort out... Men with other 'options' are welcome to explore them. I never said I would refuse going out with a man because he was seeing other women. Just won't enter anything romantic/sexual until I know him well enough to say I will be exclusive and can trust he is too... That takes time... and I always learn more about a man as 'friends' or before sex happens than afterwards. Funny how that works...
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Another good one, I met this woman online that apparently have this philosophy of going out as friends...at least at first...and even told me over the phone she's "slow" to build up to that. Which I was fine with. Earlier, she wouldn'g "go out" with me because she was seeing another "friend" and I said, "Well, if you're just going out with him 'as friends', why not go out with anyone else?" I had her on the ropes there. lol When we went out, she wanted an Orange Julius, when I went to buy one for her (couple of bucks) she wouldn't let me do it. Kinda turned me off right there. I mean, we didn't even get a meal (she didn't want one), and she wouldn't let me even get a small drink for her. lol Now this is confusing, I agree. If you are seeing people as friends, and make that clear up front, then you can't use another 'friend' as a reason not to see someone. In an interesting twist... It bothers me when men on dating sites say they are looking for 'new friends' and 'activity partners' when they obviously aren't. So women get burned by men setting up false expectations too.
grkBoy Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Now this is confusing, I agree. If you are seeing people as friends, and make that clear up front, then you can't use another 'friend' as a reason not to see someone. In an interesting twist... It bothers me when men on dating sites say they are looking for 'new friends' and 'activity partners' when they obviously aren't. So women get burned by men setting up false expectations too. If it were up to me, I'd remove all the "looking for friends", "chat", "hang out" stuff. If you want to join, then you're joining to find men/women to date or sleep with. Period. If you want to "make friends" then join meetup or something. I agree with you. It's ridiculous to join a DATING site and you only want to make "friends". I know you like to do "friends first", and that's ok...but I also don't imagine you joining match.com just to make guy friends.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 If it were up to me, I'd remove all the "looking for friends", "chat", "hang out" stuff. If you want to join, then you're joining to find men/women to date or sleep with. Period. If you want to "make friends" then join meetup or something. I agree with you. It's ridiculous to join a DATING site and you only want to make "friends". I know you like to do "friends first", and that's ok...but I also don't imagine you joining match.com just to make guy friends. Yep. My thought with men who put 'new friends' down on a dating site is that hopefully their pace of getting to know someone is similar to mine. Then we agree to meet, and it is... try-to-get-their-tongue-down-my-throat time on the first date. Not...lets get to know each other in a friendly way and see if something more develops. Which is my approach. anyway... not doing the dating sites anymore. so it is a moot point.
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