bikinibeach Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 i'm dating the son of an oil tycoon. he's in his late 20's and has access to wealth that had been defined as 'unllimited'...!!! me on the other hand, while i am classy, sophisticated, educated, beautiful, stylish, funny etc.......i am also the brokest joke going at the moment. i have an old car that everyone makes fun of me for. i'm heavily in debt and my student loans just went to collections..!!! the other day, he wanted my advice on some pieces for his home. mind you, he is down to earth, philanthropic, spiritual, kind, sweet, funny....a downright modern day prince! he's not flashy but over the course of the day, we ended up spending the amount that would get me out on debt on trinkets for his house....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i fell madly in love with him before i had any idea about his financial situation. by the way, he doesn't even work and will never have to... i don't know what to do. i feel frustrated. he even expressed that in his last relationship, him and his gf took turns paying (!!!!) i know he's been used in the past and it would KILL me for him to think this of me in any way. i rather stay poor than risk hurting him. however, he has alot of friends who are couch surfing, a lot of causes he supports, there are people in need all around him. he can't help everyone! i don't know what to do. i am having some medical issues that i can't afford. if i had a normal boyfriend, i would tell him this but i feel i can't tell this to him because of how it would seem. is this relationship doomed? or a match made in heaven? what do i do (or not do)?? thanks
LoveandSuch Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Well, if you both are close, why not just be honest about your situation, debt, and health issues. Only he can answer these questions. Honesty is the best answer.
NursingGirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Well, if you both are close, why not just be honest about your situation, debt, and health issues. Only he can answer these questions. Honesty is the best answer. What?! No!!! I don't know how long you have been dating but it is not right to start telling all your problems to someone you haven't dated very long. Would you tell these things early to someone who ISN'T loaded? If you wouldn't, then you ARE in fact, using him. If that's what you want, ok then, go for it. If you want the possibility of a real relationship with him then don't lay all your personal and negative information out on the table- why would he be attracted by that? It isn't his responsibility that you have student loans you can't pay (I have em, too, not passing judgment on you but it's just a fact).
Ruby Slippers Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Just treat him like you would any other guy you like.
LoveandSuch Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I mentioned IF they were close. She knows alot about him apparently. Her financial issues cannot be hidden for too long, especially if she is in debt, and drives up to his house in a Clunker. If he loves her, he will not give a damn if she is broke. Please, if he asks, do not lie. Honesty is best. I have known many wealthy men whom your given situation would not be a deal breaker, if they TRULLY love the woman. And if it a deal breaker, then it is what it is, and was meant to be.
Author bikinibeach Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 i just don't know if i can totally see past the money when it affects everything we do together, everywhere we are, what he's wearing, how he smells (divine)......i don't want to resent him! i've always been poor...it's hard. and yes, we are becoming VERY close and have shared a lot of private things so far. my issues have not come up yet but no doubt he has an idea....
Nohbody Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 You're just breaking MarqueeMoon4's heart, you realize this, right? This is probably the kind of thing that needs to be addressed delicately. The more time he spends with you the more he's probably going to be able to figure out you aren't exactly rolling in it. Hopefully this won't be much of an issue and he's going to love you for who you are. Now his parents on the other hand... Right now, money isn't an issue, is it? You are both young, in love, and officially honeymooning. You both have a lot to learn about one another, and as long as you are both honest and forthcoming when it's appropriate then things will play out as they will. Never would have worked out between us, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you here - sounds like a helluva catch.
ShoeGurl1973 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I just got out of a relationship that failed largely due to economic disparity between my bf and myself. He had a ton of student loads, credit card debt, a bankruptcy and child support. He had to work a part time job at night just to be able to have spending money. I, on the otherhand, bought the house we live in, have a great paying job and alot of disposable income. No matter how hard I tried to be okay with it and for the most part I was, I at times resented that he coudln't do things on the same level as myself - go on trips, eat at nice restaurants etc. He felt like he couldn't do his part at sharing expenses for household improvements etc. In the end, he just felt bad about himself when comparing where he was financial wise with myself. Maybe this is harder when guy makes less, in fact, I am almost certain it is. Either way, it sucks. You have to be pretty confident to handle a situation like this. I no doubt will look for someone more on my level in the future.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 i just don't know if i can totally see past the money when it affects everything we do together, everywhere we are, what he's wearing, how he smells (divine)......i don't want to resent him! i've always been poor...it's hard. I'm totally self-made, and still working my way to real financial stability, so I get it. I've been in relationships with guys who were much more financially set than I am, and it has never been an issue. I paid as much as I could for things, and if they wanted to splurge beyond that, they covered it. I think a lot of men truly enjoy contributing in this way, so I wouldn't worry about it. What he probably wants to do most of all is avoid gold diggers. As long as you're not that, I think you'll be fine.
Jynxx Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hopefully this won't be much of an issue and he's going to love you for who you are. Now his parents on the other hand... Actually, this is way less of an issue than you might think. The nice thing about being filthy rich is that money doesn't matter anymore. No girl is gonna get close to his wealth anyway. If you had virtually unlimited capital, would you like your son to hook up with someone classy, sophisticated, educated, beautiful, stylish, funny who has .01% of his networth or with someone just a bit less classy sophisticated etc. who has .1% of his networth? If you had problems getting to the end of the month and your son was also in debts, would you like your son to hook up with someone with a stable carreer who is classy, sophisticated etc or with someone who is over her ears in debt and is a tiny bit more classy etc?
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I think to most guys the income and wealth of a woman is irrelevant to whether he wants to date her. For most men it's either not important or very low down on the list.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I can't add anything at this point. I should think however if you are putting out for him that he'd actually want to help if it's no skin off his nose. I can't see bankrolling philanthropic causes for strangers while starving a loved one if I had it. A single gift does not create a gold-digger. That's something that's either in you or it's not.
DontWorryBHappy Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Isnt this the guy who is moving for work in around a month? Will you try to do an LDR with him?
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Well, if it's an issue of going places that you can't afford and potentially being expected to foot more of the bill than you could afford. . . I'd say be somewhat direct about it. I'm not a broke joke by any means, but I was a teacher and now work for a nonprofit. Not exactly rolling it it. AND I save a set % (fairly high) and donate a set % (also fairly high) of my salary each month for various things. So, I know my limits, and I can't be going to lobster restaurants on any sort of regular basis. If a guy wants to do more expensive things than fits in my budget---and I tend to date guys who make 3x-4x what I do because most people as smart and educated as I am DO make a lot more than I do---then I tell him why I can't. If he still wants to go and pay, that's okay by me, but it's his call. It's never been an issue. When I was in advertising during college/right after graduation and made more than my college BF (I was making more than I do now, by a good amount, but still saved enough to pay for an M.A. without loans, so didn't use it all) who worked at a music store and was 'broke as a joke' --- the money thing didn't bother me. That he spent what money he did have on stupid **** sometimes did, but I had no issues with paying for stuff if it was something I wanted us to do. Nor did I have issues helping out my live-in BF (a different guy who was really awesome, unlike College BF) when we were living together, both with good jobs, and he got laid off. However, none of these money disparities are as great as yours. I'm not sure what your job/financial situation is, but it sounds extreme. I can guarantee he's noticed you're not as rich as he is, though. I would say just keep trucking, don't pay for anything you can't afford---and be honest with him when needbe without spilling out all your problems---and just see if you like him as a person. Make his money irrelevant. Treat him to cheaper things to show you care and are adding in, but he shouldn't expect you to go halfsies when he has so much more. And most rich guys won't.
rightfield Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 For all of the problems that are taken care of by extreme wealth, there are others that are created. It is difficult for very wealthy people to know who their real friends are, who really loves them versus those who just want to ride the gravy train. This guy has to evaluate this all the time. He has the same basic need to have sincere friends and loves that we all have. Like another poster said, treat him the way you would any other guy that you like. Be honest with yourself about why you feel the way you do about him, and be a sincere friend and love. Do that, and the rest should take care of itself.
BetheButterfly Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I don't think it's doomed, but I don't know all the factors. My advice is 1. Show him you care for HIM, not his money. 2. Don't ask for money. If he wants, he'll be sure to offer. (Many men are naturally generous to their beautiful loved one(s) anyways.) 3. Give what you can... since you don't have money, give in other ways. 4. Be cheerful, kind, help out in his causes. 5. Be honest. If he asks about your finances or work, let him know, show him you work hard even though you don't make that much money. 6. Respect goes a long way... 7. Take good care of yourself physically... I think you are doing the above anyways, but yeah those are basically my advice. Hopefully as you two get to know each other more and trust each other and decide if you love each other (and not just falling in love), hopefully a great relationship will develop!
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Men with money go through a phase where they date women with no money. It is sort of exotic and different. Sometimes they fall hard for these woman.
Nexus One Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Men with money go through a phase where they date women with no money. It is sort of exotic and different. Sometimes they fall hard for these woman. Phase? Not sure what you're talking about. When you're attracted to someone, then you're attracted to someone, regardless of what they have in the bank.
musemaj11 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Phase? Not sure what you're talking about. When you're attracted to someone, then you're attracted to someone, regardless of what they have in the bank. It is a phase that he goes through until he learns that everyone is interested in him because of his money and the only way he is going to feel and be secure is if his partner is of equal status.
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 It is a phase that he goes through until he learns that everyone is interested in him because of his money and the only way he is going to feel and be secure is if his partner is of equal status. Sometimes men of upper class status are well groomed, have better clothes, and manners. Women are often attracted to stuff like that.
FitChick Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Everyone I date makes more money than I do. It's never been a problem. I just act like a normal person. No one can "buy me" though some have tried. I've met some megarich people (and famous ones) and guess what? All of them were very nice people, involved in charity work. I never felt inferior nor did I resent them. They didn't steal my money. For me it's ultimately the man because you don't sleep with a bank account. That doesn't mean I don't express appreciation when they buy me gifts, take me for romantic weekends away, pay for my plane tickets. It's only money and very little to them. You sound like you have low self-esteem to be having all this angst. Work on yourself or you will blow this relationship.
ccfan Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Interesting thread.... Men do no tend to look too much into the financial differences of the person we are dating. (im a guy) I'll take advantadge of the anonimity of the internet and say that i can relate to this post as my family has a really big company, hence technically i dont have to work ever... Now, the thing is that if i dont work at all i might as well be shoot at ... i need my day to be productive and I rarely use the family money for anything at all, it is there i just dont use it, i would feel like Paris Hilton or someone useless to society.. i work hard to support myself and all of the friends i know that come from a lot of money choose to work hard as hell as well... so in my opinion the fact that he doesnt work at all and doesnt plan to is somewhat a strange choice of living that can show a little bit about his personality, in my opinon bad.. but i wont judge that. Just my two cents regarding that issue. Otherwise from what i've read here you have nothing to worry about and i wish you the best of luck
Pierre Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Interesting thread.... Men do no tend to look too much into the financial differences of the person we are dating. (im a guy) I'll take advantadge of the anonimity of the internet and say that i can relate to this post as my family has a really big company, hence technically i dont have to work ever... Now, the thing is that if i dont work at all i might as well be shoot at ... i need my day to be productive and I rarely use the family money for anything at all, it is there i just dont use it, i would feel like Paris Hilton or someone useless to society.. i work hard to support myself and all of the friends i know that come from a lot of money choose to work hard as hell as well... so in my opinion the fact that he doesnt work at all and doesnt plan to is somewhat a strange choice of living that can show a little bit about his personality, in my opinon bad.. but i wont judge that. Just my two cents regarding that issue. Otherwise from what i've read here you have nothing to worry about and i wish you the best of luck I don't have money issues and I don't pay attention at all at the economical situation of women. However, I can identify gold digging quite well and I have also seen gold digging in women that earn good money. However, I worry about differences in background that are related to family of origin. I am not talking about money. I am mostly talking about family culture that is passed from generation to generation. I have also seen gold digging men that want women to work hard 24/7 so they can have a better status as a couple.
StoneCold Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Put the money out of your head, be with him like you would anybody else and just let the relationship naturally unfold. He will see for himself where you are at.
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