Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I've been seeing this guy for a bit over a month. He asked me out blindly after he had emailed me about flatshare. We didn't know anything about each other so it was a risk we both took. At first meeting the attraction was immense & we started meeting every weekend. On our 2nd date(which he set up) I was having a boardgames night at my place after our date. My friends needed an extra hand & suggested I invite him - so I did. We ended up sleeping together. Please don't judge me on this - I fought hard to resist him - I know this was soon - but I have never done this before - I take at least 2/3 months to warm up to a guy - so I was embarrassed with my self control. Another friend had also stayed back. The next morning we all hung out & it was great. My friends loved him. Earlier during our date he told me he'd been adopted - I was taken aback by the fact that he had shared something so deep. We discussed how he felt about this - he said he had no regrets. Anyway we've been going well. It doesn't feel like dating anymore since we get along so easily. He met more of my friends the following weekend & again they loved him. In the meantime he had started a new job but hated it. After our 3rd date I texted him 'missing you'. I know that's a faux pas. Didn't hear back from him, assumed he had done the runner. But then I contacted him & found out he'd quit his job. I invited him for dinner & spent a couple of days together. During dinner I blurted out how i liked him & he took my hand & said he liked me too. He told me he had seen my 'miss you' text but was sleeping & when he woke up he'd forgotten about it. He said he had no issues with me being honest with him. He had arrived before time prompting my flatmate to say 'he's keen'. He even took me out to dinner the following day - I wanted to split bills but he wouldn't allow it. In the meantime he was desperately looking for work but nothing has yet materialized - this is the 3rd week. His finances are in bad shape. He's drinking heavily - he's Irish but still - I have pointed it out & he said it's temporary. He knows my ex was alcoholic & had broken up with me when he had lost his job due to his habit & then spiraled into depression. He wanted to take me out last Friday (if I have a job by then he had told me). I had movie plans so we decided to catch up afterwards & come home to my place to cook dinner. He texted me during the movie asking me to have one drink with him on the way back. I agreed - I thought he was at a pub but he was at his friend's place & surprisingly he introduced me to 5 of his friends. They liked me & even told me to visit more often with him. He was very affectionate while there - caring as well. But he was drunk sigh! I asked him if we are friends with benefits & he said no. But I didn't ask anything else. I am going overseas very soon with a friend & he wants to introduce us to a childhood friend in Dublin to take us around. He also wants me to visit his hometown. I found this very sweet of him. I really have fallen for him at first sight - very close to being in love. We've had a pregnancy scare & on Saturday after freaking out a bit I texted him & he calmed me down - told me it'll be fine since he had only joked about things. So I was relieved & said good night. He didn't respond. I haven't heard from him since then. I invited him over on Monday (y'day) for dinner - no response am doing these dinners at home to distract him & ensure he doesn't need to spend on dating me. He has told my friends he finds me amazing & beautiful. He has told me he finds me to be a genuinely nice person. He is 4 years younger than me (he's 29 & I am 33). I have 2 houses & a great govt job - so I have a lot going for me. This caused issues with my ex sadly - one of the main reasons he had broken my heart. I am also an artist - he loves my work. My social life is full on - have most weekends packed - so am not waiting around for him. *He likes my cooking & enjoys my company. Am really confused - what is going on here? Has he bolted? It's been 24 hours since I sent the sms. Am I being selfish to expect his company while he's struggling to find work? Thanx in advance for hints & advise!!
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 It's very hard on a mans ego to be jobless. I assume that he's not feeling too great about himself right now and it mus be hard dating someone who has all her ducks in a row when he does not. That could have a lot to do with it. When you don't like yourself very much, it's hard to accept that others like you. You said he has increased his drinking- another indication that he isn't feeling good about himself. Drinking is often associated with shame and guilt. I think that until he finds a job he likes and gets his ego back under control, having a healthy relationship with him is going to be hard.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 I agree!! After my experience with my ex where we were in love & then the job loss killed our relationship - I know you are right. So what should I do? Shall I contact him at all? We are both happy with texting - never bothered with calls really. I've read other posts about calling instead of texting. It's been 24 hours - he's never taken this long to respond. Maybe he doesn't have credit or lost his phone. Not making excuses but I know friends who email me instead of texting to save money. He is struggling with his rent. And here I am on my way for an overseas holiday. I know he wants to wine & dine me. I have seen the deterioration in his grooming & clothes after our 1st date which coincided with the end of his previous job which he really liked & was hoping he'd get to keep. Yes he is drinking way too much - stays up at night & literally passes out during the day. He wasn't feeling well last time he was over. I had invited him over on Saturday night after I got home from a social thing - he told me he was honestly not feeling well & was going to bed. But he's keeping on drinking anyway I have a boardgames night this Saturday - he knows about it - dunno if he remembers it - should I remind him? I really don't want to go overseas without knowing where I stand either I really like him for him - not his money or car or job. I felt the same way for my ex & still couldn't hold the relationship together massive deja vu here!
sm1tten Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Hm. well, if you want to keep on with him then maybe you could invite him over for the board games night and if he doesn't respond/show then you basically know where you stand. Although honestly this guy sounds like a mess.
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I think the best thing you can do is give him space actually. When someone isn't responding to you, it's sending a message that they need space, and I think you need to pay attention to that. If you keep contacting him after he hasn't answered, it's going to pressure him. I think you have to let him come to you.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Yes it's tough not to reach out but I have to leave him alone. So you don't think I've blown it - do you? I have shown a lot of affection - but that's how I am as a person - I do the same to my friends. And to curb that is to change the way I am. I have accepted a date with a guy i've known for a year - but we have only net twice. We get along well & are on each others Facebook. He likes me I know & has a very similar career path as mine. So we match up better in that way. The only reason I have accepted is cos I don't know where I stand with my Irish man - we haven't had the exclusivity chat either - yes we have established that we aren't friends with benefits. Am I doing the right thing? What if he gets angry that I met up with someone else? I don't know whether I should put my eggs in one basket - a lesson I've learnt from past experiences.
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Yes it's tough not to reach out but I have to leave him alone. So you don't think I've blown it - do you? I have shown a lot of affection - but that's how I am as a person - I do the same to my friends. And to curb that is to change the way I am. I have accepted a date with a guy i've known for a year - but we have only net twice. We get along well & are on each others Facebook. He likes me I know & has a very similar career path as mine. So we match up better in that way. The only reason I have accepted is cos I don't know where I stand with my Irish man - we haven't had the exclusivity chat either - yes we have established that we aren't friends with benefits. Am I doing the right thing? What if he gets angry that I met up with someone else? I don't know whether I should put my eggs in one basket - a lesson I've learnt from past experiences. Good for you. Also, you've only known Irish for just over a month, so you still don't know him all that well. I can't see how you've blown anything because it's not you, it's him! As hard as it is to not reach out, I think it's best to let him be. You said your ex drank and this guy seems to have a problem as well- he may just not be the right guy for you, especially if he's an alcoholic.
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Oh good...good to know I am taking the right path. I know I will miss having him around on weekends & on social gatherings like at the boardgames night but I cannot force him to plaster a grin on his face when his life's in shambles. He did tell me on Friday that seeing me was the best thing he'd had the entire week - I don't want to be a burden for him - but something that makes him happy. Yes I was left shattered by my ex in Jan 2010 when after a year & a half together he broke up with me cos I had 'a job, a degree & a house' I knew he was depressed & he acknowledged that to me. Hecalled himself a binge drinker - he had very low self esteem. But he had been lovely to me up until the breakup. He had chased me for well over 3 months & professed his love for me. I slowly fell in love with him when we moved in together. His family & friends loved me - I lived them. We had heaps in common - music, sports etc! I loved him so much & am still recovering actually cos it came as a shock - I hadn't seen the breakup coming. He had lost his job cos of his drinking - I had gotten him the job - I viewed it as team effort. So yes I mothered him - I've told Irish guy that that's why am hiding back cos I don't want to emasculate him. After the breakup he subjected me to terrible verbal abuse - it has taken a lot of inner strength to get back to where I am - still not where I was before the breakup but I've built this social circle from scratch, got my 2nd house, received a bonus at work & had 2 art exhibitions after a long hiatus of 13 years. So I've reinvented myself but I carry the bruises & baggage. I know with time I'll get past these....it cannot happen overnight. I just don't know if I can put Irish guy in the same basket as my ex - my ex had invested a lot in me & everyone's an individual...shouldn't generalize. I really cannot believe this coincidence though - their b'day's are 7 days apart & Irish guy's a better looking version of my ex. I can assure you I wasn't out to find copy - it'sjust happened - and the bad bits seem worse actually I'll see how my 3rd date with the other guy goes & keep myself busy. If Irish guy contacts me - which I think he will - I'll cross the bridge then. Sad he made me so happy
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Oh good...good to know I am taking the right path. I know I will miss having him around on weekends & on social gatherings like at the boardgames night but I cannot force him to plaster a grin on his face when his life's in shambles. He did tell me on Friday that seeing me was the best thing he'd had the entire week - I don't want to be a burden for him - but something that makes him happy. Yes I was left shattered by my ex in Jan 2010 when after a year & a half together he broke up with me cos I had 'a job, a degree & a house' I knew he was depressed & he acknowledged that to me. Hecalled himself a binge drinker - he had very low self esteem. But he had been lovely to me up until the breakup. He had chased me for well over 3 months & professed his love for me. I slowly fell in love with him when we moved in together. His family & friends loved me - I lived them. We had heaps in common - music, sports etc! I loved him so much & am still recovering actually cos it came as a shock - I hadn't seen the breakup coming. He had lost his job cos of his drinking - I had gotten him the job - I viewed it as team effort. So yes I mothered him - I've told Irish guy that that's why am hiding back cos I don't want to emasculate him. After the breakup he subjected me to terrible verbal abuse - it has taken a lot of inner strength to get back to where I am - still not where I was before the breakup but I've built this social circle from scratch, got my 2nd house, received a bonus at work & had 2 art exhibitions after a long hiatus of 13 years. So I've reinvented myself but I carry the bruises & baggage. I know with time I'll get past these....it cannot happen overnight. I just don't know if I can put Irish guy in the same basket as my ex - my ex had invested a lot in me & everyone's an individual...shouldn't generalize. I really cannot believe this coincidence though - their b'day's are 7 days apart & Irish guy's a better looking version of my ex. I can assure you I wasn't out to find copy - it'sjust happened - and the bad bits seem worse actually I'll see how my 3rd date with the other guy goes & keep myself busy. If Irish guy contacts me - which I think he will - I'll cross the bridge then. Sad he made me so happy I'm sure he will contact you as well, and you can make a decision then. All I know is that when people feel like crap about themselves, it would be hard to date someone with their sh&t together (especially a man). You can't help him though, he has to help himself. It would also be nice to date him when he is a little more settled from your end I imagine. Who knows, he may be depressed...
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 I think he's a tough cookie to be depressed but he is showing signs for sure - who wouldn't be without a job! I know my rock is my job - without it I'd be a failure! And if I ever lost it, I'd be a mess! You've been lovely - thank you. I am normally the pillar for my friends & they tell me am wise & give very good & unselfish advise lol! But when it comes to my heart, am clueless! Guess the experience with my ex has left me a bit fragile - before that I was so strong! He just sms'd me the following: How u going? Only got my phone back this morn. Left it in my mates gaff. I wasn't ignoring u r anything. How the auditions going? I have a gameshow audition this evening lol! Such a relief, I've just sobbed out of relief lol! But I have learnt a lesson from this mini-episode - I have to back off a bit - I was getting too carried away with this new found happiness! I will still go ahead with my date - though I kind of feel am cheating lol!!
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I think he's a tough cookie to be depressed but he is showing signs for sure - who wouldn't be without a job! I know my rock is my job - without it I'd be a failure! And if I ever lost it, I'd be a mess! You've been lovely - thank you. I am normally the pillar for my friends & they tell me am wise & give very good & unselfish advise lol! But when it comes to my heart, am clueless! Guess the experience with my ex has left me a bit fragile - before that I was so strong! He just sms'd me the following: How u going? Only got my phone back this morn. Left it in my mates gaff. I wasn't ignoring u r anything. How the auditions going? I have a gameshow audition this evening lol! Such a relief, I've just sobbed out of relief lol! But I have learnt a lesson from this mini-episode - I have to back off a bit - I was getting too carried away with this new found happiness! I will still go ahead with my date - though I kind of feel am cheating lol!! Until you have "that exclusive talk", it's not cheating. There is also nothing wrong with taking things slow because regardless, he doesn't have a job, and he's still going to have those reservations about not being good enough until he finds one!! He's unstable in his life right now, so you're doing the right thing by pulling back a bit. It's scary when someone makes you feel as vulnerable as you're feeling with him. I bet he sees you doing all these things, having a great job, your own place, lots of happiness in your life- and he's not at that place currently.... I doubt he's going to get into exclusive mode until he gets his act together. Do you like the other guy at all? I am guessing no, lol. I too am the pillar to my friends- and am a much better coach than a player when it comes to love:(. Very cool about the gameshow:cool:
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Yes indeed he is terribly unstable at this point! I don't want to add to his confusion. As much as I am so tempted to have 'the talk' with him - mainly cos am going overseas in less than 3 weeks - I just want to know where we stand - all I want to know if I am coming home to him. But I know when the time is right I will know it & will ask him them. Who knows he might have a job soon enough & I can then bring this up. Haha! Yes the gameshow is such a funny thing that's happened - am going with one of my close friends who was worried what mood I'd be in. I would have put up a brave face & a witty front still - but his text has eased the pressure now & I can give this a good shot lol!! I am kind of ambivalent about the other guy. He had asked me out early last year...had 'extra' tickets to the comedy festival. After that he vanished - I didn't mind really since it was too soon after my breakup & so I was recovering at that time - making friends. Then suddenly he asked me out again & I got a bit tipsy then lol & asked him if he'd 'like to see more of me'. OMG I was so embarrassed the next morning. But he made light of it - made it easy for me lol! Then again he went missing (traveling I guess). I started seeing another guy for a while. He told me later that he kept track via Facebook lol! Then he asked me out again a few days before I met Irish guy. We met up - had a great time - he wanted to meet up next weekend - but he vanished again. This attitude annoys me! I now just pull his leg about it lol - call it his 'hibernation' mode lol! There is potential there...and he is better matched career wise & academically to me but I can't tell since he keeps disappearing lol!!
D-Lish Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Yes indeed he is terribly unstable at this point! I don't want to add to his confusion. As much as I am so tempted to have 'the talk' with him - mainly cos am going overseas in less than 3 weeks - I just want to know where we stand - all I want to know if I am coming home to him. But I know when the time is right I will know it & will ask him them. Who knows he might have a job soon enough & I can then bring this up. Haha! Yes the gameshow is such a funny thing that's happened - am going with one of my close friends who was worried what mood I'd be in. I would have put up a brave face & a witty front still - but his text has eased the pressure now & I can give this a good shot lol!! I am kind of ambivalent about the other guy. He had asked me out early last year...had 'extra' tickets to the comedy festival. After that he vanished - I didn't mind really since it was too soon after my breakup & so I was recovering at that time - making friends. Then suddenly he asked me out again & I got a bit tipsy then lol & asked him if he'd 'like to see more of me'. OMG I was so embarrassed the next morning. But he made light of it - made it easy for me lol! Then again he went missing (traveling I guess). I started seeing another guy for a while. He told me later that he kept track via Facebook lol! Then he asked me out again a few days before I met Irish guy. We met up - had a great time - he wanted to meet up next weekend - but he vanished again. This attitude annoys me! I now just pull his leg about it lol - call it his 'hibernation' mode lol! There is potential there...and he is better matched career wise & academically to me but I can't tell since he keeps disappearing lol!! I dated an "Irish guy"... I met him on POF before he came to Canada to live for a year (which turned into 2 years)... He was charming, but always a source of great distress for me. I never bring up the exclusive talk with a guy- I always see it as too much pressure, and I like the reward of having them ask me- which if you wait and act cool, they always do when they like you. I don't know why as women we are always in such a hurry to make a man commit. It's easier to just play it cool, be cool, then wait for them to bring it up. With my last ex, I never had the talk with him, but we were pretty comfortable with one another and I knew he wanted to be together. I think we were 5-6 weeks in and he introduced me as his gf to his friend. Your best way of handling it is to go on your trip and just have a good time without worrying about what is going on with him or whether or not he wants to be exclusive. I have to say- if you question the exclusivity, and you have to ask- then something is off. Go off, enjoy your vacation- don't worry about any of these boys:).
Author Rhia1978 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 Haha mine is on a visa till next may but he's said he desperately wants to stay here....let's see....all depends on his work. One of my closest friends is a removals officer at immigration & she really likes him though she bluntly told him that she's deported quite a few Irish boys back haha - should have seen his face lol!! I myself used to work in immigration but not in the visas section lol!! You are right...it's sometimes better off left alone - the exclusivity chat. With my ex I just blurted out 'are we single to mingle' one day and he said 'no' lol!! It was unplanned & I was moving cities & needed to know. I know Irish boy is not seeing anyone else...hmmm...yes leave it till after my trip. Thanx so much for listening...you have been lovely now onto my auditions - have to switch on the charm lol!! You have a lovely day!!
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