reptilelover88 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Hi, This is my first time posting here so please be gentle with me! I've been with my boyfriend for eight months. When we're physically together he's the most loving, funny and interesting guy I've ever dated. He is extremely affectionate and our sex life is great. In short, everything is perfect - when we're together. However, as soon as we're apart (we don't live very near each other so have to spend some time apart during the university holidays), he becomes very distant. We don't talk on the phone very much - maybe a 10 minute conversation once every 4-5 days - and I'm lucky if I get two texts a day from him. If I text him first he usually responds quickly but not always; it can take him up to a day to reply, even when I ask a question. The texts I do get are generally very businesslike in nature and he rarely expresses affection that way. When we talk on the phone he seems keen to end the conversation and recently he hasn't been saying 'I love you' at the end of calls, even though we say it all the time in person. A few weeks ago he didn't contact me at all for three days. When we're together he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but when we're apart I constantly yearn for more attention from him. I don't think I'm particularly needy - I don't need to hear from my boyfriend every day as I have a very busy life of my own - but I'm getting fed up with the consistent lack of attention. I find it confusing and upsetting going from being extremely close to distant in a never-ending cycle. I have had several boyfriends who have dumped me in the past by just cutting contact, so lack of contact is a sensitive issue for me. I have talked about this with my boyfriend on several occasions, usually when I finally lose patience with not hearing from him and get upset. He says that I'm overreacting but also that he understands my point of view and that he'll make a special effort to contact me more. Things usually get better for a day or two but then go back to the way they were. I have tried contacting him more (result: I do hear from him more often but end up feeling like I'm putting in all the effort) and less (result: I don't hear from him for 2-3 days as if he doesn't even notice). I don't know what to do. I really don't want to break up with him but I don't see how we can continue locked in this cycle. I feel like I can't get through to him on this issue. I wonder whether his heavy video game usage has anything to do with the fact that he seems to forget about me when we're apart. I'd be grateful for any advice or support. Thanks, Celia
zengirl Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 However, as soon as we're apart (we don't live very near each other so have to spend some time apart during the university holidays), he becomes very distant. We don't talk on the phone very much - maybe a 10 minute conversation once every 4-5 days - and I'm lucky if I get two texts a day from him. How long are these holidays and how frequent? Is it all summer long? If it's just a couple times a year, for a few weeks at a time, where you're traveling and visiting home, and you're seeing each other the rest of the time. . . I think it's less of an issue. If you're in a LDR . . . that's different. You may have to face that his communication style and your communication style clash on this manner. How much they clash, I can't say. If it's the whole summer (well, over now), I can see being frustrated with it, since it's a long time, but the whole dynamic will likely be different by next summer if you're still together. Shorter holidays are not going to feel the same, and that's all you have ahead of you. So, I'm not sure how much it's worth trying to problem-solve, when time will soon solve the problem for you and bring y'all back together. If I text him first he usually responds quickly but not always; it can take him up to a day to reply, even when I ask a question. The texts I do get are generally very businesslike in nature and he rarely expresses affection that way. When we talk on the phone he seems keen to end the conversation and recently he hasn't been saying 'I love you' at the end of calls, even though we say it all the time in person. A few weeks ago he didn't contact me at all for three days. Do you say ILY at the end and not get it back? That's the only thing that strikes me as really odd. I hate talking on the phone, so I always sound keen to get off, so personally, I never take that to mean anything. Most men I know hate talking on the phone for more than 10 minutes. I have had several boyfriends who have dumped me in the past by just cutting contact, so lack of contact is a sensitive issue for me. Okay (a) those guys were jerks, and (b) this is likely why you feel a little more anxious about this issue than others---good on that for recognizing it. There's a difference between, "I miss you all summer and it's hard without enough contact" (potentially valid to most people since it's a long time, and you have to put sustained energy into contact; it's essentially a short LDR period) and "The lack of contact pushes my buttons and makes me feel insecure" which I think is possibly also playing in, based on this comment. Eliminate that stuff so you can discuss it totally rationally if you want to discuss it. ALWAYS approach a man totally rationally if there's a problem. And work towards a solution. I have talked about this with my boyfriend on several occasions, usually when I finally lose patience with not hearing from him and get upset. Yeah, when you get upset is the worst time to try to problem solve. It seems to me like your BF wants to make you happy (and that's worth a lot) and while it may seem "so easy" for you to do what you asked, it might not seem easy to him (different contact styles). I think if the other person wants to make you happy, it's silly to be adversarial. Instead, treat it as a problem you should BOTH solve as a team. And be rational. Things usually get better for a day or two but then go back to the way they were. This, to me, shows he's trying, and that it's harder for him than you might think to do what you want. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to break up with him but I don't see how we can continue locked in this cycle. I feel like I can't get through to him on this issue. I wonder whether his heavy video game usage has anything to do with the fact that he seems to forget about me when we're apart. I'd be grateful for any advice or support. I wouldn't assume that he's forgotten about you. I pretty rarely call/text my BF (we're not LDR, so it's not an issue) and wouldn't miss a day or two if he didn't call me, and he calls or texts (usually texts because I don't like calls) most days. But I still totally think about him all the time. Thinking about him and thinking, "I should call him!" are just totally different.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Im the same way your boyfriend is. I understand what he is. With a busy life, as long as he has a girlfriend waiting for him when he shows up, he doesnt need to hear from her. He isnt starved for affection, he only needs it in person and thats it. He doesnt need to hear about feelings, or good night, or whatever. This is the way he is, its all he needs emotionally. he probably wont change, so if you need more, which Im telling you now he DOESNT want to give more, then you two are incompatible. You need to date someone who wants to hear from you as much as you want to hear from him. Either that or he has a girlfriend or booty call that lives closer to him. Dont look for him. Wait for him to contact you, and he might start wanting to talk to you more. But you have to avoid contacting him totally.
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