broccoli89 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I've been in the friend zone with this girl for 3 years. She never saw me that way, although I've been love with her this whole time. We met in college. Our senior year she got a boyfriend and tried to hide it from me, although she told everyone else so I found out anyway. She even invited me to dinner once at her place and her boyfriend was 'unexpectedly' there. That was pretty devastating, but I moved on and started dating other girls, while ceasing communication with her. She would still hit me up from time to time, still insisting that she did not have a boyfriend while all the while I knew better. They broke up around the New Year but she tried to get back with him, and came to me and apologized for taking me for granted and saying that there could be a chance for us in the future. We hooked up a few times but nothing more, just a kiss. But now we graduated, she's staying there, and I've moved back home two states away, which isn't that bad except I am still job searching so it's not like I can visit her whenever I want. My point is now I feel like she is taking me for granted again even though she says she still has feeling for me. She says she does see me as more than a friend, but does not want to get serious, but is not against 'more than friendship.' I asked her if she meant friends with benefits and she never answered. And she still gives off the 'just friends' vibe... she doesn't like to sit next to me or basically give me an opening so that I could make a move. I'm at a loss of what to do and could really use some advice... what does she want? Every time I ask she says she wants "to let what happens happen."
Casablanca Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I've been in the friend zone with this girl for 3 years. She says she does see me as more than a friend, but does not want to get serious, but is not against 'more than friendship.' I asked her if she meant friends with benefits and she never answered. And she still gives off the 'just friends' vibe... she doesn't like to sit next to me or basically give me an opening so that I could make a move. I'm at a loss of what to do and could really use some advice... what does she want? Every time I ask she says she wants "to let what happens happen." I can say that for starters....friendzone doesnt exist...it just means someone isnt attracted to you physically and/or mentally I'm not sure what she is looking for...she may be interested in FWB...maybe she is starting to care about you in a serious way...she may be confused on her feelings herself. How long of a drive are you two apart? It may not be worth starting a LDR because they are hard, especially if you are starting out as a LDR...though having a base friendship helps things. The distance thing might be hanging her up....seems like she could find a FWB in town if that is what she wanted...ask her about how she feels about the distance between you two.
rafallus Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) Emulate the situations where you two hooked up (if not in person, try to get her as much emotionally "going" as possible), and stop pressing her with questions, relying on emotions that were at the time, but may not be present now. You are not screwed yet. Edited August 15, 2011 by rafallus
KathyM Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I've been in the friend zone with this girl for 3 years. She never saw me that way, although I've been love with her this whole time. We met in college. Our senior year she got a boyfriend and tried to hide it from me, although she told everyone else so I found out anyway. She even invited me to dinner once at her place and her boyfriend was 'unexpectedly' there. That was pretty devastating, but I moved on and started dating other girls, while ceasing communication with her. She would still hit me up from time to time, still insisting that she did not have a boyfriend while all the while I knew better. They broke up around the New Year but she tried to get back with him, and came to me and apologized for taking me for granted and saying that there could be a chance for us in the future. We hooked up a few times but nothing more, just a kiss. But now we graduated, she's staying there, and I've moved back home two states away, which isn't that bad except I am still job searching so it's not like I can visit her whenever I want. My point is now I feel like she is taking me for granted again even though she says she still has feeling for me. She says she does see me as more than a friend, but does not want to get serious, but is not against 'more than friendship.' I asked her if she meant friends with benefits and she never answered. And she still gives off the 'just friends' vibe... she doesn't like to sit next to me or basically give me an opening so that I could make a move. I'm at a loss of what to do and could really use some advice... what does she want? Every time I ask she says she wants "to let what happens happen." Don't let her use you. She's stringing you along, while keeping her options open. Just let that relationship be in the past. It doesn't work to be friends with someone when one of the parties wants more than just a friendship. She's giving you mixed signals to keep you hanging on--telling you maybe there might be more than a friendship in the future, but yet she's not willing to let it be more, always keeping you at arm's length. Don't allow yourself to be used, or to be her second option if some other relationship doesn't pan out.
lonelyheartbeat Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think the part that troubles me about the story is you said she had a boyfriend and tried to hide it. Even later insisting she did not have a boyfriend. Why? If you guys weren't more than friends even at that point, why did she feel the need to hide it? I canly only assume it's as the last poster said and that she's keeping her options open. She likes you to an extent, but she's seeing if something else will come along. And hey, if not, then she has you to fall back on and be her buddy. I want to spout here psychology mumbo-jumbo and say she's using you to fill that void of not having a romantic partner. Personally, I'd cut contact. I'm sure it'll be hard. I've never been in love myself, but I've been there when you've really liked someone and they string you along, never answering questions directly and making you feel like second-best. Good luck to you.
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 It sounds like she wants to dictate everything about the relationship so that she can keep her options open without losing her backup plan, who she frankly doesn't even seem all that into. It sounds like a frankly bad scene if you are in love with her, but should you turn the tables and string her ass along, not too bad actually.
manji123 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I have to agree with rafallus. I think she is keeping her options open and probably likes the attention you give her more than anything. Personally it sounds like she is using you as an ego booster. From what I can tell you sound like a really great stand up guy who is open and honest. However, on the other hand she doesn't sound like that at all. So you have have to ask yourself would you really want a relationship with someone like that? Especially in the terms of a LDR? Personally I think you deserve better.
Author broccoli89 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 we have talked about the distance thing, and she says she hates that we aren't close to each other anymore, that she took for granted the fact that i was always right up the street
Author broccoli89 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 that's exactly what it feels like, that i'm just some placeholder, the just in case guy. i've talked to her about that, about how she makes me feel like that but she insists that's not the case. it's just hard now that she has finally admitted that she shares the same feelings for me you know? but it does seem like she's stringing me along... it's been three years and we are still at this point. it's like my friend said, it either is or it isn't, and the harsh reality is that it isn't. maybe in some future but i don't want to sit idly waiting for that to happen.
Author broccoli89 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 first of all i want to thank all of you for your advice, i really didn't think i'd be getting feedback! sometimes i do feel like cutting it off is the right thing to do, but i don't want to hurt her feelings and frankly she makes it hard to cease communication. i tried once and she kept talking to me, which lead to her confronting me and kissing me and then saying that was a mistake. deep down i know what i have to do, for myself. i need to stop talking to her. but i don't know how to cut her off without seeming selfish and hurting her feelings. has anyone ever had to do something like this? cut someone off even though you really care about her? if so any tips?
thatone Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 women who keep male friends around that they know are attracted to them when they have boyfriends are cheating just like men who pick up drunken barflies are cheating on their girlfriends. when something comes up with her boyfriend she doesn't want to deal with, she has you to fall back on for attention or a shoulder to cry on. so how is it you're worried about her feelings? if a male friend borrowed money from you and went on for three years still contacting you with a hint of paying the money back but never actually paid it back, would you worry about hurting his feelings by telling him he needs to give you your damn money back? no, you wouldn't, so you don't have to worry about this manipulative woman when you snatch your balls back from her and tell her to have a nice life either.
Recommended Posts