Is she a rebound?

[katie.x]

I was with my bf for 7 months, we were both very much in love but at the 6 month point he seemed to have checked out a little in terms of making an effort towards me. I confronted him and suggested we have a break, at which he broke down in tears and repeatedly apologised for his behaviour. A week later we met up and he told me his depression was affecting him and he thought he was hiding it but clearly wasn't. We decided to break apart for a while whist he sorted himself out as he didn't want to hold me back if he was going to be as he was for a long time as he is against medication and refuses to see a doctor about his depression.

 

So we had space, and started coming back together again, where 2 months later he told his mum (who he barely talks to) that he was getting back together with me. I had had some trust issues with him though because once we broke up, a girl stated pressuring him, his best mates best friend and who is openly lovely with everyone, which is why my ex couldn't understand why i had an issue. We had a few fights over this girl and it got to the point he was too weighted down by arguing and had to cut my loose. He couldn't see why i was upset as he had no interest in her like that.

 

He tried being friends but more arguing, so it came to the point he told me over the phone he didn't want me in his life. The whole time this is going on, the other girl was constantly in contact with him and trying to lead her 'support'.

 

So a month of not talking and he is now with this other girl. I called to ask about it and he literally screamed down the phone at me, dropping f bombs constantly and even made the comment he needed a restraining order against me. He said everything was my fault and the other girl never did anything wrong.

Now from where i stand, this other girl has been in his ear talking badly of me and building herself up. I feel he has completely rebounded to her and is clearly not over everything as he felt the need to scream at me after not talking for a month. Another few things, she smokes and he HATES smoking with a passion, and his best mate and he best mate also got together within the same 24 hours. I'm 20, he's 20, the girl is 22, the best mate 20 and his gf 22.

Opinions?

[Nohbody]

My opinion: it doesn't matter. Go have a good time. He'll probably come crawling back at some point when his depression symptoms come back and he pushes this girl away and she leaves him. Then you can deal with his problems if you want to. Or not.

[katie.x]

I feel the same, and i also think he hasn't properly dealt with our break up as because of the need to scream at me over the phone after a month, all those emotions are still right there, and he's just jumped onto the affections this other girl is giving.

[Eddie Edirol]

I feel the same, and i also think he hasn't properly dealt with our break up as because of the need to scream at me over the phone after a month, all those emotions are still right there, and he's just jumped onto the affections this other girl is giving.

 

it would only be a rebound if you dumped him. I think his depression was an excuse to break up with you, so he could start seeing this girl. So it doesnt matter if it works out with her or not, he'll just find another one after her because he is over you. He doesnt have to deal with your breakup when he was trying to leave you, he already dealt with it, probably at least a month before you broke up, so he was finished with you long ago.

[katie.x]

it would only be a rebound if you dumped him. I think his depression was an excuse to break up with you, so he could start seeing this girl. So it doesnt matter if it works out with her or not, he'll just find another one after her because he is over you. He doesnt have to deal with your breakup when he was trying to leave you, he already dealt with it, probably at least a month before you broke up, so he was finished with you long ago.

 

I actually broke it off him him because of his behaviour. We were trying to get back together for 2 months but as I said, he couldn't take the fighting. She was also in another country for a month whilst him and I were trying to be friends, then once we stopped talking she came back, then a month later they got together. He didn't go after this girl at all whilst him and i were trying to get back together, she was going after him.

[wilsonx]

I was with my bf for 7 months, we were both very much in love but at the 6 month point he seemed to have checked out a little in terms of making an effort towards me. I confronted him and suggested we have a break, at which he broke down in tears and repeatedly apologised for his behaviour. A week later we met up and he told me his depression was affecting him and he thought he was hiding it but clearly wasn't. We decided to break apart for a while whist he sorted himself out as he didn't want to hold me back if he was going to be as he was for a long time as he is against medication and refuses to see a doctor about his depression.

 

So we had space, and started coming back together again, where 2 months later he told his mum (who he barely talks to) that he was getting back together with me. I had had some trust issues with him though because once we broke up, a girl stated pressuring him, his best mates best friend and who is openly lovely with everyone, which is why my ex couldn't understand why i had an issue. We had a few fights over this girl and it got to the point he was too weighted down by arguing and had to cut my loose. He couldn't see why i was upset as he had no interest in her like that.

 

He tried being friends but more arguing, so it came to the point he told me over the phone he didn't want me in his life. The whole time this is going on, the other girl was constantly in contact with him and trying to lead her 'support'.

 

So a month of not talking and he is now with this other girl. I called to ask about it and he literally screamed down the phone at me, dropping f bombs constantly and even made the comment he needed a restraining order against me. He said everything was my fault and the other girl never did anything wrong.

Now from where i stand, this other girl has been in his ear talking badly of me and building herself up. I feel he has completely rebounded to her and is clearly not over everything as he felt the need to scream at me after not talking for a month. Another few things, she smokes and he HATES smoking with a passion, and his best mate and he best mate also got together within the same 24 hours. I'm 20, he's 20, the girl is 22, the best mate 20 and his gf 22.

Opinions?

 

Ok i'm going to chime in here. Katie, I believe you were right about talking to him about this girl. Your instincts were telling you something that did not feel right and guess what, they were right. He's with her now. My ex hung out with a lot of guys but only one didn't feel right, guess who shes with now. When your instincts are telling you something, they are usually right. If there's a lesson to be learned here, that's it. Listen to your instincts. Any guy that had respect for his significant other would say ok, I understand what you are saying, I will ask her to back off for a while. He didn't. This isn't the type of guy you want to be with trust me.

 

There are plenty of other guys out there that would value someone like you. Keep to your guns, he was depressed because he hit that on off switch of love, it had nothing to do with the doctor. Your story is very similar to mine. Feel free to check out the grass is greener link in my signature

[katie.x]

Ok i'm going to chime in here. Katie, I believe you were right about talking to him about this girl. Your instincts were telling you something that did not feel right and guess what, they were right. He's with her now. My ex hung out with a lot of guys but only one didn't feel right, guess who shes with now. When your instincts are telling you something, they are usually right. If there's a lesson to be learned here, that's it. Listen to your instincts. Any guy that had respect for his significant other would say ok, I understand what you are saying, I will ask her to back off for a while. He didn't. This isn't the type of guy you want to be with trust me.

 

There are plenty of other guys out there that would value someone like you. Keep to your guns, he was depressed because he hit that on off switch of love, it had nothing to do with the doctor. Your story is very similar to mine. Feel free to check out the grass is greener link in my signature

 

That's how I felt, when we got together he said 'I have 4 girl best friends, if you can't deal with it then we can't be together' but I was totally fine with them, this other girl only came around once we broke up. He still believes she was just being his friend the whole time, and he only liked her once they started hanging out when i was out of the picture, he even said he discussed our issues with her, which is clearly a giant mistake on his behalf.

 

He did tell her to back off twice but this was when things were too far gone so i didn't really help our relationship.

I just really want his relationship with her to fall to **** and for him to realise she really did everything I had tried to warn him about.

When he decided to take a break because of his depression he actually told e he couldn't see his life without me and could see himself marrying me, whilst crying. Why throw that away for someone who manipulated you away from someone you loved?

[wilsonx]

That's how I felt, when we got together he said 'I have 4 girl best friends, if you can't deal with it then we can't be together' but I was totally fine with them, this other girl only came around once we broke up. He still believes she was just being his friend the whole time, and he only liked her once they started hanging out when i was out of the picture, he even said he discussed our issues with her, which is clearly a giant mistake on his behalf.

 

He did tell her to back off twice but this was when things were too far gone so i didn't really help our relationship.

I just really want his relationship with her to fall to **** and for him to realise she really did everything I had tried to warn him about.

When he decided to take a break because of his depression he actually told e he couldn't see his life without me and could see himself marrying me, whilst crying. Why throw that away for someone who manipulated you away from someone you loved?

 

You made absolutely no mistakes. Don't think you did, he's gaslighting you into believing you did so he can walk away with a clean conscience. She did not manipulate him at all, it takes 2 to tango.

 

He was depressed because he was going through the stages of breaking up. He hit that damn light switch thing like a toy mack described in "No longer attracted to you" thread in my signature. That was him distancing himself from you.

 

As for why throw away his relationship with you for her, possibly because he's emotionally immature. If you read around the forums, you will see these people do this stuff all the time.

[katie.x]

You made absolutely no mistakes. Don't think you did, he's gaslighting you into believing you did so he can walk away with a clean conscience. She did not manipulate him at all, it takes 2 to tango.

 

He was depressed because he was going through the stages of breaking up. He hit that damn light switch thing like a toy mack described in "No longer attracted to you" thread in my signature. That was him distancing himself from you.

 

As for why throw away his relationship with you for her, possibly because he's emotionally immature. If you read around the forums, you will see these people do this stuff all the time.

 

OK, i get that, but as for being depressed because of feeling like he was wanting to break up, that's really not the case. He broke down in tears when i confronted him about his behaviour and asked for a break, he honestly didn't see it coming and this was a day before our 7 months. Then we spent two months trying to get back together and he told his mum that's what he was doing and wanted. Why bother with that and telling your mum, whom you barely talk to, if that's not how you felt. We also hung out with friends during this time in groups and multiple people were confused by how we interacted because they knew we'd broken up but we were exactly the same together. Even after we both stopped loving each other.

 

Whilst it does take two to tango, he honestly thought he was being a friend as this girl literlly tells EVERYONE in her life that she loves them and misses them and blah blah blah. But when you buy someone pants whilst you know they are trying to get back together with their ex, you've stepped over a line.

[wilsonx]

Look he lied to you, he lied to his mom. He said all these things to keep you around on his string as a safety net just in case this girl did not work out.

 

In all honesty, he asked for a break. A break is a breakup in the making while he gets all his ducks in a row.

 

I am not trying to be mean or do anything that will upset you but you have to open your eyes a little bit and read and listen. Even to yourself. Your heart is screaming and your head can't hear anything.

 

Read around the forums a bit. Read the breakup stories, read how the ex is in a new relationship 2 months later. My ex did the same thing. She blamed me for the end of the relationship. 100% my fault, I kick her out of my apartment, 2 months later, shes in a relationship with the other guy. There's a pattern. Open your eyes and see it

 

Now you are going to say NO NOT MY EX NO WAY. One of my good friends that just went through the same type of breakup said the same thing. Guess what he called me a week later and said man you were right shes a bitch

Edited August 16, 2011 by wilsonx

[katie.x]

Look he lied to you, he lied to his mom. He said all these things to keep you around on his string as a safety net just in case this girl did not work out.

 

In all honesty, he asked for a break. A break is a breakup in the making while he gets all his ducks in a row.

 

I am not trying to be mean or do anything that will upset you but you have to open your eyes a little bit and read and listen. Even to yourself. Your heart is screaming and your head can't hear anything.

 

Read around the forums a bit. Read the breakup stories, read how the ex is in a new relationship 2 months later. My ex did the same thing. She blamed me for the end of the relationship. 100% my fault, I kick her out of my apartment, 2 months later, shes in a relationship with the other guy. There's a pattern. Open your eyes and see it

 

I get that too, and i'm not arguing for the sake of it but this girl was actually overseas whilst we were trying to be friends, and she was actually going to be there till march next year but had a family tragedy and had to fly home. We stopped trying to be together whilst she was in the country, once she left we were trying to be friends and then i had actually confronted her about her behaviour, via facebook, as i had told my ex i couldn't handle feeling upset anymore and we needed to just cut all ties so i didn't have to play nice with this girl anymore.

But due the timing of my message and her personal crisis, i came off looking like the bad guy and it upset him causing him to just tell me to get out of his life because i was causing drama.

A friend of mine messaged him about everything and how disgusted she was with how he treated me and he replied he hated himself for what he'd done, he knew it was wrong but he just wanted to be happy and wanted me happy and it wasn't working together as friends.

 

I am wel aware he's lied to me about numerous things, but I believe his depression is strongly affecting him, as well as the opinions of the people around him who all believe i am in the wrong and the other girl did nothing wrong. He is emotionally immature and I feel he's trying to be happy and just jumped on the boat of what was right in front of him.

Everyone that knows him and I and know the FULL story believe he will regret everything and will she he's rebounded, but I am well aware i'm not going back there if he ever wanted to try again with me.

We never had problems whilst together, except for him depression and he actually told me he was scared he's lash out at me if we spent time together as he was angry a lot of the time, his dad had depression and abused his mum hence he didn't want to do the same.

 

I know it's a lot of info, sorry, and i am listening to what you're saying, I am trying to understand everything to feel more resolved as I have no closure from him. I know everyones situation is different but patterns are the same, but i just want to try and explain as much as possible because there is A LOT to consider.

[wilsonx]

You can give me all the info in the world but the pattern is the same.

 

Right now I guess the best thing for me to do is if you aren't already, go NC and stay that way. Start focusing on you and making yourself a better person. Pick up a new hobby, read a new book, go reconnect with old friends, make some new ones. Leave your ex and this situation in the past. Now its time for you to start focusing on now (I know this is easier said then done but once you get to this point and not looking in the past, you will start feeling better).

 

If you have any questions comments concerns feel free to reply here, the grass is greenier thread, or any other thread

[katie.x]

You can give me all the info in the world but the pattern is the same.

 

Right now I guess the best thing for me to do is if you aren't already, go NC and stay that way. Start focusing on you and making yourself a better person. Pick up a new hobby, read a new book, go reconnect with old friends, make some new ones. Leave your ex and this situation in the past. Now its time for you to start focusing on now (I know this is easier said then done but once you get to this point and not looking in the past, you will start feeling better).

 

If you have any questions comments concerns feel free to reply here, the grass is greenier thread, or any other thread

 

I am trying to do that, jst taking one day at a time. Trying to ignore the sinking feelings...

Do you think she's a rebound? He said he wanted me out of his life because i was causing drama, and i was gone for a month, i try calling him and he screams at me. I'm not in his life yet he has all this angry towards me that wasn't there when we last spoke.

Do you think he's trying to make himself feel better and get over everything by being with her? The girl smokes quiet heavily, and he HATES smoking with a passion. How could you have a real relationship with someone if it's such an issue for you?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

A friend of mine messaged him about everything and how disgusted she was with how he treated me and he replied he hated himself for what he'd done, he knew it was wrong but he just wanted to be happy and wanted me happy and it wasn't working together as friends.

 

Go NC and stop caring about what he, the other girl, or anyone else thinks about you... whether you came off as the bad person or not it doesn't matter.

 

I am wel aware he's lied to me about numerous things, but I believe his depression is strongly affecting him, as well as the opinions of the people around him who all believe i am in the wrong and the other girl did nothing wrong. He is emotionally immature and I feel he's trying to be happy and just jumped on the boat of what was right in front of him.

 

Stop defending him with these excuses. Get him off that pedestal that you've placed him on. I defended my ex after my breakup, Wilsonx did the same. I defended my ex with EVERYTHING that was said about her. The last time I defended her my mother made the remark "She's probably into drugs considering the crowd she is hanging out with now"... I responded "No mom, she would never do drugs... She's totally against them"

 

Not even an hour later I get a text from her "I'm so baked right now lmao"... I haven't defended her since.

 

Everyone that knows him and I and know the FULL story believe he will regret everything and will she he's rebounded, but I am well aware i'm not going back there if he ever wanted to try again with me.

 

He may regret it, he may not, But with your following "I'm not going back to him" remark makes his regret irrelevant now.

 

 

I know it's a lot of info, sorry, and i am listening to what you're saying, I am trying to understand everything to feel more resolved as I have no closure from him. I know everyones situation is different but patterns are the same, but i just want to try and explain as much as possible because there is A LOT to consider.

 

you get closure from within, not from him or anyone else. It is all in your mindset, once you take him off that pedestal, stop defending him, and take off the rose tinted glasses I think you'll see what others have responded to you with a lot differently.

 

 

I know it's hard, I've been there. Many others have been there too. I think you should re-read this entire thread in a few weeks, including what you responded with, I think you'll begin to see the big picture then.

[katie.x]

I know you're right.

At the same time I really hope his relationship doesn't work out, I don't want her to be better for him than me of course, who would.

I just feel like a fool whilst he is enjoying being with the person who split us apart. I want him to feel the hurt he made me feel.

[wilsonx]

whats funny is I SAID the same thing you said to your ex... i told my ex i couldnt be friends with her while she dated that guy... i felt like an idiot while shes dating the guy that split us apart. I wanted my ex to feel the hurt she made me feel.

 

We are both dealing with the same crap, you will soon be at the point where i am and really dont want to see your ex ever again. Trust me you are better off. They will feel the pain one day. There are threads all over this forum about dumpers coming back years later and feeling remorseful for what they have done. By that time everyone has moved on the bigger and better things... Just keep your chin up, take the pain and use all that negative energy for positive such as working out, learning something new, getting a new job, finishing school.

[katie.x]

Do you think the relationship could work though? Do you think he's rebounded?

I don't understand why he hates me when I didn't do anything but put him first whilst I was constantly upset by someone else. I would understand not being in each others lives but he's not even civil. I never wanted things to be this way.

I hate the other girl so much for taking him from me.

[wilsonx]

Do you think the relationship could work though? Do you think he's rebounded?

I don't understand why he hates me when I didn't do anything but put him first whilst I was constantly upset by someone else. I would understand not being in each others lives but he's not even civil. I never wanted things to be this way.

I hate the other girl so much for taking him from me.

 

Yup, you did the same things i did. See what I put in bold, this is going to be a lesson for you as it was a lesson for me. You always put yourself first, even in a relationship. Always. Look what you have left that he has taken everything that you got!

 

He's not civil because he's looking for a way to be mad at you and his conscience is killing him. He's trying to validate the breakup to himself and he's probably feeling extremely guilty. I've done it before. Also if you do not know this yet, love/hate is actually the same coin. You can't really hate someone if you don't love them first.

 

The question you have to honestly ask yourself is do you want to be a doormat? If he were to come back to you in 2 weeks and say oh **** sorry Katie I made a huge mistake, you would take him back. You would even if you say no now. I would have at the stage you are at now. No hesitation but I would be so hurt inside like you are now. The relationship would never work. You have to get over the hurt you are feeling now and you have to do this on your own. The best way to do that is let him go and get to the point where it doesn't matter what hes doing or who hes dating.

 

Is it easy? No, Im at the 3 month mark coming up next week and I still have a lot of hurt inside of me. The past 3 days have been the roughest of all time. But I have days of nothing but happiness too.

 

If you can not tell, you and I have the same thought process lol... X's after our real name. Not afraid to show the world who we truly are.

 

To give you an idea from experience, as I do have 9 years on you. Those type of people will not ever be happy with their lives until they stop steamrolling through people and figure out who they truly are. Some people never do that. Look at the marriage and separation forum and read the posts with the 5 stars. You dodged a bullet just like I did, we could have been posting in that forum after years of marriage and our ex's doing the same thing to us.

 

I know its really hard to accept but we both dodged bullets! HUGE BULLETS! Now its time to start focusing on you and not your ex

Edited August 16, 2011 by wilsonx

[katie.x]

I would take him back. I would have demands though, as well as trust issues and pain and i know it wouldn't work. Which is exactly why i don't want him coming back for me anytime soon, if at all.

At the same time, I don't want him happy with the other girl because as i said, i feel like a fool.

I can see he's a different person since he started hanging out with this girl and his best friend, he's lost contact with a lot of his mates he introduced me to.

They all tell me they haven't spoken in months and they were upset when we broke up because they all really like me and couldn't tell why we broke up.

I hate that he turned into such an ass and let himself be moulded by those around him, they aren't good people and this isn't just judging by my situation.

I want to be happy, but at the same time i am sad i have to fix it on my own while he is with the other girl.

[wilsonx]

Oh it sucks trust me, I know exactly what you're saying, you should read the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ this by homebrew. This was my inspiration when I came here, it helped me a lot to cope and you and I are going through the same exact thing. You'd be surprised, we're not the only ones.

 

My ex was molded by a coworker of hers... shes 23 hes 37. Shes back to smoking all the time, drinking and using drugs. She isnt the same person I knew and befriended over 3 years ago. Life happens.

 

Its not my problem anymore though, I can shrug it off now even though it still hurts and she pops in my head a lot.

[katie.x]

Its not my problem anymore though, I can shrug it off now even though it still hurts and she pops in my head a lot.

 

I was thinking today, my ex is changed, he's not who I loved or want. So I see things going one of two ways: His relationship ends and he tried to make amends(not going as far to say wanting to try again, more be on stable ground) or he sticks it out with this girl.

Now if he does come round and want to make amends i'll deal with it them, but if he sticks it out with girl then he's clearly someone I don't want in my life.

He's not who I knew and he doesn't care for me so why should I care for him?

 

Also, do you have a more direct way of contact, like facebook? Would you mind sharing as well or would you prefer not, it's fine if you don't.

Edited August 16, 2011 by katie.x

[wilsonx]

I use gmail. If you want to leave your username, ill chat later tonight after 10pm est

[katie.x]

I use gmail. If you want to leave your username, ill chat later tonight after 10pm est

 

katiej.x But i

m not sure what time you'll be on