Hope... hate it!

[smudge21]

Just made big mistake, and something I tell others on here not to do (always easy to give advice then it is to take it I guess). I went snooping on FB and heard news about ex's wedding plans...

 

It's been a good 6 months with 4 of those total NC and only recently have we started talking again, and I thought I was okay with it all. You know, happy to be her friend again (we split as friends, nothing nasty) and thought I was okay with the fact she's engaged. Until now. It feels like a huge weight has just smacked me right in the gut, I actually feel physically sick... just want to curl up and hide away, wake up and realise everything has been a bad nightmare! So wish I could put time back...

 

I guess despite everything, I still did have more hope than I thought I had, but once again it's been crushed, along with me too.

 

I hate this... hate it all. Hate feeling this way over someone who quite clearly moved on a long time ago. Now of course I know the dates she's planned and so that will eat away at me for some time and no doubt get worse.

 

I know my solution is back to no contact once again but with this knowledge already in my head, I can't imagine knowing anything else will make me feel any worse.

 

This sucks...

[Nohbody]

What I don't like about giving up is that it makes me feel like I failed.

Sometimes this is very useful.

But I've found that in relationships, not giving up on someone after they have given up on me, is an invitation for useless pain and suffering.

 

Hope springs eternal - like a hydra.

 

Sharpen your axe. Get to cutting.

[radiodarcy]

ahhh! sorry about that smudge. i know all to well how that feels. i tried being friends with the ex after three months of NC - - thinking i had healed enough.

 

after a few days he started ignoring me. when he did get in touch, he'd talk up a storm about all the women he was meeting through online dating. it's almost as though he was rubbing my nose in the fact that he was moving on - - even hough he'd made it plain to me he's moved on long before then; so i really didn't get the point.

 

at any rate, that was all if took for me to go back to NC. i think it was all the harder for me to see him move on when i still haven't. and you're right - - the reason i hadn't moved on was because i still had hope.

 

because of that, going back to NC was even harder than it was when i started it the first time. because i knew then that i really had to accept the fact that he wasn't coming back. but experiencing that pain - - as intense as it was (and still is at times) has also made it easier to stick with it this time.

[1Dunno]

Wow, really sorry to hear that smudge. You had been going so well with your NC too. Unfortunately it's a big roadbump in the healing road. As much as it sucks, look at it this way: at least now you can get rid of that tiny bit of hope that you thought she might come back one day. I know I'm personally still battling with this. Your mind is a very powerful tool and sometimes tricks you into thinking that (as far as contact goes) no news is good news. The contrary is true in most cases.

 

Also agree with radiodarcy's comment about being hurt. It's nearly like a survival instinct that we learn (much like touching a hot surface when we're young). Sometimes it takes a couple of times to get the message, but eventually we just have to accept that things are the way they are for a reason. We may not know (or ever know) the reason, which is often the hardest part.

 

Let your emotions run their course my friend and look after yourself... there's only one of you.

 

Ps thanks for posting this. I have been thinking that after only 9 days NC that I am willing to try and be her friend. This is a timely reminder that I'm nowhere near ready for that. When I can get through a single day without thinking of her then maybe I'll be in a better position to judge that.

[smudge21]

Thanks for that Radiodarcy. You're right, it feels like I'm starting all over again with NC only now it's much worse. I mean 6 months ago I had to say goodbye due to the fact I saw on FB talk about weddings, now I once again see similar.

 

That little bit of hope still lingers on. Even now, despite this news (and all the other negatives over the last year) I can still sense that the little git is hiding away, whispering things in my ear like "... it is 6 months away before the wedding, anything can happen..."!!! I so hate it and wish I could switch off.

[smudge21]

1Dunno, 9 days is nothing really, but I bet you feel a lot better than you did. I thought 6 months was enough, but that one bit of knowledge set me back so much. I mean, I already knew she was engaged, so had to know the wedding was coming, yet actually seeing dates... that seems to make everything so set in stone.

 

I think my hope is based upon the fact that we parted way to early. There was still so much we could've done and it's clear that we both feel strongly for each other. Sadly on her side, not strongly enough to chose me over him. I guess I feel cheated - life's not fair, what did I do to deserve that, why couldn't I be the one she's marrying - all that bs. Those thoughts just enhanced the hope I had...

 

Accepting things are over is so hard. Accepting that loss...

[radiodarcy]

hey smudge - - you always give good advice so i'm glad when i can help with the same

 

if memory serves me correctly you and your ex started out as friends. as did i with my ex. we were friends and co-workers for three years before anything happened.

 

ironically, he started paying me more attention saying he wanted to help me come out of my shell and be less shy around guys (i am very introverted and up until then had never had a boyfriend or any kind of physical contact with a male).

 

he would ask me to hang out or take walks just about every day; offering me dating advice and pick up tips. i even asked him to fix me up with his friends but he would also demure.

 

before i long it become physical, i fell for him and once he realized - - he became distant. things deteriorated into a friends with benefits situation; from which they never recovered and after 2.5 years he cut off the benefits saying he only wanted to be friends.

 

things limped along for a few months. but to him, being friends meant that i should be able to listen to his going ons with other women without any feelings of jealousy or complaint.

 

which - - by simple virtue of the fact of being human - - i could not do .

it's like he wanted us to simply go back to the way things were before, when he tried to "help" me.

 

but too much had happened and he couldn't seem to understand that in treating me the way he had he had done more to damage my confidence around men than he had to help.

 

indeed his treatment of me left me wondering how someone i trusted and considered a friend could pull such a mindf**k on me. it made me re-evaluate my own ability to trust and consequently made it that much harder to trust the motives of other men i come across as well.

 

hence - - why it's been so hard to move on.

[smudge21]

These people draw us into their lives and yet seem to not understand why it takes us so long to move on. Really feel sorry for you radiodarcy (can I just call you RD, it's easier) and hope you can trust and love again soon enough.

 

I went for a long time saying I was happy to be her friend once again, but seeing her engagement ring, then reading wedding plans... that was way too much. Anyone on here who ever asks about being friends with an ex, I just ask them if they could handle seeing their ex getting married. I said goodbye back then and for 6 months tried to heal and thought I had. But seeing this today has quickly made me realise I haven't healed at all. I clearly still want her, love her, and am unable to accept that I can't have her.

 

You explain quite clearly why it's been so hard for you to move on. I've tried to evaluate why, out of other exs, this one is proving hard to move on from as well. I just can't get the answers I need. Everytime we've parted, something has brought us back in contact. Many people say that there's still feelings on both sides and I think that knowledge just adds to that hope.

[radiodarcy]

certainly, you can call me rd - - that's actually how i sign my PMs (which you are more than welcome to send )

 

i honestly think it's a lack of self-awareness that prevents them from seeing the impact their actions have on us.

 

i've always felt that self-awareness isn't just about being aware of your own feelings, but it's understanding how your actions impact the feelings of those around you; which in turn, affect you as well.

 

i think it's because you and i are self-aware in that respect that it makes it difficult for us to fathom how people like our exes can behave in such a manner. and is yet another reason why we find it difficult to move on.

 

which is why i too have a tendency to analyze the reasons why my ex treated me the way that he did. even though i know it will do no good.

 

maybe our exes act this way because they're selfish, maybe they do it out of a cruel streak, maybe it's both; either of the above; or some other reason. at any rate, it does us no good to analyze it because even if we did get the answers, given the nature of such hideous behavior, those answers will be anything but pretty.

 

when i explained to him (the same way i did in my earlier post on this thread) why it was so difficult for me to move on. his response was "you see -- this is why i can't be myself around you. you put too much pressure on me".

 

how on earth am i going to get answers from someone who not only refuses to take responsibility for the effects of his behavior, but resorts to deflection tactics when he is taken to task? simply put: i can't.

 

nevertheless. i'm 5.5 months on from when i re-started NC back in march. and while i am feeling much better, as time goes on and i still haven't heard from him, the reality of the fact that we are done, sinks in just a little deeper than it did before.

 

and that's the hardest part to contend with.

[FinOuch]

Isn't amazing how hope can go from something that is so vital and uplifting in the right circumstances to such a freaking curse in the wrong ones?

And there's nothing worse than arriving at a point where you feel like you've mostly gotten over it and can handle the worst if it were to come your way...only to find out the hard way that you're sooooo not!

 

Out of curiosity, how long between when the relationship ended and when she got engaged?

[smudge21]

That's the hardest part of all this - accepting it's over. That's it, done, finished, for good. I know full well the reason why I find it hard to let go and that's simply because I don't want to. Despite every single thread I've posted on or every single bit of advice I've given, in truth I'm just unwilling to let go... to give in... to admit that I lost.

 

I really thought I was doing so much better, but this final nail in the coffin has hurt so much.

[radiodarcy]

i understand all to well how difficult it is to admit defeat. i know one of the things that has helped me work towards that acceptance is reminding me of all the things about him - - esp the way he treated me - - that i *don't* miss. things that most likely would happen should i get back in touch with him again. that's gone a long way towards helping me maintain NC.

 

Smudge, i'm sure there are things that your ex has said and done that cut you deeply enough that you would never want to go through again. (just like the stove lesson that Dunno1 refers to) including this latest hurt.

 

i have to say as difficult as it was for me to re-start NC one of the things i would tell myself as the ex would regale me with the details of his latest date was, "why didnt i stick to NC? i was so much better off!"

 

and because of that i've thought of NC as a wonderful (hopefully permanent) vacation where i never have to worry about being treated that way again.

 

of course, i still experience the pain. but it's so much easier for me to handle now that i've committed myself to not adding to it

[smudge21]

Yeah, I can definitely think of times where she's not been the nicest of people, but never intentionally. As those bad times (if you can call them that) were when we were back to being friends and they were simple things that one gets from most friends - not responding to texts/voicemails being a bit hate of mine, that a lot of friends do from time to time.

 

In essence she was never nasty to me and I always knew that the feelings I'd developed over time were one sided. Without going too deep into this but the relationship wasn't that long, but the friendship was. If I had it all again, I'd stick to the friendship. So all that said, yes I can remember times she's annoyed me, but it's never been in a hatefull intentional way. I have no anger towards her if you get me. Personally, I have thought that if there had been some anger or hate, maybe I could've moved on quicker.

 

I like the place you're currently in RD... I just I could find my way there.

 

FinOuch, good explanation of what I'm feeling right now. Such a kick in the teeth when I thought I was okay and had accepted everything. It's funny how knowing something is one thing, but actually seeing it written down and with dates can make it hurt even more.

[1Dunno]

Hey smudge, are you feeling any better?

 

I just did a similar thing to you and saw some newly uploaded photos of my ex and her boyfriend on Facebook. Wowsers, that really did hurt.

 

I'm funding that sometimes when I think I'm starting to feel better it's like it's because I still think I have a chance, and I'm in denial. Then these signs come along that set you back when you're reminded that you have no chance. You're so right though - the reason you can't let go is because you don't want to. I'm in the exact same boat.

 

I've decided to go and visit the parents for a week to take some time off from having to see the ex at work everyday. Will catch up with some old mates while I'm here and try to clear my head...

[smudge21]

After blocking most of the people who would be talking about her impending doom, er, wedding I've been a lot better (also thanks to the support here too). Not knowing is the only way to go; ignorance is bliss.

 

I think having that little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe things will work out allows us to get through each day. It's like we can move on if we keep thinking that one day they'll be in touch. The more we move on, the more we heal without even noticing it. We've just got to not go looking for info about them.

 

I guess in a way, we live a fantasy in the back of our minds which keeps us happy enough to heal, but when we see info, it's reality; a reality that destroys that fantasy.

 

Wow, I'm getting deep here...

 

What worries me is that I know my ex still has feelings for me, strong ones too. She may very well feel just as strongly as I do, but there are reasons that we can't/won't be together. So in that respect I can truthfully say she will be back at some point.

 

I just hope I'm healed by a certain date next year... that's my focus now.

[ScienceGal]

Hey smudge, are you feeling any better?

 

I just did a similar thing to you and saw some newly uploaded photos of my ex and her boyfriend on Facebook. Wowsers, that really did hurt.

 

I'm funding that sometimes when I think I'm starting to feel better it's like it's because I still think I have a chance, and I'm in denial. Then these signs come along that set you back when you're reminded that you have no chance. You're so right though - the reason you can't let go is because you don't want to. I'm in the exact same boat.

 

I've decided to go and visit the parents for a week to take some time off from having to see the ex at work everyday. Will catch up with some old mates while I'm here and try to clear my head...

 

I posted earlier about wondering whether I am missing the ex or the relationship. I do not look at his FB page, but just saw that someone "liked" his post, so I saw what it was (nothing bad) and his little thumbnail picture. Made my face go numb and now I am trying to shake that sinking feeling in my stomach. I still don't know if that means I miss him, or am still upset with how he ended it and hurt me. I think when things are done respectably it's at least a little easier.

 

No matter how it ends, NO contact is the answer... I wish I knew how long I was going to feel this way though

[smudge21]

I wish I knew how long I was going to feel this way though

 

Million dollar question right there...

[radiodarcy]

Yeah, I can definitely think of times where she's not been the nicest of people, but never intentionally. As those bad times (if you can call them that) were when we were back to being friends and they were simple things that one gets from most friends - not responding to texts/voicemails being a bit hate of mine, that a lot of friends do from time to time.

 

In essence she was never nasty to me and I always knew that the feelings I'd developed over time were one sided. Without going too deep into this but the relationship wasn't that long, but the friendship was. If I had it all again, I'd stick to the friendship. So all that said, yes I can remember times she's annoyed me, but it's never been in a hatefull intentional way. I have no anger towards her if you get me. Personally, I have thought that if there had been some anger or hate, maybe I could've moved on quicker.

 

I like the place you're currently in RD... I just I could find my way there.

 

FinOuch, good explanation of what I'm feeling right now. Such a kick in the teeth when I thought I was okay and had accepted everything. It's funny how knowing something is one thing, but actually seeing it written down and with dates can make it hurt even more.

 

well - - to be fair, much of the anger i felt wasn't at things he had done purposely -- at least not all of it. there were times when his ignoring my texts, etc were in fact things that friends do.

 

but what got me angry and frustrated was the mixed signals - - being attentive one minute and distant the next - - that we were sleeping together and he was aware of my feelings didn't help either. to his credit he did cut off the sex saying i deserved to have an actual relationship with someone who could give it to me. but to turn around and then decide he's going to give that same relationship i wanted to have with him to someone else was a little more than i could take.

 

it sounds like your ex was more upfront with her feelings and in her dealings in the relationship. not to mention she had infinitely better communication skills than my ex. so i can understand why it's difficult to be angry with her.

 

anger certainly isn't a rational emotion but it can definitely be motivating in sticking to NC. so in that respect, i feel your frustration at not being able to move on from the relationship you had with your ex. she hasn't really given you a reason to want to. and even though her impending marriage has now given you a very good reason to move on, it's still difficult.

 

i guess all you can do it take it day by day.

 

hang in there - - it will get better...

[smudge21]

Appreciate that RD. I know from a past relationship, many years ago that hurt almost as bad as this one. She changed and became nasty, someone I didn't like. That swap from love to hate actually did, obviously, make me see all her bad points so much quicker. No contact was instant and a lot easier. Oh it was still tough to let her go, but I know I healed much quicker than I am doing now.

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Well your post brought me tears ! But I hope after the newness and

the dazzle of the marriage falls off, one day she looks back and wonders

about you and how you are.

 

So my question is now what will close the door on this for you ???

 

How about a new love in your life and you getting married !

 

One day we won't need this site and we will be in that better place with our lives.

We all carry our crosses, this has been a heavy load !

 

I'am sorry for your grief. For as strong as death is love~~Song of Songs

[smudge21]

Thanks for that. I think the fact she clearly does have feelings for me still is what makes this a little worse. It's not like we hate each other, quite the opposite. Feels like it should be different - honestly it's clear to everyone who knows us how good we are together, hell even her sister says so.

 

Yeah, I agree - new love and all that, but quite hard to focus on. I guess I'm no different than anyone else on here dealing with a break up. Whatever happens though, my focus is to be moved on before that certain date next year.

 

Once again, thanks for your words - they were nice to read.