TheDovic Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) So my ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago. At the time she was under a lot of pressure with work and she was suffering from depression. Initially she was always looking to be around me and kept flirting, telling me she loves me, is in love with me and fancies me. She kept telling me she fancied me and was making plans for the future i.e. planning on going to IKEA etc to get things for the house we own together. Everytime she saw me she started crying and told me she wasn't good enough for me (she always said this throughout our 4 years together. She has very low self esteem) She also kept saying it seemed like I was over her (I was trying to remain strong to attract her). At this time she was contacting me about ten times per day, and she ALWAYS initiated the contact. This was really upsetting as I kept getting false hope so I cut contact with her to try and get my head straight. I did this because when I tried to make a move on her she rejected me. During the next two weeks she contacted me 3 times but I resisted replying. However the fourth time she called we got talking. We arranged for her to call round, and for the first time in a year we had fun, with no arguing or worrying. She was very flirty by toy fighting and telling me how nice I looked. She kept trying to get my attention by playfully hitting me and dancing in front of the tv. At the end of the night she cried about being sad that she had to go and told me not to watch her go. The next day her work problems were resolved as she has got a job as a teacher. She told me this feels like a massive weight has been lifted and she's feeling a lot happier. She phoned me before anyone else to tell me about this, but then she didn't text for two days so I text her. We had great fun texting and she kept using old pet names and making fun of me in a flirty way (she initiated all of this). Two more days have now passed and she still has not text (this is unusual because she always text about ten times per day, even after the break up). Should I text her? Does anyone know what she might be thinking? Edited August 15, 2011 by TheDovic
antinko Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Wow, she sounds similar to my ex, yeh, including the Ikea trip... Frankly, she doesn't seem to know what she wants like my ex. She's up and down like crazy and it sounds like she's starting to have an effect on you, or at least, if you maintain contact and chase her, then her scrambled attitude is just going to confuse you even more. My ex confused the hell out of me. Read some of my posts and you'll see the effect she had on me... Stop texting basically. If she's real, she'll get back to you. P.S It's uncanny about the job thing too - my ex and I had a very similar situation in regard to that.
antinko Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't know how similar our stories really are, but you might benefit from reading my journal, at least the post #18 because I detail the issues we encountered with my job and her depression a bit more and the result of all that...
Author TheDovic Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 I just read your journal and we do have a very similar situation (we even had dad's who abandoned us - maybe that's what makes us sabotage relationships or go for women who are no good for us lol). Both seem to realise our relationships weren't working for us and even considered ending it... but now that we've been dumped we can't cope with it. My head is totally messed up and I'm trying to do whatever it takes to get over this loss, but I miss her so much and am completely idiolising her. No matter how much I know the relationship wasn't working I can't shake the feeling that my only chance of happiness is with her. Do you think she might be interested from what I said or is she confused? I was a bit of a d**k this year and never apologised for my behaviour. She on the other hand has apologised for what she did wrong. If she calls to the house again do you think I should apologise?
betterdeal Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Maybe she's met another bloke and you're old news now. Or maybe her phone is broken. Or maybe she's relapsed back into depression and wants some space. Or maybe she's run out of credit. Or maybe she's so busy getting ready for the new job she's not thought to contact you. Or maybe she's dead. Or maybe she's won the lottery and is currently on holiday with Justin Bieber as her personal sex slave. Or maybe she's planning a surprise party for you where she'll jump out of a giant cake dressed in a bikini. Or maybe she left you 5 weeks ago, got bored so spent some fun time with you, then found other things to make her happy and so doesn't need to contact you at present. The list is endless, but can you pick which of those is most likely?
antinko Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think the bottom line is that, if she cared properly, she wouldn't ignore you and if she wanted you, it's obvious she knows how to reach you. My advice to you would be to ignore her and focus on yourself. It's unfortunate, but there are people out their who are emotion sponges, i.e. they use (even unintentionally) other people, promising undying love etc. etc. just as a fix for their insecurities, and when they feel comforted, they bugger off to the next... You seem like a decent bloke. Respect yourself.
antinko Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I just read your journal and we do have a very similar situation (we even had dad's who abandoned us - maybe that's what makes us sabotage relationships or go for women who are no good for us lol). Both seem to realise our relationships weren't working for us and even considered ending it... but now that we've been dumped we can't cope with it. My head is totally messed up and I'm trying to do whatever it takes to get over this loss, but I miss her so much and am completely idiolising her. No matter how much I know the relationship wasn't working I can't shake the feeling that my only chance of happiness is with her. Do you think she might be interested from what I said or is she confused? I was a bit of a d**k this year and never apologised for my behaviour. She on the other hand has apologised for what she did wrong. If she calls to the house again do you think I should apologise? I don't buy into the psychology stuff too much because I believe that, ultimately, we're in control. My dad left me, but all that did was help me turn into a man who is loyal and caring. Perhaps needy girls are attracted to me, though. I don't know. All I know is that I'm at a point where I will not accept a relationship now where I'm not given as much as I give back. I will not chase anyone either because, frankly, they're going to be lucky to be with me. Do not idolise the girl. It's easier said than done and I did put my ex on a pedestal too, but the way she made you feel could be achieved far better by a girl who truly appreciates you. It's difficult to accept because ex's are like drugs and we've been addicted to them. I think I'm genuinely getting past the 'addicted' stage now and am seeing my ex for who she really is: incompatible with me and it is she who treated me unfairly. Frankly, I was an excellent boyfriend. You're probably being too hard on yourself too. Dumped or dumping doesn't constitute a measure of 'who is better'. Whether you would have dumped her is irrelevant: it's just clear that you're both not right for each other and, honestly, I think she treated you unfairly. You're blaming yourself for some ways you may have acted badly to her, but at least you acknowledge that. The fact that your ex dumped you but was previously over apologetic comes across as weak. Furthermore, it sounds like she really has used you a lot for emotional support and gave very little back: don't feel like you're the bad guy. If she calls to the house, I wouldn't apologise. I tried apologising to my ex for crazy things, things I simply second guessed about myself and it achieved nothing! If anything, if she calls round, let her do most of the talking and then, if she's crawling back wanting a relationship, then you need to make sure it's genuine and that you can trust her. Otherwise, I'd simply show her the door. Don't be rude or anything; be the bigger person. It's really hard to do and I had to be like that when I bumped into my ex with her new man, but it's worth it. You have to preserve your dignity.
Chi townD Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I think that she was using you to fill a void until soemthing else happened in her life....i.e. new job with new possibilities.
Author TheDovic Posted August 16, 2011 Author Posted August 16, 2011 I don't buy into the psychology stuff too much because I believe that, ultimately, we're in control. My dad left me, but all that did was help me turn into a man who is loyal and caring. Perhaps needy girls are attracted to me, though. I don't know. All I know is that I'm at a point where I will not accept a relationship now where I'm not given as much as I give back. I will not chase anyone either because, frankly, they're going to be lucky to be with me. Do not idolise the girl. It's easier said than done and I did put my ex on a pedestal too, but the way she made you feel could be achieved far better by a girl who truly appreciates you. It's difficult to accept because ex's are like drugs and we've been addicted to them. I think I'm genuinely getting past the 'addicted' stage now and am seeing my ex for who she really is: incompatible with me and it is she who treated me unfairly. Frankly, I was an excellent boyfriend. You're probably being too hard on yourself too. Dumped or dumping doesn't constitute a measure of 'who is better'. Whether you would have dumped her is irrelevant: it's just clear that you're both not right for each other and, honestly, I think she treated you unfairly. You're blaming yourself for some ways you may have acted badly to her, but at least you acknowledge that. The fact that your ex dumped you but was previously over apologetic comes across as weak. Furthermore, it sounds like she really has used you a lot for emotional support and gave very little back: don't feel like you're the bad guy. If she calls to the house, I wouldn't apologise. I tried apologising to my ex for crazy things, things I simply second guessed about myself and it achieved nothing! If anything, if she calls round, let her do most of the talking and then, if she's crawling back wanting a relationship, then you need to make sure it's genuine and that you can trust her. Otherwise, I'd simply show her the door. Don't be rude or anything; be the bigger person. It's really hard to do and I had to be like that when I bumped into my ex with her new man, but it's worth it. You have to preserve your dignity. Cheers dude. You're right. I've been very hard on myself. She called round last nite and I didn't apologise, but she started with her self destructing behaviour again, i.e. saying she's fat, and she wouldn't take her coat off because the clothes she was wearing weren't nice. She started crying twice (she cries every time we see each other) and always has a different excuse for this. Last night she claimed she misses my two nieces. I didn't ask her what was wrong but just acknowledged I knew she was sad and gave her a cuddle. She didn't reciprocate though cos she said she felt fat (even though she weighs 7 Stone 4 pounds!) At the end of the night she threw her arms around me and held on really tight, then cried again when she was going... I don't know what's going on. I'll keep a wee eye on your journal mate. Good luck with your recovery and I'm sure we'll talk again soon
betterdeal Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Man, tell her it's okay to ask for help and disconnect. She sounds like the sort who'll turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat, and shag a lamppost if it had a heartbeat. Not good girlfriend material. Perhaps she has a hormonal imbalance, but that's not your problem.
antinko Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 Cheers dude. You're right. I've been very hard on myself. She called round last nite and I didn't apologise, but she started with her self destructing behaviour again, i.e. saying she's fat, and she wouldn't take her coat off because the clothes she was wearing weren't nice. She started crying twice (she cries every time we see each other) and always has a different excuse for this. Last night she claimed she misses my two nieces. I didn't ask her what was wrong but just acknowledged I knew she was sad and gave her a cuddle. She didn't reciprocate though cos she said she felt fat (even though she weighs 7 Stone 4 pounds!) At the end of the night she threw her arms around me and held on really tight, then cried again when she was going... I don't know what's going on. I'll keep a wee eye on your journal mate. Good luck with your recovery and I'm sure we'll talk again soon It sounds like she needs therapy to be quite honest. Her obsession about her weight also sounds a bit risky.
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