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Posted

Let me start by saying 16 yrs of marriage, together 17 yrs, and 3 beautiful girls(2,4,16). I am 36, a self-employed Commercial Mortgage Banker, and she is 33, a RN for a Hemoc/Oncology clinic at a VA Hospital.

 

I believe every marriage has its ups and downs, and weathering, communicating, and participating get you through the valleys. Nonethreless, I found out in Nov 2010 that my wife had been having an emotional connection and illicit communication with a co-worker that was supposely just a friend. She had only be working with him for about a yr and half. Regardless, it all started out as my wife asking if it was okay to meet a couple girls, either after work, or go out on nights off, to bars to unwind. I realized she had basically no single life as we had our first child when she was 17, and work was very stressful. On top of that, she was going to school at nights working on her MSN. In light of it all, I thought it would be good for her to blow off some steam with girlfriends, as long as she didnt get drunk and especially drive home intoxicated.

 

I noticed when she came home and days when off of work, she spent too much time texting and talking to her one friend, Natalie, and I joked at the time she might be having a lesbian moment. I maybe wish now, not really!! Any betrayal is wrong regardless of sex. So in other words, I didnt suspect a thing, just a lot of time and energy involved in her friend. One night, she should have been on her way home from work, and I received no call of her running late. So I called her work. They mentioned she left hrs ago. So I called her and she ignored for awhile, then picked up and said she was at the bar with Natalie. I was then suspesious, so I checked our usage details on Verizon, and found strange numbers she had been calling all night and in the past several months. When she got home I questioned her, and she admitted it was Danny, a RN on her floor. That she had been chatting with as he is just a friend. After several hours of arguing and her blaming me for accusations, I found out she has lied, hid the texts and emails, and had spent time with him or him and Natalie at the bars, or at Natalie's when she had parties. DEVASTATED!!!!

 

She admitted it was just an inappropriate friendship, and that she swears they only shared 1 2-minute make-out in her car one time when she was drunk. That she would never sleep with him, first because she is not that way, 2 he is gross and sleeps with just about anyone, and last- he is not her type.

 

Fast foward, months of hurt, not knowing if I'm being lied to, her working around him 4 out of 7 days, but she sweared the whole time that she wants nothing to do with him, and ended any friendship in December 2010. I should say 2 weeks after I found all this out, in early December I caught her again texting him 5x and calling him once. She explained it was her way of ending it. Again forward, we have been trying to put this behind us, it was and is very hard for me. In June 2011, a big fight as she reached out to her "friend" Natalie was I see as a bad friend and a helping hand in this betrayal. She also had a few words with Danny at work, as he tried to be friends with her again, disrespecting the boundaries. We had a very heated argument, she went off to cool, I was thinking a local pub as she has once before. I gathered the kids to go look for her, but before I did this, I checked Verizon and the bank and saw she bought a temp phone at Walmart. I checked all the local bars, went downtown checked the favorite spots there, and as a safety precaution on the way home went by Danny's new house, where she supposedly didnt know where he lives, and found my car in the drive. FURIOUS!!! I thought of kicking the door in, but instead went around to every window until I found them in the kitchen talking and drinking beer. Hours later she comes home mortified, her teenage kid hating her, and we talked. I found out that she has kept a friendship with him all along and has lied the whole time to me about it. That she has been to his house once to say hi, and that they kept in touch via email.

One early morning in July, I was logging on her laptop to check email and a quick galnce at her Facebook account, and found Norton had saved a odd email address and password to some odd Facebook account. I woke her up, and she admitted it again, yes this is how she was keeping in touch with him and that things were goiing well between us that she meant to delete both, but had no chance as I was around alot. I asked whe she last talked with him she said 5 days ago before she went on vacation. He asked her to call him late at night and wondered why she was taking a vacation, if eveything was okay. She resonded she needed time with the family. I find it funny she responded back but didnt have time ti erase the accounts.

 

Now its August, we have spent alot of time talking but she never wants to discuss Danny or her actions as she wants to put them behind her and my words and hurt/sadness, seem to be punishing her when its mentioned or brought up. My question is this, how do I trust fully? She wants to remarry me, try for a fourth kid(a boy this time), and is ready to quit her job to go somewhere else, maybe relocate. I love her, wish I didnt as it wouldnt hurt so much, but I feel stuck. My love for her, my responsibility to my kids and as a family unit, versus my mistrust, anger, sadness, and sometimes hate inside me. I'm torn, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was never this guy, never this emotional sap, and I started drinking occasionally to ease my pain. So please fellow scorned spouses, advice, thoughts, experiences, and/or opinions????

Posted
Let me start by saying 16 yrs of marriage, together 17 yrs, and 3 beautiful girls(2,4,16). I am 36, a self-employed Commercial Mortgage Banker, and she is 33, a RN for a Hemoc/Oncology clinic at a VA Hospital.

 

I believe every marriage has its ups and downs, and weathering, communicating, and participating get you through the valleys. Nonethreless, I found out in Nov 2010 that my wife had been having an emotional connection and illicit communication with a co-worker that was supposely just a friend. She had only be working with him for about a yr and half. Regardless, it all started out as my wife asking if it was okay to meet a couple girls, either after work, or go out on nights off, to bars to unwind. I realized she had basically no single life as we had our first child when she was 17, and work was very stressful. On top of that, she was going to school at nights working on her MSN. In light of it all, I thought it would be good for her to blow off some steam with girlfriends, as long as she didnt get drunk and especially drive home intoxicated.

 

I noticed when she came home and days when off of work, she spent too much time texting and talking to her one friend, Natalie, and I joked at the time she might be having a lesbian moment. I maybe wish now, not really!! Any betrayal is wrong regardless of sex. So in other words, I didnt suspect a thing, just a lot of time and energy involved in her friend. One night, she should have been on her way home from work, and I received no call of her running late. So I called her work. They mentioned she left hrs ago. So I called her and she ignored for awhile, then picked up and said she was at the bar with Natalie. I was then suspesious, so I checked our usage details on Verizon, and found strange numbers she had been calling all night and in the past several months. When she got home I questioned her, and she admitted it was Danny, a RN on her floor. That she had been chatting with as he is just a friend. After several hours of arguing and her blaming me for accusations, I found out she has lied, hid the texts and emails, and had spent time with him or him and Natalie at the bars, or at Natalie's when she had parties. DEVASTATED!!!!

 

She admitted it was just an inappropriate friendship, and that she swears they only shared 1 2-minute make-out in her car one time when she was drunk. That she would never sleep with him, first because she is not that way, 2 he is gross and sleeps with just about anyone, and last- he is not her type.

 

Fast foward, months of hurt, not knowing if I'm being lied to, her working around him 4 out of 7 days, but she sweared the whole time that she wants nothing to do with him, and ended any friendship in December 2010. I should say 2 weeks after I found all this out, in early December I caught her again texting him 5x and calling him once. She explained it was her way of ending it. Again forward, we have been trying to put this behind us, it was and is very hard for me. In June 2011, a big fight as she reached out to her "friend" Natalie was I see as a bad friend and a helping hand in this betrayal. She also had a few words with Danny at work, as he tried to be friends with her again, disrespecting the boundaries. We had a very heated argument, she went off to cool, I was thinking a local pub as she has once before. I gathered the kids to go look for her, but before I did this, I checked Verizon and the bank and saw she bought a temp phone at Walmart. I checked all the local bars, went downtown checked the favorite spots there, and as a safety precaution on the way home went by Danny's new house, where she supposedly didnt know where he lives, and found my car in the drive. FURIOUS!!! I thought of kicking the door in, but instead went around to every window until I found them in the kitchen talking and drinking beer. Hours later she comes home mortified, her teenage kid hating her, and we talked. I found out that she has kept a friendship with him all along and has lied the whole time to me about it. That she has been to his house once to say hi, and that they kept in touch via email.

One early morning in July, I was logging on her laptop to check email and a quick galnce at her Facebook account, and found Norton had saved a odd email address and password to some odd Facebook account. I woke her up, and she admitted it again, yes this is how she was keeping in touch with him and that things were goiing well between us that she meant to delete both, but had no chance as I was around alot. I asked whe she last talked with him she said 5 days ago before she went on vacation. He asked her to call him late at night and wondered why she was taking a vacation, if eveything was okay. She resonded she needed time with the family. I find it funny she responded back but didnt have time ti erase the accounts.

 

Now its August, we have spent alot of time talking but she never wants to discuss Danny or her actions as she wants to put them behind her and my words and hurt/sadness, seem to be punishing her when its mentioned or brought up. My question is this, how do I trust fully? She wants to remarry me, try for a fourth kid(a boy this time), and is ready to quit her job to go somewhere else, maybe relocate. I love her, wish I didnt as it wouldnt hurt so much, but I feel stuck. My love for her, my responsibility to my kids and as a family unit, versus my mistrust, anger, sadness, and sometimes hate inside me. I'm torn, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was never this guy, never this emotional sap, and I started drinking occasionally to ease my pain. So please fellow scorned spouses, advice, thoughts, experiences, and/or opinions????

 

He's dumped her and she's coming back to you as a backup option. Ohh she's been lying too about not sleeping with him. My advice to you.. Get a bulldog lawyer, pack your wifes stuff in boxes and put them in the street, tell her she can go and live with this shmuck. Then drop her like a bad habit.

Posted

It sounds plain and simple, you are her back up plan

 

A fourth kid, are you sure she is not carrying it already?

Posted
He's dumped her and she's coming back to you as a backup option. Ohh she's been lying too about not sleeping with him. My advice to you.. Get a bulldog lawyer, pack your wifes stuff in boxes and put them in the street, tell her she can go and live with this shmuck. Then drop her like a bad habit.

 

I agree...

Posted

You are her backup plan. She gaslighted you 100%. She was having sex with this guy and you already know that.

 

DO NOT (under ANY circumstances) have another kid with her!!!!!! DO NOT!!!!!

Posted

First until she tells you the whole truth which she isn't there can never be any reconciliation...

and yes you are her second choice and she is making a fool of you by saying that it was only a EA (she had sex with him and it's PA)...

don't have another child with her and maybe she is already pregnant by him (Danny) think about that because anything is possible ...

 

P.S. check for STDs

 

Good luck

Posted (edited)

wow - so sorry to hear another one of these sad stories... like everyone who has replies has alreay said: yes, she slept with him. You can't believe anything she says now. If you want to reconcile you must have demands that she has to agree to 100%. This include complete access to her phone and computer accounts. If you read through other threads here there is more detail on exactly what you need to demand, zero exceptions. But I'm sorry to say that there's a good chance it's over and if you try to forgive her without consequences she will probably do it to you again....

 

And don't even think of having another child with her now... sorry for your troubles, I really am, those of us here know all too well the pain you are going through...

 

PS - I know we do crazy stuff when faced with our loved one cheating on us but try to keep your kids out of it as much as you can... if you need to do more investigating DO NOT bring them with you!

Edited by andyg99
Posted

Ok - so many people on here jump on divorce as the only option. EVERYONE makes mistakes, and your wife made some big ones. Sounds like she regrets her mistakes and wants to move forward with you.

 

So, go here to get some good advice about healing your marriage and helping you to "get over" what she did to you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

Dr. Harley also has a great book titled His Needs Her Needs. Very good book!

Posted

Marriage Builders is a terrible program for men, It proscribes an utterly humiliating and emasculating program of men groveling for their cheating wife's affections for up to 6 months. Personally, I would rather bludgeon my spouse with a baseball bat before I deigned to do that. And I'm not a violent man.

 

Just sayin'

Posted

zsu234,

 

I respect your opinion, but this thread is for ndtwhite, who is trying to salvage his marriage and life. Marriage builders also helps ensure the wife is meeting her husband's needs, particularly in the bedroom, recreational companionship, keeping herself looking nice, etc. It is certainly not a one-sided program. And frankly, in order to heal a marriage, one can't constantly be focusing on the negative, and using annoying behaviors like begging, pleading, guilt-tripping, etc. Even if a cheating spouse deserves to be constantly reminded of the betrayal they participated in, it simply does not work to create an atmosphere of love and kindness that is needed in a healthy marriage. Thus, attempting to meet your spouse's needs and watching out for big red flags (like spending recreational time apart from your spouse and choosing friends of the opposite sex), is the better way to restore love in a marriage. Of course, the spouse who cheated needs to be on board and make some big changes too.

  • Author
Posted

I appreciate all the responses and opinions. It sounds like most of you believe there has been a physical boundary crossed, and I have my doubts as well. Nonetheless, she has sweared to me on her life and our kids, that she never did anything more than that drunken kiss. Even though I feel I have been played like a fool, I love her for the person I know she is and hate her for the actions out of character that she has done. I am tormented daily, but believe my love and faith in us as a couple and as a family can overcome this. I maybe lying to myself, but I believe my kids deserve the chance for their parents to be 1 unit in raising them. I grew up a product of divorced parents, and my father was barely around (1 maybe 2 weekends a yr) mostly because he moved a lot being a career Army soldier(retired now and lives 2 houses down with progressive Alzheimer's), and that is not what I want for my kids, if I can help it. So I lose a bit of my self worth and pride, but gain hopefully years of love and time spent with my kids, and hopefully grow back to where my wife and I were before the VA. She is taking strides by leaving the VA, which means we have to payback 15 -20k in student tuition and she loses part of her retirement, but I believe our family and marriage is more important.

 

Danny is scum and will get what's coming to him. I've heard not only before this happened, that his ex-wife left him and had a drug problem(she got caught stealing drugs from the VA), but there is rumor now that he is having another inappropriate relationship with a married women on his floor again. And not too long ago, she also got caught stealing drugs from the VA.

 

My wifes eyes are wide open now, and believes she sees what harm and tragedy she has caused, is very remorseful when we are able to talk some about it. She is very hurt that I dont want more kids with her right now because of her actions, and hopes I (we) can move past this. Believe me its not easy by any means. I was a confident, strong, emotionally together man before any of this, and I am fighting everyday to get back to that person. I will take your opinions to mind, and for now I keep one eye open and monitor just about everything I can of hers, without her knowing, just in case things are not what she says. I know I need to learn how to trust again, but can you blame me for my spying after what I've been through and learned along the way?

Posted

ndtwhite,

 

It is of my opinion also, that your wife may have done more than what she admits to. My ex claimed he never cheated (I always suspected) before I caught him in an affair. After our divorce, a mutual friend came clean that she knew of at least 1 other woman he was sleeping with during our marriage. Cheaters LIE to protect themselves and also to protect your feelings (in your case).

 

However, regardless of what your wife has done, it sounds like she knows she made a huge mistake. You both need to work together to ensure your needs and her needs are being met within the marriage (hence the book I recommended earlier). I also applaud her on leaving the VA even if it costs your family money. Family is more important than money. If my ex had been willing to change, I would have given him the opportunity to do so and stood by his side. I think you're lucky your wife has realized her mistake.

 

The hurt and resentment you feel is normal, but you eventually will have to stop bringing it up to your wife. Here is some information about resentment after an affair: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Posted

white,

 

My money says your wife has cheated with him..

 

(my 2 cents)

 

Good luck with holding your marriage together.

Posted (edited)

Same here! She's cheated on you! I read what you had posted it like my story when they started to hang out with the girls which leads into other areas. Doing this time your wife goes from your wife to girl out on the town. This other guy and her had something. But yes this happens and you can't stop her from having fun. Catching them in the act would be another issue.

 

Trusting her ever again won't be easy and not recommended. Because as the old saying goes "once a cheat always a cheater. She has done the nasty and the dirty back stabbing ways you can never trust her again. She now knows what she can get away with and what you will do about it. You let her out of the safe house and now she's got her hands wet.

 

You're her backup guy as your the one she married and the other guy her lover is the one she's having a ball with. He dumps her she comes backs to her backup husband. If the lover comes back to her she does a 360 and goes back with him.

 

You can't lock your wife up in the house or follow her when she goes out that would drive you crazy. Or even hire a Private Investigator to watch her moves and then report back to you. Gets expensive but this is another option if you bring her back.

 

If this was me I would kick her out and tell her go stay with him your new lover!

Edited by coolheadal
  • 4 weeks later...
Posted

go ahead and try and work it out if you like bud and end up like me just divorced a few years later with more emotional scars !! your wife now has no respect for you i realize now I SHOULD HAVE LISTEN'D TO THESE PEOPLE 4 YRS AGO. she is no longer the same women you married and never will be again welcome to being a doormat!! and you will think about it everyday. a little thing will pop everyday in your mind about all the lies and you will start to realize just how much your wife was really banging this man!! be one of the victorious and kick her ass to the curb I WISH HAD NOW !! man i could have felt so better buy now if i had .

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