Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 No, I don't choose to be friends with gross guys who would pretend to be friends with a girl but really want to date her. I know that type. If your male friends are gentlemen you will never know they like you in a sexual manner.:love: I used to play golf with a lesbian woman and we acted like guys. She enjoyed being friends with a regular man. I had no sexual desire for her. So I know it can be done.
Ross MwcFan Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Just curious about this. How do others feel about their significant others, having friends of the opposite sex? Especially if those friends were-are single. Would you feel uncomfortable even if you trusted them? If you trust them, then why would there be anything to feel uncomfortable about?
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If your male friends are gentlemen you will never know they like you in a sexual manner.:love: I used to play golf with a lesbian woman and we acted like guys. She enjoyed being friends with a regular man. I had no sexual desire for her. So I know it can be done. I don't know what you mean by gentleman. I mean, they are nice guys, and totally kind. But they don't treat me like a delicate flower or anything. I never act like a guy (I am what I am) but my guy friends don't treat me the way they would a girl on a date---they are themselves, warts and all. I don't think it's as easy to hide a desire to sleep with someone as you think --- the girls who are tricked by it are generally either young, don't have much experience with male friends and male psychology, being willfully naive, or dealing with men who are totally repressed and have trouble dating anyone (none of my male friends have abnormal levels of romantic trouble --- everyone has trouble sometimes, but they aren't the "I can't get a girl to go out with me" types; they do fine).
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't have a problem with this. Two of my closest friends are both guys, and our relationships have been and will continue to be completely platonic. It actually kind of puzzles me when people insist that men and women can't be friends without at least a little underlying sexual attraction, but IMO it's not worth debating so I don't even bother. I have stayed friends with exes - one of my oldest friends was my high school boyfriend -but no one I've ever dated has expressed a problem with it. I think a lot of it is because I don't spend a lot of time with my guy friends and I don't put them above my partner. My emotional intimacy with these men decreases as it increases with my partner. No idea if that makes sense to anyone but me.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 My emotional intimacy with these men decreases as it increases with my partner. No idea if that makes sense to anyone but me. The opposite is also possible: If your emotional intimacy with these men increases you will them have less emotional intimacy with your partner. That is the danger I talk about. If you hit a low with your partner this can easily happen. And all relationships hit a low sooner or later.
sally4sara Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I agree it's fine to be friends with exes or even former FWBs (though I'm more skeptical of the latter), but I don't think it's fine to mimic date-like behavior. I've never dated a guy who did that, so it's never been a problem, but some posters here have posted things where I was like, "The hell? Really?" where their BF went on what were essentially 'dates' with his ex and wouldn't invite or really introduce the new girl to her. . . that stuff gets weird. And that brings me to my next point: Any friend you wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with your SO with. . . I think that's a problem. I'm friends with a few of my exes, but I have no problem introducing them to someone I'd date. And one of them is married to a girl who's actually a good friend of mine. So, it's really just that our relationship was a season that ended, but we still value each other; I cannot imagine what's threatening about that. Depends on what you mean by emotional intimacy. I have some degree of emotional intimacy with all my friends, really---that's what separates friendships from acquaintances to me. But, as tigressA says, nothing that mimics a romantic relationship in terms of intimacy is ever good. Most of my male friendships mimic a sister/brother dynamic. So there is sometimes some degree of intimacy, but not at all like that in a romantic relationship. Yeah it was a little odd to me at first too because I'd been in a very long term relationship prior to him; I had one ex that was around some because he knew my BIL. If my husband had handled it all sketchy I'd have not bothered being with a guy who was friends with exes. I'm glad I did though. He is awesome and I made some great new friends that I'm close enough with today to consider them practically family. That becomes important when you don't have much in the way of real family. And yes, the definition of a friend is someone who doesn't get weird about your romantic relationships whether y'all dated once upon a time or not. At the start of our relationship, two of his exes had issue about it so they got dusted. One I understood - she was his most recent ex and outside of her generally crappy attitude it was to be expected to some extent. I tried to put her at ease but it quickly became obvious she still carried a torch for him. The other, it made no damn sense. They had not dated for 5 years by the time we moved to his hometown and most of their relationship had been a LDR situation. Move on with life already! Since then another of her guy friends that we know well has also had to dust her off because she had a crappy attitude about his current relationship too and they never even dated! I don't really care if some guy I consider a friend has some secret ulterior motive to his friendship. That would be his problem and if he tried to make it mine I wouldn't consider him a friend anymore. Just because they might have some secret desire doesn't mean I have to oblige them any more than I have to oblige some guy I don't know who finds me desirable. I've never been had just for the wanting. Don't know why I'd start being that way while I'm in a relationship since I'm not that way when single.
Afishwithabike Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 In other words friends from the opposite gender are OK as long as you maintain a wall and do not allow emotional intimacy. Yes. Your primary relationship should be with your boyfriend or girlfriend, not your opposite sex friends. Good boundaries are crucial.
GG3 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If a guy had a secret ulterior motive, why would you still be friends? That's not real friendship. My experience in those situations is that 99% of the time they just look for openings to keep trying. I think it's disrespectful to be dating someone and accept extra attention on the side like that when you know it's not real friendship.
sally4sara Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If a guy had a secret ulterior motive, why would you still be friends? That's not real friendship. My experience in those situations is that 99% of the time they just look for openings to keep trying. I think it's disrespectful to be dating someone and accept extra attention on the side like that when you know it's not real friendship. If its a secret, you don't know about it. Its when they bring it to your attention, either with words or actions that you know the friendship isn't real. But until you're aware of their secret, its pretty hard to call it a disrespect to your romantic relationship. And there is a difference between thinking someone is an attractive person that if they were single you might ask out, and thinking someone is attractive and pretending to be a friend while hoping to influence them out of their relationship. Most of the people we notice enough to begin a conversation with, we noticed mainly because their appearance caught our eye even when they are of our own gender.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I find it hard at times as my self esteem is low, rather than it being a trust issue, it's been a challenge for me as he's close friends with his ex and she was staying over most weekends, while I live 800 miles away, it was never a trust issue, he's not a cheater, but they were, especially her, still emotionally dependent on each other to a certain extent and I found that hard, I asked him to see less of her, so it's more manageable. He has another female friend staying sometimes, which is ok.
GG3 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If its a secret, you don't know about it. Its when they bring it to your attention, either with words or actions that you know the friendship isn't real. But until you're aware of their secret, its pretty hard to call it a disrespect to your romantic relationship. And there is a difference between thinking someone is an attractive person that if they were single you might ask out, and thinking someone is attractive and pretending to be a friend while hoping to influence them out of their relationship. Most of the people we notice enough to begin a conversation with, we noticed mainly because their appearance caught our eye even when they are of our own gender. Ah I see. I guess I was thinking as if u knew of the secret but was overlooking it as long as they don't cross the line. I have had that debate with a few friends and some seem to see nothing wrong with that.
LoveandSuch Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 I love having male friends, especially if they are friendly, hot, and love to harmlessly flirt.
LoveandSuch Posted August 16, 2011 Posted August 16, 2011 But, if they are lying and have girlfriends, then it is not such a good thing and I do not recommend that.
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