CatNtheHat Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Just curious about this. How do others feel about their significant others, having friends of the opposite sex? Especially if those friends were-are single. Would you feel uncomfortable even if you trusted them?
Rinas Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I have no problems with such. I have friends of both genders. If I'm in a relationship I have trust in my partner. If they give me a reason not to trust them, I'm gone.
Sanman Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't really care. I have opposite sex friends and will continue to see them. My SO is welcome to do the same. Many of my friends are colleagues...should I quit my job to avoid them? I really never understood this whole issue with opposite sex friends. All it likely leads to is people doing what they want and being dishonest about it.
Nexus One Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't have a problem with it. One of the factors you look at when going for someone is if you think you can trust them. So when you do it right you start out from a position of trust. I believe in the principle of partners being on equal footing with each other and that means there shouldn't be too much control from either side, as that seems unhealthy, restricting and unreasonable to me. That being said, I'm not one of those guys that thinks it's impossible for men and women to be merely friends, I find that an extreme point of view.
Afishwithabike Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Just curious about this. How do others feel about their significant others, having friends of the opposite sex? Especially if those friends were-are single. Would you feel uncomfortable even if you trusted them? I was fine with my then boyfriend (now husband) having his own friends and me having my own friends, including several guy friends. Once people earn my trust they have it unless they give me a reason not to trust them. I wouldn't have liked it if he were close friends with his ex girlfriends, but that wasn't anything I had to worry about. When the relationship was over, it was really over and he stopped all contact with them.
rafallus Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If they keep them in the open for you, it's absolutely not a problem. If they somehow always happen to exclude you, or don't want you to ever meet them, that puts questions on "friends" part, and I would probably bail.
irc333 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Though, most women I've known, that were female friends of mine, have been known to kind of go into elusive/non-responsive mode once they've found someone. I had a female friend ask me to stop calling her at her place because of her new boyfriend moved in. So we migrated to chat / email and he was shoulder surfing and saw us chatting. He said something toher bout that, and we hadn't talked since. lol
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I prefer that a man have some female friends. It shows he can view women as more than just romantic partners or sex objects. . . he can view them as people and individuals. I prefer a man have some gay male friends too, and the past few guys I've dated have all had some reasonably close gay male friends. I don't know why I prefer it, and it's not some kind of litmus test, but it is a good way to know a guy is reasonably tolerant and liberal, I guess.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Lets pretend you trust your BF or GF and that there is a friend from the opposite gender they like in a sexual manner. Would you be OK if they hang out all the time?
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Lets pretend you trust your BF or GF and that there is a friend from the opposite gender they like in a sexual manner. Would you be OK if they hang out all the time? People shouldn't have friends that they would have sex with, IMO. Those aren't real friends. There need to be boundaries, of course. Any friend that the person would have sex with (in a FWB type thing), should be treated the same way a friendly ex is; you don't have to cease all conversation or anything, but you don't hang out alone when you're not together in that way. Just my POV on it.
sally4sara Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't have a problem with my partner having female friends even if they once upon a time dated. He doesn't have a problem with it either even if I once upon a time dated the guy. I like that while he is able to know someone he use to date wasn't compatible to him for a relationship, his level of regard for them isn't reliant on whether or not he is still getting sex from them. Sure if the relationship ended badly I can see why a person wouldn't want to be friends on any level. But if it ends due to simple incompatibility, whats that say about a person if they only enjoy someone's company and views so long as that person gratifies them sexually?
John Michael Kane Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Nope, because they aren't really friends, just back-up in case their "primary" relationship is done. Hell I ought to keep a few in my pocket in case me and my girl screw up.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 People shouldn't have friends that they would have sex with, IMO. Those aren't real friends. There need to be boundaries, of course. Any friend that the person would have sex with (in a FWB type thing), should be treated the same way a friendly ex is; you don't have to cease all conversation or anything, but you don't hang out alone when you're not together in that way. Just my POV on it. The issue is that quite often there may be an underlying sexual attraction in these friendships. Women are much better at having friends of the opposite gender with no sexuality involved. OTOH, men don't do to well in that department. For many men there is some sort of sexual attraction for the female friends. Most extramarital romantic affairs developed at work because quite often work site provides fertile ground for deep friendships. There is also a difference between an acquaintance and a true friend. I say it is great to trust your partner, but blind trust may not always be a good thing.
tigressA Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If they keep them in the open for you, it's absolutely not a problem. If they somehow always happen to exclude you, or don't want you to ever meet them, that puts questions on "friends" part, and I would probably bail. This is how I see it.
GG3 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 My guy and I have gone rounds over this. Being female, I come across many guys who really don't want to be "just friends." recently we fought like cats and dogs over a woman friend he had who he insisted that they were just friends. But when he asked her to stop texting his phone constantly because he was seeing someone, she blew up because she was hoping he would change his mind about her. Hence, it was not a real friendship. I think you have to be picky and careful over who you choose for opposite sex friendships.
piggyoink Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't have a problem with it. One of the factors you look at when going for someone is if you think you can trust them. So when you do it right you start out from a position of trust. I believe in the principle of partners being on equal footing with each other and that means there shouldn't be too much control from either side, as that seems unhealthy, restricting and unreasonable to me. That being said, I'm not one of those guys that thinks it's impossible for men and women to be merely friends, I find that an extreme point of view. Yes. Its all about trust. I wouldn't want to be with someone who objected to having friends.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Yes. Its all about trust. I wouldn't want to be with someone who objected to having friends. Friends are OK, however, deep friendships where one shares emotional intimacy with the opposite sex is probably a no no. It is not a good idea to trust blindly. Been there done that.
thatone Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 The issue is that quite often there may be an underlying sexual attraction in these friendships. Women are much better at having friends of the opposite gender with no sexuality involved. OTOH, men don't do to well in that department. For many men there is some sort of sexual attraction for the female friends. Most extramarital romantic affairs developed at work because quite often work site provides fertile ground for deep friendships. There is also a difference between an acquaintance and a true friend. I say it is great to trust your partner, but blind trust may not always be a good thing. there's been at least one thread about this, but, the argument could be made that those women are cheating just as men who go out and find casual sex are cheating. a woman using a male friend for an emotional or attention fix is no different than a man using a drunken bar fly for sex. just because the woman's relationship with the friend doesn't involve sex doesn't make it any less wrong. they are replacing their partner with someone else for something that their partner is supposed to do.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 there's been at least one thread about this, but, the argument could be made that those women are cheating just as men who go out and find casual sex are cheating. a woman using a male friend for an emotional or attention fix is no different than a man using a drunken bar fly for sex. just because the woman's relationship with the friend doesn't involve sex doesn't make it any less wrong. they are replacing their partner with someone else for something that their partner is supposed to do. Most unfaithful women have an emotional affair before the physical affair. IN addition, before the emotional affair there is a friendship. The universal excuse "It just happened, I had no intention to be unfaithful".
tigressA Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Friends are OK, however, deep friendships where one shares emotional intimacy with the opposite sex is probably a no no. It is not a good idea to trust blindly. Been there done that. I agree with this too. It's not cool to have a friend of the opposite sex that mimics the relationship you would have with your partner. I was guilty of this and have since reformed. When I was confiding in guy friends about my relationship issues I was building intimacy with them instead of the person I was supposed to be building it with. I don't maintain a deep friendship with any guy except my boyfriend. And my boyfriend is the same way--he doesn't have a deep friendship with any woman but me. Basic interaction is all well and good as long as it's out in the open as Rafallus said, but anything more than that is entering into dangerous territory.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 In other words friends from the opposite gender are OK as long as you maintain a wall and do not allow emotional intimacy.
serial muse Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 If they keep them in the open for you, it's absolutely not a problem. If they somehow always happen to exclude you, or don't want you to ever meet them, that puts questions on "friends" part, and I would probably bail. I pretty much look at it this way, too.
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I don't have a problem with my partner having female friends even if they once upon a time dated. He doesn't have a problem with it either even if I once upon a time dated the guy. I like that while he is able to know someone he use to date wasn't compatible to him for a relationship, his level of regard for them isn't reliant on whether or not he is still getting sex from them. Sure if the relationship ended badly I can see why a person wouldn't want to be friends on any level. But if it ends due to simple incompatibility, whats that say about a person if they only enjoy someone's company and views so long as that person gratifies them sexually? I agree it's fine to be friends with exes or even former FWBs (though I'm more skeptical of the latter), but I don't think it's fine to mimic date-like behavior. I've never dated a guy who did that, so it's never been a problem, but some posters here have posted things where I was like, "The hell? Really?" where their BF went on what were essentially 'dates' with his ex and wouldn't invite or really introduce the new girl to her. . . that stuff gets weird. And that brings me to my next point: Any friend you wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with your SO with. . . I think that's a problem. I'm friends with a few of my exes, but I have no problem introducing them to someone I'd date. And one of them is married to a girl who's actually a good friend of mine. So, it's really just that our relationship was a season that ended, but we still value each other; I cannot imagine what's threatening about that. Friends are OK, however, deep friendships where one shares emotional intimacy with the opposite sex is probably a no no. It is not a good idea to trust blindly. Been there done that. Depends on what you mean by emotional intimacy. I have some degree of emotional intimacy with all my friends, really---that's what separates friendships from acquaintances to me. But, as tigressA says, nothing that mimics a romantic relationship in terms of intimacy is ever good. Most of my male friendships mimic a sister/brother dynamic. So there is sometimes some degree of intimacy, but not at all like that in a romantic relationship.
Pierre Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Most of my male friendships mimic a sister/brother dynamic. So there is sometimes some degree of intimacy, but not at all like that in a romantic relationship. You speak like a typical woman about her male friends. The moment you stop seeing these men as your brothers they will be ready to service you. Make no mistake about that. :laugh:
zengirl Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 You speak like a typical woman about her male friends. The moment you stop seeing these men as your brothers they will be ready to service you. Make no mistake about that. :laugh: No, I don't choose to be friends with gross guys who would pretend to be friends with a girl but really want to date her. I know that type.
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