california-love Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I started talking to this woman who was in a physically/mentally abusive relationship for several years. She confided in me about how she was beaten and controlled. We went out on several dates and had a great time together. She showed interest in me. We had been texting each other every day and talking on the phone every night for a few weeks. On the most recent date, I took her out to dinner, brought her home, and we had our first kiss. The next day she says she needs space and time to heal from her past. I totally understand and respect that decision but I'm trying to make sense of what was going through her head. It's almost like she led me on, then when things started heating up, she freaked out and retreated. Should I hold out hope, or consider her damaged goods and run for the hills?
Author california-love Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Is there anyone out there who has been in a physically abusive relationship and has successfully moved on from it? If so, I would appreciate your thoughts!
betterdeal Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 She will be hyper-vigilant and may not be ready to have a relationship just yet. But many people do recover from abuse and go on to have happy, meaningful and enjoyable relationships. Just be clear about how you feel, don't judge her past, show patience, and also don't be afraid to explain what upsets you too.
smudge21 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Was about to post something similar. Basically, a girl I've become friends with recently has been through a few abusive relationships and is currently in one right now. She freely admits what it's like but also seems happy with him. I'm thinking he's probably that bit better than her previous so she sticks with him, maybe her self esteem is so low she thinks she can't do better. I've seen people go through this for years and still cannot get my head around why they either stay with their abusive partners or seem to bounce from one to another, always getting treated the same. I guess it could be the case that some girls like the bad boy, but then find out why he's called the bad boy. I can only offer one bit of advice which was in regards to my first love many many years ago. We dated and her ex was still around as she had a kid with him. He'd occasionally turn up and show his love with his fists, if you get me. Even when only 20 I did my best to show her a better way of life and how she should be treated, but it was clear she still cared for him more. I eventually had to leave her as couldn't handle it anymore. I look back on it now and see her being the same as me. I was thinking I could help and change her and it built up that connection - she was my love but also someone I wanted to help. Now for her, she may have thought about her abusive ex the same way - he was her love and she thought she could help and change him. Obviously that's just my opinion but I can see the similarities. A lot of what I hear is that when people have been abused in relationships it often comes from what they saw when growing up. It's like they've been made used to it and so accept that's how things should be. So when someone good comes along it's like not what they're used to and find it hard to accept it. Personally in your situation I would just be as kind as you possibly can and tell her you understand and will be there for her. Keep the contact up but calm it down a little, no more kisses unless she initiates it. Like I said, it may be that she's not used to this kind of treatment and not know how to deal with it. Just be yourself and do what you think is best. Please remember though that sometimes in life we can only save those that want to be saved. Sometimes you have to walk away, as hard as that may be.
Imajerk17 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I say run. She's damaged goods. She stayed in the relationship so long because she is into that sort of thing. Therapy might help her. Meanwhile, go out and meet someone healthier!
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 She's damaged goods. She stayed in the relationship so long because she is into that sort of thing. I am really disappointed to read this. Deeply. I know that there are people who think this way but whenever I read it I feel sick to my stomach because that certainly does not describe the majority of these relationships. And to call someone "damaged goods" is just cruel. But to stay on topic, OP; she already made it clear that she wants space, so give it to her. There are any number of reasons she might need it - few abusive relationships start out that way, so she may be feeling overly cautious. She may not feel ready to trust someone. She may feel like she doesn't deserve a "nice" guy. So on and so forth. Some people who come from abusive backgrounds never take that step towards healing the damage inside; they just keep retreating back into something familiar. Others do heal and move on to have successful lives, too. I wouldn't hold out hope for the simple fact that you have no real idea of what she is going through or where she wants to be with herself before embarking on a new relationship, and therefore you could be waiting a long time for possibly nothing. If you want to be there for her as a friend, you can do that. But I would reconsider any romantic option.
Imajerk17 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) I am really disappointed to read this. Deeply. I know that there are people who think this way but whenever I read it I feel sick to my stomach because that certainly does not describe the majority of these relationships. And to call someone "damaged goods" is just cruel. But to stay on topic, OP; she already made it clear that she wants space, so give it to her. There are any number of reasons she might need it - few abusive relationships start out that way, so she may be feeling overly cautious. She may not feel ready to trust someone. She may feel like she doesn't deserve a "nice" guy. So on and so forth. Some people who come from abusive backgrounds never take that step towards healing the damage inside; they just keep retreating back into something familiar. Others do heal and move on to have successful lives, too. I wouldn't hold out hope for the simple fact that you have no real idea of what she is going through or where she wants to be with herself before embarking on a new relationship, and therefore you could be waiting a long time for possibly nothing. If you want to be there for her as a friend, you can do that. But I would reconsider any romantic option. I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I stand by what I wrote. In the end, people do what they want to do, and she made the choice to stay in this relationship every day for several years. What the OP needs to realize is this: She made the choice to stay with this guy, and she kept making it over and over, many many times. So that is deep down what she wanted. And probably, still wants. What she needs to love and feel loved probably is twisted. I will replace "damaged goods" with "impossible to have a healthy relationship with now". Now she can "get fixed" via therapy. But really OP, in the meanwhile this girl is probably going to end up being a drain on your time and energy. You don't need this sort of thing in your life. Edited August 15, 2011 by Imajerk17
sm1tten Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I'm certainly not about to try to change your mind; I just know from personal and professional experience that it's not always that black and white. But this isn't the time or place for that conversation. I do agree with you - her ideas about love are probably unhealthy, and until she heals she shouldn't be dating and he shouldn't be waiting.
betterdeal Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Has she actually done anything that has upset the OP? Not that I have read. Until you get to that point, don't judge her on her past, be kind and be aware that, just like any relationship, it's early days and you're getting to know each other, and it might not be forever, but it might turn out to be. Long term relationships take a long time.
Author california-love Posted August 15, 2011 Author Posted August 15, 2011 Thank you all for the input. It helps a lot. I've decided that I'm just going to try and move on and look for something else. I think the abuse she suffered is so deep and damaging that she may not ever be ready for a healthy relationship. It's unfortunate because I felt that we were a great match. Oh well...
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