More than friends. . . but . . .

[paradyme]

Hey everybody,

 

I need to get something off my chest, and I need some guidance here. Bear with me; it's a little bit of a long story here. I met this girl probably about 6 years ago; we were working at a bank. I was finishing up grad school and was still not in real-world mode yet. She had started working several months prior, and I only worked there in between the spring and fall semesters. We were (as I found out recently) mutually intimidated by each other because we each recognized that the other was (not to toot my own horn here) more intelligent and had interests that perhaps extended beyond the scope of what someone our age would be interested in. I noticed immediately that she always had a book with her, and it was the kind of thing that wasn't pulp; it was always outside of the mainstream, but certainly not the "look at me I'm so cool" type of book. I noticed that she always read what she liked, said what she meant, and did things her way. Not like in an uncompromising way, but in a way that made me really dig her as a totally unique and honest person. These are qualities that I respect profoundly in anyone, but when I saw them in her, I was just so amazed. I would be less than truthful if I were to say that I did not notice something else about her that I was captivated by immediately: she has these blue eyes that absolutely amaze me, and when she smiles or laughs, they just sparkle in a way that I can only compare to the sun shining on a lake or a pond on a spring day.

 

 

We got along famously; I can honestly say that I totally looked forward to seeing her at work and to talking with her, and even though I thought she was unbelievably cute, the key for me was just how well our personalities clicked together. I found it unbelievably cool and thought (still do) that it was fantastically refreshing that when we talked, there was a real exchange of ideas, total candor and honesty. We also seemed to laugh a lot too; I found that she just had the greatest sense of humor. What I found about her is that it was always ok to just be myself, and she was the same way. We kept in contact, granted, it was sporadic, but we would see each other again over the summers. Interestingly enough, we were always in a situation where only one of us was single; being more than friends never came up. I can not tell you now if it ever occured to her; I thought of it, but never mentioned it because I wouldn't want to screw up a good situation, whether it be causing discomfort and such at work, and if she was happy, why would I want to mess with that?

 

I guess in hindsight, it facilitated what we become. See the thing was that we were always just totally honest and genuinely ourselves around each other. No agenda or anything like that ever complicated things. In a way, I am so grateful for that fact because I believe that we have gotten to know each other in such a way that there is no way possible to be disingenuous; I also have the privilege to say that she has truly become the person closest to me in all of this world. I would never want to suggest that she has taken the place of my very dear friends; there are several with whom I have been close for many years, and I love them dearly, but there is more between her and me.

 

 

To fast-forward sometime, she and I have reconnected after a while. It's funny because we never forgot about one another, but we both were involved in long-term relationships as well as starting our careers. We traded emails occasionally, but it was occasional. In any event, when my relationship ended, she was literally one of the first people I called. Not that there was any reason for it in terms of ulterior motives. It was just something that occurred to me. During that time, I feel now that I was locked down and in a bad situation, and when it ruptured, it was like waking up from a bad dream, and just wanting to talk to that one person, even if it was small-talk, just because the sound of their voice felt like home. That was why I called her immediately.

 

 

Shortly after that, we started talking again, and now her long term relationship had ended. For whatever reason, we started talking every day, and still, there was no ulterior motive. I just found myself wanting to talk with her and just enjoying our conversations. We ended up going out a few times, and are now at the point where we talk or see each other every day. Our conversations are always lengthy, but they seem so short. We will talk for hours and when one of us notices that it is really late and we have to say goodbye, I always wish there could be more, but I still fall asleep with a happy feeling because I just enjoy her company or our conversation. There never seems to be any small-talk ever, and we always seem to have a story to relate from our day, and there is always a lot of laughing. There has never been anyone in my life who has made me feel like she does, no one who I laugh with so much or makes me just feel so good being with them. She really has become the greatest person I could ever have hoped to have come into my life. Finally, I had to express my feelings for her, and to make the long story short, we agree that there is definitely much more between us than just a friendship, but because she is recently out of a long relationship, she is not ready to start again (I certainly respect that; I was out of a comparably long relationship for many months before I started thinking about it again). She has never discouraged me from sharing how I feel and has told me that I have been a great influence in her life, brightening every day and being responsible for making her smile many smiles. She told me that she feels that I am an amazing person and that she wants us to always be in each other's life as we are now. When I told her that I respect and understand why she is not ready, she told me that she appreciates that more than I can possibly know. I think I have an idea what she means though.

 

 

It's interesting because all the cards are on the table now, and we definitely both care a great deal for each other, but it seems that it is a waiting game for the moment. Ultimately, we have agreed that there is way more between us than just friends, and that we both care very much for each other; we share everything, whether it be books we like, watching new indie movies together or sharing music. We have become amazingly close, and I have to admit that I have never fallen for a friend before, but I have totally fallen for my best friend; I am willing to wait and to continue to just do our thing, and if she were to meet someone else who made her happy, I do care enough about her that I could not begrudge her of that, but while I hope that we can be together, I don't need to hope because we are already so much a part of each other's lives.

 

 

Well... there it is. My heart's on the table here. Any thoughts? (please be gentle)

[moimeme]

This is one of life's thornier situations. You stand at the brink of happiness - or disaster. However much you may love a person, futures together require not only love, but the ability to mesh lives successfully. A lot of people crash and burn at the point where life and love intersect. Yes, you are mad about her, but will you work too late too often and will this leave her feeling unloved? Will she get jealous of things about your past to the point she loses trust? Will you disagree and battle over money or housekeeping or kids?

 

Once you take the steps toward joining lives, you risk finding out that you are not as compatible as you thought you might be - and losing everything that you treasure now.

 

If you see enough people who started out adoring each other end up shipwrecked, you start to wonder whether it is ever safe to leave dry land. I can see exactly why she would be reluctant to take the next step.

[meanon]

she wants us to always be in each other's life as we are now

 

Love is a risky business and if it doen't work out she may lose you. Your "way more more than friendship" is very important to her and she may not be ready to take the risk just yet. When you fall in love, the pull is so intense that it overcomes any such reservations. Give it time, if you care enough about each other it will happen.

[paradyme]

Definitely great points, and I totally appreciate your thoughts here. I have to say that you make total sense; intersecting life and love is a rough road to start down. Between the two of us, we are both very much aware of the things that go on in each other's lives- for instance, with me I have rehearsals and gigs to work with, and she is pursuing a degree, so I think we both have a mature understanding of these constraints and can work with them. There's a great deal of respect for boundaries. Like we don't spend so much time together for any reason other than it's just enjoyable to. Today's a good for instance though, I know I won't see her today, but that's no reason to get crazy or upset. It's just life.

 

On the issue of our pasts and of things like that; I can't say we each know everything about the other, only I know everything about me, but because we've been friends for so long, we've always shared our experiences, dating stories (good and bad- we've heard and told about both), so she knows me as well as anyone, and the same is true of my knowledge of her.

 

I guess what it comes down to for me is that I absolutely understand that concern you rightly raise about the "shipwrecked" scenario (a great analogy by the way). I wrestled with it myself before I said anything to her, because I was terrified that saying this would cause discomfort and would leave me looking back on what was already a good thing and kicking myself because I was greedy. It doesn't seem to be the case so far, but I guess my thinking goes like this:

 

Life is a long road with many twists and turns, and I am content to be as we are right now; of course I want more, but I am willing to wait for as long as need be, but if the road back to a romantic relationship doesn't end with me, I will be grateful for what I have and will not begrudge her of what she needs to do to be happy. All I would want for someone I care so much about is for them to be happy. I guess I would be disappointed if I waited and it didn't go that way, but I would accept it and respect it; I would never want the friendship to disintegrate, and would do everything in my power to keep that from happening. That being said, I also would want to be clear that I see a danger in being too upfront about my feelings, and while I wouldn't want to clam up about it, I also wouldn't want to be like "hi it's been like 3 days now, are you ready yet?" that would be not only stupid but disrespectful and I wouldn't do that. Ultimately, I am crazy about her, but she is not a prize to be won, nor an object to be manipulated, but rather a unique and beautiful human being who deserves to be respected, and I will absolutely do that. Come what may, I do not regret telling her, but I do recognize that this is a delicate balance, and like a rose, no matter how beautiful it could be to have it, one must be careful how one tries to pick this flower- grab too hard or to fast, and you will cut yourself on the thorns.

 

hey thanks again for your thoughts

[paradyme]

Originally posted by meanon

Love is a risky business and if it doen't work out she may lose you. Your "way more more than friendship" is very important to her and she may not be ready to take the risk just yet. When you fall in love, the pull is so intense that it overcomes any such reservations. Give it time, if you care enough about each other it will happen.

 

That's so true. I have to agree with that. Sage-like advice people! You guys are awesome.

[moimeme]

paradyme -

 

I completely get what you mean I hope it all works out in the ideal way.