kings0fhearts Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 I am lost, confuse and don't know where to turn too. The only things my friends can say is " it'll get better in time" etc... It has been six months since the break-up and still I am hurting inside. Still today I am shocked that my ex-fiancé cheated on me. It so hard for me to forget about her after being together for 5 years. I still love her even after what she did but she does not feel the same way. She has moved on so easily and now I get jealous seeing her dating other guys. All the loneliness consumes me. I don't know what to do anymore, I still have hope that we can work things out and get back together but she has stated that we are completely over. It's so hard for me to grasp that thought.
danceallday Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 Hi King of Hearts, I am right there with you. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone, so I am telling you that you are not alone in what you are going through and feeling. No one deserves what you are going through. My story the short version: My fiance of 10 years packed a bag and walked out on me. Said he didn't feel the same. We started seeing each other again (at my behest) on/off, up/down and two years later I find out via email that he has been dating a woman for a year and found references by him on the internet calling her his gf and me his ex. To say I was crushed is an understatement. Our last email exchange a month ago was both of us saying we did still love each other, but nc since then. Soooo, I feel that love is not a water faucet that you turn on or off. You do not get to pick and choose who you love. The things that are helping me: family, amazing friends, busy and working. The nighttime is the hardest I know. That is when you need a "wing man". Someone you can call anytime and they will listen to you in a non-judgmental way. None of the "I never liked her" crap or "just move on". I find it also helps to take an advil or tylenol pm to sleep and keep the nightmares away. Also breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth sounds contrite, but it does work. Also the nc really is the best thing for you now. I personally read a lot online for coping techniques. One I liked was every time you think about your ex see a big stop sign in your mind. I also plan on seeing a therapist if I feel that I cannot move forward more. Some common sense stuff: Take care of yourself, don't beat yourself up emotionally, don't blame yourself. Don't cyberstalk. Ask yourself very seriously, if it did work out would you ever trust her again? Think about it unless she has really grown up she will cheat on this other guy too. Be well.
TechArt997 Posted August 15, 2011 Posted August 15, 2011 (edited) Kingofhearts.... I must say that "danceallday" isright on target... family, non-judgmental friends, and staying busy helps us tocope. However, I believe these coping strategies tend to help in theshort-term. Grieving has three stages (denial, negotiation, and acceptance).You can find yourself back and forth between stages though. It appears that you still on denial. You think there isstill a chance for both of you getting back together. Perhaps, the reason youhave not moved on is because you still have lots of people, places, and thingsthat remind you of her. You must break that cycle!! For example, go around thehouse and identify all the things that remind you of her (clothes, pictures,etc.). Put everything in a box and put them away (out of your sight) for sometime. In regards to places or music, avoid them or try to create newmemories. After all they are just associations. We can always rewire our brain by exercising cognitiverestructuring techniques. Change the way you think of her. Make a list of hernegative qualities, the things that you did not like about her, and the reasonswhy this is better now than later. Carry it everywhere and read it constantly.Convince yourself of it! I know is easier said than done, but it works. I am a psychologist and I am grieving just like anyone else.Two months ago my girlfriend [of 2 years] and I decided to take separate ways.The hardest part is... we simply broke up after realizing we want different things in life. It is though bro…. you know it! We also must consider that we [men] grief different than women. Cry if you have to. It is a painful process that we must face if weintend to move on emotionally. Acknowledge the fact that you are grieving andtalk about. AVOID being alone. Loneliness will consume you!!!! One thing I amconfident about ...It will make more sense once the dust clears. I hope you find this a bit helpful, Edited August 15, 2011 by TechArt997
Author kings0fhearts Posted August 17, 2011 Author Posted August 17, 2011 Thank you "danceallday" and "TechArt997". For the past several months I have been keeping myself busy with working and hitting the gym in the evening. Hanging out with friends does help but it can only go so far. As danceallday stated and night time is when its so hard for me. I have been drinking nyquil to help sleep but i would wake up a few hours later and find myself depress sitting in bed with the dogs and staring into space. After the break up i did do some of the things you have mention. Listing all the quality that i dislike about her and it works and I do start to question why did I love her. However after all that I find myself thinking about her and missing her. I do need a Stop sign.
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 All the best to you and keep living and getting stronger.
Queen of Hearts 10 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 Some days are better than others, as we go through this dry desert. I'm going through the loss as well. I do know she will get here time when it's not so happy as she seems. The hurt goes both ways on this planet ! Have you tried any of the dating sites ? Some times we can make new friends, and find a date ! Six months is long enough to wait. So please get up and go get coffee in the morning and meet people. There is a new hand of cards ready to play ! Good Luck My King !
wilsonx Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 I am lost, confuse and don't know where to turn too. The only things my friends can say is " it'll get better in time" etc... It has been six months since the break-up and still I am hurting inside. Still today I am shocked that my ex-fiancé cheated on me. It so hard for me to forget about her after being together for 5 years. I still love her even after what she did but she does not feel the same way. She has moved on so easily and now I get jealous seeing her dating other guys. All the loneliness consumes me. I don't know what to do anymore, I still have hope that we can work things out and get back together but she has stated that we are completely over. It's so hard for me to grasp that thought. 5 years is a long time together. It will probably take a lot longer for the feelings to truly go away. I have a friend in your situation that said it took him 2 years to recover. I'm not saying its going to take that long but be prepared for however long it takes. You should also live life day by day and not really worry about the future. Do you have any long term goals, going back to school, learning something new, starting a new career. You need to fill that void she left you with with something along these lines. You haven't been dating your entire life have you? I'm sure there have been points in your life where you were on your own by yourself. You will get that way again, make sure you are spending some alone time too. Read a book, watch a movie, do something with just you. Don't even think about what your ex is doing. Its not productive at all, I know its easier said then done but just focus on you. Everytime you get a thought about her in your head switch the thought to you. Which hot girl are you going to take out this weekend? Etc etc Thank you "danceallday" and "TechArt997". For the past several months I have been keeping myself busy with working and hitting the gym in the evening. Hanging out with friends does help but it can only go so far. As danceallday stated and night time is when its so hard for me. I have been drinking nyquil to help sleep but i would wake up a few hours later and find myself depress sitting in bed with the dogs and staring into space. After the break up i did do some of the things you have mention. Listing all the quality that i dislike about her and it works and I do start to question why did I love her. However after all that I find myself thinking about her and missing her. I do need a Stop sign. You have to force yourself to stop thinking about her by occupying your mind with something else. You are going to say well its not easy. I know that but list a major accomplishment in your life to yourself. Did it happen overnight or did it take work?
danceallday Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 For you King of Hearts You will get through this. Try to find new experiences that you did not have with her. Maybe a new hobby or interest? Or some new kind of class, like a cooking class. I know you probably don't feet like doing anything, but take the first step and the next is easier, and the next, and so on. Breakups are one of the most painful things a human can go through. People get time off work for bereavement, take some time off work for this. Take are trip. Visit you friends in another city. Be well.
fetish1980 Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 kingofhearts, I remember the name. Didn't you have another account here on Loveshack a few months back? Anyway, I know what you're going through. My fiance/girlfriend (together for 8 years) and i broke up 6 months ago. At first i thought it was the gambling that tore us apart, but i still wonder if it could've been another guy in the picture. There was no evidence, but it still hurt that she chose to love something else over me. She didn't like the fact that i had a problem with her bad money management and stuff so we had a huge argument and then she moved out! I too thought i'd be much better off at the 6 month mark, but really it's a reminder that time is passing on and my relatiionship is quickly becoming a memory. Although she tried to get back together a month or 2 ago, i couldn't. It hurts me not to but i can't trust her any longer to give any more emotion to her. I still love her and think of her everyday. I've gone on dates but haven't been intimate. The lonliness creeps back in but that's when i realize that only my prayers and trust in God can get me through this one. At least you have Dogs to damper some of that lonliness. Best of luck fetish
radiodarcy Posted August 17, 2011 Posted August 17, 2011 hey kingofhearts. try not to measure your healing by the length of time you've been broken up. just because it's been 6 months since the break up, doesn't mean you "should" be over your ex by now. everyone heals at their own pace. i was doing ok for awhile until i hit 5.5 months of NC. and then i snapped and started thinking about contacting him and tried checking to see if he was logged into his IM, he wasn't. but it got me wondering what he was up to and with who! but eventually i calmed down. i was disappointed in myself for backsliding like that because i had been so good until then. but hey - - i'm human. i think the more time goes by and i don't hear from him, the more it starts to sink in that he's really not coming back. and that hurts. a lot. but that's part of the healing process. acceptance. and that takes time too. so try to be patient with yourself. feel whatever it is your feeling and remind yourself that as much as it hurts - - the pain is temporary.
visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Sucks to be us eh? Was married 5 years, and it all ended in a months time. Went from day in day out to no contact at all with my ex and her daughter in 30 days. Pretty much all good advice above. Best suggestion I can add to the already good posts above is to wipe out all contact info and don't look at pictures or letters, texts etc. I deleted my facebook to keep from trying to keep tabs on everyone and everything in that circle. Really all you can do is grieve bud. I'm just now after a a little over year coming out on the other side of it. Still hurts but its not killing me to breath, I don't hate going to sleep as much, or waking up as much as I did at first. Still have a way to go but I have a feeling this next year won't feel quite like the eternity the past one did. danceallday has great advice on grabbing a hobby. I listened to a lot of (mostly) depressing music and figured out I'd like to play the guitar as a way to express myself, so I got one and started learning. Yours could be painting, music, woodworking, origami, making fishing lures, who knows, tons out there, pick one that has meaning for you. Food (healthy) and REAL exercise, and vitamins in my case are all very helpful, you will feel better the better you take care of yourself. Endorphins and all that. Avoid places or situations that will trigger negative emotions. I know how daunting that can be but eventually it does fade to a manageable level. A journal has helped as well. It's a good place to let go and say every painful, angry, vengeful thing you can get out. I used it as if I was talking to her. Do it long enough and eventually the rational part of your mind will regain some control and start giving you the answers you've been asking yourself. I could write a grand book of why's and what if's. The what if's lead nowhere. The why's will come to you later on I think. Everyone says stay distracted but I'm not sure that's the best way. during the productive parts of your day, yes, it's for the best but in the long run facing it, letting it do it's thing and letting go of it a little at the time will help you overcome anything you face. You will hopefully start to find things of purpose that have meaning to you and you alone that no one will be able to take from you. It all comes out in the wash. I wish everyone here the best of luck. Hollar if you need support.
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